I want to kill myself - not because im unhappy

To Rain Man.

I'm sorry, I do not understand the function of posting, this is my first time. Mr Man, I lost my father at the age of 14, i identified his body in the morgue, he was a great man then become an abusive violent alcoholic, I now live with my mother, I'm aged 28 and feel shame also living with her. I have a lack of god, faith and everything else you can imagine. I studied the path of creativity, film, media and even computer science, I am currently studing a degree in fine art. Creating things helps me some what, but i'm never happy, i feel angry all of the time. towards my mother sometimes, but i understand its only through my own frustration at myself. afterall she is the one that got me to this point, she loves me, but it's time to leave, i'm scared too, but i have to leave for my own sanity, i cant blame my life on my father or mother or my older brother. You know that Rain man. * * * * trying to get help from else where, you know it comes from within. when you find it, help me help myself...N.

Only just noticed how dam old this thread is! anyway if i can help, anyone, leave a message, I WILL GET BACK TO YOU.

hi, i hope you are well.

i just want to say that you are a very intelligent person. i understand how you feel and your analology about life and the purpose of life. i hope you find yourself at peace and a better path to life. i hope someone positive may come into your life and share something much greater for you.

best wishes where ever you may be. i joined this forum just to share my thoughts with you.

take care.

jj.

Rain Man,

I find it interesting that you have cast off so many ideas based on your logic, but then make some pure assumptions on life.

Here is a question I pose to you.. Perhaps the purpose of life is you find your purpose. I challenge you to do two things.

1) Get out of your house. You have been stuck in your room for two years and it has messed with your reality. How can you make assumptions on the rest of the world, when you don't see or interact with it?

2) Find a non-profit or some organization and donate your time. Go try to make a difference is someone's life. I think you will start to see some value and purpose in your own.

You have no excuse not to try this...... What do you have to lose if everything means nothing.

Good luck my friend and I hope you find your way.

Dear Mister Rainman,

A dear friend of mine killed himself three years ago. I think it was on his third attempt. It worked, but I am pretty sure, he changed his mind in the afterlife, and wished that he had not done such a thing. "such a thing" I act as if it is not an option in this life: you have the option to kill yourself, we all do, some may even say it is euthanasia for the mind.

I once had a deep depression, it lasted for about seven years, off and on, at its worst I was sleeping 17 hours a day, at its best I fell in love, (with the friend who killed himself). I never attempted suicide, though I day dreamed about it, and every now and then day dream about it again, I got on meds, and the meds work sometimes and sometimes they don't, I found the craziest most suicidal therapist, who did the one thing all the other therapists could not do, and that was, she made me feel less alone, but... she was crazy, so I do not recommend that route, I even got a masters degree in psychology, though I did not become a therapist.

You may be too tired to do anything, but you might want to consider some medicine, it may work, it may not. When I was sleeping 17 hours a day, I found this one book, that helped me you can read it online: you can google it: It is titled:

How to Heal Depression by Bloomfield and McWilliams.

The two guys who wrote this also suffered intense depression, intense depression is the numbness you are talking about. Some say it feels like a cloud in your head, my cloud was slate gray.

I hope this helps. May you one day feel okay. Many blessings to all of you reading this post...

Nothing really means anything. Status is nothing. Someone acting like they are better is backed by nothing. The only thing there is in this world is beliefs. We get lost and we see how empty it all is and we get sad. Its hard to get back but you have to remember what you believe in because what you believe is the only thing that is real or could be real in your life. Its hard to believe in those things when you feel so far from them but that is what keeps you sane and lets you live the way you want to.

My father shot himself. I was 20 years old and just starting to get closer to him after my angry teenage years. Its been 5 years exactly and everything is surreal I have developed horrible social anxieties that terrify people. I can't stop thinking everyone hates me and is trying to make my life more miserable. What's even worse is they think I am doing this on purpose and they treat me like a criminal. My intentions are good I don't want to harm anyone, I always try to be kind and helpful, which makes it hurt so much more. Its not just in this town but the whole city, state, probably country. It hurts so much, I am such a failure, How can I amount to anything when there is a whole world out there that wants to push me down!?? I deserve to die don't I?

You deserve to live.

Living like that is no life and thinking like that isn't normal. It may not be a 'mental' issue, but its definitely a psychological issue you need to address.

It sounds like you have paralyzed yourself and your 'life' by using the negative experiences and thoughts that have occurred throughout your life to confirm and reaffirm that life just stinks and wasn't meant for you.

Most 'normal' people when they reach an empasse in life think to themselves that they have two choices - staying where they are in a miserable life OR to pick themselves up and make positive changes so the don't remain in that rut or spiral down further into misery and despair. You have not done that.

You have decided that you have a third option-suicide and think "yes well I can always kill myself, I'll always have THAT option if things get too difficult, cr*ap etc" And guess what, it's BECAUSE you have that third option that life really has become that difficult and cr*p.

Remove that option for yourself- tell yourself that its not an option for you anymore, its not your decision, it's out of your hands and that its not because your mother is guilt-tripping you (deep down you know its not because of her) because its only when that option is removed that you seriously you start looking for other options and start asking yourself "What am I going to do now that I am going to be around from a very long time?"

