Why do I feel this way? Wanna crawl in a hole and die

It's a long story: I met a cute girl 24 years ago. She was a nimphomaniac which seemed like a good thing at the time. She had some problems but I thought she would grow out of them, she had a violent temper at times, low selfesteem and was a bit paronoid. We both worked and had our own checking accounts. She was allways broke and I allways saved money. We lived together for 4 years before she wanted to get married. After a 2 years of marriage she decided to have a baby. We worked out our finances and made plans. She was going to quit her job when the baby was born and stay at home for a year. She was laid off of her job when she was 6 months pregnent. She immediately became very depressed and would just lay in bed till she would go shopping. We set up a joint account when she was laid off and she spent everything in it every month. I tried to reason with her and set up a budget but it allways wound up in an argument with her telling me that I was mean and she would leave me if I took her money away. We went to some christian family/marriage councelors mainly because they were free and we were allways broke. The first one was the most thorough, we took all kinds of marriage personality tests and and spoke with him separately and some together. It was then that I realized that she had a serious problem. She wouldn't accept what the councelor said and continued to blame me for all her problems. When we would argue she would threaten to leave and would start calling her old boyfriends up. I thought she would get better after the baby was born but it just got worse. She became suisidal and once played chicken with cars going down the hiway with our infant son in the car. I tried to get her help. I took her to several councelors and doctors. They litteraly tried every kind of antidepressant they could think of. She was diagnosed as having manic depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. I considered having her commited but our insurance would only pay for 2 weeks in a mental hospital and that wouldn't be enough to do any good. She would get a job every once in a while and then would just walk off from it. One job she got she was at for a week getting trained by the person she was replacing. When the people were giving the person leaving a little going away party my wife was left up front to answer the phones. When they were done they came out to find nobody there. She just left. This type of thing happened with all her attempts at working. Most of her time was spent in bed. She would get up long enough to go shopping and return to bed when she would get back home. Her clothes would pile up next to the bed and into the closet sometimes as much as a foot deep. New clothes would just stay in the store bags sometimes for weeks. Once our son was big enough she would have him bring her snacks and food in bed. The house was a filthy mess. I was instructed by several councelors to not clean it up, but sometimes it was just too much to bear. I allways came straight home from work and tried to encourage her and help her do the housework but I would not do it for her except when i thought it was a danger to our son. she ran off all of her friends and mine too by calling them up and cussing them out, claiming they said things that they never did. Many people told me to divorce her but I took my voues seriously and thought that she would come out of it someday. Things were like this for about 7 years off and on. There would be times that she would be ok. We would make new friends and I was encouraged. The good times never lasted as long as the bad. She continued to go to every kind of doctor she could think of to look for a cure for her depression. She continued to shop till the money was gone and began charging things. One day when I got home from work she accused me of cheating on her and showed me test results that she had a sexually transmitted disease called chlamydia. I haven't ever cheated on her. It was a humiliating experence having to get tested for that. I came out clean. She was retested and still showed positive. We had to both be treated for it. She never would admit to cheating on me and continued to claim I gave it to her inspite of the test results. There were many occasions that she would drop our son off at daycare and go somewhere. whenever I would ask she would allways say shopping or aerobics. I didn't press the issue of her getting that infection. I figured she would have learned her lesson and it wouldnt happen again. She was starting to have some female problems and decided that that was the cause of her depression and kept changing doctors till she found one willing to give her a hysterectomy. That did have a major effect on her. She instantly had a tremendous amount of energy. Just prior to her getting a hysterectomy I quit smoking and began to have my own health problems. Instead of feeling better when I quit. I was sleepy all the time and after a lot of tests and doctors I found out I had narcolepsy. I have to take stimulants to keep from falling asleep while driving. What a switch. Now I am tired and she is running around like a rabbit. Shopping more than ever. I finally had to borrow $17000 from my retirement plan to pay off bills. It did get her to quit charging things for a while. I joined a model clup with our son so we could have some quality time together and my wife would join us at some club social events. I noticed something about her behavior changing and was concerned about where she was picking up some strange ideas at and I put a recorder on our home phone and found out she was having phone sex and an affair with one of the single members of the club. Still believing that our marriage could be saved I confronted them with what I knew and said no more. This startes another round of arguments with my wife and changed our relationship forever. The things she said were so mean and hurtfull that I swore she would never hurt me like that again. I didn't leave her because of our son. I thought it would be better for him if I stayed. I stopped rushing home from work to be with her. I stopped going shopping with her. Whenever we would argue she would threaten me that she would take our son and leave, she knew how to get to me. So I put up with her shopping but told her she had better not ever screw around again. She worked some from time to time but all the jobs ended the same as before. We drifted apart. Our sexlife dropped from a few times a week over time to a couple times a month. It got to the point that I would have to force myself to have sex with her just to keep her from bitching. It wasn't the fact that she wasn't attractive or that i wasn't up to it. It was because I was so unhappy, in debt, tired, living with a woman that is only staying for the money. I had no hope for the future and was on the verge of giving up and didn't want to live. She got a job just before I hurt my neck. I was in constant pain and unable to sleep more than an hour at a time. I had to sleep on the couch with the cushons propped up like a hospital bed. I was on disability for 5 months it took 3 months to get surgury and 2 months recovery i was collecting 60% of my normal bay but no taxes were taken out and she was making about half of that but the whole time I was home she was shopping after work and the bills were building up. I had some money that I inherited from my parents and had to put $4000 extra into the account and still had people turn us over to collection agencys. After I recovered from the surgery I realized how bad things were and finally started to put my foot down. She was going to be limited to the money she made. She came up with one excuse after another why she couldn't and dragged it out for months but in that time we did get the bills paid down some. She spent less and less time home till it was about to the point that it was only a place to sleep. She washed her clothes but nobody elses. she didn't cook and rarely ate at home. I was avoiding her when she was because she was cussing the whole time she did anything. Our son was too. one day she paid our sons girlfriend to help do dishes and she told his girlfriend about an affair she was having with a guy at work with lots of details. His girlfriend was shocked that she was telling her and the girl told our son about this and then he told me, along with a few other things that i didn't know about. I think he was more upset that i was. I just felt kind of numb at the time. I also wasn't sure about it because it came from his girlfriend. He decided to confront my wife about it and record it. The next day he played back the conversation, she didn't deny any of it and said it wasn't any of his business. She was very upset that his girlfriend had tattled on her. I confronted her about it when she got home and she denied it all and said anyone that said it was a liar even after I told her our son recorded their conversation. when I told her it was over and we ARE getting a divorce she told me that 2 guys at work forced her to have sex with them and it wasn't her fault. That sounded like rape to me. I dialed 911 and handed the phone to her and told her to tell them that. I didn't hear exactly what she said, i was pacing around too much when she hung up I asked her more about the 2 men and she admitted to having sex with them again she said thafter it happened it was not a big deal and it was easy. The police arrived to find out what was going on. I told them what she claimed she was raped and that I didn't believe her but it had to be reported they interviewed her and she told them that she wasn't raped she was tricked into having sex with them. Our son was in the house and turned the recorder on and recorded the conversation with the police. Afterwards they said one of us had to leave because they were called out for a domestic disturbance. They made her leave. I couldn't locate her for 3 days and then she called and wanted to stay till she could give notice at work. I let her stay a couple of days and then told her it wasn't going to work and she needed to find a place to stay by the end of the week. The next day she called from work to tell me she met some guy and was going to to meet him after work and follow him to his house and stay with him. She hadn't ever seen him before and didn't know anything about him and wasn't even going to tell anyone who he was. I did convince her to tell someone at work who she was going to stay with. It would just be too stupid not to. after staying with him a little over a week

