Question for the Men (Women too, if you've experienced this)

Hey guys,

 

I don't know if this is the appropriate place to ask this, but why do some men physically abuse women?

 

I just met up with my ex on Friday. He was mad at me because I didn't answer his calls. I didn't know it was him. I thought that he could care less to call, and finally moved on. So, I told him that we can settle things out for a nice conversation to have closure. I didn't know that such a small thing could lead up to such violence! I've been crying since. I don't know how to handle this pain. We got into an argument over the phone. I told him that he's not my boyfriend anymore, and that I'm ready to meet 'new' people.

 

I've recently met one, in which I think he might be a 'nice' guy! I'm tring to take things slow. I guess my ex caught onto me actually moving on. We didn't speak to each other for about a week. I thought that we both moved on, and were ready to just be friends. I really didn't know what to expect. I thought that he was over it. I sincerely thought that he moved on. But he called. So, I felt bad and gave in by trying to 'talk things out'. I didn't want to see him hurt. I didn't want to feel like I'm hurting someone, whom I once loved. I didn't have the heart to hurt him. Our conversation started with something serious, but afterwards, I started crying, and then he started getting frustrated. I literally, wanted to open the door while he was driving and end my life. Things got worse on Friday, when we met. I told him how I felt. Then his friends made a last minute call to attend a party. I guess he didn't feel like talking it out anymore. So he went to drop me off. I cried, because I didn't know what he wanted from me. He shouted back, calling me names, using profanity, and cussing at me. I told him to stop, but he didn't. He kept on yelling and screaming. But, I couldn't believe it. He pulled my hair.

 

I guess I think when he pulled me hair hard enough that, while I cried, that my entire body started heating up because of I was in 'shock'. I wanted to faint. My body couldn't handle it. I was so weak. My body felt so frail. I couldn't do anything but lay there crying. Then my body started giving up. I started bleeding like crazy. It wouldn't stop. I bled through my nose and mouth. I've never bled as much as I did that night. I was covered with blood. I couldn't believe it. I'm still horrified. I don't know what happned. I don't know why I started bleeding. I guess physiologically, I felt so much stress during that moment that my body just gave up. Then he started hitting me, because he was frustrated as to why I wouldn't stop crying, couldn't stop bleeding, and the whole incident caused him to be late to the party. It was such a scary scene.

 

He started yelling, pushing, shoving, and punched me. He said, "Stop Bleeding! Why the f don't you stop bleeding?!" I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop crying or bleeding. It wouldn't stop. I pleaded with him to stop yelling. Then I clenched up, and started crying more, and kept my mouth shut. I kept quiet. I didn't fight back. Just sat there and cried while he kept on yelling and pushing me. I'm still traumatized by the whole incident. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I keep asking myself, did I do something wrong? What went wrong? I'm so confused. I don't really know what to think of this situation anymore. I don't understand his behavior. Guys, I'm really trying to understand your perspective on men hitting women. Why do they do that? I just wanted to hear your point of view.

 

I keep asking myself, did I do something wrong? What went wrong? I'm so confused. I don't really know what to think of this situation anymore. I don't understand his behavior. Guys, I'm really trying to understand your perspective on men hitting women. Why do they do that? I just wanted to hear your point of view.

 

Well the first thing you absolutely need to is cut this *you know what* out of your life completely and for good. If you don't things will only get worse for the both of you. He's already hit you once, don't try to fool yourself into thinking that he wont do it again because he will. Of course you did not do something wrong, he is the one who hit you, the one who lost control and acted out in a terrible way. I think one of the reasons men hit women is because they don't understand what is going on with them and thereforeeee get scared. When people get scared they do very irrational things. He should however be able to control his emotions enough to not ever hit someone.

 

But please for the love of God cut him right out of your life, you don't need or deserve to be hit by anyone, for any reason. I wouldn't try to hide what happened from your new guy, he will for sure want to kill your ex but just tell him to stay away from the ex. He should be able to respect what you say and not go and beat the ex to a bloody pulp. Talk to him about it however because your trust in men has been broken now and hopefuly this new guy will be able to rebuild it. Try not to hurt the new guy because of what your ex did, remember the ex hit you not the new guy. I'm sure your new guy will be there to help you every step of the way.

