My boyfriend doesn't share the load, ie: lazy

hello,

My problem is this:

I have been in a great relationship for over 8 years. I met my boyfriend in highschool and we have been together ever snce. In the past two years we have moved in together, in his parents home. So we don't have all the regular responsibility of owning our own personal home, we both still have responsibilities, general responsibilities like chores and such. well, our relationship is great for the most part. we can talk to eachother about anything, and he is generally understanding. But the problem is, he is just plain lazy most of the time. He won't do anything unless he absolutely has too, or if i nag him about it. The laundry doesn't get done unless I do it, or if I ask him about 5 times to do it. occasionally he surprises me and makes the bed. He also makes dinner sometimes, but then again he likes to make dinner. our room gets messy, and the only one who cleans it is me, unless I ask him, but then he gets in a mood because he has to clean his own mess. he always leaves his clothes on the floor. I told him a couple of times that i wouldnt wash any clothes that were not in the hamper. but then i feel bad and wash them anyway. he doesnt take responsibility for his pet. when it gets sick, i have to take it to the vet, AND give it it's medicine, which is a real chore. I told him he needed to take responsibility for his animal, but then he gets mad about that. The thing is, I would just like him to take it upon himself to do some things. its not like he does typical "man" work around the house like mowing the lawn or fixing things either. I love him with all my heart, and I want to be with him forever, but this really bugs me. I have talked to him about it in the past, and things change for about 2 or 3 days, then we are right back to normal. When I have off of school,(which i go full time) and my part-time job, i have to do all the chores that need to be done, as well as homework. when he has off of work, he generally does nothing, lays around, or sits on the computer. this is probably the actions of a typical guy, i know, but I feel he is better than that. I need advice on what to do. is there some way to secretly train him to do these things without him knowing? please help!!

thanks

Orange23, what you describe is almost like me in my prior relationship and it bugged the HE_L out of my ex as well. Growing up my mom did most of the housework for us, so naturally the expectation is that the woman with you will do it (subconsciously of course). Plus, I work two jobs to boot and am tired on the weekends when most work is done. And my EX would nag me and it would burn me up, especially since in college I was forced to do my own chores, did it well, but then when we met she VOLUNTEERED to do them but over-time seemed to get tired of it. The clothes on the floor, hamper stuff, unwilling to take the trash out (sometimes I'd forget the days) is (*cough*WAS*COUGH*) exactly me....UGH...

But I have to be honest here. I know she loved me to death and when we broke up, I finally realized just how much that kind of stuff bothered her. Funny thing is, now in my new place...alone...I vacuum everyday, do the laundry all the time, my trash can never gets full without me taking it out, my place is spotless, and I think to myself why the hell didn't I do this with her...Its like I now despise dust and love coming home to a clean, potporri scented, place. I guess it was the constant nagging that would make me mad after she said she wanted to do it for me.

For me, the moving on my own showed me just how giving my EX was in this regard. With your Guy, I'd say don't nag, it never works! Try telling him in a conversation, that you've thought about it, and that he's exactly right he shouldn't have to do the chores. Tell him, you prefer he does them, but you understand that he's very busy, just like you are going to school full-time and working, and that he has very little time to devote to those things just like you do. Also say that it no longer bothers you if he doesn't help out, you understand his feelings, and that its a burden to him, and you realize that so its no longer an issue. And see how he responds. I'm guessing it should come as a shock to him that you finally aren't pressuring him to do it, but instead prefer that he does it with no pressure. See what happens.

Also, look and see whether his family upbringing had anything to do with it. In my case, that was the expectation. If so, its hard to hardwire someone differently especially after all those years but IT CAN BE DONE. But don't push, and realize that although it bugs you, is it really worth giving up on an otherwise good guy? The next guy might have the same issue....so sometimes giving up on the known for the unknown isn't the best strategy.

Wow!!!! I have the exact same problem. I wrote a thread about this under "Domestic Duties-Lack Of". My ex was so freaking lazy and although he tried to pick up after himself etc., I would be the one responsible for bathrooms, vaccuming, making the bed, cooking...everything! The only thing he did was his OWN laundry, which he would let pile up until he had no more clothes to wear!

I absolutely hated having to be his mother and maid all the time. And as Kipster wrote, see how his upbringing was in his own family. My ex's mother did everything for him and he never lifted a finger to help with cooking or anything for that matter.