I think that CBT could help you greatly to enable you change your thoughts, and in time change your life as every day as you grow and learn life will change and get better for you, not in the short term but the long term.

before i tell u anything,i ll tell about myself.

my greatest wish was to be like OTHER people. they seemed to have a user manual how to live, i didn't.since the day i can think, i ve been trying to formulate a reasonable philosophy to live.

i read some of the replies, people telling to borrow someone's philosophy,accept concepts like god, soul..., i can't. if i have visual errors, i ll get my set of opticals, not someone else' . the concept of god seems illogical,unacceptable.

i m not keen on pursuing my suicidal ideations, 'coz i know its the end, blame my instincts, but i know death s waiting, and i m gaining anything more, but,i want to live, like others, i want to be obsessed about something and run to it.

25 yrs of life, 10 years being successful in the rat-race, 8 years interacting with humans[being a surgeon],3 years of self-analysis, i m still lost.

what if i dont find my reasons? others may come up with a disorder , say, RAINMAN syndrome.no one probably will ever understand me, all i have now is a life with no meaning , no purpose at all.

all i do is make a choice,every moment, every breath,to try to live or die.

Well it might not be the most comforting advice. But the only reason I havnt ended my life is just because I dont know whats next. the way I look at it is. Which is worse,, total nothingness,and blackness or this miserable existence I can call my life. I mean when I get real close to ending it all I think to myself. Would I rather live and suffer and feel things or die and feel and be nothing. The nothingness of death is the only thing that prevents me from suicide. And the not no ing of after life is the only thing that prevents me from murder. I have no conscious, I dont want to live, but I dont want to become nothing.

Your points on Rain Man are right on. You make lots of sense. But I feel that you have no real suicidal impulses at all. You are just pissed because you have everthing you thought you wanted and that it will all end soon. You dont want suicide. You want immortallity.... tell me im wrong

I will not pretend to know you. I don't. I don't know what you have been through, I only know that it has destroyed you or else you wouldn't be leaving posts like this.

I think your description of the human race in general is correct. People are selfish, ignorant, and hateful. All they care about is themselves and what they can use other people for. But there are a few...not many, but a precious FEW that aren't.

As far as God goes....shouting isn't going to work. In fact if you read the Bible He actually warns against asking Him to jump through hoops like that. He isn't going to come when you call like a delivery man. He doesn't have anything to prove to anyone who is just trying to disprove Him anyways. God will show you what you need to see. When you need to see it.

As for your father and what he's done. I don't know and you are the only one that can deal with that. But I do understand to a point. My birth-parents weren't nice people. I have scars from them that will never go away. But I don't let that part of my life dictate the rest of it. One thing that I have found helps is talking. Talking about what happened. How you feel about what happened. Placing the blame where it belongs instead of on yourself. Which I have a feeling may be happening.

Everyone is alone. No one belongs to anyone else. The only people in your life that you are ever going to belong with are the people you can be completely and utterly yourself with. The people that know your past and love you for it. The people that know your flaws and don't care. Until then, you're better off being alone.

Hi Rain Man,

I am new to this board but I was googling a question and it brought me to this post so I joined the board. When I read your post, I thought it was a trick because they are the same thoughts that have been in my mind lately so I thought it was someone writing my innermost thoughts down and it sure wasn't me. Today I got out of bed, that alone for me is a struggle. I am not here to give you advice, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel and wonder the same things. If you would like to talk more about this, drop me a line.

Monique

I was also googled the terms "I want to kill myself" and I got to this board and I am glad that I did find it.

This is for Rain Man and everyone and myself

I'm 25 and I'm a guy that believes in everything but for the last 8 9 months it as been hell.Its like a darkness black hole in my heart and it is getting bigger every day like I lost everything that I lived for.Everyday is the same story in my head......why did I left my job that I could do anything in my spare time without thinking....can't work out anymore because of the money....can't draw anymore because I have no more time......the only thing I have is making music.....I want to die because I chop my life to 3/4 of what I was doing......I didn't expect people to be that depressed about what life can be after leaving my job......the world is completely out of control.......everything is about making money and screw up your positive spiritual emotions......its all about coming in and coming out to your job and care for nothing else.....etc

why quitting my job that I really loved and felt safe for a job that I really hate.Its not related just to the job but also related to what I was doing in my personal life.Its worst, I just don't know how to express this feeling but all I can say its like a big living nightmare but still alive.Trying my best to replace this black and empty hole with music and art somehow to make me feel better or safe but the next day is the same negative thinking.But in the end I know somehow that I need to stay alive because I believe that many other people that I don't know yet will need my energy of life to continue there passage to fulfill there dreams.If I do kill myself everything changes and some will quit there dreams.You live for others even if you never saw them in you entire life.Just the FAQ that your still alive in the motion of energy makes them live.A girl that your suppose to met that brings you to another completely different world that you never thought before.She is met to be with you but if you left your physical form of life she will loose the guy that she dreamed about every day,which is in the same situation that you have.

