Please help... I don't know what to do now...

Hi, this is my first post here so please bear with me if I ramble on a bit, but I could really use some advice...

In February my husband left me. We have/had been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 3 of those. It was a huge shock, as I thought of him as my soul-mate, and always thought he felt the same way. He said there was no-one else involved and I believed him.

I did all the usual things (mistakes?) that many people here seem to have done... calling him, texting him, emailing him, but it pushed him further away. I had quite a bit of time off work as I just couldn't function properly, didn't eat/sleep/get dressed etc, and just generally sunk into a very depressed state. After a few weeks of keeping in contact with him, he said he would give things another try but couldn't guarantee anything. Of course I jumped at the chance. He came over to eat, watch tv, just spend time together, a few times a week. It always seemed things were comfortable between the two of us.

One night he asked if he could use the pc to check something, I didn't think anything of it at the time so said ok. Of course in my paranoid state, I checked the history on the pc after he left... and found the address of a forum he posts on; I knew he was on it before he left but never really thought anything of it at the time... then going back through posts, even as far back as Oct/Nov last year, I saw alot of flirting with one particular member and this completely shook me up. Alot of the members on his forum had a meetup at the end of March, and I saw a photo of him and this girl together, also a video clip where they are looking very friendly, standing together, her head resting on his cheek... The next time I saw him I confronted him about it (I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it). He looked very shocked (to me it looked like he'd been 'rumbled'), but still denied there was anything going on, they were just friends... then about a week later, I find out they have been out for a meal together on a night he had made excuses not to spend any time with me...

Anyway, one night last week we were both out in the same pub, but not together - he with his friends, me with mine. I bumped into a lad I met last year, at a concert, and he came to sit with me after my friends had left. I had had far too much to drink and I know it was stupid, but I was lonely and wanted some company so I asked him to come home and stay with me - I made it clear from the outset that there were no sexual implications whatsoever, and that I just needed a friend. He did, and we watched tv and talked, I even showed him wedding photos and cried about my predicament. I talked about nothing but my husband... he was understanding and was a good listener. He stayed the night as it was very late, however I stupidly just said, sleep in the bed (I was so drunk and tired I didn't even get the spare bed out). Nothing happened, we just both passed out and slept.

Next day my husband turns up unannounced (every other time he'd call or text first??)... and the other guy is still asleep . I didn't try to hide that he was there because I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but I did wake him up and say it would be better if he left... I had to stop my husband going after him. He was very angry, I got very upset, trying to explain that it was a knee jerk reaction, that if I hadn't found out about him going for a meal with his 'friend', I might not have felt so low that I had needed someone to keep me company. He said I could have made him sleep on the sofa (a female friend says he is 'splitting hairs' with that one). I got so upset about everything that he even held me while I sobbed, and when he left he kissed me (out of pity??)...

He called over again yesterday. He looked at me as if I was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and it hurt so much... he's not sure he can ever forgive me for what I did... I kept saying I only did it because of the way he had hurt me and lied, and that I'd needed company and a listener, and that nothing sexual whatsoever had happened. By the time he left, I felt so hopeless, and that I've completely wrecked any chance there may have been to 'win him back'.

I won't be seeing him again for a few days (if ever again, that is) as he has a business meeting and has to travel, so will be away from the area.

Where do I go from here? I have read alot of posts mentioning the No Contact rule (can't seem to find a definitive explanation/run down of it though?). I realise I have shocked and hurt him, but he did that to me first, and with the benefit of hindsight I now know I reacted in a very stupid way. I love him so much I feel like I'm dead inside, I am feeling just about as low right now as I did the day he left. Suicide has crossed my mind but I cannot hurt my family and friends like that because I love them. I love this man with my heart and soul. I feel like I have lost part of me that can never be replaced, and I don't want a replacement... I'm sorry this post is so long but to get advice I think I needed to present the facts as fully as possible. Please help, I'm so desperately alone and scared...

You did nothing wrong by having a male friend sleep over. You didn't do anything sexual with him. Your husband is the one who dumped you, has been hanging out with someone new, etc. ... so how does HE have any right to get mad at YOU? You are blaming yourself for this but you shouldn't be. The guy staying over has nothing to do with why your husband is acting this way ... he probably feels guilty because he knows he hurt you by leaving you, so he's looking for some way to put the blame back on your for why you are not together right now. The truth is probably that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you right now, and this thing about being mad about the guy staying over is just an excuse. He knows he has power over you and he's abusing that.

