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Thread: Thinking of filing for divorce , but my wife is pregnant

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Laguna Hills

    Thinking of filing for divorce , but my wife is pregnant

    My wife and I have been married almost a year this month {28th}.
    For the last year we have struggled in so many areas, but I have kept trying. recently, financially, we lost everything, and I had to move my wife back in with her mother and father. Since then, obviously the strain on our relationship has been even greater. I and my wife are Christians, but her family is not. They continue to talk badly about me and my wife has bought into the idea that I am not a provider.
    Prior to her moving in with her family and I moving into a friends house, after 2 weeks on the street, we found out she was pregnant. I have to the best of my ability been there for her, going to the doctors visits, calling her every day, arranging insurance for her medical visits and coverage, and trying to be patient with her ever increasing agitation and meanness.
    But, I have grown weary. Every time I talk to her she yells at me or curses. She only tells me she will be back with me if I can insure the future financially and otherwise. I tell her I cannot do that, but I can and have tried.
    Recently, we talked over the phone and she yelled at me for not ordering her the wrong prescription from the doctors and told me her mother and her were going to handle everything related to the baby. She wouldn't even take my phone number down in case of emergency. She said she didnt care to and never wanted to speak with me again.
    She even had her sister tell me the same and then hang up on me.
    For the last year I worked every day but lost my job to attend to her depression and suicidal tendencies. She never helped me. I did the laundry and made the meals and did the best I could. Yes I made mistakes but I too am human.
    She always tells me that "she is the one pregnant" and that I don't care, but I respond that if I didn't care I wouldn't keep trying to do all the things I mentioned above.
    Well, I have had it! I'm tired of getting beat up emotionally. She doesn't seem to ever get that I'mn involved in this whole thing too and how much I sacrificed for her. And, it seems like her love is now conditional on how much money we have etc. I understand her need for future security and have been working hard to do that, even working at a restaurant to provide for her and save money. I have tried rekindling our romance, and expressing my love for her through actions such as taking her out to dinner and such. Nothing works more than a few days anymore and she has become such a different person. I feel as though I should not have married her. There has been no infedilety, except in spirit it seems.
    I wanted things to work but I'm tired as I said.
    Well, I am considering divorce. Yet, I want to take care of our baby, even if that means filing for custody. She won't any longer contact me regarding how she and the pregnancy is going. What should I do? Should I file for divorce and then proceed with custody after the baby is born.
    And, moreso, how do I heal my broken heart?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2004

    Hold on

    I have to say, you're in a tough situation and putting myself in your shoes, or at least trying to, i think I would feel the same way.

    Hopefully a women reading this can confirm it, but most women, when they dream about having a child don't dream of having it this way. I'd think that women dream of having a child as much as their wedding day, maybe even more. This is supposed to be a pain-fee 9 months of the best pampering she'll received in her whole life, and the fact that it's not going to happen that way may be the source of her meanness. She's just looking for security, which I'm sure you know. The woman you're seeing now is your wife under the kind stress that you've never seen her in before and may never again.

    I think you should hold off on the divorce, because I wouldn't think that she would want to raise the child with you entirely out of the picture. And I also suspect that as soon as the child is born you'll have a new mother and child that believe it or not will need you.

    Unless you think that she will make an unfit mother, your willingness to take custody of the child is a double-edged sword, what are you going to say when the child ask for his or her mom and why you two arn't together. When she said she didnt care to and never wanted to speak with you again, do you think that she meant divorce? are you sure?

    I know you're tired, but this something that tired or not will always be. I think you should see this as a transition period, a chance for you to prepare for your child to enter your world, make yourself strong enough to provide for your child.

    That being said I don't see this as your fault. She feels that she's the one pregnant and that's a mistake on her part. What you have to do is be honest with her, don't call her give her a chance to hang up the phone. Go to her house and tell her how you feel, even if you have to say it in a room full of people. (I have a feeling they know your business anyway) Ask her if there is room for you in her life, and don't let her avoid the question. She fell in love with you for a reason you should find out if that is still there.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2005


    if you want to win her, win her mom over.
    if her mom knows you are sincere, then she will know it too.

    everynight you work, put at least 1/2 in an envelope, seal it,date it, then every month mail them all back to yourself. dont open it.

    this way if things go worse, then you can bring those envelopes to court with you and the judge will see that you set aside money for your child,

    if things get better, then your wife and her mom will see you are serious about caring for the baby.

