1 month since Mom's passing - how to handle it with ex?

Friday (in a few minutes) is the 1 month anniversary of my Mom's passing. Some background:

- My ex and my Mom were very close.

- My ex flew accross the country to be with me and family during the wake and funeral (after we broke up)

- My ex often sees me sad or crying because of my Mom, offers comfort (though hasn't happened for about 8 days now).

Tomorrow, I'm going to listen to a special CD my Mom had prepared for her sons to hear after she passed. My siblings have already heard it - I haven't yet. There's also a letter she wanted me to read (my Mom was a planner like that). When I first flew back home from the funeral, I asked my ex to "be with me when I listen to the CD and read the letter". My ex agreed.

A couple of weeks ago, we decided to do it on the one month anniversary.

But I'm in the midst of trying to play it cool and aloof with the ex. For the past four days or so, I've been doing okay at it.

So question... how should I handle tomorrow? Listen, read, have a good cry, then tell the ex thanks, and find something else to do? I admit I'm not really willing to play any kind of "game" for such a sombre event; but I love the ex and want a life with her. I really, really don't know what to do. Help with some ideas!

LostinVan

Ooophhhh...

I don't think anyone can tell you how to act on this one...

My heart goes out to you.... dealing with the death of a loved one at the same time as the loss of a partner must be terribly difficult.

My suggestion would be to focus on the bond that you too still share. Allow yourselves to grieve together... don't rush it... and don't confuse it. When that time has past, do your best to leave things off as positively as you did before (sorry haven't followed the full story).... but I'd try to leave things innocuously with "I should go spend some time with my family, call me if you need me"

but I'd try to leave things innocuously with "I should go spend some time with my family, call me if you need me"

Here's part of the problem... my entire family is 4000 miles away My ex is my only local "family"... or was up until a month and some change ago...

LostinVan

LostinVan,

Firstly I just want to say that I can't express how sorry I am to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you my friend.

You have asked your ex to be with you for comfort on this day and she has agreed, that is fantastic mate.

My advice would be this: Forget about acting, forget about what you should or shouldn't do with regards to you and your ex's 'situation'....and forget about attempting to appear aloof.

It will be an extremely emotional day for you LiV, don't put any extra pressure on yourself by placing expectations on your own behaviour.

Listen to the CD, read the letter and let whatever happens, happen. It isn't a day to worry about 'the game' bro, it's a day to be true to yourself.

Take care.

LostinVan

My thoughts are with you today. It will not be easy for you.

I entirely agree with Majord. Now is the time for any game-playing savvy. Do what you need to do today. Remember your mother, with your ex, with the dignity and respect that she deserves.

G xx

Wow. Weird day for sure.

First, thanks to all of you for keeping me in your thoughts today. It was a tough day. Listening to the CD my Mom left for me was tough. She picked out a song that she said was "poignant" to how she felt about me, and then there was some audio from her. A voice from beyond the grave. Very very tough.

Before the ex and I listened to the CD... we had about an hour's chat. The ex's back was acting up (she was in a car crash a dozen years ago, did some permanent damage to parts of her back). She was complaining that it had been really bad for a week or so. I let her know a secret... for years and years, while she was sleeping (I'd often go to bed later than her), I would massage her back while she was sleeping.. every two or three days. She was amazed that this went on for years, and said "that's probably why my back is so bad right now".

Got LOTS of mixed signals today. I broke two rules... I said "I love you" during the chat. Then, for the first time since the break, kissed her on the lips - very light, very nice. I hope.

Did this after the range of mixed signals. At times I get a sense that she is thinking she may have made a mistake, but doesn't want to admit it. At other times, I got a sense of "I've moved on". Can't put it into words... just a feeling.

She did say something notable - two things.

1. She says that for the last few weeks, she's having trouble sorting thoughts out, things in her brain. She doesn't know how to deal with it.

2. She said about the relationship (she brought it up)... and posibility of a future together... "I don't know if I can trust that we won't go back to the way things were".

I guess that's hopeful. The I love you from me came out during a tender moment where she was hugging me because she was sad. I couldn't help it. I covered a bit by saying "I didn't mean I'm in love with you - just that I know the love I have for you will be with me for ever, and it's getting warm again." She said "I have deep love for you too".

The kiss. Sigh. I said I broke a rule by saying I love you. She was looking at me with dough eyes after talking about her strained relationship with her Mom. I said "I want to break another rule..." put my thumb on her chin, moved forward and gave a light kiss on the lips. She didn't pull back.

Later, after the CD... and my sobbing. She kissed me on the lips again.. .very light, but her doing. Most likely what she thought I would most like at that moment.

Weird day. 90% of the day, thinking about my Mom. I can't believe she's gone still. It's killing me.

10% thinking about the ex.

0% work done today (yes, it's good friday, but I had work to do

LostinVan.

LostinVan

What a poignant day that you shared with your ex. I am glad that you put aside all games for the day and respected your mother and yourselves. It seems appropriate to me that she was the one to share the day with you.

Telling your ex that you love her, kissing her and being kissed by her - who said that these were against the rules? These were the result of tender emotions. Neither of you should be denied them.

I wish you continued success in your quest.

G xx