I'm not saying there's no chance of him ever coming back to you. I think he probably will want to come back at some point. But I question whether you should even take him back. He left you, and has apparently been seeing someone else, and now he's trying to make you feel like YOU did something wrong. I think you deserve better. But I also know how it's easier to say that from the outside. My boyfriend dumped me in early March after I found out he'd started seeing someone else. He said he'd decided our relationship was over but hadn't had the guts to tell me yet. I've definitely wished more than anything that he'd change his mind and want me back, even though everyone has told me I'm better off without him. And I still think he might come back (when the novelty of this new girl wears off). But I don't think I'll take him back because he's a jerk. Nobody who loves you should treat you that way.

Good luck, and try not to internalize everything so that you think it's all your fault. It's not. Remember that he's the one who screwed things up by leaving you.

sugarplum_pdx,

thanks so much for your reply, I am feeling more positive about things already. Now that I see another point of view, I can see how he is using this situation to his advantage, and trying to blame me when I did nothing wrong... a bit silly maybe, but not WRONG. I know you said maybe I shouldn't take him back, but at the moment I love him still and would probably consider it... having said that I am going to try the No Contact approach, and who knows, maybe I'll decide I am better off without him, time will tell. I know it's going to be hard; 9 years is a long time and hard to just 'give up' on, but I think the more I try and hold on to him, the more he'll slip through my fingers. I need to give him a chance to miss me, then maybe he will see that I am the one he truly loves. If not, well, I will become stronger in the process and reinforce the fact in my own head that while I may love him, I don't need him.

I really hope things work out for you too, in the way that you want them to, the way that's best for YOU.

Also, if anyone has a link to the No Contact rule in more detail, I would be very grateful. I have only seen bits here and there and get the general idea, but wondered about timescales/putting it into action/sticking by it, etc.

Thanks to everyone in advance; I feel like I'm not alone anymore .

That is exactly what I've told myself ... that I will just give it time, and hope that after some time passes, I won't want to be with him anymore. Right now I still have a lot of emotion for him because we were together over 3 years and just broke up a month ago. But rationally, I know that he's not a good person for me to be with anymore, because I don't think he'll ever change. Maybe your guy will ... you never know.

And I also have told myself the same thing about not needing him ... I am fine without him. I can live on my own. I have a nice apartment, and friends and family. I still WANT someone in my life and have feelings for my ex, but don't NEED him.

As for the no contact rule, I don't think it is meant to be a hard-and-fast rule that applies to everyone. All situations are different. I think the general idea is what's important: Don't keep contacting him, because you'll just make yourself feel worse when he doesn't respond the way you want him to, and you'll also make him pull away. I don't think the timeframe matters exactly. Some say 60 days, but then what? You can contact him after 60 days and everything will magically be okay? I don't think so. I have contacted my ex, but only in a casual way, and don't expect anything to change. If I didn't contact him specifically in hopes of changing his mind about things, that would probably backfire anyway so I'm not doing that. I'm just playing it by ear and keeping in mind that he's a jerk and I can't depend on him in any way right now.

I think you're right, that I just need to give it time. I'm not going to kid myself that the No Contact approach will make him come running back with his arms wide open; however I will use it as the opportunity to strengthen myself emotionally; to realise that there is life after being dumped. Who wants a desperate, clingy, fragile person when they have previously always been happy, funny and good to be around?

One thing I am puzzled about though is, he hasn't once mentioned divorce, he is still paying towards the mortgage payments on the house (though not anything else), and hasn't even mentioned going to a solicitor or whatever, which is a bit confusing; I mean if he really wants to be away from me, he would have at least made some enquiries about things like this? I don't know... maybe he's scared that he'd be doing the wrong thing, and that he should wait a while?

Anyway, I am still going to try NC, and just see what happens. I'll keep updating here with my progress, in the meantime any opinions/advice/pm's would be gratefully received.

Hi, Lobster. . .

Sugarplum's right. . . you haven't done anything wrong here. It's your husband who wanted to leave. She's also right in saying that the guy who stayed over has nothing to do with the relationship between you and your husband. . . it sounds like there are much deeper issues here.