Dear Mahlina,

 

Hannibal is absolutely right, you have to get rid of your ex. It is an absolute disgrace for any man to ever hit a woman. Hitting anybody is an abomination in my culture e.g. teacher to student - but I understand it happens a lot in countries such as Korea.

 

If your ex starts to cause problems, inform your Dad as to what is going on. If he won't do anything, then call the Police. Get rid of your ex and get to know someone who actually loves you.

 

Hope that helps,

Mr. K.

Mahlina,

 

I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

 

To answer your questions, you did NOTHING wrong. There is no excuse for men to use violence against women. NONE. You did nothing to deserve his treatment of you. Some men can only react through violence. They have no self control, no discipline, and more importantly - no RESPECT.

 

Get rid of this guy Mahlina. Forever. This will not stop here. Don't ever speak to or see this guy again. No matter how he tries to sweet talk you into it, or claims he's "changed". Guys like this don't just change. He needs to get anger management treatment. And thats HIS problem - not your responsibility.

 

I realize you may not want to call the police, but I recommend that you do. Otherwise this guy will just do this to others. And he may keep trying to do it to you. I also suggest you get a restraining order immediately to prevent him from coming anywhere near you. You need to protect yourself Mahlina.

 

And I'll say it again, you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way by anybody. Don't even think for a second that you did anything wrong. You just happened to be in the company of a man with no self control and a serious lack of common decency.

 

avman

Thank you Hannibal & Mr.Kawabata,

 

I guess they do so out of scaredness. I guess this whole situation has lot to do with my past. It's haunted me for years. I finally received counseling twice, in regards to abusive relationships. After reading your posts, I finally worked up the courage to get out of bed and eat. I've been depressed about this since Friday. It will take some time for me to pick myself up and move on. I've been so accustomed to this situation since I was a kid. Now it's come back to 'haunt' me. At least, I truly realize now, that this type of relationship is completely sickening. That's why I am glad to live in a country, in which people condemn such acts!

 

I understand what you guys are both saying. I think that the best thing for me for now, is to not 'get involved' in a relationship. I think that for now, I need to be able to pick myself up, and be on my own, face my own challenge. I've done that my whole life, deal with things on my own. But, the new guy's nice. In fact, hanging out with him, was one of the funnest times I've had so far. I'm just upset over the fact that I believed in my ex so much, but he had the nerve to abuse me. I tried my best to be his support system, but all he did was throw it in my face, by reminding me of my nightmare in the past. I can't believe that people can actually hurt others without remorse. I must admit, I am kind of naiive in that sense.

 

I get what you mean Mr. K., about talking to my dad. I wish he was alive. I wish he was there to protect me. I don't konw if he's in heaven, watching over me, but I certainly hope that he will help me to prevent myself from situations like these. I have a step-dad, but don't always feel like telling him everything. I really hope that somewhere inside, he will help me to gain strength and wisdom from all of this. I have a tendecy to bottle things up. I usually don't like to let my friends and family know what I went through. I don't like for them to see me as someone being 'weak.' That's why, the best solution for me is to heal myself on my own.

 

Thanks guys, for your reply. Your words truly did go a long way. Sticks and stones may break someone's bones, but words do truly hurt others! I hope that my ex doesn't do that to whoever else he chooses to date. No one deserves to be talked to, or abused that way.

 

I'm glad that sites like enotalone is around. You guys are of true help! I'm trying to get counseling on this issue. Although I am depressed about this situation, I will not resort to using anti-depression pills, because I'm kinda scared about the recent news about them. I can't believe it. After venting and letting this all out, I am actually starting to feel a little 'stronger' again. Thanks guys. I guess I should really stop suppressing my emotions! Thanks for listening. Mahlina

Hi Avman,

 

I didn't catch your response, while I posted. Thank you for your support. I guess I should put a restraining order. I haven't dealt with a relationship like this before. He has gone way out of hand. I just can't believe the fact that he can do this! He brought back so much 'flashbacks.' Now, I'm terrified.

 

But, you are right. Perhaps a restraining order is the 'best thing' to do for now. I will try ot research into this, because this was not his first time. He does not deserve to continue doing what he does, abusing women, verbally and physically.

