Affair? WALK AWAY!

If I had to get on my knees to beg you NOT to do one thing in your life it would be this – having an affair with a married person. I've read that in the US 56% of married men and 54% of married women have extramarital affairs and that in the US alone almost 50% of all marriages fail. Speaking from experience, having an affair with a married person is the single most stupid thing you will ever do. Period. If you want to lose all the dignity you ever had, lose your self-worth and wreck people's lives on top of your own then please go ahead.

I will be brutally honest here; You are stupid if you do. Affairs with married people often happen due to purely selfish desire and due to sheer boredom. It will hurt you. You will not come out of it well. An opportunity is presented to you and you are too greedy to say no and walk away. Sex with a married person is dramatic, passionate, open, stimulating and very exciting. That is when you get it. For the married person it is all these things plus a release from the mundane situation they find themselves in; a release from the boring sex, unhappy marriage, and drudgery of daily life. And none of it will last.

As a single person I have had an affair with a married woman and it was a disaster for me. She hurt me through her constant deceit. She lied almost every day either to her husband or to me. She made promises she couldn't keep. She provided an endless gauntlet of creative excuses. She unrelentingly played manipulative games and she forced me to be many things I was not. At the end of the affair, I walked away with a wasted year of my life, a broken heart, nothing of substance, too many lonely weekends, no vacations and a sense of worthlessness. I hated her for what she had done. I tell you this only as a warning because I too was as sensible as you are.

The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are NOT a couple, let me repeat that, you are not a couple so don't fool yourself. Sure you may act like a couple when you are together, but you aren't. In the very beginning you will see quite a lot of your new lover. Secret dates will be established and the excitement will make you feel alive. But as soon as the guilt sets in for your married lover, excuses will develop and you will be kept hanging on, but expected to be ever available just in case they can make it. It's a subtle process and by the time you realize it, it's often too late to save your heart.

Oh yes, you will never be without a phone on the off chance that your lover will call. They want to see you but you must understand that it's not easy for them. And as you except yet another excuse you will be praised for just how understanding you are. You have just become a saint and a martyr. In the meantime they will be tucked in bed, snuggled with their other half trying to fix things. Of course they won't tell you that, they wouldn't want to hurt you. You will have to endure endless months of discussing what it will be like when you are together (which you can almost be assured you never will be) and you will face comparisons with their spouse at every turn, even if they never vocalize it.

You will be expected to be available, just in case, because one can never tell when your crutch-like strength will be required. And you will be expected to be thankful for any small morsel of time you are given. They will insist that the evening you had a 4 weeks last Tuesday was a great deal for them to arrange so be grateful and that you should just hang on for them if you love them. And so it goes on, day after day and month after month. Of course the key thing that makes your affair different from everyone else's is that it is 'different', right? Your passion and love is almost unique, your connection is that of soul mates and you know they are in a terrible marriage and they made a mistake and you will be perfect together. In other words, you will begin to make excuses whenever possible to justify the situation and actions - just a little more time and things will be fantastic.

No one else can possibly understand what you both are going through and so you will withdraw from some of your friends, partly because they'll strongly disapprove of what you are doing. Your weekends will be wasted as will vacations because whilst you are alone waiting at home for the phone to ring. Meanwhile, they will be at social functions and parties and all kinds of domestic events that you would die to have with them but are never afforded the opportunity of having. You trust your lover implicitly. After all you are in this together. The thing is your entire relationship is already founded on deceit. And if they can do it to their spouse, they can also do it to you. And most likely, eventually will.

You see, if your lover was going to leave their partner they would have to leave for themselves and not for you. If they are going to do it for themselves it will be much sooner rather than later. Think about it. When something benefits you; happiness, health, self-worth, a better life for you or your family, whichever, whatever - How long does it take for you to react to it and to grab on to it with both hands? If they haven't become single or made plans towards becoming single within say 12 weeks they probably never will. They must leave not for you but for their own reasons. If they leave for you, you will be held silently accountable in future every time life is not perfect. And for all you know, they may always be looking backwards with a half-glance and all that they left behind.

Walk away as fast as possible in the opposite direction and keep walking. Never fool yourself here, an affair with a married person is a complete waste of time in 99% of cases. A very few do make it through but almost all don't. You will have absolutely no idea as to what your married lover is going through and you will be nothing more than light relief to something far more serious. You will lose self-respect because you are sharing your lover, you are falling in love with someone you cannot have, you are second best most of the time and you will be extremely lonely. Most of the evenings will not be with your loved one so your relationship cannot grow, much of what you do will be based around sex not love. Your relationship will be extremely intense but will be sporadic and unfulfilling. As a woman you will be made to feel cheap and may even fall pregnant in which case your situation has just become even more highly complex.

