Emotionally raped - How to cope with betrayal and loss?

Ok, so my heart's been broken before, but I'm having an especially hard time with this one, and haven't been able to find any resources that really addresses my situation. I will try to make this as short as possible. M was my co-worker and friend for four years before we started dating. We took things slowly and he did not meet my son, nor did we sleep together for months. He showered me with attention. Flowers, phone calls, emailed me songs, made me CDs, videos, he seemed to be the perfect man. He told me things that nobody else ever had. He made me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world. My walls quickly came down and I fell in love with M. He was my best friend, my soul mate, everything I could have ever wanted.

After about a year of dating bliss, things started to go downhill. He seemed moody, angry and resentful toward me. He was always threatening to break up with me. Nothing seemed to make him happy. He told me was depressed and to just bare with him. I did my best but things became progressively worse. He stopped coming over to see me. He'd make excuses. He told me I was too controlling and was suffocating him. We went from seeing each other 5 nights a week to one night a week. I was confused, but every time I started to pull away, he would lay on the charm and plead with me to stick by his side. His grandmother, who had raised him, was dying of cancer, and I could not leave the man I loved when he was going through such a tragedy.

He became verbally abusive. He kept his children from me. He would call and seem to just pick fights. He would tell me horrible things. He never loved me. He just felt sorry for me. He never wanted to see me again. If I became upset or started to cry, he would mock me or say even worse things. He would kick me when I was down with his words. My whole life started to revolve around M. My day was determined by what kind of mood he was in. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I tried to do everything I could not to upset him. I thought he was truly depressed because of his anger and stood by him. I could never tell him how I felt without him becoming angry. He broke up with me all the time. And then a couple days would go by and he would call crying, telling me how messed up he was and that he really loved me. He would tell me that he wanted the best for me, he was no good. I kept letting him back in. My days were filled with anxiety. I jumped whenever the phone rang. I never knew what kind of call it would be. Whether he would break up with me again. I wanted out but felt helpless, like he had complete control over me. I convinced myself that he really loved me. Otherwise, why would he keep begging me to come back? Why would he call me several times a day just to make contact.

And then, around 2 years into this, I found out he was cheating on me with his ex-wife. I broke it off with him. First he lashed out and blamed it on me. He had never loved me, always loved her, wanted out for a long time, etc. Then he started in with the pleading. He wrote long, heart-wrenching emails. He became the person he was in the beginning once again. He bought me an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. He promised me that he would go to counseling, he would do anything for me. I bought it. I took him back. Things were okay for a couple of months, then the verbal abuse started again. He had never wanted to marry me. I had manipulated him into it because he was afraid to lose me. He never wanted to marry me or live with me. He wanted the ring back. He couldn't afford it. When we were arguing, he would forward excerpts of my emails to his ex and they would discuss what "was wrong with me." I stopped associating with my family and friends. I was completely humiliated that I was so weak. I felt helpless to get out. And yet I kept remembering the person that he was for the first year. Hoping that guy would come back. And M kept assuring me that he would. Just stick by him. The breakups and reconciliations continued. My self-esteem was gone. I would panic at the thought of him leaving me. I cried and begged when he threated to break things off. I apologized and took responsibility for everything. I was too needy. My expectations were too high. I was too dependent on him, etc, etc.

Three weeks ago, I took my mother and son on our first vacation ever to Disney in Orlando. The second day I was there he called and told me that he never wanted to see me again. He was sick of my "conduct". He was tired of being controlled and was cutting the apron strings. He never wanted to sleep with me or make love to me again. He said that I was ruining the relationship he had with his children, because his ex didn't like me thereforeeee, was making things harder for him. He said he did not want to wait until I returned from my vacation because he figured we could both use the week to forget about each other. I was devastated. I knew he was a jerk, but I never would believe that he would ruin my vacation with my family.

When I returned, I did something shameless. He had long ago given me his email password to check it once when he was out of town. I read his email and found out that he had been seeing somebody for months behind my back. I also found out that he was having relations with his ex-wife from the very beginning of our relationship! The year that I thought was so wonderful was not even real! Their emails were signed with "I love you" throughout our whole relationship. When I confronted him he told me that he had done nothing wrong. He had never felt our relationship would make it, thereforeeee, he did nothing wrong. He knew that if he told me how he really felt that I would get mad (of course!) I asked him why he kept begging me to go back. He said he was just having weak moments, and always regretted it.

To add insult to injury, he is still being cruel even after the break-up. He is sending mean emails to me, and is acting as though he hates the fact that I even exist on this earth. He tells me how relieved he is to be without me and that he is seeing somebody else and is finally happy. I feel like he simply disposed of me like he would trash, and any reminder of me makes him angry.