 

Once again, thank you to all of you for your support. I feel a little better now. I'm glad that we have places like enotalone to turn to. You guys are great. Thanks. Mahlina

mahlina!!!! omg girl im so shocked u went thru this?!??!?! girl call the f***ing cops!!!!!!!! we spoke before but i had no idea youre going thru stuff like this?!?!?!?! did u tell anyone???? please talk to someone who can help you!!! tell the police sweetheart you have to!!! do it for yourself & prevent this sick F*** from hurting another girl!!!!! get a retraining order!!! hun u did nothing wrong dont ever ever ever see him again EVER!!!! YOU HEAR ME!!!!! YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE!! crazy psychodic exs like him have potential to kill!!! i dont mean to scare you but in a way i do!! please save yourself & other girls who may come in contact with him. please speak up!!!!

 

-DG724

Hi Dragongirl,

 

Thanks for your advice. I wish I would've known before ever meeting him. You are right, in the fact that he does have capabilities to kill someone. It scared the death out of me, hearing him talk to me the way that he did. As I lay there crying and bleeding, he even had the nerve to say, "I'll dump your body somewhere! I don't give an f!" I couldn't believe what he said. I was so scared. All I wanted was for him to calm down.

 

I just got off the phone with a domestic abuse hotline. I'm trying to see if I can file for a restraining order, since the neighbors around my neighborhood did hear him yelling. I suspected that they did, since they suddenly turned on their lights 3 times, while he made a scene in the car. I also have evidence of blood on my clothes, jacket, and purse. I don't know how 'restraining' orders work. But after giving it a shot, through phoning some agencies, at least I found some sort of 'peace' in my heart. The whole situation ate me up like crazy. I can't believe it. He's so frightening. And, in person, I don't think that one can ever imagine him being that sick. He's usually quite the charmer.

 

I guess the profile of abusers are really hard to spot. Perhaps, he fits the profile of a narcissist. People like him are scary. I bet you anything, if I would've died that night, he would've really stuck with his words, and dumped my body somewhere. I'm glad that I didn't bleed to death. I really thought I was going to. It was crazy. My bleeding didn't stop. And worst of all, he didn't do anything about it, but scream and threaten me. I think that in itself, was the most disturbing part. The fact that he didn't aknowledge his own brutality. I don't know how he can live with himself, day in and day out.

 

I feel so ashamed to tell my friends. Besides, I already vowed to them that I will never speak to him again. I will eventually, just to let them learn from my experience. I didn't realize it, but filing for that restraining order will probably be one of the best things for me to fight back in my life. I didn't speak up for myself enough, when I was with him. Filing a restraining order on him, will be like catching a rampit dog with rabies, and putting it into the dog pound, where it belongs. Now I feel like I have the courage to fight back. Instaed of resorting back to falling into my confusions. Thanks again. Mahlina

Restraining orders are filed with the court. When you file, a temporary restraining order is issued against him and served on him. It prevents him from coming within a certain distance of you (usually 100-300 feet). If he breaks that order, you can call police and have him arrested even if he doesn't lay a hand on you.

 

The court will then schedule a hearing to decide whether to make the order effective for a longer period. At that point you'll bring police reports, witnesses, photos, etc to prove your allegations.

 

definitely stick close to the domestic abuse hotline folks. They will know all the procedures you have to follow in your location.

 

We're all behind you Mahlina.

 

avman

Thanks Avman,

 

I will try my best to file the restraining order. I'm hoping that I can gather enough evidence. I don't know how all of this process will work, but I will call up the local agencies again, and make sure that he's taken care of properly.

 

I've never had to deal with anything serious like this, but will take initiative, so that he doesn't take the last straw out of me. He's already done enough damage. I think that it's about time that he pays for it.

 

Thanks again for your support. I didn't know that talking things out can do so much for me. Now, I finally feel like I have the capacity to actually get out of my bed, out of my room, and back on my feet again. I realize that healing will be a slow process, and thanks to you guys, I finally have some strength to regain myself again. Thank you. Mahlina

LIINAA!>

It hurts to know someone with such a beautiful mind has been made live through exactly what she was trying to avoid! I dont pity you though, i pity your ex, he must be a truly alone and disturbed person to have done what he did. Abusing a person the way that he did stems from weakness, there is no doubt in my mind that it is true. People love the advice you give them here and more then anyone else i have ever met your words have been sincere. I dont know exactly what strings of fate led you to an encounter that was a shadow of an unhappy part of your past but please dont let it destroy your faith in men or humanity, because if it does then the maximum amount of damage will have been dealt. You have alot to offer people and dont you forget it, you have to see what this event has done to you, and rise above it, i believe in you because you have a strong will to help others and you should use it to help yourself.

