I want to kill myself - not because im unhappy

Hi,

I am here because, I want to know how to overcome my dilemma of commiting suicide. I have had a hellish life, everday from, 1 to 24, I have seen hell. However it is not the hell, that is driving me to suicide. It is the absolute lack of purpose in life. No matter what I do, I just can't fill this emptiness inside me. I have tried everything, socializing, pursuing interests, academia, relationships, activities. Yet, no matter what I do, I am always feeling empty, chasing winds, running like a gerbil on a wheel, getting nowhere - a state that is not either living, or dead, somewhere in between. Absolutely nothing to drive me. It's painful to continue to live like this. For 2 years, I have gone into isolation, living with my single mother, I have not even stepped out of the house. I have become quite a burden on her, and she on me. I have told her, how much pain I am enduring by living, but she emotionally blackmails me, telling me, how much I will hurt her, if I commited suicide, how selfish I will be, and how she will do the same, If I do. She says she understands my pain, but whenever I discuss suicide, she lashes out at me instantly, and it's always the same selfish desire, "Don't hurt me, you hurt me when you say that" I have stopped discussing this issue with her, and this has given her some false sense of security, that as long as I'm not talking about it, everything is ok. It's not OK; it never was.

The fact, that im confined in the 4 walls of my room, and that I am doing nothing, and that I am hurt is irrelavant to her. You know the extent, of how much she does not understand me? She brings food to me every few hours, sometimes fruit, sometimes dinner, sometimes take-away, and I tell her, I feel insulted, that she's doing this. Yet, she does it anyway, even when I repeat my words to her everytime. She's actually physically rendered me inert, as she mothers me, nutures me, that I cannot even amass the energy to do anything anymore. She is content in doing this, and continuing this, feeding me, keeping my alive, assuring herself, "I am ok" and playing on the role of mother for an indefinite period of time, when she cannot understand how it's actually hurting me, bruising my self-worth and ego, and making it much harder for me to end my life. She has even got me psychiatric help, and she naively believes, they are going to cure me. When there is nothing wrong with my mental health, something even they testify too. It is just my philosophy of life, that is not compatible with me leading a successfull life.

Whenever I arise the will to kill myself, I am faced with the dilemma of my mother. Yet, if I live, im living, only to keep her content, but for myself, all I have to endure is pain, sustained pain, for the rest of my life. Then there is another part of me, that actually wants to live, and find meaning in life. I have researched extensively, into science, religion, consciousness, reincarnation, soul, to find the purpose in life. Yet, it has only further proved there is none. In fact, our very existence is just an illusion in an infinite space time continum, that consists of infinite realities and infinite parallel realities.

I wish there was a switch, I could just flick, and cease to exist. It's just not that easy. I need to make an effort to commit suicide, and I just can't make that effort. Is there something I can do, that will just end me, instantly. I thought about jumping of a high-rise building, but I do not have the impetus to make myself do that. I want something that will put me to sleep, and from which I will never wake up again. I don't want to feel physical pain. I have endured pain all my life, and I don't want to willingly become a center of pain.

I know I have to come terms with death, as it is a certain event in life, and it's easier when death comes to you, but I can't wait that long - I want to go to death myself. Yet making this choice is not easy for me, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please offer me advice.

Hey Rain Man,

First off, I just want to say is the only person who can help you is you… You can have all the advice in the world but you're the only person who can help you… You are in tremendous pain, and I can understand to a certain degree of where you're coming from because I too have had those types of feelings… You have said that you have had a hellish life from 1 to 24…No matter how hellish your life has been, you can't change the past, but what you can do is change the present & the future… Perhaps even work from that to become a stronger person...

Instead of waking up everyday, wondering when your life is going to get better, and dwelling on negative thoughts… Wake-up and be like today is the day, where everything is going to change for the better… You have to change your thinking… Your own thoughts are very powerful, and in a way they can dictate to where your life is going to lead you… One can only go after far as his or own thoughts… There is a preacher by the name of Joel Olsten, who says, 'don't be the victim be the victor'… I believe this to heart because in life, you are the one determines your own success… Think of it as this, today is the day, where I'm going to get that new job, today is the day where I'm going to get my own place, today is the day where I'm going to find something that I'm passionate about, today is the day where I am going to overcome this battle… Start by making some goals, make some big ones, and make some little ones which can lead you to the point of where you want to be… You say that you have been in isolation for two years, do you think that this just may be a comfort zone, or perhaps a fear? If it is fear don't let it hold you back from enjoying life… Sometimes you have to view negative thoughts, as an enemy, you have to be strong and don't let the enemy win the battle…

Your mother cares for you, and loves you… Do you know that your lucky to have that? Seriously, self inflicting harm will not only hurt you, but it will cause tremendous pain on your mother… I could see why you have stopped discussing the issue with her, but have you tried a way to release these feelings that you get through a creative outlet… I personally paint, and after I am done with a painting it's a tremendous release… You should definitely find a creative outlet, whether its writing, drawing, painting, or music… It works wonders, and can be very healing… Perhaps even go for a run, it releases happy chemicals in your brain… Anther tip to boost serotonin (happy chemical) drink lots of milk, eat lots of strawberries, and eat a lot of turkey…

You say that there is nothing wrong with you,

It is just my philosophy of life, that is not compatible with me leading a successfull life.