All of these thoughts keeps me alive because I know something will come up and inspire me beyond anything I have never thought before could be or seen from nowhere.Its like a glimpse of believing in life like what I wrote now.I never thought that I would write this much when I started to write this.Maybe there's a reason for it to help you or others that I will never met.

It keeps me thinking that if I was gone I wouldn't enjoy writing this but I did.It all comes to creation and being patience and wait.It feels good to write but at the beginning it was not quite positive.Even if my writing is confusing to others.What matters is to express ourselves through this gift that life have to offer.Don't have to believe in god or Jesus, all I say is to believe in ourselves for others.You can see how my text changed to negative to positive.Its all the same with your life, you may be negative and posest by depression but positive emotions will come like the text I wrote.Just be patience

again sorry for the writing

Skrob

if anyone wants to talk and express what you feel please feel free to ask or pm and I will send you and add you on msn messenger

hello Hunnie you Okay...? Can I have your msn addy rain man...?

if not add me....

huggs-and-kisses@hotmail.co.uk

xxxxxx Lots of love emma xxxx

since you have studied science and philosophy and all these different things extensively looking for meaning i propose a challenge to you. i have proved mathematically that any and all numbers are equal to any and all other numbers. i have to use the square root of negative one to do this but i figured it out. because of this finding of mine i have also found that the law of conservation of energy and of matter do not exist. if E=mcsquared and c is a constant number then it can be equal to 0. if c=0 then E =0 therefore matter and energy can be created and destroyed.

so i challenge you to find out how to do this. i promise that if you figure out how to create or destroy energy or matter in a real life scenerio your life will have meaning.... not to mention the nobel prize and so much money you will not know what to do with it.

i mean... what have u got to loose even if you cant figure it out? you waste some time that you already want to spend being dead?

ps. if you dont understand any of this shoot me a message and i can explain them in detail. i'm just assuming that you will understand these terms that i am using since you have studied them.

I don't know if anyone else noticed these things, but Rainman only had two posts ever, in this thread, which was back on march 11, 2004. I'm pretty sure he actually went through with killing himself.

I don't know if anyone else noticed these things, but Rainman only had two posts ever, in this thread, which was back on march 11, 2004. I'm pretty sure he actually went through with killing himself.

The fact he did not return to the forum does not mean he went through with it. People post and then never return here all the time.

I have witnessed it, going out, seeing people walk about oblivious to everything. I have seen the superficiality and artificiality of people. I have seen the summit of the ignorance of people - not in just a few, but in almost all. I have seen how they hurt each other, and are completely absorbed with self. It's like watching sheep graze fields.

 

They cannot help it, it's engraved in their small minds. They cannot transcend their in-the-box-thinking. If people could help each other, this would be a much more conductive socieity. However, I have witnessed it myself, how much people are willing to help

for one thing Rainman i'm extremely impressed by your intelligence and especially of how the universe works like how we create our realities, manifestation etc... and you should be proud of yourself for that

As far as how you perceive people in the world i'm going to drop a quote that holds true to my heart and I think it will make some sense to you logically judging by your postings..."You have to be the change you wish to see in the world"

if you really think about that with the knowledge of knowing you are the master of your mind and you can manifest things/illusions or with the power of your mind then you will be a master of life and not a victim, but you have to find the tools to make that change in your life cause no one else will do it for you, you just have to keep looking(I know its easier said than done, especially when you're in a state of depression that robs all enthusiasm, energy, excitement, passion) but I think somehow you can relate to that and take something from it, i wish you nothing but the best Rainman and I'm pulling for you, maybe you can get soemthing out of these articles

link removed

link removed

link removed

link removed

Hi,

I hear you. I read a novel called 'Somewhere carnal over 40 winks' and it helped me a lot. Especially, it opened my eyes to see the bigger picture of life. I hope this book gives you the answer you are after or something even better.

Hi Rain man,

I know exactly how you feel. I also, am aware there is no real purpose in life, we are just lumps of molecules slowing building, degrading and reforming over time. The extent of our life means nothing, and it makes no difference whether we choose to exist in it or not. I have tried very hard to find anything to dispute this, but there is just no proof of meaning. I have contemplated suicide many times, eaching time failing to do so. Just like every other human being, regaurdless of how much I suffer, it is extremely difficult to physicaly hurt myself. So over the last few years I have though about it a little bit more, and I have come to a different conclusion. While life is yes, inevitably meaningless and empty; It is most likely the only one you will ever get. Now that is not to say that should give you some kind of instant ambition to change your life, because it won't, but it's a start. Each day evalutate what you do, and whether or not it causes you pleasure or pain. This is the base of our existence, seeking pleasure, avoiding pain. For example, If living with your mother makes you miserable, then get out of there. You are not responsible for her happiness, only your own. If she chooses to be codependant than she will lead a miserable life out of her own free will, not by your actions. I know it is difficult to just up and leave, because I am sure you care for her and do not want to see her hurt, but you can't let her make you suffer so she can live in some delusion of stability and eternal motherhood. I hope this helps a little bit. Just take one day at a time, and do something every day that is pleasurable to you.