ready to leave...

i dont know why i have ended up just at this moment at this forum..it seems an odd place to look for advice. Im sure this kind of thing gets heard every day...well, I dont really care I guess. Im a nineteen year old college student, and I should be a happy, outgoing, person..like I used to be not so long ago. Three months ago (give or take), I began to experience strange feelings I had never felt before, I didnt want to leave my dorm room, i shunned my friends, I began withdrawing in general. There was no reason for these things to happen, they just did. I was the type of person I suppose most people in this kind of state despise. I was the quarterback jock in high school, very popular, always ready to party and hang with friends. Now, one year into college, I am on the brink of ending my life, for what reason I have no idea..all i know is that I have a pain inside of me that grows with each passing day, and no amount of medication, drinking, smoking, or partying will make it go away. My thoughts have been increasingly suicidal to the point where I wrote a six page suicide note last night.

I never thought of myself as someone who could actually end it, but lately, it seems a distinct and real possibility. Its like im seeing things in black and white, I dont talk to friends, I dont do anything. I quit the rugby team, stopped studying, stopped anything social. I cant stop what seems to be this downward spiral. I cant talk to anyone because of how ashamed I am at what is happening. I am the last person in the world that people would think this would happen to, including myself. I have no faith, I have nothing. The point is, everything is there for me, but i have pushed it away. I wish this pain would go away, I feel like a spoiled &(%# for feeling like this. I dont know.

I cant bear the thought of putting my mom through the hell that would come with her son killing himself, so i think of ways to make it look like an accident. I think of my five brothers and sisters. It keeps me alive. However, every night...things get blacker and blacker, I sit on the floor with a razor staring at my arms, wondering if I can make the final step..so far, I have not been able to bring myself to do it. I want to make this pain go away, but I dont want to leave behind me a world of pain for my family. Right now, I would give any object, any amount of money, anything, to not feel the way I do. I dont know.

What is wrong with u ppl at ur stage? Thing always comes "me first" to those ppl who truly has nothing much to worry about but always feel like suicide... r u a craven or something? As my b/f is suffering from uncurable cancer and we are still hving the faith and taking steps to our future, I realise the past few years how stupid I am while I was hving sort of this downward spirit... We dont know what life will give us for god sake, but only if we hv the believe and work on it, there is always a saying " there is a will, there is a way"

longrun,

Until you've been in severe emotional pain you could not possibly understand. It is just as painful (in fact sometimes more so) than physical pain.

While I certainly don't mean to be unsympathetic toward your boyfriends plight, I would ask you not to be unsympathetic towards people who feel suicidal. Suicide is a major form of death, just as cancer is. And suicide is caused by emotional pain. People that are in this severe of pain can't just "get over it". If they could they certainly would.

readytoleave,

Please seek help immediately. I have been where you are and it is vital that you get some assistance. Call your doctor (or call any doctor) and get in there. Get started on some medication to help even out your emotions. And then get scheduled for some therapy.

Therapy will help you sort out why you are feeling as you do. I know you mentioned there isn't any reason thats obvious for why you feel as you do. So thats why I think its vital you start talking to someone so things can get figured out. Maybe its just a chemical imbalance and medication will help that, but I wouldn't want to chance it. Plus the meds are going to take several weeks to work and you need help now.

If it gets really bad, please call a suicide hotline. I can put you in touch with several if you'd like. They WILL talk to you and they will not think you are crazy. They are very kind and wonderful people who are willing to listen to whatever is going through your mind.

Also, please read the information here:

link removed

There is some very good information that will help you understand whats happening to you. We are behind you all the way. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

avman

Readytoleave:

Please heed Avman's advice. What you are describing is classic depression. Depression is often caused by a temporary chemical imbalance. It could be something so simple as a food reaction.

In any case, you need to seek the help of a professional. If you had a high fever, night chills, and felt overall crappy.. you would go to the doctor right? Same thing applies here.. the difference is that more than likely your symptoms are biochemical rather than viral.

Since you have had no major life trauma that you mention (such as family members dying, divorce, major changes in life or your health), and cannot identify why you feel the way you do.. it is unlikely that the underlying problem is the inability to copy (coping tools are what you receive in therapy).

We implore you to seek help.. very soon if not now.

Sincerely,

AzurePhoenix

I'm 19 myself and I have felt like the world has not been on my side before. I was in so much emotional pain that I just wanted it to end and other situations where I just wanted it to go away.

Suicide sometimes looks like a perfect plan, except you die and no one wants to die. It just seems like the perfect answer to all of your problems.

There is no easy way out except to work out all your issues then try and cross them off as resolved.

*gives you a hug*

cheer up mate things do get better!

my 25 year old brother killed himself last year. I beg you to not do it. Get medication, sek counceling. It can help I promise. Life is hard. It almost killed my mother when he did it and I ache inside every day. I miss him and cry on his headstone for not being able to help him. I should have seen the signs, I will forever feel guilty for him dying. Talk to your sister, talk to a docotr, goto a clinic. Days are brighter. I promise you. He killed himself over his job lose and his girlfriend leaving him. One week after he died he got a job offer in the mail and a girl he had been friends with for awhile told me she was in love with him all along but scared to say something. Now it is too late. He will never have those chances. When you are young, younger, it seems life is unfair. it is, you have health though and you hve time on your side. please look to the sun, not the clouds. Suicide is not a choose, it is an answer to a problem when all the options have been exhausted. Have you exhausted all your options? Have you talked to family and friends and doctors?have you tried meds? therapy? How about takingyour pain and helping someone else. Become a grief councler, goto school to help understand what makes people feel the way you do so noone else must suffer. BUT please, dont leave your sister crying on your headstone in the middle of winter. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I didnt help my brother, I hope something I write one of these days will help someone else.