-Fisch

Thanks Fisch!

i pity your ex, he must be a truly alone and disturbed person to have done what he did. Abusing a person the way that he did stems from weakness, there is no doubt in my mind that it is true.

I agree. I hope that he gets some help to control his anger. It is quite unhealthy to act out that way. You are right. I forgive him, because it takes a person with a lot of issues to do so, but I won't ever forget. This time, I learned for sure!

 

You are truly wise for your age Fisch. Thanks for your insightful advice. You are always such a 'wise-thinker'. Thanks for cheering me up. Mahlina

Most abusers are that way because it's a learned

Trait. They learn it from their parent, or grandparent. In other times they are that way due to drugs or alchohol.

I dont understand why these supposed men abuse women. I understand, that yelling and similar stuff, but to lift a hand to strike a women. It sickens me that these bastards are allowed in our society. I've told all my female friends that if they are ever abused to let me know, that I'd take care of it, (physically force mostly likely) We need to fight fire with fire. If I was in a relationship, I would worship my partner, not harm them. Thats my two cents.

 

-T_C

I was in a relationship where i lost control because I was drunk. The worst thing my ex girlfriend did was not punish me for it. It's not her fault but It didn't get sorted there and then. I realise now I have a problem and issues with myself and not her. I'm trying to sort it out by myself, for myself now. Don't fool yourself into thinking a nice 'closure' is what you need. You need to focus on yourself in my opinion and get this guy to get some help if your going to do anything at all about him. It not your responsibility to get him to get help. I'm only saying that from experience.

There is no excuse for what he did. If he's like me then he won't understand or be able to explain it. Don't try to think it's you cos my ex did and that gave me a perfect excuse to forgive myself before I'd tackled the issue. I have issues that havenothing to do with my ex that bubbled up when I'd drunk to much - sadly she was in the way. It wasn't her fault and I'm only guessing but It may be the case with yr ex. (wether or not he was drunk)

I really hope the bloke you met is a nice man - they do exist! Get out of there and hope he has someone who'll show him the way to help.

Good Luck.

Hey Thanks Writer68, Italian Stallion, and Bones,

 

Writer68, I think that you are right in a sense that he did use drugs before. I think that he denied it, when I asked him if he still did. But, at times, he'd act out, and get in his 'moods.' It was as if he was normal one second, and then rabid the next. I just couldn't understand how he got off so angry/agitated at times. So, I think that you're right. Come to think about it, his moods were somewhat abnormal/unexplainable at times.

 

Italian Stallion, that's really respectable for you to love your partner(s) that way, to love them enough, wher eyou don't physically hurt them. I think that physical abuse goes hand in hand with verbal, and also mental/emotional. He did have an 'anger' problem. He'd always get into these rages, especially on the road.

 

Bones, I'm glad that you realize things for yourself. You're a true example of how people can change, only if they take the initiative too. It takes a 'real' man to admit to his flaws/failures. I don't look forward to 'helping him' or 'changing' him. I'm not his mom. I don't need to waste my time on him. That's why, I think that Fisch also made a great point. I won't completely judge him. Although all of the pain that I felt from him, really tore me up inside, I don't completely hate him, okay maybe I do, only to a certain degree, but I will find it in my heart to forgive him someday, when I'm fully healed. It's been tough to try to pick myself up again, but I'm slowly 'recovering.' I hope that he will too. He's got a lot of personal issues. His father left him at an early age too. In his case, it was different from mine. I can't blame him for feeling 'neglect' from his dad. I can only hope that he will change for the better, and find improvement in his life.

 

Afterall, everyone deserves to be happy. Hopefully, in the future, he will resolve his problems, whatever it may be: drugs, repressed emotions...have his family/kids yada yada. And hopefully by then, I'm strong enough, so that when/if we do ever run into each other, I can look at him in the eye, and forgive him. Whatever it is, we have separate lives now. I'll take care of mine, and he can take care of his, if he decides too.