This may be true, and this is why you have to change the way you think… Life is good… When you get a negative thought, threw it out, and replace it with a stronger positive one... God put you here for a reason… What if it was to overcome, this feeling about life, that you have… Don't give up there is help out there, and one day you will be happy. It's just going to take some time and hard work, just like anything else… Please don't give up… But try to work on this, and try to improve yourself… Maybe even purchase some self-help books, and maybe join a support group. Who knows what you can accomplish if you get over this obstacle… Only you can overcome your dilemma of committing suicide, and you already taken your first step by posting… So are you ready to make that next step?

Be Strong & Love Yourself...

If you have any further questions, I would be happy to answer them… I hope that I could help…

Hi, and welcome to the board. I don't know how old you are and I don't know what the "hell" and the "pain" is that you refer to. I can tell you that I had many of the same feelings before several years ago. I would suggest you try and figure out how you got to this point. Was it a set of bad experiences? Have you been tested for a chemical imbalance? Seriously, that might be part of your problem, and there are pills to help you with that. I do believe suicide is an extremely selfish thing. You hurt the people that care about you most and you deny people you have never met from benefiting from meeting you. You also do an injustice to people who, if they were so lucky as to have what you have, would not be so quick to throw it away. I hope I can help you see some light at the end of the tunnel. The greater effort is in living, not killing yourself, but it is so well worth it!

First of all, you need an attitude adjustment. You say that your problem is your philosophy on life. Well, then change it. Yes, you can, because you have control over how you think! How do you know that there is no purpose in life? Obviously, you do not really believe that or you would not still be here still searching for a meaning. Meaning in life cannot be proved by conventional scientific means, but I don't see how anyone can deny that there is purpose in life. There is no reason for anything to exist if there is no purpose in life. The fact that we are here---there has to be a reason. Personally, I see this purpose through my belief in God.

Don't blame your mom. She is only afraid of losing you and trying to show how much she loves you. She may not understand fully what you are going through, but that does not mean she does not love you and is showing it in the way she knows how. I agree, she's not doing what is best for you by doing everything for you, but it is not because she doesn't want the best for you.

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Life sucks sometimes! But, trust me, look around, just turn on the t.v., and you will see that you have it much better than most anyone else in the world. There are others that are born with deficiencies (physical, mental) and circumstances (political, economical) that they can never overcome and which makes it impossible to fully live. I know you know that. Judging from the thoughtfulness of your post, you have a very good mind. No doubt, you could do ANYTHING you wanted to. You should feel damn lucky to have a life in which you have been given so much. Just because you don't see any purpose now, there is one if you're willing to accept it. Everyone has a purpose, no matter how seemingly small. You don't see your purpose because you don't believe you have one. Purpose in life comes from the relationships we have with others in the world. Focus on who you are as a person. Focus on what you have to offer, what you can GIVE to other people. You are searching for this great illusive purpose in life, but giving, giving love, that is the greatest purpose in life.

I would suggest you just take each day as it comes and make the most of it. Wake up every morning with a smile on your face. When you go to wash your face in the mirror every morning, take a deep breath and smile. Tell yourself how thankful you are to see another day. Hopefully, with time, the smile and the words will come naturally. You must make yourself get out of the house. This was a struggle for me at first, but I got tired of feeling the way I was feeling, so I forced myself to change, and with time things have gotten so much easier and better. Give all you can of yourself each day, don't let the small stuff get you down, and keep on going. You will get hurt, there will be those times you wish you had ended it all, but the good times that come out of the time you allowed yourself to have on this earth will more than be worth it. I know in the world today it's easy to be cynical, but just live for those moments when the world is good. Try and create as many of those good moments yourself, in your own life, with your mom, with your family, friends, and people you meet on the street. There are so many people right now going through what you are going through. There are so many people living a private hell. You never know the impact you have when you reach out to a stranger, even if it's just saying a friendly "hello". There are people in this world that are quietly crying out for someone to reach out to them. There are people in this world that need you—they are your purpose.

I sincerely hope you find meaning in life. You have the potential and the power to do so much! Feel free to private message me if you wish.

Hi again,

Thank you for the kind words. While I understand what you are saying, I do not completely agree. Yes, I am the master of myself, and with my thoughts I can dictate my life. Which also means, I am the master of my thoughts, with them I can create a divergent reality to subjugate the reality I see today.

I am not unhappy, and this is not about being happy. I have been happy, and I have been sad, and I have alternated between these two emotional states thoughout my life, with more unhappiness of course. It is about that at all. It's about life and its purpose. I only seem to be existing for nothing. As long as I am consciouss, I can sense my reality, when I am not, I cease to exist. I see, my immediate reality and the reality of the past, and I cringe, at how viciously people are and have been treated.

You said, I should go out, amongst people. Make relationships. I have, and I have not liked people. I think they are superficial, selfish, ignorant, sheep. I feel uncomfortable in their company.

