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giving up my six year old son for adoption.....


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I have 2 children. A 6 yr old boy who i cared for most of his life or at least tried to. And a 16 month old whomhas been with his father since birth. I am 22 years old.

Looking back now i realize the consequences my actions had. At the time i did not. I know i cannot provide a stable secure environment for my 6 yr old son. His father was hardly ever in the picture - only when it was convienent for him. I want to give him up to a family member in florida. I know they will be able to provide him with a financial, emotional and stable secure environment. This is for his future best interest.

He has never met these family memebers before but im sure he will be better off there then with his father. Who now has come into the picture but only slightly. Jeremy is living at his grandmothers with his aunt and 3 cousins - on the fathers side. They smoke and drink and his father has a drug problem and no secure job. He hasnt amounted to much in his 25 years. Now they want to keep jeremy - he isnt stable there either.

Im so torn. Jeremy will still have contact with us and maybe even come up for the summer. But i know he needs to be there. Im sure he will adjust eventually over time. They can give him hugs and kisses and the love and stuff he wont have the oppertunity for here.

Am i wrong? Am i selfish? This is sucha hard desicion and it kind of leaves me empty feeling but i feel as though its right. I wasnt ready to have a child and i tried for 6 years but am ready to accepot the fact that not only cant i but in a way - i dont want to.

I just want some opinions on my actions and thoughts. Is this really terrible of me?

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Hello deviousj420,

 

This must be an incredibly hard decision for you. Are you sure you want this to be a permanent change for your son? Or is it that you are just having some temporary problems right now? If thats the case, do you think your family would be able to care for your son for 6-12 months or so until things can get turned around for you? Giving him up for adoption is permanent. And I hate to see you torn by a permanent decision to what might be a temporary problem. Please forgive me as I don't know the whole story about why you feel you cannot provide for your son. But I just wanted to offer you another alternative.

 

I do not think its selfish at all to want the best for your child. More parents should be like you and put the childs needs ahead of their own. Its not a terrible thing. Just make sure its really the right move for you, and for your son. Because once you do it, there is no turning back.

 

avman

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Hi, hun...do what is best for your child. Please really think about it long and hard before you do it. I agree with the other comment. Does he know about the possible arrangement? If so, how does he feel about it?

 

I have a 6 year old and he knows when something is up, he is able to make a decision, that is whom he would rather live with. Gratefully in my case he is with me and not his father.

 

But you are his mother and you have the last choice in what you think is best for your child. Good luck!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi, After reading this I want to just say do what right for you and your son but I have to confess keeping him in the family just to keep him in the family doesn't sound like the best place to consider. No doubt you feel at least he will be with family but that family situation doesn't sound the greatest to me and deep down probably to you too. Is it really better than living with his mom? I suspect you hope to be able to see him in the future right? Is your son going to be able to handle being relocated permanently now and in the future? Have you even talked to him about this?

All I advise is caution because adoption is permanent. Think before you act.

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I know it's hard. My sister had a child at 15 and adoption was looked at. She chose to not to and instead has been raising him with the help of my parents. What you really need to do is look at the entire picture. Are you wanting to give him up merely because you don't feel you can support him financially? Is it partly because having him meant you had to give up certain aspects of being young and you want to experience them? He is your child and wanting the best for him is NOT selfish.

 

Just take some time with this before making your decision. You might even want to look at maybe getting some things from uncle sam for being a single mother. Either way it won't be easy. Just make sure what you do is what's best for him and you. You will want to see him if you're apart. Just don't make a decision based on what you missed.