she calls me up in the middle of the night in a panic, in her car, lost, with no place to go the guy scared the hell of her and she took off, driving at night with no headlights so he couldn't find her. She begged for me to forgive her and swore she would stop shopping and never fool around again. I felt sorry for her and thought that maybe she really ment it. I let her come back with some conditions First she had to go to the doctor and get tested for anything she might have gotten second no more fooling around third was she would have to go to a councelor and 4th no more shopping. She agreed to this and came back. Her first trip out on her own she bought some clothes. her shopping stedially increased. We went to a councelor 3 times and she wouldn't go back. The condoms that were in her drawer were dwindling away. Her laundry had several corcetts that hook in the back but lace up in the front that were unlaced. I had never seen her wear them. she didn't wear them for me. I reached my limit when she came wandering in on a friday night at 2:30 in the morning. I gave her a chance and she does this to me. I had a hard time believeing it. in less than 3 months she charged up more than $3000 in credit card bills. I had an accounting of the money spent for the first 9 months of 2003 and she spent $23,000 on personal stuff everything else like car payments and other bills and what i spent was only$18,000. After i threw her out she told me she had 10 affairs in the last year. and claims that she didn't do anything wrong to me and that it is all my fault. she moved out of state and was staying with her parents. She told me she was with 17 more men there. She is currently traveling with an alchoholic that had been a millionaire and a surgeon and they are looking for work in one of the carolinas. I tried to get her to sign the divorce papers for two months and she kept coming up with crazy things she wanted. Now she wants me to send the divorce papers ASAP so she can marry him before he dies. She claims he has cancer. It is now 3 months since i threw her out. Why do I feel so bad now?

