My mother is a nut, but now in an abusive relationship too.

First of all, I don't live with my mother. I've been out on my own for a LONG time. My mother has never been "sane". She and I haven't bonded over anything since I was 10 (seriously). Due to manic depression, a sort of weird jealousy toward me, a ridiculous need for a man to cling to, and being manipulative I don't go out of my way to talk to her much (if ever). This much I'm over. She is what she is, and I don't need her version of drama in my life.

However, the annoying fact is that she is still my mother. Due to the "ridiculous need for a man to cling to", her current male freak beats her. Now, over the years I've learned a thing or two about battered women syndrome. The biggest is that these women WILL NOT leave their situation. If you drag them kicking and screaming from it, they resent you for intervening, and go back for more. So, I don't want to see my mom subject herself to this, but there isn't much I can do about it. It's her choice.

So, here's the question for the panel of experts:

What on earth causes women to seek out men to cling to, and for goodness sakes WHY do they feel they need to subject themselves to it?

I'm not sure what insight or advice could be offered regarding the mother/daughter aspect anyone could offer. If anyone wants to take a stab at that too, that's fine. Really, I'm more curious about anyone's personal experiences with battered woman situations. This one just happens to be about my mom.

Quite often, the person being abused in a bad relationship seems to think it is happening because it is there fault. The thing it will get better if then can just do this better, or just act that way instead of this way ... Perhaps you know what I mean.

It can be so tough to break out of that routine. It lowers one's self worth. They feel it's them that's the issue. When self worth is low, it feels like everything is your own fault. Walking out and leaving this person with such anger feels like completely the wrong thing to do. She perhaps feels if nothing else, she is in some way helping this abusive person by being there even though she feels it's her fault she's getting abused. It just spirals downhill.

What your mum sounds like she needs is somebody to talk to her and tell her that it's okay. That it is okay for her to feel that she needs to get out of this situation. That it is okay for her to feel baldy about leaving this guy but it will get better in the long run. In short, she needs somebody to genuinely care about her and help her admit that she needs to change this. Once somebody talks to her and she realizes in her own mind it needs to change, then the rest will happen.

(Sorry I'm writing so clumsily here).

It really does sound like a time when your mum needs a compassionate ear. Perhaps you could be that way? She is your family. Can you forgive her for how she is? You don't need to forget, just to forgive. There's really nobody else in her life. Forgive her for past actions. Forgive her the need for a man to cling to. Accept her for how she is, and don't try to changes her, but do try to change the guy. She must be very lonely, some people are like that. You don't have to change her, or even understand her, just accept that she is different than you. That's the first step to make. Listen to what she has to say, and then try to lead her gently in the direction of realizing it (anything!) is not her fault. It will be better when she gets a bit stronger and realizes things aren't her doing. There is a better life for her.

Again, sorry for the clumsiness.

I appreciate your responses. She is tough for me to deal with. However I have tried to gently remind her that she can make these decisions. The tough part is that she is very manipulative, so if I open the door in one area, she will try to take an inch in all areas. It's more difficult for me to only let her in some of the way and keep her at bay, than to just keep her out. (If that makes sense) She just drains me.

Anyhow, I do appreciate your response.

I know. It's often in reality the ones we are closest to that cause us the most hardship.

If she's manipulative, is there any way you can get her to be somewhat like that with her abusive friend? That might send him packing. I'm not sure.

I do understand what you say about letting your mum in a bit, but not all the way. But it's for her sake, and in the long run, you will benefit too. If you possibly can, set yourself up to expect a bit of hurt and a bit of struggle, and see if you can just work on getting rid of this guy, even at a small personal emotional cost to you. Again, it's worth it. Anything you take out of your emotional 'bank' now to help your mum will be returned two-fold later down the line I would hope.

Try not to take how she is right now quite as much to heart as normal. It's quite likely she's dumping stuff on you because no way can she dump anything on him. Once he's gone, possibly replaced by a nice guy who can help your mum with things, she'll soften up on you and be far nicer.

I know these are all just words. I hope in some small way they help though.