The thing I cannot stress enough is how much you will be lied to. The person you love will be telling you lies almost constantly. It is not that they are essentially bad, it is that they will over time get used to lying to spare feelings whilst protecting themselves and their marriage. And do remember that in the midst of such emotional turmoil, they will have no option but to start considering only themselves. In the end they will find lying to everyone second nature, even though it may be cutting them up emotionally. A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want you to decide for them, which of course you cannot. You could demand that they leave their partner for you once and for all, but in doing so you are now standing in the firing line.

The simple question I will ask is that if you really do value yourself and understand yourself and if you truly believe that there are some truly great single people out there, why would you waste your life on a married person? For all these words, people will continue to learn from their own mistakes and in doing so pass on their valuable lessons to others. But for the sake of some short-term relationship, maybe even passionate sex, you truly could be risking everything. I hope that you have the wisdom to walk away and not look back.

My thanks to my one time married affair. She taught me a great deal about life, trust and the true meaning of friendship.

I've learned that life is to short to waste waiting around. I learned to be careful with whom I trust and entrust with my heart to. And, most importantly, deceit, manipulation, and game playing, have NO place in friendship.

Walk away. I did. Maybe I'm not so bad after all.

Hi,

reading though your posting, I can empathise entirely and everything you have said is almost spot on.

I was in slightly a different situation where I got involved with someone but didnt know they were married to start with. From my point of view it was a new relationship, from their's, it was an affair, thrilling, spontenious and dangerous, so with all that came the passion, which drove me even more into the relationship. Sorry, 'affair'. It is so easy to think that you are together, but it is much the truth, that that is never the case and you are only falling for someone that you can't ever have.

In my case we saw each other for about a month and a half and it only ended as I found out by accident (on their part) about the marriage.

It was a kind of odd situation anyway, they lived about 3 hours away from me, but came down during the week and stayed down in a hotel. The weeks were great and we saw each other a lot, but at the weekends, phones would go off and they'd go off home and that would be it until Monday - The first reason I began to get suspicious.

However, even after all this I was still sat by the phone waiting for a phone call and when ever asked to do anything, I'd be there. If I had plans they would be cancelled. It was easy for me, I wanted to be with them. Sex was fantastic, really passionate and intense. Going out was fantastic, we connected really well and had so much fun. Our sense of humour matched perfectly and things would bouch off each other for hours on end. It all seemed perfect when I was with them. The shortfalls only became obvious at the weekends when I was completely isolated.

In the end, my housemate looked on the electoral roll and found out about the other half at home. At the very next chance, I brought the subject up. There was no apology, no remorse, no guilt, just shear arrogance and disconcern. It hurt. All that time we were together and doing so much and it was if I meant nothing. Never before had I connected with someone so well and this was what happened when I did. I was gutted. I ended it there. We didn't talk for a couple of months after that.

Since, we talk briefly every now and then to make sure each other is ok. but thats that. I don't know if things are going on with someone new, its not my business now.

Everything in your posting is true, its more trouble than its worth, its a hell of a lot of heart ache and you lose a massive part of yourself. But, there is one big but, I would rather of had that time with them, than never of had a connection like that at all.

Understandings with you my friend.

CopeLand

Bravo

Thanks copeland and mandylee4christ -

It's a rocky road. I still care about her a great deal, to the extent I said I can no longer continue our friendship. It's just too painful for me. I exposed myself again while I try to explain this to her but she seems almost self-centered about how it's affecting her.

I am currently having an affair with a woman who is 8 years older than me. We have been best friends for 13 years now and 6 months ago we found out we had other feelings for each other.

Since then things have become extremely serious. All I can do is to echo what imabadman has said.

What is making things worst for me is that I got involved with my best friend. There is no one that I have ever had a similar emotional connection to. I do not doubt that she loves me but I get the feeling she will never leave her husband.

Stay away is all I can echo.

If you can walk away from that knowing what you did was wrong and not wanting to subject yourself to that again and you are willing to share your experience with others. You are a Good Man. Not a bad one. The best to you.

I COMMEND you on sharing such a PAINFUL story.

MY husband cheated on ME with another married woman.

He kept it from me for 7 years...I am sure she kept their affair a secret from her husband as well. So, neither one told either spouse, and neither one left.

I found out quite by accident, and, I have left the marriage. I have also found out that my husband has cheated on me THREE more times since then that I did not know about.

The trust and deceict is SO very painful.

I beg ANYONE...BEFORE you have an affair IF you are married, GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE...SPARE YOUR SPOUSE THE PAIN...

It may not be today...

It may not be next year...