You both, have mentioned God. I am sorry, but I do not believe in God. I also have no reason to believe God, and I have disproven, for myself, all popular models of God logically. I have even shouted out aloud to your God, to show himself to me - I've had no answer, and how could I, when there is none there to answer me.

Death comes to all, this is an absolute truth. When it comes, how it comes, no one knows. Everyday, and in every demographic, people are dying; some young, some old, some poor, some rich, some unhappy, some happy. So it is irrelavant, wether I am living or dying. What is the point of accumulating luxuries, experiences in life, when it all evaporates?

You are saying, I should set goals and making meaning of life, subjective to me. I have done that, and it has still not filled that empiness inside me. My ailment is not happiness, but purpose. I want purpose, real objective purpose, of why I am existing or seem to exist.

I look around me, and see a room, with objects, just sitting there, with no apparant purpose. They are physicial manifestations of space/time, like I am, their worth is as much as mine is, and their worth to me, is none. Just to know, that my consciousness is just an illusion, and that I do not really matter, I am just here for nothing, unsettles me, it shakes me.

You have to exist, because biologically, you are equipt with a mechanism to keep you surviving. You create false meanings and goals to supplement that mechanism, so you have meaning, a drive, to live. Much like the computer I am typing on, has to be stay on, until I turn it off.

What is your meaning, tell me? 1 in 6 billion people; zillions of living organisms, infinite manifestations. Zilch. Why do you think it has meaning? When everyday, you step on another living organism, and cease its existence - what was it's meaning? to be crushed by you? I am not being negative, or positive even, I am awakening to reality.

My existence in this vast cosmos is insignigicant, it makes no difference. I am but a particle of a particle of a particle of a particle of a particle ad infinitum of this universe.

I just want to sleep, and never wake up again. That is all I want. This reality, and I mean the objective reality, is not compatible with me. I have a right to my life, and no one can tell me, I am being selfish, because the irony of life is, we are all selfish, using others for our own agendas. I have witnessed it, going out, seeing people walk about oblivious to everything. I have seen the superficiality and artificiality of people. I have seen the summit of the ignorance of people - not in just a few, but in almost all. I have seen how they hurt each other, and are completely absorbed with self. It's like watching sheep graze fields.

They cannot help it, it's engraved in their small minds. They cannot transcend their in-the-box-thinking. If people could help each other, this would be a much more conductive socieity. However, I have witnessed it myself, how much people are willing to help. In a world, where millions of malnourised children are dying everyday, there is the rest of the world folk, whose priorities lie in getting satisfaction, or gratification. I have witnessed it my own life too, how when I needed help, how people turned away. For instance, when my father was hurting me and my mother, how as a child, we had to run out every night to a "friends" house, who just listened to our problems, like it's some soap opera, and then told us to leave. Knowing fully well, we would have nowhere to go. Then we went from place to place around the country, getting the same treatment from "friends" I can remember this distinctly, "This is your problem, we don't want to get involved" I have seen how the police could not help us either. This is why the popular mentality, "Help yourself" comes in, which further reinforces how alone everyone is. I have gone through hell in my life, and if you hear it, you'll be horrified. However, I do not want to narrate my life here.

Where this leaves my mother, will become irrelavant. When I die, I cease to exist. I cannot sense my guilt, or her misery, thereafter. When we have pain, we take painkillers, or try to alleviate the pain. My pain is life, pure and simple as that, and I need to kill my pain - kill my life - kill myself. I am simply not compatible with life, and asking me to change my philosophy, is like asking me, to lie to myself.

hi rainman, i feel i can understand you lots of my thoughts are like you, is there anything here does anyone really understand,i have lots of pain in my life i have two kids 12 13 my 13 yr old is very depressed had lots of hurt in his life,he told me he got tablets out and sat down with them,it really hurt me especially as i have done the same, i am still very depressed but with another thing to think about, we have lots of counciling, take meds, sometime it works sometime it doesnt.if you understood what we have been through it would make it easier for you to see why. when my dad died i wanted to be with him, when my son wanted to i realised i am needed. he must need me he told me, i couldnt bear the thought of him not being here i feel that would push me over the edge.we are trying to work things out, i think its just picking one thing out of your head at a time and deal with that first, mine at the moment is my son i wont leave him alone not yet but maybe in time.

I am obviously not an expert in issues regarding mental health/well being. You've said that it's not about happiness, I can understand that. For years I felt like I was waiting for my black, sun cracked soul to come alive...like there was nothing, no point to life, so why live it. I felt like you for a long time, but now I'm glad I hung on, because I promise you if you hang on you will find the purpose of your life.

You speak much of the selfish nature of people, and that you've tried making relationships, is it possible that you've just met the wrong people? Until I met my friends in college, I never realized what a true friend was, that helped me "awaken." You mention the plight of most people in this world, the ones that have nothing, no food, shelter or water...Have you thought about joining some sort of charitable organization or the peace corp? Maybe by doing something to help people our world so selfishly sets aside you could bring purpose to your life.