I'm glad you're going with NC for a while. . . that should give you both some space to heal and think things over. Let us know how you're doing. I'll be thinking about you.

Thanks DaisyB,

seeing as none of our mutual 'friends' (apart from 2) have been in touch with me since this happened (I met them through him anyway, and left the area I originally grew up in to be with him, so I kind of don't really have any of my 'own', apart from a good friend I msn with as she lives hundreds of miles away), it's so comforting to know there are people out there who care . I'm also lucky that have my family close by, and they are very supportive. I will keep everyone posted on my progress, and also wish everyone the best of luck in their own similar/differing situations, too.

Can anyone advise what to do about the practical things, such as, if any items of post arrive here for him? I was thinking I should just post them on to his parents' house (where he is living now)?

Also, there are still things in the house belonging to him (which he has said he doesn't have room for at their place) - do I pack them away? Ask him to come and get them? Seeing as he is still paying towards the house, I know he would say something like "it's still my house too, I can't take all these things yet, I don't have anywhere to put them". I did put most things away after he'd gone, just to avoid having to see them everywhere I looked - maybe I should just leave things like that until whatever happens, happens?

I just want to make sure I do NC as best as I can, and have no reason to contact him...

All suggestions welcome...

Okay... he called round today (unannounced, AGAIN) wanting some of his 'work related stationery' (as I said before there are still some of his things here). My parents had rang a few minutes before and were on their way to see me, so I told him this (incase he wanted to avoid them )... and what a surprise, he made his excuses and left very quickly. So, I didn't have a chance to ask him what I should do about his mail and things.

Do I do what I said in my other post, ie, send mail on to his parents' house? I have started NC in my own mind, but he came over and I couldn't really do anything about that...

Also, I'm wondering why he came over exactly? The stuff he wanted to pick up could be bought almost anywhere for a few pounds... was he trying to catch me 'up to something'? Or spying on me?

Ha, I'm sure he didn't want to be there when your parents got there ... talk about awkward. My ex wanted to stay far away when my family was coming to help me move out of the house we shared ... he said he knew he had been a complete ass, and the last thing he wanted was to run into my mother. As it ended up, I moved out one day while he was at work, without even telling him ... I just wanted him to have to come home to an empty house unexpectedly.

Anyway, I would say you should either send his mail to his parents house, or get together his stuff and leave it on the porch or something for him to pick up when you're not home. There's no reason you have to see him at this point.

Who knows why he popped in like that ... he may have wanted to check up on you, or maybe he just feels he has the right to do that because he still thinks of it as his house ...

Just try to ignore him for now. I know it's not easy. But I've found that I definitely feel better when I haven't had any contact with my ex for several days. I *think* I want to talk to him, but then when I do, he just makes me feel worse. So I'm trying to remember that when I get the urge to speak to him. Good luck!

Thanks, sugarplum

good one there about you moving out without him knowing - I bet that was a surprise!

I think I will do what you said about the mail, as for his stuff... I can't really leave it in the porch as I'm the only one of the two of us who has a key for there; he still has a front door key, but not a porch one, and I wouldn't want his stuff to be stolen; that would make things worse I think! I may have to just pack it up and put it somewhere I can't see it for the time being - most of the stuff he left behind (that I haven't already removed from vision!) isn't really that important anyway (books/magazines/old computer parts etc), so I can't see that he'd be desperate to have it back (yet).

Thanks again for the advice - it's only day 1 and I feel alot better already! I know I have a long way to go, but I'm going to try and stay positive and remember what I am trying to achieve here; emotional strength and personal growth, so that if after all this he still doesn't love me, at least I will!

Hi, Lobster --

Glad to know you're hanging in there! You're doing exactly the right things with his mail and his stuff -- just pack the stuff up and put it away for now, and if he wants it, he'll let you know.

Obviously if he contacts you over something urgent or important, you'll have to have contact with him -- just keep the interaction to a minimum. Don't worry about it spoiling "no contact." He can't mess with that. Remember, it's all about you right now. Sounds a little selfish, but it's true. . .

DaisyB,

thanks for putting me at ease about him calling over without me expecting him. If he does it again I'll try to be 'neutral' but pleasant (try!). I'll also get about putting a few things away - will keep me busy I suppose, and probably be theraputic .

