Jump to content

24 and never had a girlfriend


dave_d4

Recommended Posts

Hi,

 

I would be grateful if anyone could give me some advice.

 

I am 24 and extremely shy and as a result I find social situations difficult. As a result I have very few friends and have never had a gf. This is starting to really get me down, as im sure everyone in the world has managed to sort out their lives at this stage.

 

It was only a few months ago that I realised that the reason no girls were interested was not because i was too ugly ( i sincerly believed this), but because I find it impossible to talk to girls.

 

I can make a stab at conversing with a girl i am not attracted to, but as soon as I talk to some one who I like or I assume likes me, I go to pieces. I know this is a kinda cliche - "the first awkward moments" but this is so bad that it totally puts the girl off for good - like in the recent past I have arranged to meet a girl who I knew liked me, but i stood her up because I was so nervous, and another girl who wanted to meet me she asked me a question and i just kinda froze and said something really stupid!, and she just laughed and went back to her friends. ( note that no girl who has every met me is interested - these were just internet/setups by friends)

 

So what am i meant to do? Ive read this stuff that confidence is everything, but where do u get it from if everytime you attempt to break free it only results in lowering it, and makes things worse.

 

If u notice its now 4am and I just cant sleep thinkin about all this stuff. I know that time is ticking on - its not that i wanna get married or anythin just yet - but what keeps me awake is the fact that I may have met "the one", or may meet "the one" in the future, and will screw it up due to my total lack of selfconfidence. At the moment if i met the most beautiful, down to earth girl, who was perfectly matched to me in every area I would still not be able to do anything about it, even if she really wanted to get to know me.

 

Thanks for reading all this stuff!

Link to comment
  • Replies 266
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Dave_d4, you sound like a really nice guy. Don't feel bad that you haven't had a girlfriend yet - you're not alone. I think you're actually wrong when you say "i'm sure everyone else has managed to sort out their lives by this stage". Take a look around this forum - you'll find posts from people of all ages who have emotional worries or issues, and especially to do with romance! If I had a dollar for every guy your age who's told me they wish they could find a nice girl to have a relationship with, I'd be a rich woman.

 

You say you're not ugly, but you lack confidence. This is good news!! Why? Because you can *work on* your confidence! There are some people out there who are really physically unattractive, and there's not much they can do about it, right? But trust me, you can build confidence.

 

Think about something you're good at - a sport or hobby, etc. Perhaps you should consider joining a class or club where you can focus on doing things you're good at, while meeting other people. It might make you nervous at first, but at least you can all talk about your hobby together, and people will see that you have some real passion and talent. Just one suggestion!

Link to comment

Dave man .. do not worry.. remember that this only happens to the best of us .. I am 20 and never had a g/f... not because I couldn't.. but because I don't look for people as sex objects or my play tool. or some one so that I can show off to my friend, I look for someone who can take care of me and treat me the way I treat them. someone who can love me back the way I'd love them. I think thatyou are also in the same boat as mine. it's not the fact that you don't want it. you re looking for that some one special and that's gonna take time.. don't give up man... hope I have helped

Link to comment

I have the same problem, except I'm 27 now.

 

I'm not at all confident, I'm not at all attractive. I never had a girlfriend, or any kind of interfaction or relationship with anyone.

I'm not looking for the perfect girl, or anything like that; I would just like to meet someone. Even if it didn't work out because at least I would know that I _could_ meet another human being.

 

Everything I've tried to build confidence, or not feel awkward in social situations fails and takes that much more away from me. Now I'm at a point where I literally have nothing left. I know exactly what you are talking about.

 

I've read all the adivce about confidence, etc. Or working yourself. Well I excercise, I have a good education, I have a good job. But you know what? None of that makes me happy. Everytime I see other people so easily meeting other people, or see a couple walking around its just a reminder that something is wrong with me.

 

At least you have some kind of look going for you. If you aren't good looking, then you are basically done.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hey... I want to let you know I feel the same way as you, but I'm a girl. My life is definitely not sorted out at this time, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one- but actually, most of my girlfriends are in the same boat. We are smart enough, attractive enough, caring enough women who wouldn't mind having guys in our lives but we somehow never learned the art of how that is done, for some reason! (I actually had my first and only boyfriend when I was 22, but that wasn't ever exactly a normal relationship and I still don't know what one is like.) I have always been really shy with guys, and I become especially unable to talk to them when I am attracted to them. And I feel like guys don't notice me, either... and I'm too shy to approach them, (or too old fashioned maybe?.... Nah, just too shy) anyway, I wanted to let you know that other people feel the same way... I wish it wasn't so hard!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I am only 16, but I was shy too until I took some of my OWN advice. It may sound really hard, but go up to a girl, any girl, and just say Hi, or even better when you're passing her in the hallway. Even if you aren't attracted to the girl, just tell her hello. It is hard the first time, you get really nervous, but you will see that it is quite easy to say it afterwards.