One problem I think with the concept of "the purpose in life" is that too many people take it as this religious, all encompassing purpose that everyone shares...I don't think it is, I feel that the purpose in life comes from an individuals desires, most of the time we have to take time to find these desires...much like dating we have to date a couple people before we can figure out what exactly it is we want.

I just ask that you try to get out and find what it is you want, what it is that will awaken your soul...I did and now I love my life more than I ever thought possible...for me it was music and helping people less fortunate than me.

"Live life, experience all you can, for experiences never die with a person...but are passed down through the generations."

Hope I've helped you see some light, I've been where you are and never thought I'd be where I am, but now that I'm here I'm so relieved I didn't stop trying. Best of luck, talk to me anytime you want!

Hi Rainman,

I am Archith from Chennai,India.

I know a guy who was on the verge of suicide, but something miraculous happened to him and he happens to be(I believe) the greatest living saint today-Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart lives in Vancouver,Canada. His book called the "Power of Now" is a New York Times bestseller. Read it. It was a revelation to me. His follow-up book-"Stillness Speaks" is also superb.

But get your hands onto "Power of Now" first. I'm sure you can shake off the ideas of suicide. I recommend this book to all the people on this planet. If you(or any other member of these forums) find the book useful,

then I implore you to recommend it to others who are in trouble.

Cheers....

go to las vegas and get laid. -~enough said~-

I know how you feel.Its how i feel most of the time,most of my life,not sad just a constant state of indifference and disinterest. People can try and mend you but just end up smothering you.

Ultimately death is your choice,you're already living a sort of death noone can resurrect you out of that.You see things on a logical physical line, not on a spiritual one,you live off reason noone can change that.If you believe that you're just electricty and matter then that's all you are.I see death as a state,an option not a physical absolution.

I can see from what you write, that you've accumulated enormous amounts of wisdom and knowledge about life and the world,that you know stuff.Despite what society says this is the most valuable thing you will ever hope to own.Some of the greatest thinkers on the planet,the greatest musicians,artists,the ones we never forget were deeply suicidal or insane etc etc and spent the majority of there life going beyond life - wondering what the point of it was ,looking for a higher understanding and suffered to gain some new truth out of life,this is a noble, meaningful undertaking it has made other peoples lives more meaningful.

Nobody knows why they bothered ,or why anyone bothers doing anything,I still dont know.

You've established that happiness,meaning etc or contentment or whatever in life doesnt come from an external source,from other people,from ambition,fufilment,love etc etc,these things are worthless ultimately.You cant get a sense of meaning from anything outside yourself,be glad that you know this fact,the majority of the world doesn't.

Modern life for the most part is meaningless ,the real meaning behind of all of this crap is somewhere inside you.If You were born to be here for some unknown crucial reason you'll find out eventually wether you stay or go.

A hard hellish life is bound to be more interesting then a safe smooth one.Happiness is its own end, a harder life helps you to see life for what it is, your suffering in darknesses most people would'nt venture near, means that you have been affected and shaped and changed and ultimately that helps to affect,shape and change other people, it brings back new insights.Noone can tell you why you should be alive ,you dont have to be its a choice,a state.I dont have the answers.

So you think that this life has no meaning or purpose? You say that you have tried to find answers through religion, and science, but have you tried to finding a purpose from GOD, not religion but GOD. Well you might ask is He real, ok let's suppossed that He does not exists and that this life it's everything we have and there is nothing more but live, eat, and die. Well in that case live your life and each day as if there is not tomorrow try to find something that you like and pursue it. But let's assume that there is a God, and thereforeeee there will be a hell and heaven. So if we put logic into this, if there is no God there is nothing to loose in life, but if there is a God then it means that this world it's not over yet. Hey man he really loves you, you might think that he does not care about you and that is why you feel the way you feel, but do yourself a favor walk out of your house tonight and look up on the sky and when you find the brightest start and know that start is up there for only one reason and that is YOU. Religion and God are two different things, do not put your fate or hope in a church or organization 'cause it will always disappoint you, but trust God, and if you let God work in you he will, he will give mening to your life. Close your eyes and talk to him and he will listen. If you want to keep talking feel free to send me a private message.

Take care

Hugs

Karen

PS Me and my church youth group will be praying for you.

Hello Rain Man,

You searched the reason to live, and when couldn't find one, assumed there's no point to live. That's a common mistake. Albert Camus talks about this in his book "The Myth of Sisyphus : And Other Essays", in the chapter called "Absurtidy and suicide". He suggests that concluding life has no meaning does not necessarily suggest we should end them. I recommend that article. It doesn't try to give a reason to life, but instead talks about living without one.

I was once in your place. It was about 7 years ago, and I found no reason to live. I didn't know how to continue living, but I did. And looking back after 7 years, it was not so hard. Also, in this long period, I've had my share of good days. Not too many, but enough for me to know I've made the right decision.

When I realized I had no meaning, I couldn't find any reason to stay alive. Sure, I was affraid of hurting my family by commiting suicide, but it didn't seem to be enough. But life is more complex than that. We develop the instinct of survival long before we learn to think and search for reasons. thereforeeee, the instinct of survival is rather strong. So eventually I said "screw it, so there's no reason. who cares".

