Jump to content

"Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update


caveat

Recommended Posts

I don't know whats worse, the finality of 'Breaking up' or the uncertainty of a 'break'. Both truly suck, but I think the latter (which happens to be my situation) is the worse of the two since the 'breaker' is basically taking a 'have my cake and eat it too' approach. So selfish it makes you simply want to say, 'beat it. there won't be anything here to return to'.

 

But if the relationship was solid and the person needs the time and space to sort through confusion, I guess a break can be a good thing...even if it does hurt like hell. I instituted the NC rule (without even knowing such a rule existed at the time!) almost immediately and its been 2 1/2 of the toughest months of my life. I've been moving forward since day one since I simply am not the type of person who allows others to walk all over them, especially if I have moved heaven and earth for this person, but its been rough. What is even harder is I'm beginning to feel like I won't take her back even if/when she is ready to end the break. How did we get here? This whole break thing came out of the blue and its just hard to believe that we could go from a solid 5 yr. relationship to nothing so quickly.

 

Breaks suck. Love sucks.

Link to comment
  • Replies 280
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I understand. My ex wanted to have a break, but to me, that means break up. I figure if you need time away from me, then you can't stand to be near me, so why call it a break when it's really a break up!

 

I don't know how married people do it. How do they make their marriage work for so long when couples who aren't married always break up?

 

5 years is a long time, why would she just leave you like that? I am truly sorry that you've had to deal with this. I agree, love totally sucks...but the reverse (being in love and having it returned) is bliss.

Link to comment

Well, I'm partially responsible for the open endedness: the surprise, hurt, etc. triggered a defense mechanism which basically left it at "if you reach a point where you want me and only me as the man in your life and its for the right reasons, call me. Otherwise, don't." I know it sounds harsh, but if you knew of everything I've done for this woman you would probably think I went easy on her.

 

My first post doesn't include all of the details that prompted the split, but suffice it to say that the relationship had its challenges--long distance, age gap, her in school, me entrenched in a professional career. What sucks most is that I think her stubborness will be the death of the relationship...then again it could be the only thing that will ensure that it endures in the long term. I just need to continue moving on, and continue no contact...little by little I'm leaving her behind.

Link to comment

Well, from someone who is increasingly thinking of going on a 'break' with her partner, I can say that my reasons for wanting to do so focus on the decreased independence that my relationship has generated. My boyfriend and I have got so entrenched in each other's lives and are living in each other's pockets, to the extent where I find myself doing everything and him doing nothing to contribute to our relationship.

 

If we were to go on a break I know for a fact that this wouldn't signal the end of our relationship. I just need to breath and stop looking after two people for a while. It does NOT mean that I don't want to see him or that I want to sleep with other guys. I think breaks that have a time limit and promise to make the relationship better can be healthy. But to keep someone on a leash, leaving them uncertain about the future, well, that's just mean.

Link to comment

You want to know what a break is:

 

It is a half arse way of telling someone you dont want to be with them.

 

I suggest you take it for what is , a BREAKUP. Intiate no contact immediately.

 

You are trying to spare his feelings. No offense pixie, but what are you saying in regards to decreased independence. If you do not want to be with him, I suggest you do it ASAP and not prolong the inevitable.

 

I know for damn sure if my girlfriend told me that we needed some TIME, or the infamous, its not you its me, or I need a break, I would be very hesitant to view it as a positive.

 

So what happens after you guys take a braek, do you mark it on yur calendar the day you will be getting back together? I have seen and experienced this all too often, a break , is a breakup, and it rarely , if ever will strengthen what you two had or could have experienced. Think long and hard, this is a big decision to make on your part.

 

You say you still want to see him, but the catch is, YOU WANT NO COMMITMENT.

Link to comment

Good perspectives from the both of you, Michael & Pixie. The 'debate' is similar to one of the many I've had with myself over the past couple of months.

 

Pixie,

All I can say is before you pull the trigger on a 'break' give him a chance to address your needs, even if it is in the form of an ultimatum. If he is anything like me, once you step over that threshold you will have opened up the question of whether irrepairable damage has been done to the relationship, regardless of who is responsible for bringing the relationship to the point where such a drastic step seemed the only viable option.

