This whole nonsense No-Contact rule

OK chaps, here's the deal. Ex's who you want to stay friends with (ignore this if you really don't care whether you see them again).

Basically, I agree that no-contact is a good idea for finding your own sense of self again while you heal.

HOWEVER, I would advise you NOT to go pyscho and start "blocking sender" on your email etc, because shutting someone out of our life completely poses the risk of going the other way - i.e. building up images in your own head that are probably more destructive.

Stay in touch with reality through the break up process. Don't call, don't email - but don't shut any opportunity of your ex to contact you if its just going to make you more confused and messed up (e.g. "I wonder if she'd emailed me - oh no, I blocked sender, so now I won't even know. Aagh. Aagh. Aagh").

Just relax. Concentrate on yourself and let life take its course in the meantime. Yes the occasional contact from him/her might hurt for a bit. But gradually it eases.

That's what I think anyway.

i agree. when my ex and i officially broke up, i was thinking of getting a new phone/cell number and email address...then i thought why bother? my exbf and i didn't have contact for six weeks when all of the sudden i get a call from him when i least expected.

I disagree . No CONTACT means no contact.

Everytime they call, which they will, you will be right back to square one.

Is that the way to heal a heart. Nope. If you can deal with being friends with someone who broke up with you, then congrats. Then what is the point of no contact then if you still wants to be friends after a braekup. You are correct in regards to letting your heart heal, but you wont heal while you are still in contact with your ex. Being friends with an ex right after a breakup is very rare , and if you can be friends right after a breakup, did you really love that person as much as you once thought.

So for those who thinks its okay to speak with their ex when they call, you might want to think again.

I disagree Michael2. If you want your ex back, then why play games. You don't want the relationship to be based on game playing,

If you feel like talking to them - then talk to them (though i do agree that you shouldn't call them...atleast not straight way)

On saying this I do think that you should let yourself believe that thay are necessarily calling you to get back together.

So basically what i am saying is, if they call and you want to talk ..then talk...but don't lay any hopes on the conversation and don't start gushing or begging...keepthe convo light and simple..

Sure if they want to talk about what happened then by all means talk.

I agree with space and the others.

I won't be contacting my ex anytime soon for my motives wouldn't be in the right place right now but if he contacts me it won't be totally out of the question to answer it.

You have to know how to be strong within yourself.

I also agree with the rest to some degree, no contact has always been impossible with my ex and myself. I never actually contact her myself, but shes been contacting me on and off for the past 4 months. Yes at first it hurt, but as time goes by and my hopes that shed suddenly woken up to reality and want me back are fading, it gets easyier. I know i can't talk to my ex right now as if nothing happened, but i also dont want to shut her out for good.

We believe that if we were to do the on contact thing for real, it would mean we'd have to ignore each other at social occasions, and you just can't come back from that i guess. I think it just depends on your situation, i actually have my ex blocked from msn because i know she will message me alot if i didn't but i dont believe in cutting her off totally as even if there was a possiblilty of us becoming friends again or even getting back together there would be no way for her to get in contact with me. If you did that your ex may even take it the wrong way and just give up trying to ever reconcile in the future, you force them to move on.

Thats my opinons anyways.

Good luck everyone i know i get stronger as each day passes.

hello everyone. when me and my boyfriend of 2 years, off and on had been broken up and i got a new boyfriend, i had to be careful i didn't end up liking him again. we don't talk on the phone, but we'll say hi to each other every once in a while. i am careful not to talk to him very often though, and i refuse to flirt with him or say anything that implies that i care about him as more than a friend.

EmptySoul

Hey heavnwild - quoting you:

"But you definitely shouldnt cut them out completely by changing your contacts. I mean how else will you laugh at them when they come crawling back, begging?"

I like your sense of humor. It is feels good to laugh at our own situations - it relieves alot of pain. I want to laugh more these days - maybe I'll rent a funny movie tonight.