That was not as easy as it sounds. It took me years to be able to call what I do every day "living". But looking back - it was not that hard. It always looks harder during than after.

They tell us from childhood we must plan our future, accomplish this and that, aim for the stars, etc. - but if life has no meaning, none of this can be justified. Turns out we don't HAVE TO do anything. But it doesn't mean we can't.

So how do I live without a reason, you might ask. Well, first, I am curious. I am curious to see what will happen next, I am curious to learn more things, I am curious to meet new people with new ideas, etc. - curiosity doesn't sound like much, but it is a very powerful motive.

Second, there's the force of habbit. After living with no reason for enough time, you just get used to it. It seems almost natural. You don't wake up every morning trying to find a reason, you just wake up. Don't get me wrong here - they say "time makes it better" - I don't say that. Time doesn't make things better, but it does help you getting used to things as they are.

I can give you a magic solution, but I can give you some tips I follow:

1) make small steps. without a purpose, it is sometimes hard to justify big changes. so go for the small ones. those which requires little effort, and are easy to accomplish. walking in little steps is a perfectly good way of moving forward.

2) don't depend on others too much. like you said, people sometimes run away. that's why depending on them could get you disappointed. always be careful not to depend on anyone too much.

3) don't go telling everyone we have no reason to live. people don't like to know that, or don't like to me reminded of that. people don't like thinking of big issues that can shake their lives. you can talk to them about so many other issues, just to pass time, but leave the problematic topics out. there are people like you out there. some are here on this forum. you can always talk to us about the real issues. this advice has a big advantage - you can get what you want more easily, as people respond better when you don't scare them. don't think of it as being artificial - it is just that most people don't like addressing issues that cause them pain.

4) Enjoy the little things in life - like listening to music, reading, watching movies, playing games, sports, etc. - sure, none of them have any meaning, but they can still bring you a little bit of joy. Each of them on its own doesn't help much, but combined together can do the trick. You'll be amazed of how fast time flies when you're doing things.

You said you don't like people, but you're missing something here - not every one is like you described. As I already mentioned, most people don't like discussing the "big issues", sometimes because it scares them or make them uncomfortable. I understand that, and accept that. I also know that there are enough people that like you and me do think of "big issues". It is just harder to find them. But you can still find them, and talk to them. The internet is really helping that today, as you can find such people more easily.

As for the relation between pain and the lack of meaning of life - people often associate the two together. It is a false association. Sure, many people start looking for a reason because they are or were in pain, but that is only the trigger. I can understand what you mean when you say you are not unhappy. Someone I knew once told me I would have been better off if I were a "stupid little man". I didn't understand that at first. Then I did - if I didn't think so much, I would have tried to find a reason, and surely wouldn't fail finding one. thereforeeee, maybe I would be better off. But today - I disagree. I know you can't understand that now, but in a few years you'll realize it is better to know there is no reason than not knowing. It will take time - believe me, but one day you'll look back and realize - "hey, I've been alive for so long without any reason... wow... Guess I never needed one after all".

Now suppose some little boy will tell you "I understand there is no purpose in life. thereforeeee I am going to die". You will talk to him for hours, days, months. Eventually, he finds a job, gets married, have some kids. One day, years after that, he come to you and say "when I came to you back then, I had no reason to live. If it weren't for you, I might not be here today. Now I have a nice job, a great wife, and you know how much I love my children... thanks". Guess what - life has no meaning except for that we create for ourselves.

You said about other people that "They cannot help it, it's engraved in their small minds". Lets define the age at which a person realizes life has no meaning. Some realizes that sooner, some later, some die before they do. It seems you give less credit to the people who didn't realize that yet. I have some interesting insight for you on that matter - on that scale, you are better - you realized your truth faster than most. You are not alone. Many have realized they have no purpose, many others will realize it eventually. You have an edge on most - you already did. Now your life will never be the same. Sure, it seems like a problem now, but you can make it an advantage. All you have to do is to accept that.

Many years from now, maybe even centuries, people may become fully aware of our meaningless. As years pass by, scientists continue to investigate, philosophy continues to find more insight, and it is very likely that in the future, people would accept their meaningless nature. Now suppose a little child that is educated by his parents and teachers that life has no meaning. Do you really think one day the lack of meaning would seem weird to him/her ? It will be as obvious as everything else. You wouldn't imagine any some child to consider suicide because of that, would you? Same goes for you. Not having a purpose doesn't mean you shouldn't live. It seems that we are educated today to believe in a reason, and so it is harder to live without one. But trust me - living without one is just as easy and just as hard as it anything else. Life's not easy. Lacking a purpose doesn't make them any easier, but it doesn't make them harder either.

Our brain adapts to anything. It is quite amazing. You know how when you open a bottle of perfume you smell it at first, and later on the smell fades? Our brain adapts to the smell, and we stop feeling it. Even if we try hard, it becomes harder and harder to notice it is there. Well, surprisingly, it works on anything. Even if you can't think of anything else right now, and can't imagine how you can go on living with this void and lack of purpose, you'll see that year after year, you'll be bothered by that less and less. I'm now ~7 years from the moment it hit me, and I can promise you this - looking back, I can't pinpoint the point in time it stopped bothering me, but it did. Sure - I still don't like having no purpose, but I learned to live without one.