 

All situations and relationships are different, which makes it difficult if not impossible to take any of the advice provided on these posts and use it as an exact template or formula to work from. Mine is no exception, and I have no doubt it is quite different from your own in many ways, but I nonetheless appreciate your insight. My girl (ex I guess) and I had been seeing one another for the past 6+ years, serious for the past 4, great friends for all 6+. There is a LOT of history behind the relationship (by-in-large, its all good with a few bumps here and there) but it would take pages to sum it all up. Suffice it to say that she and I met when she was 19 and I was 26; she was a secretary at a law firm where I worked. I won't bore you with the details, but she pursued me pretty aggressively and after awhile I broke down and gave in to her, but took a year before I committed to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

 

Since then we have had a strong, committed relationship, one in which our friendship for one another was a close second to our passion. I've always been strong and I was generous in lending that strength to her and her family when they needed it, often going well beyond what even and above-average responsible guy would do. We welcomed each other into one another's families and were both surprised and very happy at how well we seemed to blend in by just being ourselves. From the beginning one of our top goals was to help her achieve her goal of getting a degree in art from a good school, something she thought that would never happen (because she had little assistance--her family was very poor and she had little to no idea on how to navigate her way to where she needed to be). It would be hard to explain just how much of myself I put into helping her.

 

That road began 6 years ago and this is the beginning of her last year at the college she ultimately transferred to 2 years ago. Its been a tough couple of years, her being 4 hours away and me working ridiculous, high stress hours as a corporate attorney in a firm that is known to be a sweat shop. We knew it would be tough, but thought it would be a good test of whether we could endure. Well, about 6 months ago, she was talking about marriage and the game plan was to get engaged this summer. In the course of 4 months that all got unwound leading up to her hitting the eject button about 2 months ago.

 

There were a few pressure points that sprang up in the span of a couple months, including me pushing to hold to our plan of getting engaged this summer. I think all these things converging at once (plus, she is a beautiful girl and she probably had more than one guy chasing after her), coupled with me being overworked and unattentive (and in a surly mood half the time we talked) pushed her over the edge. She claimed she needed to be independent, felt she was too young to get married, and basically wanted a break. She was EXTREMELY distraught and confused, kept asking me for reassurance that we would be okay, claimed repeatedly that she wanted to be with me long term and have our children, etc. Nonetheless, by break she meant total independence with no limitations on who she did what with.

 

I was/am floored, but said that I could not speak to her until she was able to think of me as the only man in her life, and that she should not contact me for any other reason. That was 2+ months ago and I have not had any contact with her since. I was hurt and perhaps I should not have drawn such a harsh line in the sand, but I felt and still feel its necessary. As I told her I would, I have begun to move on and I am quickly reaching a point where I will not take her back. There are a lot of feelings and facts that are driving that feeling, but one of the strongest I feel is the resentment around her failure to try to work through it or at least give me an opportunity to brace for impact before getting broadsided. After all I have done for her and after all I have invested in the relationship I think I deserved at least that much.

 

If you are going to invoke this torturous thing called a "break" think twice and consider sitting him down and giving him some advance warning on where things will go if there isn't any change.

Link to comment

This has been one of the toughest experiences of my life (probably THE toughest), and I've been through some tough times, but I know I have to let her go if there is any chance of us being together at some point down the road. At what point should I consider trying to contact her, if ever? Since I told her she should only call if/when she was ready to have me as the only guy in her life, it doesn't leave much room for her to try to ease her way back into my life as a 'friend'. Anyone have any insight here?

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Hi,

 

If any of the ladies out there can offer up a woman's perspective on my last post (below) I sure would appreciate it!

 

Thanks,

caveat

 

Hmmm, well, while I cannot totally identify with the situation, I think that calling whenever you feel ready to face it (since it has been 2.5 months) would be alright - obviously you love her, you were with her for several years and honestly, I don't see anything wrong in calling just to see how she is doing. If you are faced with her voice mail, just keep it short and sweet, friendly and all that. I am sure she has not called you to respect your wishes not to talk to her.

 

Though I am not the best adviser for this, I only broke up with my ex 10 days ago, and due to several shared hobbies, have seen him about 4 times! I am really trying to give him his space he so wants, and thinks he needs - and allow him to MISS me more (he does anyway, but REALLY miss me) and it is very hard to do! I would appreciate advice on that!

Link to comment

Wow 5 years is a long time time to be in a relationship. To me it would seem like it was going nowhere. Is there a marriage proposal? a wedding date? If I was with someone that long and the relationship seemed to be in a rut I would want a break too... and maybe a break up in the future. I don't know the circumstances of your "break" but I would wonder if maybe she "wants more" than what was available to her within this situation.

 

Some married people might last a long time because they have a genuine commitment to making their relationship work. They have said their vows and might have problems but there is a legal bond there.