But, seriously, for me, no contact definitely is a good thing - its been 1 month since I've last spoken to her online. I have blocked her out of my msn messenger, but that's about it - I just don't want her to catch me online anymore like she did our last contact - and long story short - the conversation put me back to square one. And I can't change any of my emails or phone numbers because I have a public job - and I'm not going to change my email and phone just because of her, and then tell a hundred people who rely on me that I've changed my email and phone- what for? If she calls me or emails me (which I hope she doesn't, and I suspect that she won't), I hope I will have the strength and courage to say no - because I've been down that road, and I know it really hurts if they reject you again.

So -kudos to you people who can do the contact thing. I myself do not want to talk to her because I haven't fully healed and let go - I still have strong feelings for her, and I would just melt and succumb to her every wishes if she called me or emailed me. But I wish her all the best right now, and I don't think I'm being cruel or she is either for not contacting each other - like Luv_Sucks says, we're both looking out for #1 now, and that's how it should be - so that means (at least for me) - no contact.

In the future (I don't know when), I hope I can break the no contact rule and maybe even become friends with her - but only after I've healed. I'm not so sure for those of you who are still in contact whether you've actually fully healed or not? Maybe you have, and I am so jelous of you people who can be strong and heal very quickly - for me though, I am like a turtle - I need my time to heal. It was a 2 year and 3 month relationship - and its only been 2 months since we've broken up - so I am still in the recovery room, lying on the bed, but at least I can sit up now and watch tv.

Good luck to you all - maybe (for those who are living in east canada/north eastern usa) we'll have a really good valentines weekend and have another blackout.

woah guys, hold up!

The original post was almost spot on , and it got twisted from there on.

Who said you need to cut them off and and block them out of your life? Yes it makes life easier, but you don't have to change your address or block their number. You simply don't use it, and look after yourself until you feel prepared to talk to them again without feeling any unbearable pain. The only time when it may be necessary is if they persist in contacting you and you don't want them back, like in Micheal2's case.

If you can still talk to your ex without remembering all those memories and somehow getting hurt by it then your a lucky star 8) , and there is no point in reading on.

But for the majority that just isn't possible, which is why you simply take them out of the picture so you can heal and become a better person! Everytime you contact them you are simply preventing yourself from moving on while at the same time making it longer to get the response out of that person if you want them back. You won't be able to move on if YOU keep in contact every now and then because you are still hanging on to the past. Yea you might get use to it, but your not moving on.

No contact is simply a time to focus all your energies on YOURSELF. This does not imply that you are not worthy of a relationship, simply that you need to avoid unessessary pain, and frustration and all road blocks to happiness and success. To do this you need to divert your attention from your ex, to yourself and start internal work for true happiness to become accessible to you.

In the process you will also raise your chances to win them back. Giving the impression that you are moving on not only makes you desirable, but it will also make them miss you. If you are suffering right now, its because you can see your ex moving on with their life and making no attempt to contact you while you are still sobbing on what you had. By playing it their way, it will only have the same effect, and it doesn't mean you have to block any channel of contact does it? Look at the way they are playing- they haven't deleted their number or changed their address have they?

Good luck No contact is god-sent, save some pride and move on.

to be honest, i dont like the no contact rule. i think that communication is required just on a limited basis. before i came to this site, i didnt know about it, and i got on fine.

but thats just me.

(just wanted to state my view) kel

The worst thing is that if u ever really loved that person and they really loved u back also , you will forever have a soft spot for them and they will alwayz know the way to make u feel

but the no contact is just takin time to luv urself and get ur pride back on the rails ... how do u want somebody to luv u if u can't even luv and take care of ur own self ?....

To all the ppl that can remain friends congrats , personnaly i can't ... but it's alwayz good to have a windown open if they wanna keep in contact 8)

OK, here is the summary of my dilemma.

I'm a male, 24 y/o

3 year relationship

I was an * * * * * * * for getting moody on her (about 6 times) and tell her i dont want "this" basically, break up. I always eventually run back to her and the last time i almost lost her...wel, this time she aint coming back to me. I begged and beseasched for 2 weeks now then i read a book saying "no contact".