 

My sister is now 18. Not too many friends doesn't do much except take care of her son. But she is happy for having him in her life even though she never got to go out partying or stay out all night with her friends. But they understand and most importantly both her and her son are happy. Living proof that sometimes getting help is better than giving up.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am 22, and at 7years old I was left to live at my grandma's by my mum, who at the time was about 23. I wont go in to all the details, but I want to tell you that I have never forgiven my mum. It didn't affect me greatly when I was younger, but as I have got older I have started to have some emotional difficulties that stem back to my mum leaving. I have always found it hard to form relationships/friendships with people, and worry that I will be left on my own. I am now married with children of my own. I still constantly do things to 'test' my husbands commitment to me, even though we are now married, I just can't help it. He understands though, as he knows all about what happened when I was younger. I would strongly advise you against ging your son up for adoption. The best place for him is with his mum, who he loves, and feels safe with. Ok, you may not feel that you are doing the best for your son now, but I really do think that you will regret givng him up if you do. Please think long and hard before doing anything.

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of course not hunny if ur not finacally stable then u sorta have to i mean he needs a good plave and if u dont feel like u could provid that then u have to i hope u feel better about ur descion cause i kno i would feel just like u but think about it if they have him for a year and then u save alot of money he can stay with u!!

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I think that is a very mature and also unselfish thing to do. Please do know that it is not reversible without detriment to your child once he is formally adopted. Why not do a TRIAL period for him, you and the family? Also, What does concern me is that he has not met them. If you are looking for the BEST for your son you can also look outside of family with the understanding of an OPEN adoption maybe somewhere nearby you if your conern is being able to visit him?

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This is ridiculous. He is your child. Aren't you inspired to do better by him?

 

Why cant you take care of him? Show him strength and courage. Fight through your tough times. Step out of the shadow of hell and move forward. My goodness, a child needs to see this from the people HE LOVES!!!!

 

Feeling sorry for yourself and blaming his worthless dad for everything makes matters worst. Look at what you are doing. You don't have to be rich to be happy. Stop thinking its the end of the world. FIGHT, SCRATCH,CLAW your way out of what ever crap hole your in and build some character for you and your son.

 

Forget your miserable past and live for your children.. Giving up is SELFISH. Its your child for Christ sakes.

 

 

 

Jester

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I agree that children are almost always happiest with their parents. What are the actual reasons that you are unable to properly take care of your son? Do you have a job? A place to stay? Food on the table? It really doesn't take much to make a kid happy, it usually just takes some creativity.

 

I know life seems hard right now, but you really should be asking for ideas on how to better your circumstances, rather than seeking permission from strangers to give up your child. If you give some more info, I'm sure we can help you figure out the best solution.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Im 22 - i want to go to college - i want to buy a house - i want to do things on my own and i sont want to be held back and worry about school and babysitters and so forth - when i was 16 and pregnant and b4 i even got pregant noone told me this was all going to happen - i wish i had better guidance - but i didnt and now im realizing that this isnt something i was prepared for - let alone want to deal with right now. I love himto death and wish this wasnt happening but its aloton my physically mentally and emtionally. He is living with his father right now and even on the weekends sometimes im tied up in my own life to see him. Though i do make effort to see him. I know his father isnt the best but if hes happy...... i dont know. But i wasnt ever ready to have this child and i wish i knew then what i know now. Its hard. Too hard. And yes ill admit. i am weak. i guess im just looking for others opinions. i dont know. but i do feel bad for my child as my mother left me when i was 4 - but i delt - not so good - but i delt -

i dont know.......

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Im 22 - i want to go to college - i want to buy a house - i want to do things on my own and i sont want to be held back and worry about school and babysitters and so forth

 

Now these are all good goals to have, but I'm afraid you are justifying your decision to give up your own child because "I want to be carefree and not have to be responsible". Thats completely unfair to your child. I'm sorry that having a child cramps your style, but thats the way it goes. Your child is 6 years old, not 6 weeks old. Abandoning him now would be absolutely devastating to him and it would last him a lifetime.

 

sometimes im tied up in my own life to see him.

 

Well this I'm afraid isn't a good excuse. To say you are simply "too busy" to see your own child is pretty darn selfish.

 

Now I won't dispute that having a child is hard work. But its a role you accepted by having sex and having your child. You have to adapt your lifestyle to the needs of your child. Thats what it means to be a parent. And you ARE one - you've already made that choice.

 

Sorry, but I can't be supportive of giving up a 6 year old child because he's too inconvenient.

