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I had to cancel my appointment with a potential marriage counselor, but hope to reschedule it soon. So far, my husband has continued to resist going, but I'm still holding out hope. In the mean time I'm looking for some advice.

 

I have some pretty low self esteem and seem to be concerned a lot about our marriage. My husband tells me that he would never leave me and that this is all my problem because of my low self esteem. I think that he contributes to my low self esteem when he says negative things.

 

His job takes him away from home a lot and sometimes I worry that he's so unstatisfied with me that he'll decide "the grass is greener". If I mention my concerns or fears he tells me things like this: "You're the worst wife I know and the least supportive of my job. I would be embarrassed if anyone knew that you are the way you are about my job."

 

I think that comments like this contribute greatly to my concerns about my marriage.

 

What do you think?

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Yeah that was harsh...Even for a person without low-self-esteem, a comment like that isn't too supportive either.

 

There's always a possibility that some hanky panky stuff might occur, especially on business trips. My dad's co-worker and him, had to fly out to Boston to fix up a problem, and his co-worker cheated on his pregnant wife during the trip. When he came back, he acted happy, and treated her extra nice.

 

So, yeah, there isn't anything that can full proof infidelity. Just b/c he says that he'll never leave you, doesn't mean that in the heat of the moment, temptation can't occur.

 

I think that he's just mad b/c he wants you to trust him. It's probably his way of dealing with things. But I sill think that his comment was harsh.

 

You kind of have to look it at his point of view, having low self-esteem contributes to lack of trust, which he might be fed up with. Just kind of pat him on the back for at least trying to make things work out, despite the lack of trust.

 

It's tough to say, but often times, I'd rely on instincts. So, it might not necessarily mean that you have low self-esteem, but just lack of confidence in the relationship itself. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go, but going back to your original question: I still don't find justification in his comment, but sometimes people are irrational, and say things that they don't mean, but the fact that he mentioned that he'd be "ashamed" to let people know about how you feel about his job, I think that it sounds a little fishy, but you would be more familiar as to what's going on.

 

My guy friend's dad cheated on his mom by saying that he had to go on business trips, and when his mom tripped about it, his dad would put the blame on her. She didn't find conclusive evidence until my friend pulled out his camcorder one day to tape a concert, and saw a video of his dad humping some other young chick.

 

His dad even tried denying it after having evidence. Can you believe that? So, he tried weaseling his out even when he was on camera. His mom suspected during the times when he left, but he would lash out at her too. Finally, the answers showed up.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way, but truth is, you're in the relationship. You have more of a solid feeling as to what he may/may not be doing. Sometimes people act up on the self-fulfilling prochecy in which either you/him could be doing. Sometimes when you believe that a guy may cheat enough, he may end up doing it. Or, it could be just the oppostie, you might feel as though you have low self-esteem, so you act on it, because the relationship is not supportive enough. Either way, you can't predict anybody's actions.

 

So, ultimately, I think that the only solution is to "communicate" with him. Be honest about how you feel, but don't pester him to much about it, and see what he says. Communication is always important, and if he's willing to communicate the problems with you regardless if he's mad/or not, then you can be sure that he's trying to work things out with you, and that he's probably not doing anything behind your back. It is the trying times that say a lot about the quality of a relationship.

 

Again, there's a limit to things, but wedding vows include "in good times, and in bad..." that's a big promise, so let's see if he keeps it. Again, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and hope that you guys will be able to communicate/resolve things. Good luck to your marriage.

 

P.S.- Try to find yourself again. I truly don't think that you have low self-esteem, but if you do find your passion in life, that zest, you won't feel bogged down as much, and will have a stronger perception of what makes a healthy relationship vital for your own ( and each other's) well-being.

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