BREAKING ALL THE RULES

Ok, ok, ok, I admit that I was very sceptical of the No Contact Rule to begin with, being, by nature a very impatient person. I broke all the rules after my ex told me that he didn't want to see me again, and contacted him initially for the first two weeks. He responded. I then went with the no-contact rule for one week, and received an SMS initiated by him (the first for a month).

I broke the rules again, by replying within 10 hours. And then continued to break them all by initiating a text once a day, for the next three days, and one call - which he accepted and was good. I even told him that I missed him in a message!!

On the fourth day, after a flurry of friendly messages, I sent him a message, simply saying I want to see you.

Me too, came the reply, although I don't know where it will lead!

So, having displayed my extremely impatient side, I now need to calm down, take a breath and prepare for the meet, which will be some time next week.

Ok, I know all the common sense stuff - obviously no sex, but a hint of how good it could be, no in-depth analysis of the relationship, aloof and confident (I am good at that), treat it as a first date etc.

Any other hints? Especially from Beec and Majord, who are always full of pearls of wisdom!!!

I am determined to post a success story - just like the rest of you!!!

G xxx

I think you know what to do - play it cool, keep talk friendly and interesting - ask him about all the stuff you know will make him relax and open up. And obviously like you said, DON'T mention the relationship. If you can manage all that then you at the very least guarantee not to end up having a 'negative' night.

As for me - i've been thinking of following your approach. I'm on day 33 of no contact now, and having replied to a text from her a week and a half ago (and had no reply from her since) i am thinking of sending a neutral, friendly text just to say hi and see how she is. It's her birthday in a week and a half and i don't want to contact her on her birthday just out of the blue, having been doing no contact for so many days. I think that would just seem a bit strange. So i am seriously looking at starting to build up a little contact.

Any thoughts.

Good luck with your meeting!!

WOW, I thought that I had written that and didnt realize it!! To the 'T' That is my strory with my recent EX lol...No*contact is so hard! especially when we do it so they contact us...and when they do(even the slightest contact) we can't act on it From the first 2 weeks and what u did up until where he initiated a little contact=same exact situation here...good luck*N we WILL have a good ending...eventually!!!

Spatz,

I think it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to send a birthday card, and maybe even call on her birthday just to say happy birthday. But I wouldn't do much more than that.

You certainly don't want to go overboard. I know it is hard, but you have to stay strong, otherwise you could end up going back to the beginning. Not to be negitive, but you have to think about how your going to react if you don't get the reaction out of them you expect or want. As long as you can handle it if it goes your way or not then you are ready to take that next step. If you are going to be crushed if it doesn't go your way then I would say you need to keep going with no-contact.

You have to be able and ready to walk away if the person doesn't reciprocate your feelings.

Same for you Gee Cee. As long as you can accept whatever happens then you are ready. I hope it works out for both of you. (including myself) I am hoping my wife sees me for the person I am, not as the person she is making me out to be.

I've made no contact since the big-blow-up Monday, when I was informed that his car was "the love of his life" and endured more than 10 minutes of high-decibal emotional abuse. We literally have unfinished business concerning property, so I know there will be some contact in the near future. It has been his habit to call as if nothing happeneded after a few days, and my habit to act as though nothing happened indeed, but I do not think there's a way to get back from what was said on Monday, so in the interest of keeping what is left of my self respect, I really can't respond with the understanding I've shown previously.

The struggle, is, of course, I still love him, and his birthday is coming up in a few days. As we are both new to this city, I am aware that his birthday will not be marked, and I just can't bear the thought of it going past without a mention by me, the person who does, in fact, care about him. Evil me would like the thought of him all alone and desolate on that day, but I think I would just feel worse. So...any good ideas out there?

Thats a hard one to call really. Whats your situation? How long were you together, how serious, etc? If you read through some of the security tennis post, you will see some stuff about valentines day. People mentioned about whether or not to contact the ex on V Day. The general feeling that NOT contacting them was actually more powerful than contacting them - because it was one day they would be SHOCKED to not hear something. However i'm not sure if this is really the same for birthdays due to the fact that it is a more personal day.

Any thoughts from anyone else?

