The only reason the thought of dying hurts is my children...

I am absolutely at the end of my rope. I think I'm only writing here to see how it all looks laid out in front of me...do I make sense? Or do I need to take a trip to a mental hospital?

I've heard that as you get older, things like depression and anxiety become worse. I am starting to believe that. I am so afraid that one day, I will kill myself. I have never tried, because I know once I do, I will surely mean to complete it.

I was a brilliant but depressed child that never fit in. I read fluently at the age of four, and have memories from when I was two. I remember my mother being submitted to hospitals for what my father called nervous breakdowns...big surprise seeing as how he was pounding the tar out of her at that time. I don't blame him, though. My dad had a very difficult life, growing up in a home where his father was a tyrant - and a monster to his two little sisters....I never thought my life would read to make me appear as trailer trash, but, there it is folks. I was sexually molested when I was seven. I told no one until I was older, because my sister knew about it and would always threaten to tell "my dirty secret" if she didn't get her way.

My mom was (is) manic-depressive, she's been treated with electro-convulsive therapy with some results, after fifteen years of madness and slashed wrists. Her grandfather and great-grandfather both met their maker at the end of a rifle, held by their own hand.

My parents separated when I was twelve, leaving me horribly displaced, and unwanted. I surfed between houses from that time on, depressed, hopeless, and gifted - with no one to care or notice. When at my mother's, I would endure her manic rages night after night, being startled out of bed in the middle of the night by my frantic stepfather, telling me to jimmy open the bathroom door before she cut her wrists. Or, once or twice by the police, coming to take her away (oh my). This was all in a middle class neighborhood. When I'd had enough, I would trek to my older sister's home, or "Hitler" as I sometimes called her. I am still waiting for her to realize that she is even crazer than my mother.

I had a baby when I was 19. Many people may call this a poor decision, but, I understand it now. What did I have to lose? In a world where no one loved me or cared about me - I made my own love. Love her I do. She is nine now, she looks a lot like her father but doesn't know him.

I met the first man I fell in love with five years later, and planned our wedding while I was pregnant. He ended up getting us evicted from our townhouse, cheated on me with a stripper, and left me in the hospital the day I had our daughter - almost 2 months too early. She almost died, but I love her dearly too. I almost died after I had her. I hung on because she was such a fighter - even though her father denied her and I barely had any room left in my brain to think about her - she fought for her life and she thrived, and she loved me. I almost gave her away, but her older sister was so grateful to have her, and deep down, my love for her was strong.

Soon after I finally did meet a nice guy, and we've been together ever since. Although, he hates me - because he doesn't believe in depression. He thinks I'm just willfully flaky. I'm sure he will leave me soon enough because of it. Perhaps it will be better then - his constant harping has worn me so thin, and he really does deserve someone better, being the truly good and driven person that he is.

Through my entire life - I have spent so many gut-wrenching days and nights, wondering why I couldn't just DIE. Life seems so pointless, aside from those few I love. I am sometimes a terrible mother because I am such a miserable person. I read posts here, and I understand totally. I can do what I can do - but to what avail? Who will care? I care for nothing - I am hostile and angry, impulsive and anxious - and recently, since my latest job loss - I've started crying again. Bawling, which I haven't done in at least two years. Uncontrollably and regularly, it is so painful to cry and cry, and be unable to stop. The only time I am at peace is when I am sleeping. I drive my boyfriend crazy because I can't (won't) do anything. I will feel fine for a couple months, than, I can't even get out of bed in the morning to take the kids to school...I'll let the housework go, and, habitually get fired from the wonderful jobs that I've had because I cannot force myself to give a crap. It is killing me. I have stopped caring for everything, some days, I cannot even look at my children and FEEL. I am snappy and irritable, wanting only to lock myself in my bedroom and not be disturbed. What kind of life is this for me? For them?

I think...change is possible, only for those who really want it. What for those who WANT NOTHING BUT TO BE DEAD?

I often think I was born destined to kill myself - I have been thinking of it since I was twelve. I find myself wishing now I had never had these two beautiful children, for then I could've been done with myself long ago. I feel like my pain has become worse, because I have trapped myself in a prison - I cannot die because my children bind my to life. I am so miserable because I can't be the wonderful mother that they deserve. I feel like I am trying so, so hard...and still nothing matters.

Don't Give Up has become my mantra, but, I am growing so very very tired - I just don't know how much longer I can bear it. Would they be worse off without me? Perhaps killing myself would be a good thing for them, they would be free of my negative influence and have an opportunity for a normal life.

If I did kill myself, I would make it appear as an accident, to make it easier on my children - so they wouldn't feel stigmatized or ashamed, and could collect insurance for their education. It is so terrible that I could be worth so much more to them dead. But, it is reality.

I know sometimes u feel like it would be better to die then to keep on living.. Well guess what u answered urself u have beautiful kids who love you dearly when you are thinking about ending it all think about them, who will raise them? Love them? Take care of them? You will be taking the easy way out while your children are having to suffer for something that could have been prevented.