Now, I know you're thinking that I should be glad to be rid of this scumbag. The problem I'm having is that I'm having a real hard time understanding how my judgment could have been so clouded. How could I let someone completely manipulate me like that? I feel like everything I thought I knew was not real. My life the past 2 and a half years has been based on lies. I have a hard time understanding how somebody can completely crush somebody's spirit and just walk away? I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I gave everything I had to a narcissistic con-artist. I feel like he robbed me of my very soul. I understand that I need to focus on me and not him in order to get better, but I'm having a very hard time doing that. I feel like I've been raped - only emotionally, instead of physically. I want relief and I want to help myself, but I don't know where to start. My biggest problem is how to understand how can he sleep next to me five nights a week, call me several times a day, for over two years then just push me out of his life like I'm trash and want absolutely nothing to do with me? Help.

beancounter999,

I am truly sorry you had to suffer as you did. No one deserves to be "emotionally raped." I'm guilty of such actions myself in the past. I'm not proud of it but I did it.

I'll get straight to the point. He is able to move on and cut you lose because he never was "in love" with you. You were in love with him...that much I can tell. He may have cared about you and loved you! That's it!

Sure, he said the words, showed you but I have to believe that at sometime during the relationship there were signs. You may have overlooked them but they were there.

The sad part is he seems to be an unstable person who is unsure of what he wants in life. So, he decided to see if you could help heal himself. Unfortunately, no one can! He needs to help himself.

Look at that relationship, analyze it and learn from it. Identify the things you know you will not settle for ever again. Notice the signs and make a mental note.

What's done is done! Nothing you can do now. And it won't be easy to move forward with your life. You will have the doubts, the loneliness, the crying, the "why me," and so much more.

I found being busy helped to take my mind off the pain until it was time to go to bed.

As for your judgement! He gave you exactly what you were looking for but you didn't know it was a game for him. How do you know it's a game? He indicated that he has someone else and you two just broke up! He doesn't take relationships serious.

You will be fine just keep busy!

Please pick up the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Your story could be one of the cast studies in the book.

It will really help you understand why you put up with this guy and his abuse for all these years, and help you figure out what you need to do to move on and prevent doing the same thing in the future.

It sounds like you went through hell. You will get through this.

Good Luck.

I hear you. I understand completely, and to tell you the truth, I havent read another post that has been so much like my story, so I wanted to cry when I read yours. I have been away from the person I have been with for a month now, and I am doing okay this time. Usually I am on the floor crying because I have been so controlled by the extreme cruelity that has been placed on me. I found that if I keep telling myself over and over again that its been a lie, its helped me so much. It was a lie and the guys is right, it is easy for them to move on after messing our life up sooo bad. You are the decent human here, not him. Plus that I really believe what goes around comes around.. Karma rears its head always. I am sorry that you have gone through this kind of agony, and this too shall pass, Just realize that you are in agony over something that was not real. He masterminded you. Keep telling yourself over and over again that you deserve better, and if you feel like talking to someone who understands, feel free to email me at email removed.

Reading your story gives a name to how i feel, my story is similar, where my husband has now left for another woman who treats him better, he left just after our baby was born. But i was getting all the verbal abuse whilst i was pregnant and it is worse now that he has left, and too this day it is still all my fault and he hasn't had an affair, which i now found out had been going on since long before our child was born... He too used to discuss all my faults with the other woman, and of course she agreed that i was wrong, in everything. I have been diagonsed with depression which has been with me for many years, and he still insistist it was my fault as i didn't try, and now tries to use my"psycotic illness" against me. I am finding it hard to let go and move on. For he used to push on me the morals and value of family and respect of others and many other issues and now he has done what his whole family disrespect., but it is still my fault as i have now manipulated his family against him as they don't approve of the affair and leaving his gourgeos baby after two months. Anyway your story makes me now no feel that i am the only person betrayed.

Today is day 8 with NC. The longest we had ever gone before is 3 days. I thought I was feeling better, but I find that I am missing the little things sooo much. The daily conversations, just snuggling while we watched tv, etc. I mean, I know he's total scum and that our whole relationship was based on lies, but he consumed such a huge amount of my time that I'm left with this big gaping hole! And things weren't all bad. How can we go from 5 or 6 calls a day and staying together 5 nights a week to zero without feeling a huge loss? And, on top of it, our last conversation was horrible. No closure. I know I shouldn't worry about how he's feeling, but I can't help but be consumed with wondering whether he's feeling a loss too? Even if he didn't really love me, it must be hard on him too? Somehow? I guess it would make me feel better if I thought that I meant something to him. This is so hard. I feel like I'm going backward instead of forward. My head knows he's scum, but it's like my heart hasn't caught up yet. Why don't they communicate??