My point is, I completely understand the frustration you feel. I found myself in a bind because it's not like my ex wouldn't do things when I asked him to, but he would never take the initative to clean up whatever needed to be cleaned. He never noticed that the bathroom needed scrubbing, or that he left crumbs on the counter, or that the cat litter needed to be changed. His excuse was that he just doesn't notice these things. And so of course, I would end up doing it.

The ironic thing is that after we broke up and I kicked him out, he went back to his mom's home and he realized how dirty his mom can be at times. He told me he found himself acturally picking up after his mom! Go figure!

So, I guess my conclusion is similar to Kipster's. Guys need to experience living on their own first before they can come to the understanding that living like a rat in a hold is not appealing toward women. I wish that they would all just "get it"!

Advice: talk to him with a serious tone. He may never really fully understand your frustration until he has to take responsibility for himself on his own. Maybe you can switch it up to prove a point. Have him do all the housekeeping for one month so that he can have a taste of his own medicine. Write out a schedule for him if you want to go that far. I would suggest telling him how you think that he's very lazy, but in the nicest way possible so that you're not offending him.

My mistake with my ex is that I nagged too much and it caused a lot of stress for us. Even though he tried his best, it was never enough.

Wow!!!! I have the exact same problem. I wrote a thread about this under "Domestic Duties-Lack Of". My ex was so freaking lazy and although he tried to pick up after himself etc., I would be the one responsible for bathrooms, vaccuming, making the bed, cooking...everything! The only thing he did was his OWN laundry, which he would let pile up until he had no more clothes to wear!.

I must admit tiger_lilies, alot of us guys are sorely deficient in that department, but sometimes it takes having that stuff taken away to realize how important it really is. We don't do it purposefully, but man do we HATE being nagged. For a male, after lying and cheating, NAGGING is the third most vital commandment to keeping a man happy. Man do we despise it. Asking is one thing, but NAGGING is like scraping nails accross a chalkboard to us. And my EX did damn near all of the chores save vacuuming and the garbage. But to be honest, I'd have never seen it until I was on the outside looking in.

I absolutely hated having to be his mother and maid all the time. And as Kipster wrote, see how his upbringing was in his own family. My ex's mother did everything for him and he never lifted a finger to help with cooking or anything for that matter..

That's typical for alot of guys I'd say a healthy majority if I had to guess in terms of upbrining. But just as you hated 'having to be his mother and maid' I can assure you, he HATED HAVING YOU REMIND HIM THAT YOU FELT LIKE THAT. I know I did. It just seemed like my Ex always wanted a pat on the back for doing the housework, whereas I was the type to if I saw something dirty I cleaned it up and didn't expect any praise (that was when I did it). But instead of her asking me to do something, she's alway push and nag. And generally, that never gets the desired behavior.

...he would never take the initative to clean up whatever needed to be cleaned. He never noticed that the bathroom needed scrubbing, or that he left crumbs on the counter, or that the cat litter needed to be changed. His excuse was that he just doesn't notice these things. And so of course, I would end up doing it...

I'm telling you, we NEVER DO! But its really not purposeful or to spite you. I'm being honest. Generally we just don't see it, nor understand just how irritated some of you get because of it.

So, I guess my conclusion is similar to Kipster's. Guys need to experience living on their own first before they can come to the understanding that living like a rat in a hold is not appealing toward women. I wish that they would all just "get it"!...

For me, my separation has showed me many things that I did wrong and it took getting my own place to realize them. Funny thing is, I don't know if I would have ever noticed them had I not got my own place? So its like although I wish the split didn't happen, it really was necessary (although, I hope temporary).

My mistake with my ex is that I nagged too much and it caused a lot of stress for us. Even though he tried his best, it was never enough.

Exactly...I'm telling you the quickest way to tick a guy off is to do that. But no matter how hard he tries, it would never be enough and it won't be with another guy either. Its just a matter of compromise really, if you ask me. No one's perfect and there are no guarantees that the next guy, or the guy after him will be any better.

I think you should make a list of the chores that have to be done around the house & then sit down with him & split them up between you both. Let him even pick which chores he wants, that way they will be something that at least he picked out. Tell him that these are things he needs to do & you work very hard & he needs to help you out. Don't nag him anymore. If you see that he hasn't done something, just casually ask him if he's done it yet.. Its really not fair that you are the only one helping out & he needs to start. Otherwise things are going to get very difficult for you.