Disclaimer: The following might be a little too frank, and perhaps a little too harsh, but it is my opinion, and my opinion only. So, don't take umbrage to any of it, and just read it as a cluster of advice to be absorbed or discarded at your prerogrative.

It looks like you brought a lot of this upon yourself. I'm not one to judge you or the reasonability of your discretions, but it seems apparent that you were willing to forgive and forget a little too often. You gave her an inch of free space, and she took ten. In your initial post, I got the impression that you were hoodwinked over and over again, and not once did you learn from your mistake(s). Now, granted, having a son in the picture complicates things, but with her being diagnosed with OCD and manic depression, I'm sure that you could've wriggled your son away from her in divorce court, and perhaps, spent your retirement money on a good lawyer, as opposed to being swindled perpetually.

In your opening sentence, you stated that she was a nymphomaniac -- one who lecherously indulges in sex at every opportunity. Hindsight is always 20/20, but a woman with such a trait isn't marriage material, at least, not one who is conducive to the viability and integrity of a marriage, right?

Another thing: your wife cheated on you not because you're a bad guy; it was because you were TOO ingratiating and curried favor to compensate for the implicit threat of losing your son. Remember -- relationships last because of one important X factor on the man's part: challenge. If you give in too often -- and in this case, at an unremitting pace -- you undermine any mystique, mystery, and most importantly, your respect. Your wife got bored and was irreverent in addressing your requests because you were no challenge. You never put your foot down nor did you set any unyielding limits. Even if you did constrain the parameters of which she could operate in, you conceded once she broke them. You lost your respect; and hence, she lost her interest in you.

Hopefully, you'll learn from your mistakes and move on, notwithstanding your son, of course.

As for her leaving, don't feel bad. For once, be strong, fixed in your purpose, unflappable in your demeanor, steadfast in your spirit, and repeat after me, "good riddance."

And I most likely still am. I know that a marriage based on sex isn't enough, but i married her anyway. I was thinking with the wrong part of my body. We didn't have much else in common. Had she stayed the same as she was before she got pregnant it might have worked out. It might not have though. I was very serious about "in sickness and health" and "till death do you part". I did bring this on myself. I should have drawn the line and left when she crossed it. For some reason I allways thought I could help her and it would work out. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!

I was soooo happy when I threw her out for the last time. A terrible load was lifted off and it was great. But now i feel like my life is spent, wasted, and empty. I was expecting to feel much better than this and get on with my life. I may just be weary of waiting for it to be finished. She has papers to sign before it can be finalized. Most of her stuff is still here, all but about 6 suitcases full. I inventoried her clothes when she was demanding that she should get the house and our son and I should leave. she has 1800+ coats, sweaters, blouses, dresses, skirts, and pants. 98 bras, 105 pairs of footwear, 30 gallons of pantyhose and stockings ( I wasn't about to try to count them) 240 pairs of socks. hundreds of earrings and necklesses and hundreds of nick nacks and beenie babies. Counting all that stuff was quite depressing. She was supposed to come get it but hasn't, I can't give it away or sell it till the divorce is final. I'm sick of it being here. I feel a bit better today. I think it did some good just finally getting this off my chest. As far as who would get custody of a young child it is still a very difficult battle to convince a court that a mother is and will remain unfit to retain custody. By far most men loose this battle. With most courts you have to PROVE the mother is a danger to the child.