Link to comment

I am 21 and never had a girlfriend and never been kissed. I hate it. I hate it to the point that it's ruining my life.

 

Ahh let me begin, I've always been overweight until December of 2000--Senior year of HS--when this girl I knew at school started emailing me... just out of the blue! We wrote to each other and talked to each other, nearly everyday. And we decided to both start exercising (she really didn't need to lose any weight, she looked beautiful to me). About the end of December, I wanted to tell her that I liked her. Me being the idiot and all, I decided to encode "I like you," in the subject line of the email by making each letter of "I like you" as the beginning letter of a word to form it's own sentence. Example: I Lived In Kites Every Year Over Utah... or something retarded like that. Soon she picked up on it and replied when one of her own... it was long so I'll go ahead and decode it, "I'm afraid of commitment." Me being ignorant and all, I assumed she didn't like me so I stopped emailing her. That was that... or so I thought. We were both on the academic team and we got to go to state together with the team. We starting hanging out around each other again and I really did enjoy it. After state, she started emailing me again--but by this time, she got a boyfriend. An ugly, little, troll-like boy who smoked (something she told me she disliked). So I picked up the pace on my weight loss... I wanted to be more attractive for her... I wasn't concerened about losing the weight to be healthy, to reduce the risk of diabetes (which my grandmother and mother have), or anything. BUT as long as she was with him, I was all torn up inside. So finally, I talked to her about it. I asked her why she was with him and that she was "afraid of commitment." Her responce was, "I asked [my boyfried] that and he said he was okay with it." WTF? If I only had said that, "I'm okay with it," 3 months earlier things may have been different. By that time, however, I was losing the weight... it was falling off of me. I put all that behind me and somehow managed to lose weight. I was 290 at the start and I droped down to 243 by the time college started and I thought that I could do anything and easily get a girl.

 

Ahh college... what a waste so far. My first semester was my best... I had a 2.0 GPA!!! WOW.... wait... no... no wow. I'm barely staying afloat, I was kicked out of the College of Engineering and major was changed to "undeclared." I have failed at least one class there after per semester. I don't care anymore. I'm so alone and that gets me extremely depressed and I don't want to do anything. Ever hear of the Freshman 15... well I got it... and I kept getting it until I'm the heaviest I've ever been 320lbs! Quite remarable seeing as I should weigh around 220. I'm so fat that it's getting harder for me to move around and I sweat doing simple everyday things. Food is my only friend... my human "friends" are either pompus a-holes who belittle me all the time or people who think I'm the "funny guy" but they never do anything with me. At first I thought it was because I was unreachable... so I got a mobile phone... nope that's not it. It only rings when mom wants to tell me to do something or someone wants me to fix their damn computer or something of that nature. I only have two real close friends who do care about me, but one has a girl and spends time with her and the other is so preoccupied with school that I never see him often.

 

I was put on anti-depressants but it felt weird... Instead of having the ability to feel happy, indifferent, or sad (to generalize), I only had happy and indifferent. Indifferent being the lowest I could go. So I stopped--it felt wrong in someway to take them.

 

Today, at this moment, I really don't feel like continuing. Don't worry, I don't plan to do anything about it for I am a Christian and killing myself would earn me a spot in the non-consuming fires of Hell. So either God kills me or I live.

 

I hate myself and I hate the world, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Link to comment

Thanks for sharing your experiences. The best advice I could give is to learn how to be happy with yourself first. If you're not happy with yourself, you won't be happy being with someone. This could also take a toll on the relationship if you go in with a sense of unworthy and unhappiness. There are always negatives and positives we all carry with us, what you need to do is focus on the positives and work to improve any negative aspects in your life.

 

The best way of meeting people is to be yourself in all situations. You want that other person to enjoy your company and like you for who you are, not the mask you play. Having said that, its time to make yourself feel good about things, join a recreational team, take up a new hobbie, start hanging out with people from all aspects of your life (i.e school, work, church).