Just to update you all - things are moving in quite a nice direction. We spoke on the phone last night, I think I mentioned that in my initial post. Friendly etc. He asked me what I was doing over the weekend - drinks Friday night and party Saturday night. I didn't ask him.

While out I got a text from him - he was obviously drunk - rather naugthy. Did not reply. So, feel that I have now exposed myself, told him that I want to see him etc. And now I shall withdraw and go with the no-contact rule. At least, I shall not initiate it. When he does contact me, I shall be flirty, friendly etc.

Spatzcolumbo - as you can see, I don't wholeheartedly agree with the no contact rule. I think that it has it's place, for example I am going to enforce it now myself. But I think that sometimes things need a gentle nudge in the right direction. I kept my messages friendly and light. For example, on a Friday I would say something like Wahay!! It's the weekend - we're off for a drink or five!!! Enjoy yours.

I would always recommend keeping lines of communication open. And as I said for the first two weeks, I did that and initiated all the texts, about every two days. And, I have to say, he did always respond. But then, I broke the contact for a week (this coincided with him going on holiday for a week), and then whadayaknow, he starts the contact.

In life, Spatzcolumbo, I tend to regret the things that I don't do much more than the things that I do, and if I want something and it is precious and others want it, I am more than willing to fight for it. But that is in my nature. You have to go with what is good for you.

Good luck and keep us posted. I shall do the same.

Gxxx

Hey G, i feel the same (i think). I have seen how no contact works, and i understand entirely the points of no contact - what it is meant to do both in terms of getting the ex back, and moving on.

However, as i've just posted in the 'security tennis' discussion, i still have this 'blind faith' that tells me things could still be good. This is also the side of me that says "she texted me a few weeks ago and i made her wait for the reply...now it is time for me to give her a nudge just to keep things ticking over until i see her".

Unfortunately i am probably the most indecisive person i know. Or am i? Yes i think i am. Not sure. Anyway, i AM indecisive, so thereforeeee i can't decide whether or not to give her this little nudge!!

Still, its the weekend so i have some time to think about it!!

Good luck, keep us informed.

Gotta say, Spatz, I would go with being decisive. Send her a text. You are both playing this dangerous game - it seems to be working somewhat with Determined (Security Tennis), but you can also get into a comfort zone with you tennis, and just volley texts back and forth every couple of weeks. That's no good. Your life is put on hold, waiting for that next text. I know - I have been there.

What do you have to lose? Not her, because at the moment, you don't have her.

With me and my ex when he told me - I was completely blown away - couldn't believe it. I knew, simply knew that it was not over. And so, I have kept that faith ever since. I don't know where this new journey will take us, but I know that it is not over yet.

I would take the plunge and send the text.

Good luck.

Beec, Spatz, Determined, Majord - HELP!!!! I have messed up. If you see my previous posts, there have been a flurry of texts back and forth between the ex and myself and a couple of phone calls that were light and friendly where we talked about meeting up. All was going well. I even felt confident enough to text and say I want to see you and his reply was me too. I got overconfident and drunk - very dangerous combination.

So, on Saturday night I am out at a party, very high, and the previous night (1.35 in the morning actually) he had sent me a text (flirty and dirty) in response to my flirty and dirty of the previous night. I chose not to respond. But drunk on Saturday night, I responded to his (again flirty and dirty). He did not respond. And so I called him. Went straight to answerphone. Stupidly left a drunk message - having a good night - checking how you are doing nonsense. Then called again - having a really good time.

Not content with the level of stupidity that I was at, I then sent him an email, saying goodness knows what. You will not be surprised to know that today there has been no contact. Although I did send an email saying oops, drunk and horny is not a good combination!!!

This is bad, folks isn't it? Give it to me straight - I can take it!!!

G xx

Yes its bad. Is it your fault? Yes. Should you feel bad about it. No. It happens, and its good you are finally realizing it. But, to be honest , you are slowly killing all chances of being with him again in the near future.

Stop being a puppet and gather back your self confidence.

He knows he can play these games. He gives and then pulls back. THe bad thing is, you keep playing along.