So i decided to take that route. I texted her and tell her dont contact me unless u want to start over. I let her know that "friendship" is not an option

No contact for me has always been about my not intiating contact, as my dumper ex's have left and are no longer wanting to be in touch with me...for me it's been a way to push myself to move on and not bargain, wallow, or lose any more dignity or self esteem than being broken up with has already caused. If an ex of mine were to contact me, and had a legitimate reason for doing so (that they expressed clearly), of course I would talk to them. NC is for those of us who haven't had much choice in the breakup matter and who need to grieve the loss of the relationship, even if we had no say in how that ended, and move on. For people who have children together or for dumpers who sincerely want to try again, then that's different.

I'm debating the no contact rule. Sure, it makes you stronger in the end but at the same time if you tell someone that you need space to heal and grow, even if you were dumped... wouldn't that make the dumper respect your wishes and not contact you until you do wish to speak to them?

My situation is different but for me the theme remains the same. The break up speech I was given was filled with excuses and cop outs...and basically he broke up with me because he couldn't handle a rough patch. Am I responsible as well for the demise? Yes. He claimed that it would be better to just be friends because we rarely fought as such... yet he left for a while because it was emotionally draining to not admit his feelings for me. We fought as a couple based on petty stupid things that I see later on. He wants to be friends... but if someone gives you that excuse, how can you be true friends with someone when that problem still arises? Those issues still remain, and will until they are worked out. So I am in no contact with him, not to play games, but to simply give a clear message that I do value what we had... and possibly he will see the same. Possibly he will admit that he was wrong... or possibly he will let me go and hopefully better himself in life as well. Only time will tell. While I do love and care for him very much (and he admitted the same.... trust me, the breakup does not make sense other than he freaked out), I don't have hope of getting back together, I simply don't want to make the mistakes that I have in the past with others. It does not have to last forever.

NC works IF the person that was the dumper needed space and time and it is good for the dumpees who need to get over what the dumper has already decided in their mind long before the "talk". But let's not all be stubborn and never talk to each ex because it is told by books and others to do so... every case is different.

The debate continues

It really depends on how the relationship ends. If it's a mutual breakup on a good term LC might work better than NC if both want to be friends. This worked for me with one ex and we're the best friends for 7 years now! But if the breakup is in very bad terms such as caused by GIGS, cheating, abusing, ambivalence, one-sided, or the third person, NC will keep the dumpee maitain the dignity and regain the confidence and control.One good by-product of NC is that they might start missing you and come back to you. I had the experience where when I stopped initiating contact and trying hard people (including the exes and friends) would initiate contact with me. Very weird psychology. Maybe absence does make a heart fonder?!

However, in general, I favor NC for a while so that each can clear up his/her own mind. My ex left for another woman so my NC might be forever as long as they're together. You don't have to block your ex-that's very childish behavior to me, simply not initiating the contact or ignoring them if their contact is not genuine. Moreover, why would I change my phone numbers and emails just for one person because I have to notify hundreds of others?

I disagree Michael2. If you want your ex back, then why play games. You don't want the relationship to be based on game playing,

If you feel like talking to them - then talk to them (though i do agree that you shouldn't call them...atleast not straight way)

On saying this I do think that you should let yourself believe that thay are necessarily calling you to get back together.

 

So basically what i am saying is, if they call and you want to talk ..then talk...but don't lay any hopes on the conversation and don't start gushing or begging...keepthe convo light and simple..

Sure if they want to talk about what happened then by all means talk.

NC is not about playing games...it's about learning to respect for each other's boundaries and love yourself. Most people can't handle talking to their exes while these exes don't genuinely want to come back or make the relationship work. In a situation like this LC only brings false hope and thus prolongs the healing process for both people.

NC, NC, NC

It heals the Dumpee,

It helps you focus on life,

It makes u remember that the earth does not spin around that ONE person

It makes everything better. There is not better alternative, until now.. If so, someone suggest it.

It's been over a month NC for me and i've actually surprised myself with how much stronger I am this time around. It hurts like hell to do it but then again, if I was constantly texting or calling my ex and receiving nothing in return, that would hurt way worse.

So after a month, my ex finally txted me a few days ago saying he would like to see me to talk and give me some things and said he completely understood if I didn't want to but if I wanted to see him this weekend, he'd drive down to see me.