all i can say is that i really hope things work out for you and that god be with you. I'm not very relegious but after reading your story i know there has to be something that is looking out for you and that soon you will see that this is for the best and that the worst is over. Below is another post that i read today that will help you to stop thinking negatively hopefully.

Start by identifying the type of thought you need to change. For example, if you are obsessed with your ex, it would be all thoughts about your ex. If you have low self-esteem, it would be all negative, denigrating thoughts about yourself. If you worry too much about something, it would be every time you have an anxious thought about that issue. If you have sexual obsessions, it would be every time you think about sex or at least that unhealthy obsession.

2) When you get one of those thoughts, say, "Stop It!" to yourself. (Not out loud, unless you want to get arrested!) Then say the opposite of whatever is bothering you. Phrase it in the most positive, uplifting way. For example, if you get a thought like, "I miss my ex

so much; I'll never be happy again," you say, "Stop It! I can be happy with someone else and I will be." If you get a thought like, "He didn't love me, and no one will ever love me again," you say, "Stop it! I am lovable, and I will find someone compatible who will love me just as

much as I love him." If you're trying to study and getting a thought like, "It's useless,"you say, "Stop It! I'm going to do my best and I will focus now." If you get a thought like, "I wonder what she's like in bed," you say, "Stop it! I like her as a complete person."Be careful that the replacement thought is positive and uplifting, and remember to say it

after the, "Stop It!" In other words, don't just stop the thought - replace it with that positive, uplifting thought. Otherwise, you are just thinking negatively.

3) Then turn your attention to what you are doing, if you are doing something important (e.g., writing checks). If you aren't doing anything that requires concentration (e.g., doing something mechanical or semi-automatic like washing dishes or driving a car), have a positive fantasy that does not remind you of what you are trying to forget (e.g.,

plan your day, plan some project you're working on, have a passive fantasy about floating down the river on a raft). Be sure it's a positive, healthy fantasy and does not remind you of whatever it is you're trying to forget.

4) Calmly repeat this process every time you get one of your unhealthy thoughts.

5) In the beginning, you will find that you're thinking your unhealthy thought for awhile before you catch yourself. However, as you continue to practice this technique, you will get faster at catching yourself. In addition, in the beginning, after you stop the thought, it will return again. You'll be in the middle of your fantasy, and there it will be! However,

the more your practice the technique, you will be able to keep the thought away longer and longer, until one day you suddenly realize that you have forgotten ____ (whatever was the problem). That is the nature of the technique; in order to truly notice that it has worked, you have to "remember" that you once had difficulty with it, but then you forgot

it!

6) One caution: Every psychological technique can be used in an inappropriate way, or at an inappropriate time, to make it unhealthy, rather than healthy. For example, if you use this technique to forget about paying your bills, it's not healthy! Or if you use it to avoid feeling guilty about having an affair, it's not good. Basically, use the technique to cease

bthoughts that are unhealthy or pathological for you, so that you can behave in healthy, productive, ethical ways. Do not use it to become more unethical, unhealthy or pathological.

7) Also, don't use the thought-stopping to completely avoid taking positive behavioral action that can help you. For example, besides stopping thoughts about your ex, send in that Photopersonal, or join that introduction service, so you can find someone compatible in the future. And if you're constantly worrying about bills, make up a workable budget — some solution that will solve the problem in the future.

There are times when you can use the technique to temporarily stop a thought because you have taken whatever action you can, and have put it on your "Things to Do" List (which you do consult!). If there isn't anything you can do about it now, worrying and obsessing about it is unproductive. If it's midnight and you're in bed worrying about something you can't take care of tonight, get up and write it down; then go to bed and use

the thought-stopping so you can fall asleep and be well-rested tomorrow.