GeeCee,

OK, this is not the best thing that you could have done, but it is not the worst either. And I think your Sunday ("Sorry I was drunk and horny") message was probably a very good thing to send. Instead of your prior messages being a "I'm drunk and just want you back," now maybe it can also be seen as an "I just want you for right now message." Of course, I don't know what else he knows about you and how you feel.

What to do right now? Nothing, absolutely nothing, and I mean that. He is sitting there thinking he can get his way with you anytime he wants it, and you sobering up and telling him otherwise does not really lessen that impact too much. The thing to figure out is how to mix up the message you sent by letting him in on a physical desire for him, with something else. How can you confuse that message? Can you jokingly imply you found release with a some batteries installed into a toy and then talk about how much easier it is to buy batteries than deal with? Can you seem too busy to see him? Can you act like there is someone else who satisfied your urge? Can you tell him that's a quick boof was all you were thinking of, not luring him back into the relationship through one night of pleasure? Can you imply that you might have no use for a man, if . . . ? Can you tell him that he was not lucky enough to be home to get one more thrill in, implying there will not be anymore, possibly? My suggestion is to withdraw, don't contact him, until you can mix up the message. Mixed messages can be as good as no message in being aloof.

Beec and Michael - thanks for your advice. Both of you. Of course, you are both right. I shall withdraw all contact now.

Beec, you always amaze me - your advice is all good. Yes, of course, I can send mixed messages, but for now, I shall send no messages at all.

Beec, every time I get the urge to send a message, can I send one to you instead???? I have the feeling it would be good fun playing with you.

G xx

Thanks, but keep telling me things like that, and I will need to grease my ears to fit through doorways.

Geecee, i'd give you some advice, but i think Beec has probably covered it!!

Keep us up to date tho!!

Spatz - thanks for the thought though. Of course, there is no more that you can add.

I am sitting here - surprised that I am not too crushed by my antics of last night. In fact, feeling OK. Let's face it, we all want a challenge in life, and this is surely a challenge!!!!

I have hidden my phone and taken Beec's advice and charged the vibrator!! Hopefully, shall take a more dignified approach at the next hurdle?!?!?

One thing I have learned in all this though, I am not willing to compromise who or what I am in order to get my heart's desires.

So .... perhaps this is not so bad. He might well be sitting there, knowing that I want him, but will expect some kind of message from me in the next couple of days. And, as Beec says, by not giving him what is he getting, he might just wonder a bit himself.

I am reminding myself of the old adage, though:

Do what you have always done and you will get what you have always gotten.

Shall keep you posted. And thanks, so much.

G xx

Thanks guys for your thoughts.

Surprised myself yesterday by accepting my stupidity of the night before with fairly good grace. Feeling crushed today, though and nothing in particular has happened. Ex did send an email in response to my horny and high apology saying that he had felt the same way and opted to leave his phone at home to avoid doing the same (remember he had sent a flirty dirty text late the night before). He also asked for my post-code!!! Not quite sure what his reasoning is. Perhaps he's sending the hit-squad in!!!

Do you think that all this heartache is worth it? And surely the love is more fragile as a consequence of it all, even if any of us do manage to win them back? I am wondering about that. Feeling low and profound today, with thoughts like he is not worth it, I am worth much more than this etc.

But then a good memory comes flooding back, and you start it all up all over again.

Hope you guys all sleep well.

G xx

More fragile. I think something that you try to break for good and cannot or it fixes itself shows that it was stronger.

He has pretty much told you that he wants to play. Work your game and he will feel like you do too.

Beec

Are you on a mission to make everyone on this site feel better? You think he wants to play? Why not say 'let's play'?

I don't know why I am saying that, because I like to play games too, and in the past I have been much better at them!!! But when that love bug hits - you lose all sense of sanity and game-playing savvy!!

I have done good tonight, and not sent any texts, emails. Shall cross my fingers and toes and the rest and hope I do the same tomorrow. Shall keep remembering all your advice, and remember, of course, that I am not the only one out here hurting. We are all doing damn good.

Beec, thanks again for your advice - always good.

G xx

Why not say "let's play?" Because that's not how you play, and you know that. That's not playing at all.