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i think that you are thinking about your child. and that is the best thing a mother can do. the best mother would give the child to someone if you know that it is the best for your son. Just think about what your doing for your son, u will probably be giving him a future! and as you say u can see him now and then anyway. so its not like ur losing him, its like your giving him something that he may not have if he did stay with you etc. and of course he will always know that you love him.

Its best for him, and as you say he'll adjust over time.

PEACE

spaggle

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if you dnt think u can manage the responsibility of looking after your child and when hes with u u can only think of urself then it is best to give him to someone who will care enough about him to love him, and put him before their own lives

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  • 4 weeks later...

What!!??

You are a selfish little T**T. Take some responsibility in your life. You are not 15 anymore, and never will be, He's 6 years old already, and you just want to get him out the way to - be honest party, drink and do drugs, that's what 22 year olds who have babies when they are 15 do. You don't know any better. Don't try to fool me by saying you want what is best for your child. If you did, you would not even be posting here, but be busy playing with him, and supporting him. Sheezzz. You are only trying to validate your bad behaviour here. I will have none of that!

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You can still go back to school and buy a house and have a child. I'm back in school and I have a toddler. Being a parent is not easy, I know that. Being a parent means you make decisions and have to make certain sacrifices that are in the child's best interest.

 

I think you are having a rough time right now. That's okay. We all go through difficult things in life. In time, things have a way of turning around. It just doesn't happen, you have to make it happen.

 

I think that you need to seek some counselling. If you are overwhellmed then seek help. Your problems are not permanent. You have the ability to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do better. Your child didn't ask to be put here. You owe it to him to try harder. Giving him up for adoption should be your last resort.

 

I had to give up one of my own children(didn't want to - long story). It was the worst choice that I have ever made. That was 6 years ago and it hurts me now. You may think that this is the only answer for you right now. Giving up your child for adoption is a permanent one. That's an action you can't take back. I miss my other child terribly. There will always be something missing in my life.

 

So far, I haven't heard you say anything that would compel me to agree with giving your son up. If you go ahead with this, you will most likely regret it when you are in a better place in your life and you have matured some. Then it will be too late.

 

I also agree with the other posts. Leaving your son will hurt him greatly and affect him for the rest of his life.

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  • 2 months later...

You say in one of your last posts that your own mother gave you up at 4 but you "dealt" - you survived, but at what cost? And now you are contemplating repeating the whole sad cycle again. I do believe you want to do what's best for your child, but I seriously question your reasons for why you are considering giving your own child up. Does giving your own child up somehow make the facts of your own life, and abandonment, easier for you to take, now that you are in the power position as an adult and not a powerless four year old? I don't say these things to be harsh, but you need to wake up and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what you have been dealt - the things you had no control over - and also for the life that you created for yourself, that which you did have control over. You cannot go back to being 15 again! That being said, I know many people who put themselves through law school while taking care of toddlers, started new relationships, whatever - it's hard BUT IT CAN BE DONE. If you need help temporarily, then let your son stay with that relative for a predetermined period of time while you play or party or even better make a plan of action for life about school, finding a babysitter, a good school, a support system for your family. And get into counseling to work out some of your issues about being abandoned yourself. Your little boy will not be six forever, and you will be able to do a lot of things when he's older. But I believe you must stop the cycle of abandonment that started with you, because I believe the fact that your own mother abandoned you has wounded you deeply. Can you really do it to your own child? I don't think so.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It is very possible to achieve all of your goals and be a single parent.

Of course it is going to be harder, but it is all up to you. Now, I know you think this is in the best interest of the child, but he has been with you for six years, you are his mother and if he's like most six year old boys he loves you unconditionally. At six years old children do not understand the concept of "I will have a better life here". I think it would feel more like abandonment. It really does sound like you are going through a selfish phase, and to give up your little boy will really end up hurting you in the end. Your number one interest should be that little boy, and making a better life for him with you in it. There are a lot of resources out there for single parents, including child care. Most colleges have on site child care for a low cost/no cost. Please look at all your options before you make such a drastic decision…

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