Someone I knew had a very interesting view on life. He too has realized he had no reason to live, but he used to say "I know life has no purpose, and that there is no reason for my existence. But while I'm here, who says I can't have some fun?".

Life can be hard, I know, but not because they serve no purpose.

I'd like to remind you again Albert Camus, who suggested that just because life is meaningless doesn't mean we should end it. There are life without a purpose. I live such a life. Many others too. No reason you shouldn't too.

Life is hard - there are so many excuses to commit suicide, yet there is not a single reason to live. Interesting challenge, isn't it? That is the beauty of life, my friend...

Best of luck,

Xavier w.

Life is hard - there are so many excuses to commit suicide, yet there is not a single reason to live. Interesting challenge, isn't it? That is the beauty of life, my friend...

A challenge you cannot win. Only a fool would accept such a challenge. And he/she has no other choice because he/she was forced into this world by two other fools... Isn't THAT interesing?

Jeremy

So u're waiting for a truth that really clicks for you so that you have the reason to live?

I don't understand why you're in search for knowledge. Are you waiting for a piece of knowledge that can cause significance in the real world that once you find it, you'll go full force on? or are you pretty much just browsing for the "purpose" and see how things go from there? Because humans are not meant to view the world so grand, or else they'll be trapped in the universe/particale concept and never get out of it

What struck me is that you already felt a sense of worthlessness before you read those non-fiction books. I do want to know your So u're waiting for a truth that really clicks for you so that you have the reason to live?

I don't understand why you're in search for knowledge. Are you waiting for a piece of knowledge that can cause significance in the real world that once you find it, you'll go full force on? or are you pretty much just browsing for the "purpose" and see how things go from there? Because humans are not meant to view the world so grand, or else they'll be trapped in the universe/particale concept and never get out of it

What struck me is that you already felt a sense of worthlessness before you read those non-fiction books. I think the hell you saw when you were 1-24 is important, if u can put in words what you see... We might gain some more insight to what you really want

Jer 20:14 Cursed be the day when I was born; Let the day not be blessed when my mother bore me!

Jer 20:15 Cursed be the man who brought the news To my father, saying, "A baby boy has been born to you!" And made him very happy.

Jer 20:16 But let that man be like the cities Which the LORD overthrew without relenting, And let him hear an outcry in the morning And a shout of alarm at noon;

Jer 20:17 Because he did not kill me before birth, So that my mother would have been my grave, And her womb ever pregnant.

Jer 20:18 Why did I ever come forth from the womb To look on trouble and sorrow, So that my days have been spent in shame?

====================================

I feel like this a lot. I feel empty and everything seems meaningless.

There was a time however, that I used to try to remedy my problems with elicit drug use. It seems that I felt so good on cocaine that I actually felt there was a purpose to life. On cocaine I felt good, and although it would be impossible to adequately answer a metaphysical question on the meaning of life, if something made me feel good - what did it matter why? Who needed a meaning?

I believe a lot of people lead their lives that way. They feel happy. So who needs a meaning.

The following letter is to a man who inscribed words on a fridge magnet.

This served the pivotal role in my ending drug use.

--------------------

Dear Roy Lessin,

I want to share something with you that has had an enormous impact on my life, and will continue to do so in the years ahead.

On July 25, 2001 early in the morning I was smoking crack cocaine

by myself in my house. I had not finished all that I had purchased and there was still a large chunk left, but I knew that I had already gone altogether too far.

I heart was racing and I was afraid and distraught.

I lay down on my mattress on the floor and just burst out in tears to God, and kept asking "Please God Please; Please send someone with a message for me. Please send someone by the hand of whom you may!!" I remembered the parable of the woman in the Bible who continually wearied the king with her petitioning, and Jesus promise.

So I kept crying and praying "I know you hear me Lord, I know you do." And I knew that He did. I was so convinced that He was going to answer my prayer exactly as I had expected that I kept going to the window, looking out for someone to arrive. I waited for hours and no one arrived. Finally I said "Lord, in your time" and realized that I should not be setting time limits on God. I went to sleep and when I awoke I kind of felt like maybe I was just being crazy with all my petitioning, and with all I had imagined. This depressed me. Nevertheless, by the grace of God I was still committed to His timing, and prayerfully tossed the last chunk in the toilet and flushed it.

The same day I went to meet family at a restaurant for my brothers birthday. As soon as I stepped out of my truck my sister greeted me and indicated that she had something for me. Hmmm, something for me on my brothers birthday?

When I opened the package and read the words on the fridge magnet I turned my head trying to hold back all the emotion that wanted to pour out. "Whatever God asks you to lift, He gives you the grace to carry"

Thank you, Roy, for being a channel through which God answered my cry in such an amazing way. To know that the living God, who made heaven and earth - spoke to me, and cares for me!