    now that your legally covered, make every attempt to stay focused on your wife and the baby. Tell her that there is nothing better than knowing that your child is growing in her.
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    now, the not-so-sweet to man talk

    i think your selling her short by saying that she only wants money ect...
    she wants security for the child, and she will get it with or without you.

    you even had to work in a restaurant? boo hoo. poor you. I'm not trying to be mean, but I'll work ANYWHERE, ANYTIME and take two or three jobs to take care of my soon to be first-child. no partying, no friends and going out, no tv..NOTHING but work and being responsible until you realize that the CHILD is first. there is no way out, divorce and running away isnt the answer bud.

    put your child first. work your butt off. don't stop working hard and being supportive if she comes back to you..remember, your not having a child on your due date..YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE!

    One thing that kinda ticked me off is that you sent her back home. If you can afford a roomate, then you can afford an efficiency apt and take care of her yourself. Also, don't blame her for you losing your lost your job..
    get another one! and another!

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    my wife is almost there, one more month to go. i cant tell you how good it feels when you feel your baby kick for the first time. it's amazing. also seeing your kid in the sonogram or hearing the heartbeat will make you weak in the knees.
    sharing these experiences together and how you smile when you are with her experiencing these for the first time (with your hand on her belly) will make her uncomfortable journey reassuring and bring you two closer.

    anyone can plant a seed, and run when things get tough...but a real man will stick around. my dad wasnt a real man, he took off and ran scared. now, as an adult, i still dont speak with him ...ever. I wont do that to my baby..or my baby's mom. if our relationship doesnt work out in the be it.. at least i know that i exhausted myself trying, and never stopped fighting for my baby.

    say a prayer or two or three-hundred. GOD listens, and knows your heart. Have you spoken to your pastor about this? I think you should.

    If I were you I'd lose the roommate, get your own place (even if it's a one room hotel)and go rescue her from her mom's. Her mom will make sure she has food, health and clothes she won't dis-own her for being with make sure you have a wife and your baby has a father.

    it's your wife, it's your baby, it's your future. if you give it your all you won't have regrets, if you give up will have regrets forever.

    I'll pray for you three tonight... I wish you success.

    if you need any more man to man talks, email me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    I've gotta tell you that unless she is a completely unfit mother you stand very little chance of gaining custody of a newborn. The courts really don't like to separate babies from their mothers without a compelling reason. So I wouldn't count on that avenue, chances are you would be the non custodial parent in the case of a divorce and you would have visitation privleges only.

    Not to be harsh about this, but why doesn't your wife work? Is there some reason she isn't helping out financially since you've lost your job. It's not all up to the man to provide everything financially. Marriage is a partnership and when misfortune happens to one person, the other person is supposed to help out - they aren't supposed to just sit there and berate the other person.

    I guess though you should really take a look at the situation and ask yourself - "Is this the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life?" Be realistic about this. Don't look at the person you wish she would be. Look at who she really is. With the way she's been treating you, do you really want to be subject to that for years and years?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Did I miss something? How come you do not live in the same house with her at her parents? Will they not let you?

    I agree, unless she is an unfit mother and you can prove it you can hang up getting custody , ESPECIALLY if it turns out to be a girl. Unfortunately if it is like Florida, father's do not have any legal rights until the child is born either, which I think is unfair.
    As far as her emotional state, she has a lot going on, she is probably upset of being back home, losing everything, being whether some of it might have been because of taking care of her or whatever and having to be apart from you, then you add the manic depressent she probably is if she was already suicidal to begin with then add people filling her head with their opinions and the hormones and honey all I can say is if you love her stick it out at least until the baby is born. Most states you can not get a divorce anyway until the baby is born. besides if most of this is due to emotions, that might put her over the edge. I would do like the gentleman said about saving money, work on you and getting a place with 2 br. Straighten things out as if you were working are starting fresh. Wait it out until the baby is born, do not tell anyone you are stopping to see her in the hospital, if u hear she is having the baby wait and go when everyone else should be gone ( like late at night) and talk to her or slip a letter in her purse or some place someone will not just see it. Tell her you love her and want her to come home and have a home waiting for her, even if it is an apartment or nice rented place. After a little time to think if she doesn't want to or she will not let you see the child then take the money u saved and get an attorney. Best of luck and if u need to talk just email.



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