But they WILL find out...

I can guarantee it.

I had a "gut" feeling about this "OW"...I should have trusted it. I asked him...he denied. Never again will I ignore my gut.

IMABADMAN....This is so true and I can relate fully and agree...wow!! You hit this right on the money for idiots like me that almost through out a loving family for someone who is in a terrible marriage and only in it for the kids....

Thanks for sharing....

i guess i am in a different boat...my wife had an affair with a friend of hers from lawschool...

looking back on it, it's clear they had flirted throughout the friendship, and only in the last months before i discovered the truth had it become the sordid, sneak around physical affair.

sounds pretty common right?

ok...

cut to me outing her...she then tells me that her sex life with other men is none of my business...and thus i begin divorce proceedings...

she is now living with him...they are moving to nevada together...

and i am alone wondering what the F**K happened to justice.

this man pursued my wife for possibly years, definitely months....and has paid no price...and what is worse...she seems to be getting off scott free from the affair as well...

anywho...i'm moving on, but damn what i wouldn't give for a lil justice...

Puppeteer,

I don't believe in Karma, but it does seem to fit in with a lot of stories I hear from friends & relatives. You never know, something may we'll show them the error of their ways.

Good post this one!

Wow, great advice. It really helped me. There is a married man I work with who flirts with me constantly always sending me suggestive emails. The attraction is definitely there but I know better than to go down that road. I will lose no matter what and everyone will be hurt including me.

On the other hand, my fiance of five years cheated on me with his married boss. We tried to work things out only the relationship crumbled after a few years. I resented him for the hell not to mention humiliation he put me through. Now, she is recently divorced and they just bought a house 15 minutes from me. Just my luck, they will live happily ever after. I wanted so bad for them to fall flat on their face. I realize it's early in their relationship but I want it to fail so bad. Who knows, maybe they were soul mates instead of affair partners. I guess I'll never see him get what he deserves.

The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are NOT a couple, let me repeat that, you are not a couple so don't fool yourself. Sure you may act like a couple when you are together, but you aren't.

You could not have stated it better. I have read posts from people dating a married person and they use phrases such as "he is cheating on me" and i am thinking, no dear, you are helping him cheat. You can't cheat on a person you are cheating with.

Good stuff bro, that was a very painful but insightful look at infidelity. More people should know that it isn't just excitement and passion, it can be a lot of pain too.

I just wanted to discuss Allie's Point about her friend and her MM problem. It was stated that this "gentleman's" wife pretty much lived for him and he just thought that Allie's friend would do the same. I believe that this is a mistake that a lot of people make. This new person is in better shape, more passionate, better looking, more articulate, more courageous and so on and so on, and with the honeymoon phase of an affair, they believe that this is their soulmate and they should leave their marriages (the small amount that do anyway).

What happens; oh yeah, SOME work out, but then a good portion realize that they have made a grave mistake, now they see this person for what they really are and they also are reminded of what was so good about their wife/husband, or in this case, they believe that this woman/man will be the same as their previous spouse but with these cool abilities too!! (yeah right!!)

People really need to think about what they do before they do it, I have indeed read about couples who have separated due to this and then have asked (whether directly or indirectly) for a second chance, AFTER it's too late. Someone said it on another thread, do you know what you are really throwing away?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Well it’s been a few years since I wrote that article. That was a hellish time in my life. Shortly after I ended that affair I met another woman, single of course, that I dated for a month short of 3 years. I wanted commitment out of our relationship she wanted to continue to date. I wasn’t “OK” with that.

Life twists and turns. Keep your eyes on the road and you’ll be OK.

- John

For me the worst part is loving and giving someone everything you have and they can only give you part of themselves. The (married) man I am with gets so angry with me when I show him I am hurt because he just cant give enough. He says I'll never be happy with anyone because I want too much. All I want is him. Meanwhile, he is getting everything he needs from two people. He says he hurts because he can't give me what I need and because he is hurting everyone... and I believe him, but I don't think he will really understand how he is hurting everyone. The only way he could get that would be for him to lose his family (and I dont want that for him). How can you say you love someone and hurt them so much. Then get angry when the one person who knows who you are and is still with you tells you they are hurting.

I know how you feel... it wasnt something that just happened... I was best friends with him for years and we fell in love thinking there was no chance of us ever being together and one night we found out we felt the same way. Everything you said is almost exactly how it is between us. I live 1800 miles away now and he still doesnt want to stop the relationship. We talk every day for like 5 hours.

It must have been hard for you. I hope that I can be as strong as you.