 

It also doesn't have to be strictly the opposite sex when meeting new people. Remember, they will most likely have friends as well and the network of friends grows and thus your chances of meeting that special someone.

 

Good luck and keep us updated on your progress.

Link to comment

Try joining different clubs or social groups, that will help you meet people and potential girls with a common interest. At the very least, you'll meet new people and build your social network.

 

Hi

 

I am 19, in my first year of Uni and have also never had a girlfriend but I really want one.

Link to comment

A few points to make of my situation:

 

1)

I am 24 and have never had a proper girlfriend in my life. Looks-wise I think I am not bad. Throughout school, many girls have liked me, but I never realized it at the time-- it's something I've only realized after thinking about it, years later. Nowadays, I've been working on paying more attention to subtle cues from girls, to have an idea what they think of me. I do manage to talk to girls that I find attractive (while being nervous of course), and sometimes I think I get the right signals from them, but I don't know how to "take it any further". I get stuck giving the appearance that I am only a "neutral" acquiantance/friend without any special intentions.

 

Of course, to have a girlfriend, she must be your friend first, which leads to my next problem:

 

2) On the whole, I find it very difficult to make any real friends. I meet many people, sure, but I never seem to make the transition from acquiantance to friend. With that said, I have no problems spending time on my own, and I enjoy being in the company of only myself. I must admit that I am not the "groupy" type of person who has a need to spend a great deal of time with friends, or that he must do everything with friends or "else it's not worth doing". In spite of this, I do yearn to have a girlfriend to share time and intimacy with.

 

(3) As far as confidence towards girls goes, on the whole it is low, but I am working on it. I try to say hi to girls I feel attracted to, but I'm usually too nervous to keep a conversation going beyond a minute.

 

Any advice on how to improve my girlfriend-less situation would be highly appreciated.

Link to comment

As for me i wish i can just turn the hormone switch off as of right now and just let it come later and not bother me.I get tired of feeling down knowing i do not have one and it doesnt seem liek any like me.I wish u can just forgot about that subject oif life till your rdy but those thoughts keep going through my mind.prom was tonight and like usual i was at work and then at my house playing computer which isnt fun and i get depressed because so many people get to go.Next year will be worse though when all my friends go and i wont prolly have a gf by then either or anyone who would want to go out to the prom with someone liek me.

Link to comment

I'm 28 and have never had a girlfriend. I've barely had any "girl friends" either. I know exactly how you others who have posted in this thread feel. So at the very least, we're "not alone", as the site name says.

 

I'm no "handsome devil" but I don't think I'm a "disfigured monster" either. I have two university degrees, a very high paying job (lawyer), am highly intelligent, funny (I think so anyway!), and try to be friendly. I would do anything for a friend of mine.

 

I am very shy, and don't think I could tell a girl that I like her, other than indirectly. I can identify completely with "untitled" and his story about his email "encoded messages". That is not retarded at all. In fact, it got you your answer. I'm not sure if you misinterpreted what she said to you, or if she really wasn't interested. If it was a misinterpretation, you need to "get over it" and move on (I know that sounds harsh but it's the reality - she has a boyfriend now). If she was not interested in you in that way, it was better to know that and be able to move on.

 

I have been hung up on a couple of girls in my life (and that's literally all - 2 of them) and they never knew I liked them. The first one now has a boyfriend. I really think that people like us get too hung up on too few women. It's not healthy to obsess over someone for two years like I did with this one girl, never being able to tell her. I've come to realise that, painful as it is, if someone dosen't like you, that is never going to change and you have to move on. I thought I could never like someone again in the way that I liked her, but that has proven wrong, and now I'm obsessed with a whole other girl that I can't tell! Hahaha - ok, but I have made some progress, because I did not like this girl at all at first, so it shows me that someone can "grow on me" and cause me to feel in a way that I thought only one person on the whole planet could before. Does this make any sense? If people like us get too connected with one person, when she turns us down we are shattered, and it's like a huge setback we may never get over.

 

I can't really offer advice, because I am probably more screwed up than anyone here, but after this long I have managed to keep my spirits up about this whole thing and not let it get me down. I can only suggest you others try to be optimistic and see the upside (if any). scrop, I don't think that looks are the reason (the ugliest guys in the world can get women for chrissake!), but it's a mental attitude. The attitude needs to change. I haven't worked out how yet, but I'm working on it, and I'm taking "baby steps". As outlined above, the first step for me was to realise that I can't get obsessed with someone who I think is perfect for me, but who I find out has no interest, to my absolute devastation. For others, the first step will be different. Eg, for scrop it may be to realise that he isn't unattractive. My advice scrop - post a photo of yourself anonymously at link removed, and let people rate you. You might be surprised! I posted photos of me and of the guy who is going with my first obsession and guess what - I'm rated 8 and he's a 4! What an ugly b*stard! hahaha. That made me feel so much better.