I have some ideas about how I might make you feel better, but you would need to be a lot closer to me for them to work.

Do I want to make everyone feel better? No, but I would like a few more people to realize that: 1) socializing, making friends, flirting, dating, relationships and love (and sex for God sake) are really based on a set of skills that can, for the msot part, be developed; and 2) being self-absorbed whether through your insecurities or through just being selfish is the way that most relationships and chances at relationships are screwed up. I guess I just think that most people have the stuff to make things work for them inside of them, if they know what to do and how to treat someone. It's a great philosophy, but putting it in practice is not as easy and thinking it. And once you start thinking that this is the way to make things happen, you need to put yourself in the other guys shoes. That is a big, big effort in itself.

Beec you are SO right. If only it were as simple as one person just saying "let's play". thats not how human nature works at all. that is not how the brain works. Our brains will always trick us into playing these little games. It happens in every aspect of life.

And i also think that relationships that survive this kind of thing are usually the ones that get better. In a way, as much as it sucks, i think relationships need conflict to keep them happy. I've always thought that. People who never argue or have conflict just aren't healthy. It is the conflict that proves to you that the other person cares. Because ultimately if they didn't care then they wouldn't bother with you at all.

Just my late night post-pub ramblings!!

But Spatz

I could cope with shouting, swearing and screaming conflict. At least that has a sense of release - this endless monotony of waiting around it ridiculous. This is not healthy, surely?

Just my early morning ramblings!!!

G xx

I meant that conflict within a relationship is healthy in the sense of a relationship where things are generally good. If for instance my ex and i were not split up, i would feel worried if we didn't argue sometimes because it just isn't natural. human nature is that we WILL argue sometimes.

besides, if we never argued, we could never 'make up'

Spatz, honey

We are arguing about the same thing here!!! I am saying that I would rather have an argument, shouting, swearing whatever. I can cope with that. And have even been known to initiate an argument, because the making up can be oh so delicious!!

However, this constant monotony of waiting around for messages, and analysing them to the nth degree and sometimes reading more into them than is intended .... it's bloody draining.

And that is why I ask whether it is worth it. And would we trust a person who had put us through that in the first place? Bottom line, is I think that you are Beec are probably right, it would, if it survived, make for a better relationship.

There are days, though, when you think NO MORE. No more waiting. No more analysing. No more of this nonsense. Because life is relatively speaking good and while we are sitting around consciously and subconsciously we are waiting for 'it' to happen.

Look at poor Determined. I was thinking about him the other day, because he had not posted for a while. And I was wondering if he was going to post and say - Guys it's over. No more of this rubbish. But no, today he posts and he is full of angst because he has sent a text, and there is no reply. Now, of course, there could be a reason for the no reply. But he will worry about it endlessly. And this is what we are all doing. Whether we are on Day 1 of no contact and rubbish at it (me), or like others on Day 63 of no-contact and proud of ourselves for sticking to it.

If I was on Day 63 of no-contact, I would have to say it is over. Although I am sure I noticed on one of Beec's threads that he had a 3 month no-contact period. I can only assume that during that no-contact period, he was not torturing himself, and that he was getting on with his life? And that when he and his ex did get back together, it was of mutual benefit?

Yet more ramblings, and it is only mid-day!!! I am sure there will be more to come.

I don't know about you guys, but here in England it is a beautiful day (and we don't get many of those!). I am going to go and enjoy.

G xx

...firstly yes it is a gorgeous day, which makes me feel better whatever!!

Secondly, as far as it being worth it or not - i see your point. I guess its just a pity that we can't just 'decide' that its not worth it. I mean personally i can't just decide not to agonize over the smallest thing!!

The thing about whether you could really trust someone who has dumped you and then got back with you....i'm really not sure. Having never been in that position (though really hoping i will be sometime in the future!!!) i couldn't really comment. however i know a number of people who ARE in the position, and they are managing ok. Sure it puts a different slant on things, but that isn't a bad thing in some ways. It maybe makes you realise that no relationship is immune to breaking up, or to adverse things happening. but as we agreed, it probably makes you stronger. I just don;t know. hey, if i get there, i'll tell you how i feel!!!