I've already started focusing on becoming a more confident, 'improved' version of me, and I have something to look ahead to now. I feel so much better since posting here - thanks everyone!

NC Day 2... t minus 8 mins...

Hi everyone,

well day 3 of no contact, and so far no hitches (I'm actually surprised at how easy I've found it... is that normal after feeling so desperate for so long?).

Some mail arrived for him today, so I wanted to ask... should I put a note in with it when I send it off to his parents'? Just saying something like "if any mail arrives I'll forward it on to you, to save you hassle" ? Or word it differently? Or just send it without any note at all? Not sure what to do, so suggestions/advice welcome.

Also, tonight I'm going to hunt round the house for any lingering items and box them up, so I don't happen accross them by accident later down the line and get myself all upset again - I feel like I'm doing well and don't want to take a backward step.

I thought the other night too that I should redecorate our bedroom, so it feels like 'my' bedroom (after all that's what it is now); does anyone think that's a good/bad idea?

Hope everyone else is doing well; I keep thinking something is going to go wrong because I though it would be alot harder than this... then again 3 days isn't that long really, is it? There's still time...

I got a text from him at around 2.30pm today, saying " Bed bound slipped disc ". One of his hobbies is martial arts so I'm assuming it's from that. Do I answer? What do I say if I do? I don't want to mess NC up by doing/saying the wrong thing . Can anyone advise please?

Right. He signed into msn tonight when I was there talking to my (female) friend in Scotland... and initiated contact. He said "Hello? You get my text?" and (after about 2 minutes) I said "yes" (should I have ignored him?). I said "are you feeling better?" and he said "no" and I said "sorry to hear that"... anyway then he says he saw me posting on my (regular) forum... and I asked why he should be bothered, and he said "just curious as to what goes on over there is all" so I said, "I have nothing to hide, be as curious as you like", the he said "I don't need to be, I saw it for myself" then he said he was in too much pain and had to go (see prev post re 'pain')...

Why is he messing with my head like this? I am on day 4 and felt like I was getting somewhere... and then this happens. I ignored his text and came here for advice, but maybe no-one saw my post asking what I should do about the text? I feel a bit iffy again, just when I was starting to feel a bit better about myself and my situation. Please could someone tell me how I should react whe he contacts me? I am doing the NC from this end, but I don't know what to do/say when it's the other way around...

Hi Lobster,

I don't know if I really have an answer. I have been answering my ex when he contacts me online, but being short with him. I am not sure if it's the right approach or not. Tonight, I decided that it would be better to block him on my chat programs. It's sort of an experiment. First of all, it'll be good for me because it will mean I can't check to see whether he's online and use that to make any assumptions about what he's doing. (I don't know if your guy is anything like mine, but mine is always online if he's at home or at work, so if he's offline, I can assume he's gone, etc.) I don't need to keep thinking about what he's doing, so this will keep me in the dark. Second, it will prevent him from seeing whether I am online too. If he wants to contact me, there's always phone or email. I think he is less likely to contact me by either of those means unless it's important. When it's chat, he is more likely to contact me with some meaningless little thing. And I think that by blocking him, I'm forcing there to be more distance between us for now. That's what he said we needed ... he said he needed some time apart from me to know whether he wanted to be with me.

So I don't know if that helps you, but that's the direction I'm going in right now. I feel like it hurts me more than it helps me for him to contact me now, because I know nothing's gonna change in such a short time, so what's the point? I'd rather wait and have him maybe contact me in a more meaningful way after some time has passed.

Let me know what happens next!

Hi sugarplum,

Well... I feel like leaving him in my list of contacts, just so I can ignore him next time... and I will! He would know when I'm online anyway, as he said on msn last night that he has been looking at the forum I post on (slightly odd if you ask me - he didn't seem to care before what I did, so why now? ). I have uplugged the answering machine, so if he rings he can't leave a message, also if the phone rings I have been ignoring it - anyone who wants to talk to me has my mobile number, and at least I will know who's ringing that way.

So, day 5 and so far I feel ok about things, apart from the odd blip (which I've already posted about). I bought paint today and am in the middle of redecorating 'our' bedroom, so it is slowly becoming 'my' bedroom... and I can't wait to get it finished! At least when I go to bed I won't think of him (as much...)