 

I will continue to work on my issues (and yes I know the "staying up until 4am because I can't sleep thinking about this" feeling). You need a positive attitude. Someone says you have to like yourself for others to like you - I don't know if that's correct (currently I don't think so), but I think you DO need to stay positive because if you are going to wallow in self pity or agonise over these things then no woman will want be with someone with that amount of "baggage".

 

I will read the advice of others in this thread in interest, and would particularly like to hear from anyone who has been in a situation like mine (nearly 30 for chrissake and never had a girlfriend) and has managed to pull through it.

Link to comment

Awww you guys! Your stories are so sad. *gives all of the girlfriendless guys a big hug*

 

Well maybe I can at least tell you how you could possibly find a girl to date? Something that would work on me?

 

Hmm, if a guy came up to me and gave me a sincere, sweet compliment I would probably be very flattered. I would also probably be just as nervous as the guy, so remember that! I think if he asked for my phone number I may or may not give it to him depending on how comfortable I feel with him initially, but most likley I would give him my email address.

 

Also, go to places where people, much like yourself, hang out. I am sure you can find somebody doing that. I would befriend just about all types of guys regardless on how he looks (and I do), and many people compliment me on my looks often.. so thinking that when going up to a beautiful woman or girl that she will spit on you lol or something of that nature, really isn't realistic. Sure, a few of them might.. BUT THEY AREN'T WORTH HAVING!! Be a gentleman and one day some lucky girl will realize what a catch you are.

 

A few places I would try going if I were you:

churches- you can actually find a good number of healthy looking, nice woman at churches.

some sort of a class-you can take figure drawing classes or the like on saturdays or something and you can meet people that are full of passion there and share your interests.

fixing somebody's computer!- I would say it is pretty much a fantasy of woman everywhere to need something fixed and having a man come to help you that is either hot, or extremely nice and sweet. (hot can mean very different things for different people. ex-I like tall guys, my friend likes short guys)

 

Anyways, I hope that can help you guys out somehow. Just remember (this is from the inside heh).. I am an attractive woman I would say and I would never be cruel to a guy that nicely approached me. Most likley, I would smile.

 

-SuzyQ

Link to comment

Again, if you came up to me and gave me a sincere compliment, "ugly" or not (assuming you looked somewhat sane or safe..) I would smile, and be happy. If it was anything vulgar, of course I wouldn't!.. But if it is sweet and genuine, then yeah, I would smile Shinobie.

Link to comment

Why do you think you don't have a girlfriend wlfpack? Just because of your shyness? ..

 

Maybe, you could try making friends with some "non threatening" females. Not to stereotype, but try going up to a woman that seems rather boyish or friendly. One you think you can relate to more. I wouldn't try going for the.. high maitnence.. you know what I mean. Anyways, push through your shyness a bit and try talking a girl like that. Then, you can at least get a little bit more comfortable with girls. You could end up liking her or maybe liking some of her friends if you ever meet them.

 

Don't know how much that will help you, but I hope it does!

*gives wlfpack a kiss on the cheek* See? Now you have been kissed. (joking)

-SuzyQ

Link to comment

Life is bullSh*t and it never seems like i should even be nice.Doesnt feel like im good at anything except for fricken working my job and that is juts lame.Im so nice to people and im thinking about giving not a close friend but an aquaintance type friend some stuff like my ps2,games,and things to go with it that add up too 450 dollars of my money but i dont play it anymore.I feel like giving it to him because i am a ncie person and he has made me mad sometimes but im still going too.Why do i do these things just so i can feel shitty and not feel goo about anything then mean a holes get the good looks,the atheletic body, and much much more.He is pretty poor and i think he would enjoy having it along wit the other things he likes to do.All he has is a ps1 and i feel bad for that so i can brighten things up by giving him a ps2 .

Link to comment

I think one thing about being nice that you overlooked is that you shoulnd't expect anything in return. If you are so nice, one day it will pay off. Although, that shouldn't be your motive or define if you should or should not do something. Anyways, who is to say you are ugly. So far the only person I have heard say you are ugly is yourself. So.. maybe you should try to give yourself a pat on the back just a bit more. If you call yourself ugly, so will everybody else.