 

I don't think I would want to be with someone more than 2 years without hearing " will you marry me?" or else -I'd be wondering what am I sticking around for?

Link to comment

Thanks Ladies.

 

RayKay,

 

I think you SHOULD give him more of an opportunity to miss you, even if doing so translates into more short term anguish for you. It sounds like he really is a decent guy and I can't help but think that decent guys tend to be more likely to realize when they are letting something good slip through their fingers...and the only way he is going to get this impression is if it really begins to happen.

 

Muneca,

 

It looks like you might not have read through the post midway through the thread that broadly describes the circumstances surrounding the break (e.g. we had talked about getting engaged this summer--she was the one who set the timeframe, and it felt right to me so that was my intention). If you have the time, take a look at the follow up email and see if that clarifies things a bit. If not, I can elaborate...

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
Thanks Ladies.

 

RayKay,

 

I think you SHOULD give him more of an opportunity to miss you, even if doing so translates into more short term anguish for you. It sounds like he really is a decent guy and I can't help but think that decent guys tend to be more likely to realize when they are letting something good slip through their fingers...and the only way he is going to get this impression is if it really begins to happen.

 

Thanks!

 

Well I went about 48 hours of no contact and poof---just had contact from him. As you know, I have said we are friends and it seems like our paths are bound to cross a lot and have in the two weeks we broke up, but I decided to try and not initiate contact myself - though be open if he did start it. I have not seen him since Sunday morning and forced myself to sit very tight against contacting him at all Sunday evening or at all yesterday. I just received an email at work from him - a very brief one asking if I had his sunglasses since he has not seen them since LAST Monday at a race (he has not been over to my place since then and I am pretty sure he would of mentioned something by now) and also if I wanted to go to a road bike race tomorrow (I just checked, there is no race tomorrow). Then he just asked "Beyond that, how's it going".

 

Of course, I am not going to ignore him either. So I replied that I have not seen them, but would check for them of course, and that I have to race the road sometime and would think about it (I am a mtn bike racer generally) and just said something about being a lot more confident due to more group rides, and also impromptu group rides with others I meet up with while out riding. Just let him know I was good, and was having a busy week with work, and that an old army buddy was coming back to town so I was going to go out for a night of beers and reminiscing with a bunch of the ex-army mates.

 

I tried to keep it short, and it was upbeat, let him know I was keeping busy and closed with a "and you?" just to keep it open if he wants. No "I miss you"'s or emotion, just friendliness. Granted, I know at this point I can read into things...but for one, he did not have to email me at work where he knew I would be here to see it right away - he could of just emailed to my personal account.

 

Of course this whole situation is driving me mental, but for some reason last night a wave of calm washed over me, I truly felt like things would be okay in time and that in the end, everything would work out (whatever that might be, I just felt it would all be okay). Of course, I slept poorly last night and woke up feeling sad again, but the calmness has returned again.

 

I know someone from another board whom when he found out I broke up with my ex had told me right away to just give it time and don't give up right away, just over 21 years ago he broke up with his girlfriend of two years. He was working two jobs at time, was stressed, and the relationship was the easiest thing to "let go" or the easiest thing to "blame". His ex was very open in that time - she did not stop living her life, even if it meant she would run into him at times. When he called, she called back, when he wrote her letters she wrote back. It was very tough for her, but he credits them for getting back together as in the end he realized that he truly wanted HER and the relationship. He increasingly realized that he wanted her there and that the relationship was truly what mattered, as was she. He slowly realized what he had lost. Two months later, they very slowly came back together, and they have been married 21 years now, and he says she is his best friend. Now that is a GOOD ending! You never know, any one of our stories might end up the same.

Link to comment

He just wrote me back a freaking novel! Not about us, but asking if that meant I wanted to go to the race tomorrow, if I wanted to do group road ride thursday, and also some insight onto his best friend (whos is a girl) own life relationship crisis. Okay, not a novel, but certainly quite long and open to more talking from me...and he even mentioned last night he got bored/lonely for first time in a long while. And said the army buddies thing made him a bit jealous....

Link to comment

Caveat you're right I didn't read the follow up and was unaware of the entire situation. I would advise you to just sit tight and give her the room she wants. This has been the only serious relationship of her adult life (right?) and that may be why she is getting cold feet now. Wondering to herself: Is there something else (better) out there?

 

It is unfortunate that you have already put yourself out for this girl so much, helping her financially etc. you feel very invested here. We cannot dictate what is in the others heart but we can protect our own. Maybe the time away from you, and new experiences will bring her back. The neighbors lawn is not greener as we initially think. Let her find out for herself.