Let me know how you get on too, it's good having someone out there to share these things with; I hope you're doing ok... hang in there! We can do it!

I was on msn last night and he signed in. He didn't make contact and neither did I; after a few minutes I changed from 'online' to 'away'. Later I changed back to 'online', and he changed to 'busy', this happened a few times, each time I changed my status he did too, neither of us showing as 'online' at the same time... could he have been thinking I was going to make contact?

Also, the phone rang at 4am... I got up to answer it incase it was a call about a family member or something, and it was silent for a few seconds then the person hung up. I dialled 1471 but 'the caller witheld their number'... could it have been him? Maybe he thinks it would get me to call/text to ask if he called in the middle of the night?

I wouldn't say I'm worried by any of this, but at the same time it all seems a bit odd to me... then again maybe I'm reading too much into every little thing that happens?

I know I keep answering my own posts (sorry) but I have a bad memory so it's helping me remember what goes on and suchlike...

Anyway, he contacted me again on msn tonight. He said he was still 'broken' (martial arts injury), and asked of there was any post for him. I said yes, and asked what he wanted me to do with it... I said I could post or whatever. He said if I could drop it off at his mum's it would save time and postage (how thoughtful), so I said I'd drop it off tomorrow night after work.

I'm kind of hoping his mum comes to the door when I call there - I don't know if I'm ready to see him face to face again yet; will have to see what happens. I didn't mention the phonecall I had at 4am - never thought to. Nothing else to report so far... I'm now into day 7 (or is it 8?) and still feeling ok. I still can't believe I feel this calm about everything after 9 years together... is this the 'calm before the storm' I wonder?

So I called over his parents after work tonight with his mail. His mum invited me in for a cup of tea, then called him downstairs even though I said 'it's ok, he can stay up there' (not in a mean way though - his parents are great). Anyway he came down and had a cup of tea with me, I gave him his mail, and we chatted for a bit about work etc, general non-relationship type stuff (which was fine with me, also I don't think it was the time/place for that kind of conversation anyway). Everything was quite friendly and relaxed.

I only stayed for about 15 minutes, because I didn't want it to get uncomfortable for either of us, and I wanted him to see that I don't need to hang around him and on his every last word (like I had been doing before I started NC last week). He said thanks for me dropping his mail in and I said 'it's ok. I'll post the next lot to save either of us the hassle', and left, without looking back.

Am I being too offhand? I know the idea is to let him know I don't need him, but I'm worried that he may think 'fine, she's ready for me to tell her it's really over and call solicitors in'. Am I doing things right? I didn't really want to have to go over there today, and as far as I'm concerned I won't be doing it again, but I'd still like advice/opinions on whether I am doing this right... All input welcome...

He rang on Thursday while I was at work, and left a message (I stupidly forgot there's another answering machine on a phone upstairs that was never used and hadn't unplugged it... asking me to ring him. He was using the silly voice we sometimes used to use when speaking to each other... Anyway, I waited until Saturday afternoon before calling him back. He said he'd just rang to see if there was any mail for him (there was). Said his injury was getting better "if you're interested"; I said that was good to hear. Then he said "well, I'll see you, er, sometime, then", and I just said "ok, bye then" and hung up.

I had to go to the post office later on anyway, so I posted his mail to his parents' house (no note inside), then texted and said "I have posted your mail".

Is he using mail as an 'excuse' to get in touch because there's no other plausible reason? Or is it simply for that? I told him before that if anything arrived, I'd forward it on... I don't see why he has to call to ask if there is anything? I want to keep doing NC but he keeps getting in touch and I don't know if I should respond or ignore him... what should I be doing if he contacts me again? Please help incase I screw things up next time...

Hi everyone, hope you're doing ok . Latest update/mad rambling post...

I had to call him last night... I checked my bank account (it's still the joint account, but only I use it now... so I thought) and he'd paid a credit card bill online, and left me with next to no money!! So I had no choice but to call him . Anyway, I kept everything light and friendly, not angry that he'd used the wrong bank account or anything, he apologised and he said he'd transfer the money straight back in (which he did). He asked if there was any more mail (there was), I said I'd just forward it on again like last time. Asked if his injury was better, he said it was and thanked me for asking.