Love in Christ,

Dan

i hate life i wish i cud die im so sick of it i hate my typical dad he pisses me off i want to do a radio station i want 2 put my aerial on the roof my dads not leting me put it on the roof you know typical dads thay dont listen to you thay think thay know more but thay dont one day the aerial guy came i told the guy put my aerial on the roof my daft dad told him put it on the side of the house that happiend then my single was so so so so so so so so bad i got pissed of with my dad then he didnt listen to me i fell liked killin myself that day i was so pissed off i hate it when he doesnt listen to me all he does is talk alot of daft things when i told him look wots happiend he didnt listen then i called the aerial guy out again to take the thing down the guy tokein it down now im wanting it on the roof and hes still not listenin to me wot is he all about my typical dad i hope he dies daft

i feel very empty as well..

\

i just wish i could just disappear into thin air ...i really have no wish for living this life as well...

xavierw I was glued to every word of your rather large post here. I have been reading a book called "The Power of Now" and I believe there are some similarities there.

Strange thing is I understood what you are talking about to a T. I think I found out about the meaninglessness of life when I was 15 and have struggled to come to terms with life ever since. I trudge on and do my thing but I am forever battling with my mind and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do. I think you have enlightened me.

I don't see a reason to live or a point to all this yet I am not unhappy. I struggle with everything that is outside me in this world rather than a general hatred for myself. I agree that most people who aren't enlightened or don't understand this way of thinking are hard to deal with and I struggle everyday to try and understand or be understood but I hear what you are saying and I do believe there are people out there that can and will make a connection with me because they too think "deeper" and have a sense of "being".

I want to now "be" I don't want to "do" anymore.

(I don't see the a reason to live but I am not suicidal. I do not want people to mis-interpret that)

i know how u feel i really hope that once you die you simply stop existing because any time of another life is just another potential for pain or dealing with stuff you dont like

Me tooo,

When u decide to go drag me along ........ i feel that way but somehow i just cant find the proper way to do it anyways just think about it this way if "how do u know if you dead or alive"? Then say to yourself everything is fragment of your imagination nothing actually exist it just a phenomena a illusion created by the people who socilizes us as children............then if u still think about doing it email me or call and iam sur we can work it out.

If u leave i will never get to know you

and your life is important to me

and remember there is something out there that gives u ur imagination for me his name is GOD and if i was suppose to die he would have took me him self

rainman,that name sounds like something to me.The girl that i love, tried to kill herself several times. I'am musician, she used to be, she dropped her dream coz the pain is happenning to her everyday with no reason. Guess what, i still love her, remember the song "the last kiss", one of the two lovers dies, another could just keep it, never have to love another again, that is beautiful. I feel a lot of pain, more than you do, i could still survive,pain comes with no reason and no cause. In the day time, i work, in the night time, i write my music,that gives me some kind hope, coz i know i still have something like my music, i can still see me there. I know i could not save her,she'll be gone some day,whatever, who won't live with lots of gs. i'm not telling you this, i'm complaining this,so,you don't live for your mother,you don't live for your friend or lover,just for your tomorrow, another day, with little hope, but still there is hope.

I don't know why I'm writing into this.. Because all I find is very lovely people saying supporting things. Although I understand you are all wonderful people trying to help others I have been through the mill of this and have not found anyone that I feel can help me.

I tried therapy. I tried anti depressants. I tried meditation to start thinking better.. I feel that suicide just follows me.

I have that sinking feeling in my heart.

I have hurt someone , they don't know I have yet. I don't know if they will ever find out but it's something that , if it comes to the surface , will push me further into my decision.

Although that's not the sole reason for this. I have been thinking about my death for a long time.. I suppose the only thing that stops me is that I know I will hurt a few people afterwards. I know they might feel to blame and I am using what time I feel I have left to make them see I can be happy and that I am not a reminder of failure or hate or anger.

It's not self pity. I am rather proud of some things I have achieved in my life.

I've been in and out of college. I've gained and lost some friends in my time like we all do when we move on in life.

I'm 21 years old and I have and I am still in a relationship with a really nice guy. We've been together almost 5 years. I'm glad of the time we've spent together although now it seems to be fading. Not due to how I am. I have told him how I feel , he knows under the surface.

It's all walking on eggshells isnt it? People are afraid to speak to you about certain things which gets you too worried to mention.

My anxiety attacks were basically a window for my mum thinking I'm a bit mad.. Or at least that's how it feels.

Btw , I get on well with my family. That's not the reason behind this.

I can't say I have a reason. Chemical imbalance is a word spread around towards people with a negative attitude to life.. I'm not exactly negative though. I'm optimistic , or as optimistic as you can get in my circumstance. I believe people should help others , no wars , no poverty...

I don't hate anyone.

Do I hate myself? I'm not so sure.

Like I said I am proud of a few things I've done with my life and I have a few hobbies that I enjoy.. Just nothing that I see taking on to the rest of my life.

I dare say I am actually content with the thought of killing myself.

I wouldn't say I'm in a rush I just know that one day that is how I will die and I cannot say why... That's rather confusing right?

I just know it's going to happen whether tomorrow , next week , next year...

Although in the past year.. I feel it closer.

I suppose I'm posting this to say.. Well done to those who have more answers than me and more courage.