There's an assumption here that one party (the unmarried one) is wanting a commitment in having an affair. That is so not always the case.

ilshsm - You know you really should get out of that situation. I feel that you'll never allow yourself the love and relationship you deserve by hanging on to a past memory. You said it yourself... this guy is getting the best of both worlds (women). When he doesn't get the attention of one he goes to the other.

You deserve better. Respect yourself.

Well, it really depends on your situation. I went through a period of about 6 years (1993-1999) where I did not want any type of "relationship" that could develop into anything, but I also didn't want to bounce from girl to girl every week. During that time, dating (if you can even call it that) married women worked quite well for me. We rarely argued (they did most of their arguing with their husbands), I was never expected to call (because he might pick up), and we only saw each other when we really wanted to. It worked perfectly for me during that phase of my life. I would say over the 6 years, there was probably 20 or 25 of them, with the longest one lasting about 3 years. The thing is though, those relationships do have a "shelf life". Sooner or later, the other person starts talking about leaving their husband so "we can be together". That was always the point where I was out of there, because I knew I could never trust them in that capacity.

Fast forward to now, and I am actually in love with a married woman. How's that for irony? I wrote a post awhile back about everything we were going through. Yes, she did leave him, but no, we are not currently together at this time. She is dealing with her guilt issues about our relationship, which she really cant do while seeing me. We talk a few times a week, and she texts and emails me almost daily, but I told her I couldn't see her until she gets the guilt out of her system and can actually take pride in our relationship instead of shame. And the funny thing is, as much as I used to distrust the other married women I was involved with, I wouldn't doubt her for a second. I dont think she has anything to feel guilty about. He was working out of the country for 8 months, and she decided she wanted out. But, she didn't want to tell him long distance. She wanted to tell him face to face. Her problem is that for the last 6 of those 8 months, we were involved. Now, it isn't like she was being with me, and then going home and kissing him on the mouth like everything was ok. As soon as he got back to the US, she told him it was over. But she still feels guilty about it, and that guilt was really affecting our relationship.

Anyways, I didn't mean to digress there. My point simply is that we do not live in a perfect world. Sometime, situations are not perfect. Is it ideal to get involved with a married person? Obviously not. And more often than not it is probably going to end badly. But I don't think that it automatically means that it NEVER can work out. The jury is still out on my situation with this girl. Hopefully in a few months I'll have a happy update for everyone.

Good luck FL.

I'd be interested in your situation too. I oftened wondered how the "guilt" thing would have affected the relationship with the woman I was with.

The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are NOT a couple, let me repeat that, you are not a couple so don't fool yourself. Sure you may act like a couple when you are together, but you aren't.

 

You could not have stated it better. I have read posts from people dating a married person and they use phrases such as "he is cheating on me" and i am thinking, no dear, you are helping him cheat. You can't cheat on a person you are cheating with.

Spot on as always...

This thread brought back a lot of memories for me...since it was a year ago that I first posted on it. Wow...it did me a lot of good to read all these painful stories again and see how much has changed in a year.

John-

I stumbled on your original 2004 thread today and all I can say is thank you. I was involved in a somewhat very similar circumstance and still dealing with the affects of the "split" going on 3 weeks now.

While I'm not aware of the "lies" that were likely stated to myself or her husband, the despair of being alone and the reality of "not being a couple" is DEAD ON....as was the constant need to carry my blackberry for the chance her email or call came through.

So here I am, on the onset of recovery. It's still a struggle each day right now. There are numerous reminders of her around me and my thoughts go to her more than I'd want to admit, but I appreciate your cander and even plan to print your post to remind myself that "deceit...has no place in friendship".

Good luck DevilDog23. You know you're better off without this person in your life. Listen, if she wanted to be with you she would be. Plain and simple. Take a walk and don't look back.

- John

I'm so glad I read this post. While I didn't have a physical affair with a married woman, I did have an emotional affair with a woman who was living with her boyfriend of four years. I would ask her why she doesn't leave him and be with me, and she always says that she couldn't because she has no place to go, and she didn't have the money to leave.

While she actually did have no place to go (her family is messed up), she can't live with me because my parents don't want it. Her bills are really taking up the majority of her income, I just don't know. I got hurt everytime she went to spend time with her boyfriend (apparently he complains if they don't spend enough time together, he is REALLY Clingy), and while she did say she loves me, I just couldn't buy it.

So I decided to bow out and stay out until she makes a decision. So you don't have to be involved in a physical affair with a married person, to feel the pain and lonliness, It can be an emotional one with a couple that's just dating too.

Absolutely Sean! You don't have to have an affair with a married person.

The point is about being involved, physically, emotionally, and/or mentally, with another who is not available. It’ll drag you down and crush you. It’s not worth it.

I just read the whole thing, you are right on.