It might not be quick (her return) but if the feelings are real they will not go away with time.

Good luck !

Link to comment

This is the first serious relationship in her adult life and I know she is scared about taking the next step (she was visibly relieved when I said that I wasn't hung up on getting engaged this summer, that she needed only to tell me that she wasn't ready--after all I was settled on this summer because she had said it would be the right time). And I think that her fear plus her desire to experience what single life has to offer is pulling her away from staying in a committed relationship. I have my suspicions about there being a 3rd party, but if so I think she has been tempted to go there, but hasn't due to our relationship. Speculation will only make things worse at this point...one day I'm sure I will know.

 

Attitudes change, but I don't think its a matter of her looking for something better, just the unfettered right to do what she wants--and thats what she claimed to be the main reason. It almost seems like a kneejerk reaction to the prospect of taking the ultimate step in partnership.

 

I knew this day might come, but was willing to take the risk. I guess I was hoping that if I raised the bar high enough she would never give in to the temptation to wander. The question now is whether that bar is raised high enough to pull her back after she has time to explore...and whether I'll still be able to take her back if she does. Time will tell. 3 months have passed since I told her I couldn't speak to her until she sees me as the only man in her life and though its gotten better, its still an every day battle to keep her out my thoughts each minute of the day.

 

I have let her go, but I'm having difficulty moving on. Each step hurts and I want to look back over my shoulder before taking the next.

Link to comment

my ex mentioned to me that he wanted a break/time apart. sometimes i think that he was just not man enough to break up with me. so i was the one who broke it off! why wait around for something that might not come back?

Link to comment

I'm not sure what the difference is between a break-up and the kind of break that caveat is going through, since it seems like his ex is allowed to do everything that a single person would do.

 

Personally, I went through a break, then it became a break-up, and I'm much happier with the break-up. For one thing it feels more honest, and I'm better able to concentrate on myself. During the break all I could do was think about whether or not she was going to come back. Now, though I hope something happens, I know I have to assume nothing. And I have to find ways to move on with my life.

 

More than anything I have to quit hoping that after a week of being broken up "something's going to happen." It is so hard and painful. But reading the posts on this web site, and seeing one week is nothing, two weeks is nothing, caveat has kept this up for 3 months--it's inspiring, and gives me a better sense of perspective.

Link to comment

^ Do you have a thread open somewhere? I don't think there is enough information about your situation, that's why I ask.

 

Either way ... if your girlfriend is telling you that she 'needs a break' and will 'contact you when she's ready', that's all you need to know. There isn't much else you can do because she hasn't given you enough to work with. You say you've invited her on a trip but she hasn't answered yet. She obviously needs some time to evaluate herself, you, and your relationship. Either she will come to you or she won't. It sounds awful, but that's the way these things work.

 

Imagine she was in your shoes and you requested a break with her. If you really want her back in your life, you will find a way to get her back, or at least try to. When you really love someone, you make your best effort to have that person.

Link to comment

As Michael mentioned earlier in this thread, I think a break and a break-up are really the same thing, but as with all things where so many variables are involved, there are many shades of grey. What you can't do is live in the grey...you have to assume that its over and let her go. There is no strength to be found in limbo; you HAVE to move forward.

 

You have a choice: you can take the energy that you focused/invested on her and squander it by moping and feeling sorry for yourself, or you can use it to build yourself into a stronger person, fixing or improving on those things that might have contributed to the breakup. This is one of the GOOD things that comes out of newfound (albeit unwanted!) independence and though the pain of her absense seems crippling at times as I continue to pour my energy into me and only me, I continue to be stunned with the strength I'm building up.

 

As each day passes I realize more and more that after 5 intense years of being tightly bound to one another we lost sight of some of our individuality, probably more so than was healthy and definitely more so than was intended. I was/am the rock who would protect her and her family at all costs, and do everything in my power to help her achieve her goals. In doing that I forgot to take care of myself first and when life handed me a couple of tough changes before the breakup I began to tire and became needy.

 

The relationship was out of balance...we were out of balance individually. The only way to get the balance back is to work on yourself first and reclaim your strength. Just be aware that this is not an exercise to get your ex back, its an exercise to get yourself back. You do this and you will reclaim your happiness at some point, with or without her.

 

I am a big advocate of no contact when an ex hits the eject button and is conflicted...they have to realize that you are about to exit their life and any decision they make they have to make on their own. My advice to the both of you is to back off and get on with your lives. Remember you WANT them but you don't NEED them. Life goes on with or without them.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...