Those than can find something in this and to those who have the patience to give peace to those who need reassurance.

Thankyou.

Hey buddy,

first off sorry to hear you are in a lot of pain. Let me tell you a few things that may be able to help you. I know what it's like to frantically search for that one answer that is going to ease your pain. I spent years looking for it and believe me, even as much as a week ago I was fed up with the BS.

Listen though, the truth is there is no ONE thing that will cure your pain. It is a combination of things. If you get involved in a church group, it will always be over, if you swamp yourself with books, there will always be the last page. If you flood your life with relationships, the people will always go home at the end of the day.

The other poster was right in that the master of this, is YOU. It is my belief that you have to continually involve yourself in a LOT of things. It WON'T happen overnight. Start with small, and i mean very small steps. Anything to give yourself a sense of accomplishment, however small it may be. Even if tomorrow you do one thing like go outside for 20 minutes, and get out of that room. Then the next day do maybe two things. Gradually these little things will start piling up and give you a greater sense of well being and accomplishment. Like I said before, it's not something that will snap you out of it overnight. Depression is a formidable foe that must be chipped away at.

I am not going to sit here and say something cliche like "go find a book club" or "go get laid". I want to give you some concrete advice that you can chew on and help yourself.

Why not set a goal for tomorrow just to do something small and take it from the AM to the PM, not worrying about the next day. This might have some affect on your mom too, maybe if she witnesses you doing well for yourself things will change in your household. Take tomorrow for tomorrow, and realize that even if you think you are not getting anywhere with the pain you feel, it's just a big LIE and you ARE getting somewhere. Even posting on here took great courage and it's a start. You must take care of yourself and slowly pull yourself out of the ditch. you CAN and WILL do this. Suicide is NOT an option.

Good luck buddy, pm me anytime.

rain man,

my analysis of your writing tells me you are thinking too much.

life is not that complicated.

get a job, make some dough, do whatever you have to do to get out of the house.

also you said you are not getting out of house for 2 years. i see this as a problem on your psychology and physical body. when you dont get out, this can cause depression and other malfunctions in your system that you are experiencing.

change your environment, and you change your mind and body.

it seems to be the answer is in front of you, but you feel the need to discuss suicide, which i think is irrational because the answer is before your nose.

Some wonderful thought provoking posts on this thread.

Someone mentioned Eckhart Tolle and the "Power of Now" book. I haven't had the pleasure yet to read it. However, I'm currently reading and participating in the on line webcast with the book..."A New Earth...Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". And wanted to suggest it

to the OP "Rainman" for furthering his studies. And his search for. "Who am I?"

Been thinking about his orginal post. He briefly touched on his "story" and past events that have gotten him to the present state. His turbulant childhood and an abusive father. That little tidbit of information seems to be the pebble that started the entire avalanche to all the events that lead him to his present moment.

So why is he hanging on to the past? What use is it to him? It doesn't shape who he is? not the real him. He allows it to. He defines himself by it. He lays all the blame for his present state on the past or... on the "sheep" others.

I noticed that he used a lot of labeling. He calls people "sheep" and "small minded" and puts himself in the roll of being superior to the rest of us mere mortals. And why is that?

Locking himself up from the world for 2 years. Why? it's a form of suicide. It kills the EGO. His EGO has over inflated itself. And if he were to participate in the world... and go out into the world... I think he fears that he'll be found, lacking. He's afraid of failing. Afraid of disaproval.

Why?

Who knows. Maybe because he suffered rejection from his father. If his father was abusive he denied Rainman the respect he deserved as a "human being". Just a theory.

Rainman thereforeeee has set out on a journey to prove he's someone. To prove that he matters. So he's immersed himself with philosophical studies and he alone has debunked every single theory and philosophy on the great questions of life.... "why are we here." (standing up and clapping).

That Ego of his is huge isn't it? I can tell... cause he calls the rest of us...sheep.

So I sat here thinking about what I'd want to say to Rainman....

What I could say to Rainman to give him a nudge as it were. Poke at his Ego a bit.

Thats when I noticed that the original thread was dated 3-11-2004

and he only had two posts. This thread. And I noted that... XAVIERW responded in April of 2004 and he ONLY had two posts. XAVIERW's reply was amazing. I was spellbound.

So... where are our two phenominal writers and thinkers today? I gotta tell you both pieces are quite profound. The writing styles in both are remarkable. I certainly wouldn't mind reading more.

We all have a purpose in this life. And "LIFE" can truly be magnificent and magical if we strip away all the BS and allow ourselves to LIVE... and simply "BE".

In the words of John Lennon... "Let it Be"

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,

shine until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Everyone tries to find their own purpose and you should still do some searching. If you still cannot find any purpose, then my advice is to get away from it all. Travel around the world; go on an adventure. Do things you've always wanted to do but were never able to do for whatever reasons. If you're going to end your life, you might as well make the last days of your life the best ones. You have nothing to lose. If you're worried about your mother, you shouldn't be. If you end your life, you won't be around to feel the guilt of it. It sounds harsh but it's true. She shouldn't make you feel imprisoned by guilt.

Hope this helps.