 

Anyways...

 

Peace,

SuzyQ

Link to comment

Ya i knows its not my motive but im fricken tired of it i feel liek nothing is good at all i feel stupid.I go from being happy as hell 1 second to feeling like killing myself the next kind of like right now.I CANT STAND some people i dont get how they can be so mean they make me feel like killing myself make me feel worthless.Somedays i just feel like going right in front of those people that make me feel so low and killing myself right there in front of them saying this is what u pushed me to do u very cruel disgusting person.

Link to comment

 

Hmm, if a guy came up to me and gave me a sincere, sweet compliment I would probably be very flattered. I would also probably be just as nervous as the guy, so remember that! I think if he asked for my phone number I may or may not give it to him depending on how comfortable I feel with him initially, but most likley I would give him my email address.

 

Well that is the trouble. Walking up to a stranger and giving them a compliment out of nowhere (talking to them at all really, asking for anything especially) is just not something I would ever do. For some people I know doing this is actually fun for them, for me there could not be anything I would dread more. I don't feel I have the right to do something like that.

 

I couldn't imagine a girl would want me to. People have said to wait for some sort sign she might be interested, and I've seen it work for them. I never get anything like that though. I get as much regard as a potted plant might, I've never been smiled at by a girl. Maybe an old lady in a grocery store once or twice.

 

A very, very long time ago when I was a freshman in high school I asked a girl to do something, I dont even remember what but it wasnt for a date or a phone number, it was something freidnly like a bike ride - I don't remember I was a kid. And she wasn't like a super good looking girl or anything like that either, just an average kid. Well she laughed out loud in my face. That was the only time I ever tried, and since I've never been shown the least intrest by any girl since thern I've never tried again.

 

Obviously, there has to be something seriously wrong with me, with how I look, something. Maybe I'm a nice guy, smart, etc but who would ever know? If any of that mattered wouldn't I have run into someone who thought so by now? I don't have any hygine problems or dress like a homeless person, but there is something about my appearance that has always replused members of the opposite sex.

 

In the other forums I read so much about people years younger who have no problem meeting people, my brothers have met lots of people. They all have dated a bunch of people. Sure, maybe it doesn't work out all the time - but it still happens, they are able to meet people. Lots of people may have problems meeting people - but they still manage from time to time. I have met 0. In my mind that makes me defective.

 

If I did force myself to try to talk to some girl and it went badly this would only reassert these feelings and make me feel worse. It would become even harder to attempt to do that again.

 

I don't do alot in public because I'm just not comfortable there. When I see other people who are enjoying themselves, by themselves or with others I usually just feel worse about myself.

I don't enjoy doing alot of things because alot of things remind me of this problem. So if I do anything, its something that won't be throwing this problem in my face reminding me. It would be something by myself where I don't have to be in public; reading, sleeping. I don't feel as abnormal if noone can see me.

 

Plus, this is only half the problem.

 

I'm not able to even meet a person in the first place, they would not know anything about me, about how I think, how I feel. Everything about meeting someone seems like it has some superficial barrier that I just can't break. But suppose for a moment I could. Maybe some girl talks to me, and by some miriacle might actually be interested in me. I would be more likely to win the lottery, but just for the sake of argument, supposed that this happens. Then what?

 

How can I relate to this person?

 

I don't do stuff because its embarrassing to be in public.

 

I've never been in any sort of non-formal relationship with a person. I'd be on the same level socially as a grade schooler.

 

I have an eating disorder, how long can I avoid going out to eat with them? There are alot of what if's with this one.

 

I don't like me. Why should I? No one ever liked me, why are they even talking to me? Is something wrong with them? Is this a joke waiting to be sprung on me?

 

 

That's just some of what would be going through my head. Now I don't know anything about what normal people have to figure out or think about when they have a relationship with a person - but whatever it is, how could I even stand a chance at dealing with that? Whatever skills someone my age is supposed to have developed by now I don't have.

 

There is alot more than shyness that I have to deal with, and alot of people would probably suggest that these other things are the real problem. It actually developed the otherway around. I wasn't born with all these feeling, but I was always shy. Gradually since high school I've only gotten worse - all of it stemmed from never being accepted socially, never fitting in, constantly being ridiculed then - because I was shy, everyday.

 

I'm near the end of what I hear are supposed to have been the best years of your life. Well, these best years have been nothing but empty and painful - Not looking forward to the rest.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...