So then (because I didn't have anything else to say) I just said, "well bye then, take care", and before I could hang up he said really quickly, "so how are you? What have you been up to?". I said I'd been busy with work, lots of things to do around the house (decorating), small talk really. I'd been to a gig last week with my brother (it had been booked before he'd left me) and he asked about that; I said I'd had a blast (which I did!). Bit of an awkward silence after that... then he said "ok, er well then, I'll, er, see you, sometime" (which upset me a bit but there you go), so I just said "ok then, bye", and hung up before he could.

It's so hard doing NC when I have to call like that (did he use the wrong account on purpose knowing I'd have to contact him?)... but I had no choice. It did seem as if he was trying to keep me on the phone, but not really sure why as he didn't really say very much .

I still don't know how I should be feeling about all of this. I still love him, but I get the feeling he has put everything to the back of his mind and has forgotten about everything (all of the 9 years and all the good times... does he even miss me one little bit?), which is difficult to handle seeing as we're still married (so far) and he's still paying towards the mortgage, and there's no sign of any solicitors' involvement etc. How long could this go on? I can't initiate divorce because it's not what I want; that would have to be his choice, painful as it would (will?) be. I haven't mentioned anything to do with our relationship in any of the few conversations since I started NC, and have no intention of doing so either. But surely, one of us will have to at some point? We can't stay married and separated at the same time for the rest of our lives .

I really feel like I should be out doing new things and meeting new people, but as I said in one of my earlier posts, all my old friends live 30 plus miles away (I left them to move in with EX), none of our mutual friends seem to be aware of what's going on, they have children, and don't really go in for having nights out anymore, so it's kind of hard to get my confidence back up when I'm in the house most of the time (when not at work that is). Even the people I work with are mostly under 20 and I have nothing in common with them (plus alot of them are into some 'odd habits' ie not drinking if you get my drift) so going out with them isn't an option.

I felt great in the last couple of weeks, now I feel like I'm going under again, the little confidence and strength I'd tried to build up is slowly slipping away again. What can I do? I am not the sort who would feel comfortable going out alone, so how can I meet people when I'm at home/work all the time? I would love to take up a new hobby (gym, nightclass at college, etc) but my job doesn't pay that well and I have nothing spare once the bills are paid to take up anything new... I am really at a loss as to how I can do new things without having to take out a bank loan to do it!

Any opinions/thoughts/suggestions etc on any of my points above would be most appreciated...

PS - I realise I've not really given anyone advice on their problems, but I don't think I'm in the best frame of mind to, seeing as I don't know what I should be doing myself, so I would just like to apologise for that . Believe me, if I thought anything I had to say would help anyone, I'd be there like a shot! Hopefully when I can sort my messy horrible life out I'll be able to give something back... please bear with me... massive thanks. Big love to everyone!

i'm not a fan of no contact. i agree that one shouldn't contact the ex if one is feeling emotional, but at moments of clarity, why shouldn't you. because if you wait until you are entirely emotionally stable, it might be too late then. and i believe every case is different. you have been married for a while, that's worth saving versus (not to undermine people's pain) having a teenage first love problem. i would just remain in friendly contact with your ex and relax. i know you want an answer, but this is something not answerable at the moment by your ex. if indeed you want to be with your ex again, to push him for a decision right now when he's kind of indecisive will push him the wrong way. just build up good relations with him again and slowly, then chemistry will take over.

Thanks for the reply ziggystar.

I would initiate contact if I knew what to say... but seeing as he has all these new 'friends' (one in particular) now and I don't really fit into the picture, what would I talk about? I know the physical chemistry is still there, as before I started NC there were a few times when we did what alot of others here have done and succumbed to the act, but I always felt useless and back to square one again afterwards, so that had to stop. I mean, I could email him or call him, but for what reason? I know I cannot (and don't want to) push him for a decision, but I feel that the longer I leave things the way they are, the more he will forget about me, us, and our lives together; all the good times etc.

Should I maybe suggest going out or something? Ring/email/text and ask him something about the house/bank account/bills or whatever, to make it sound like I'm ok and not pining for him? Or just not get in touch at all?

NC has worked well for me so far, in as much as helping me be more independent and getting used to being on my own, but I still wonder if I should be keeping some channel of communication open, however small... am I making it too easy for him to walk away without even wondering what could have been?

Any ideas, my friends?