I think you should make a list of the chores that have to be done around the house & then sit down with him & split them up between you both. Let him even pick which chores he wants, that way they will be something that at least he picked out. Tell him that these are things he needs to do & you work very hard & he needs to help you out. Don't nag him anymore. If you see that he hasn't done something, just casually ask him if he's done it yet.. Its really not fair that you are the only one helping out & he needs to start. Otherwise things are going to get very difficult for you.

I like some of your suggestions here, especially the notion of giving him a choice. We generally love choices, but hate being forced to do anything. I don't think I'd go with the laundry list approach though. How about starting small, then working your way up. Or alternatively, ask him to do something really huge (that you know he won't do, but do it in a soothing tone), then ask him to do the small thing thereafter that you wanted him to do from the beginning. This way although he doesn't comply with the large request, since you have decreased the size of the request he may reciprocate and comply with the smaller request? Remember use your head and don't allow your emotions to make a rash decision. Just think of alternative ways to get the desired behavior as opposed to resorting to nagging or simply giving up. It takes time...Remember its unrealistic to think he will change over night...but you must remain consistent without NAGGING..

Thank you guys for all of your advice. The truth is, I knew already it was a part of his upbringing. the same as Kipster. His mom always did all of the chores, and she never even asked him to do any of them, and his father never does them either. He did move out with his friends for about 5 months before we moved in together. I stayed over almost every night, but I didn't do any of the chores because none of them were my responsibility, except the dishes occasionally. when he lived with his friends, after I taught him to do the laundry, he did it himself. Yes, he would generally let it pile up like a typical guy, but he did it. I told him I was proud of him that he was doing all of this for himself. Then when we moved back in with his mom together, he helped out the same way at first. but then..... alass.... the old habbits came back. I don't want to make him sound like a total slob. He does clean up after himself for the most part, except for the soda cans next to the bed, and laundry. He is typically a neat guy. I would never think of leaving him for something as trivial as this, he would have to do something really, really, really bad!!! I love him with all my heart, and like I said before, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I also have thought about what you all had said about other guys being the same way, I know that is true for the most part, and I don't want another guy anyway, mine is just great, except for this. He does try though. I do admit it, but ...... I just hate the part where, he doesn't really EXPECT me to do it ..... you are definatly right when you say that he just doesnt THINK about it. I just wish he would, like I do. Sometimes he does it all by himself, but that is very rare, and when he does I let him know how happy it makes me. When I lived with my father, I had to do all of my laundry and the dishes since I was eight years old, and I dont want to be the only one to do the chores for the rest of my life. I have asked him about when we have our own place though. I said..." you will help out around the house right? If I do all the laundry and 'typical girl stuff' you will do the fixing and mowing the lawn and 'typical guy stuff', right" he said yes, but I just worry about that not happening and me doing it all by myself. And I rarely "nag" about the chores, only when it really gets to me, which is usually around that time of the month anyway. I have talked to him about it, or rather tried to, but just like you guys said before, he just gets irritated at the topic. I will have to try the list thing where I give him a choice though, that sounds like a good idea. I dont want to irritate him, I just want fairness. is that too much to ask?

I think thats perfectly fair. He should have to help around the house. Just because girls have been the ones known to clean, doesn't mean it has to be that way & it shouldn't be. I'm glad you are taking my advice. I'm glad I could help! Let us know how it goes!

its same with me i live with my boyfriend in his parentals house. i love him but he is so damn [mod edit] lazy right after school he goes and plays on his computer. I put his dishes away, wash his clothes, etc. I am a very active girl i like to go biking, working out, out doorsy stuff and usually want to do these activities with a partner but he always says no when i ask him. its seriously annoying me now I dont know if i should just go back home and just leave his * * * * * cuz i can't live being like this anymore.

I have this same problem with my girlfriend. It is HER house, and she does almost no cleaning. The sink is always full of dishes, she never vacuums, never picks anything up, dishes all over the house, piles of junk mail that aren't getting thrown out, piles of laundry in the bedroom, piles of laundry in the basement (that's where the washer/dryer is), it drives me nuts. So, I do most of the cleaning.

Why?

I am a neat freak. I like things orderly and tidy. I clean most of the house once a week, except for her junk mail and her laundry.

We do not live together....yet.

Right now, parts of the house look like a disaster area because we are in the process of remodeling and painting, so it's worse than normal. Wait, I should say I am in the process of remodeling and painting, because of the five rooms I have done, I've done 85% of the work. She offers to help but is in the way more than she helps.

hehe, that's funny, I'm in the same boat your in, except it's my girlfriend, and you can add a newborn in the equation You find a solution, let me know.