As much as I wanted to txt back, I have decided to still maintain NC. No point in txting him back saying I'm not ready - I'm sure he's already worked that out by now. I don't want him to think I am his doormat again, running to him as soon as HE is ready to see me. And just like he did to me, he can sit and wonder what I am doing and what I'm thinking - sometimes saying nothing says ALOT more.

I don't know when or if I will contact him but I figure if he really wanted to talk to me, he knows how to get in contact with me again - am I doing the right thing?

Marton, it depends on what your goal is. After all this NC, do you want him back?

I suggest, if you think you might, you say text back sometime saying "sorry, I'm really busy...another time maybe" and let it go. No commitment, no real message, just indifference. If he texts or calls again in a week or two, then maybe he's ready to give it another chance, and you'll have a decision to make.

OK guys, i broke my NC today. My gf was outa town and the weather was bad. I was concerned & i call. Shooks man, now i have to start over.

Any advice? should i breakdown my problem some more?

Marton, it depends on what your goal is. After all this NC, do you want him back?

 

I suggest, if you think you might, you say text back sometime saying "sorry, I'm really busy...another time maybe" and let it go. No commitment, no real message, just indifference. If he texts or calls again in a week or two, then maybe he's ready to give it another chance, and you'll have a decision to make.

Hi Autumn,

Well I didn't reply back to him but I received an email today saying he was going to transfer some money that he still owes me, that he was going to leave my stuff at my house but that he still would really like to see me to explain alot of things. So I guess after receiving that, I called him. I don't know.. I kind of just thought "stuff it, what have I got to lose"? So we talked for a bit, he told me he's actually getting help which makes me very happy. He told me he misses me alot and loves me but I don't expect anything to change really. I really want him back but realistically, I know that at this moment in time, I need to step back and give him all the time in the world to do what he needs to do. However I've decided to see him this weekend - I just want to get it over and done with and he wants to explain alot of things to me and I can only listen and get everything off my chest too. There is still alot of love there but he just can't be the person I need him to be right now which pains me alot but nothing I can do.

Marton04 - you have the exact right mindset. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do, and while it hurts, coming to that realization is really the most important thing to getting past it.

I admit I did not read every post in this thread, however, I just wanted to say: I think my BF (well, ex BF now) suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder...so, when he contacted me recently and said, "Is this M-----, Don't Ever Call Me Again, R----", I called back and left this message:

Hi there...got your message, of course. If you want to have a conversation void of self-centered-ness, justification, manipulation - stuff like that; if you want to have a conversation that has some depth, and perhaps, hold meaning, let me know. And I know, that YOU know, that I'm not kidding."

Boundaries are very important when dealing with some folks. (And no, I don't think I will hear from him. But that was not a ruse, and I wasn't kidding! )

One thing i realize that i was doing, is blaming myself.

I can guess that 90% of the hurt ur feeling...or anyone is feeling is becuz they are blaming thereselves for not being X, not doing y, and not saying Z.

DONT DO IT.

You WILL find someone else even better than this previous person u know why?

Cuz u have learned from this relationship so much that the next one [provided u have a mature person] will be much easier and more mature.

Dont worry about how u feel now, just know that that person who ditched u prob would have if u were married [did u think of tha?t]. Prob would cheat if u were married and whatever u can think of.

Regardless of what u did...even cheating, unless it is not a habbit...and u tried to reconcile... if that person loved u like a good relationship REQUIRES you to, then they would stay.

THink of love as the love ur parents have for you. Will not change. That's the type of love i have for her, but she is gone now. And i am on my way to recovery.

I also did some self searching and found that i need to UPGRADE my self. MY appearance, my mind, my spirit. I did just that and VOILA...chicks all over me again, even some older more mature women as my mind is now more mature.

So friends It's good that they left this early and the good thing is, finding a partner gets easier with age for some people, as people get desperate and more open. lol

Hi Autumn,

....There is still alot of love there but he just can't be the person I need him to be right now which pains me alot but nothing I can do.

plz explain this part, plz...what do u want him to be?