Step-family problems

Well......I came here this morning in complete desperation. Thought I'd read some posts and get some answers. It seems that there are a few of us out there with very similar problems regarding step-children, ex-wives and trying to build our 'own lives' based around all this. This is all very new to me and I dont mind admitting that the whole situation is stirring up some very bad feelings in me that I never knew existed before.

My chap and I started living together at christmas 2003....the very next day (we had 12 hours of living together as a family unit with my two boys) his ex-wife dumps his two children on him and me and goes on holiday with her new boyfriend!!!!! OK it was stressful, but we muddled along....I felt very left out, hurt and resentful of all the attention he lavished on them (aged 6 & 15) in what should have been 'our time'...I also made it very clear that this was totally unacceptable of her to do that and for him to so easily let her do that. This is mine and my two boys home and she had no right to abuse that. We did this for a week, new years eve (also my chaps birthday) they went home and it was time for us......or so I thought! Phone call from her boyfriend at 8pm....can we get the kids as she has gone to hospital. She was blind drunk and fell over!!!! So we have the kids again, plus another small girl that was staying over for the night with my chaps daughter. Well.we had a huge bust up. I told him that he should have said 'NO'...should have put us first and that if she was stupid enough to get drunk, be irresponsible etc etc then she could deal with it....incidentally, her boyfriend lives with her and kids and could have looked after them. My chap seems to think that the kids are the 'be all and end all' of everything. He is constantly on the phone, seeing them, dishing out money, sorting ex-wifes problems out etc etc and ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!! Yes i feel jealous, yes I feel resentful, and yes its affecting our relationship and mine with his children. I dont want to go out with them anymore, I think they are spoilt, bad mannered and the eldest lad is out of control. Surely us 'second time arounders' are entitled to special time, surely its not going to be like this for ever and ever. They live three minutes down the road and it feels far too close. I want my chap to want to spend time with me, I want to build on our relationship..but it feels like he is still in the old one! I know he is a package deal...just like I am (my two are older and off to uni and college, good lads and motivated, work hard, polite and respectful...who have also said that they dont like his two being around because of their behaviour). What is normal in a situation like this, what is reasonable...I want to be able to sit him down and discuss all this, how I'm feeling and what can be done to make it better...but having never done this before..what is normal for a divorced dad to take on? Should he be available 24 hours a day to see to her and their demands? Is it unreasonable to switch his phone of a couple of evenings a week or for us to have some time together at weekends?..........HELP

the thing is that if it is difficult for you then justn think what he is thinking. he isbeing oulled in 3 different directions by you and your kids, thenby his wife and then by his kids. that has to be hard on the poor man. the thing is that if you thinkthat this is ard fo you then think about what your man thinks, he is being pulled in 2 different directions. from you and your kids and then also his wife and his kids. so feel a bit of sympathy for the poor man. i know that i do.

can you not talk to him about this in a way that will not result in an argument?

i think that you also need to sit down and talk to the exwife or whatever she is and lay own some groundrules like she can just dump the kids on you at the last moment.

does that help you at all??

Catie xxx

p.s my parents got divorced so im speaking the kids feel.

Well you're going to have to be a bit more understanding of his situation. He loves his children. And like you said he is a 'package deal'. So to be SO resentful that he loves his kids, lavishes attention on them, is deeply concerning.

You seem to be talking like the family unit consists of you, him, and YOUR children - but that HIS children are outsiders and not particularly welcome. I think you really need to rethink your family unit concept. The family unit you are now in includes his children too. And if thats not acceptable to you, then its time to end the relationship. Its not fair at all to force him to choose between you and his children.

You also stated that this is 'your' home. Well no, he's living with you now. He's not just a guest, right? Its his home too. Maybe not as far as legal ownership - but as far as the place he hangs his hat it is.

The deal with her heading to the hospital I think you overreacted. Yes, she did a stupid and irresponsible thing. But your boyfriend needed to care for his kids. He couldn't possibly let them remain with her and her boyfriend with her incapacitated like that. It would have been dangerous for them. He did the right thing in this case and you really have to be more understanding of something like that. Does he have to solve her problems - no. But if she is acting stupidly and it affects the kids - he MUST intervene. He is their father and he is responsible for their health and well being.

I think you should think about your expectations for this relationship and discuss them with your boyfriend. Realize that he just might not agree to your terms though and that it might be time to move on.

I hope things work out. Do some serious thinking about what you really want and need from this man. And then let him know your thoughts.

avman