I'm not trying to sound hard or whatever but i've been in ur shoes many of times, I've dealt with depression for many yrs now and I have attempted suicide 3 or 4 times.. In the end I realize killing myself isn't worth it.

Though it doesn't seem like it.. there is a reason to for everyone to live, and for you it happens to be your kids. You say you would make it look like an "accident" so ur kids could draw insurance money, But maybe you should be thinking about the emotional impact it would have on them. They are still young how is someone going to explain to them that there mom is dead?

So i'll say again before you think or try anything stupid think about your babies, The ones who will love you no matter what.

Get urself some help, go to a hospital somewhere you seem like you want to be helped so go somewhere and maybe they can help you.

And if you EVER!!!! and I mean ever need to just talk and get whatever out or feel like you are going to do somethin stupid Please email me email removed i'm here to listen and not like I can do much other then listen but I will try to help you out anyway possible.

your story is very depressing you have been through alot and I wish it didnt have to happen, but dont give up go to cousiling hunny. You have children now for them dont give up. Who would love them? Take care of them? Who would give them things when the only person who could is there mother? Life is hard I know it is....Dont give up keep on fighting trust me...if you wanna talk send me a private message hope things get better

OK...What I'm going to say is going to sound silly, but its totally true!!!

Look at how you are feeling as though you are on a scale....

-100______-50______0_______50________100

And right now, you are like -1,259,956 (or something)....just because you are feeling so down...and on a good day, you feel like maybe at -100, but you are still in the negatives...right?

If you keep on trying....and keep on working....you will eventually have another time where on a good day, you will feel 1,259,956 on the positive side, and on a bad day, feel at positive 100.

Life has its way of balancing things out....it always does. But you can't give up. (If you give up, then this theory doesn't work) The worse you feel, means that you should have more hope, because its that much more of a good day/life that you are eventually going to experience. In a way...I envy you

Life will never give you so much, that you literally cannot take it any more. Its the depression that puts you that direction.

Here is a suggestion, read some books by Dale Carnegie. The one I am looking at right now is "How to enjoy your life and your job" I know you probably aren't having issues with your job, but what the book reads actually applies to more than just your job, and I think applies to your situation. Here is the table of contents:

1. Find yourself, Be yourself, remember, there is no one else on earth like you.

2. Four good working habits that will help you prevent fatigue and worry

3. What makes you tired--and what you can do about it

4. How to banish the boredom that produces faigue worry, and resentment.

5. Would you take a million dollars for what you have?

6. Remember, no one ever kicks a dead doc.

7. Do this--and criticism can't hurt you

8. If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive

9. The big secret of dealing with people

10. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

11. Do this and you will be welcome anywhere

12. How to make people like you instantly

13. A sure way of Making enimies--and how to avoid it

14. The high road to a man's reason

15. The secret of Socrates

16. How to get co-operations

17. An appeal that everybody likes

18. How to criticize--and not be hated for it

19. talk about your own mistakes first

20. No one likes to take orders

21. Let the other man save his face

Now I know this is long, and some of the chapters might sound criticizing to your situation, but a lot of what his books say has helped me through my depression (I was suicidal once too!!) Let me know if there is anything else I can offer. I feel like I have personally come a long way. I would love to help out in whatever way I can

I really hope you get this, I know it's been a while since your post! I just felt the need to tell you how much I can relate to your life. I got teary eyed while reading your story because (except for a few minor details) it was scary how close it was to most of what I have been handed in life and what I am still living. And I can confidently say that despite how you view yourself, your children think the world of you (and will continue to). No mother is flawless and as your children grow, they will understand what you are dealing with. No amount of money can replace you!!!!! As for the housework, etc. it won't go anywhere....I know it's hard, but it might help if you try not to sweat that stuff. What's important, (in my opinion) is that when you do have the strength to give something, it be spent enjoying your kids. It's sounds like you didn't get much time, if any, to just be a kid. I found that I can enjoy my childhood with my babies since that was stolen from me. You might be surprised how much good it can do, for you as well as your kids. As for your man not "believing" in depression, I think he needs to open his eyes. Proof of it's existanse is right in front of him and if he can't see it maybe he doesn't "believe" in denial, either. Just because you've been through alot in your life doesn't make you less of a meaningful person for being depressed about it. Not that it's fair, but it gets overwhelming at times (understandably). And if he isn't compassionate and supportive, he's only adding to it.

If it's not part of the sollution....it's part of the problem.

I hope this does a little good for you!

Hello, all.

I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading my post, thinking about me, and writing me a response.

Sometimes, I think we all are just so hungry for someone to listen to us...to have someone tell us that we matter.

Thank you so much.

I am still battling, but, fortunately for me and my kids - I'm on an upswing. New job, money in my pocket, clean house.

I just wish I knew it could last. But, it never does...I always sabotage what is going well for me....and I really have no idea why.

Nothing ever lasts forever, but you can encourage good things to keep on happening. Good for you!!!