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Thread: Head says to Break-up, Heart says to Stay Together...

  1. #1
    sayer7
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    Head says to Break-up, Heart says to Stay Together...

    My bf and I have been together for alittle over a year. We've talked a lot about staying together for the long haul and one day getting married. The good times are wonderful, the bad times are horrible. Communication level is very low the last few months...we cannot talk about important relationship issues, and my feelings of intimacy have decreased because of all the arguments we have, petty and serious.

    We argue about everything, and when we argue about big things such as having kids, him drinking too much on weekends, or getting a pet, or where to live after we get married, etc- we can never seem to find a compromise. We are both hard-headed but I feel I'm the only one that tries to compromise but my compromise is never good enough so the issue is left unaddressed and returns.

    The biggest issues: having children, and his temper.

    In terms of children, I chose to take special estrogen pills so as not to go into menopause at 20... Now at 25 unfortunately the pills caused me to have a large softball sized tumor that I just had to have major surgery to remove. He called and starts telling me how angry he is at the doctor who prescribed me the pills. And although I told him it was my choice to take the pills, he is adamant about blaming the doctor for my needing surgery. The argument finally came down to him never wanting to or ever having seriously thought about having children with me- so his stance is "Why should I take the pills because he doesn't like or want children right now."... He doesn't seem to understand that I was the one that made the choice to take on the risk of getting tumors because I want the option to have kids one day. He doesn't seem to care about what I want or appreciate what I've gone through to keep the option of having children open to me. I feel very heartbroken he has never seriously considered having children with me after we get married. What would happen if I accidently got pregnant before we got married? Would he abandon me to have a child on my own and blame me for getting pregnant? It's become a trust issue.

    As for his temper, he is working on restoring a house which means there are times he gets really frustrated when things aren't working as planned. If a razor blade is dull, he gets angry and throws the blades accross the room even if I'm in the room with him. If a tile accidently breaks while he's trimming it, he'll get angry and slam the tile down onto the floor to make it shatter even if I'm nearby. When this kind of thing happens I tell him that such behavior is unacceptable to me, that it scares me, and I leave the house a few hours until I know he has cooled down. I come back and he is angry at me because I left him because he got angry that way. I ask him "How can I trust that one day you won't get angry with me and try to throw me accross the room or break me?" and he says he would never do that, etc... but it's become a trust issue for me and his behavior disturbs me. He says he will never change his behavior and he has a right to be angry that way sometimes. He doesn't feel the need to learn to control his temper.

    I have been away from him for over a week having my tumor surgery which I had to deal with on my own without family support to get me to and from the hospital etc... I've had a lot of time to think about our relationship issues. Today he is picking me up to take me back home. I know he will take good care of me while I'm recovering, he is a very honest, hard-working man, and I know he loves me. He has always complimented me about everything. In all reality he talks so good of me sometimes I feel ashamed I can't talk as well of him as much as he does me. He thinks I am too good for him. If he were willing to try to work on the issues I think we would be a perfect couple though.

    He is content to suffer through the issues without resolving them. He doesn't know I've been considering leaving him. I want to be part of his life even if we do break up. If we were to break up I would want to do so in a way that would ensure a life-long friendship with him but I don't know how to do this.

    Am I being self-fish? Would I be a coward to break up with him? Should I stick with the relationshipand see if things work out and he is willing to work on the issues this time around?

  2. #2
    Brneyegirll
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    First off, im not an expert but i was married to a great man for 12 yrs with whom i learned alot about a relationship, true love..etc.

    Personally on the children issue...you need to talk to him and somehow get him to listen. You do need to know if he will ever want children in the future. If he doesnt and you truly do, you should make a decision weather to stay with him. This is a serious issue and you do have every right to know where he stands!

    As far as his temper..he probably needs some counseling for that. And i think you right to worry about it being worse later and maybe even him vented it towards you. I was married to an abusive guy for 6yrs, my first marriage. Those are beginning signs! Be careful!

    When or if you decide to break up with him, its better to cut ALL ties to him. You wont be able to shut your feelings for him off and just be friends. Before you break up for good, i would sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. And let him know everything you just wrote about..even the fact of the things you want/expect. He may be willing to change. I would give him a chance to! Make sure you make the issue of having children Clear.
    Good Luck to you

  3. #3
    sayer7
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    When I try to sit down and have a heart to heart he tries to end the conversation either by leaving the house to do errands or going to bed and falling asleep even though he knows I still want to talk. If I push to continue talking about the issues, voices get raised and we argue even louder-- not conducive to a rational heart-to-heart conversation. Like I said our communication levels are at a all time low... if we start to talk about anything important like these issues, he says "I'm done talking about the issue, I'm going to work on my house now" or "I'm going to bed, I'm done having this conversation."

    How do you keep a man from trying to end the conversation like this with out it turning into a big argument?

  4. #4
    Brneyegirll
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    Im having the same problem with my bf. He trys to avoid important issues that concern our relationship. He tells me..Im being to serious about everything. So what ive learned that works is..I tell him if he's not gonna listen and solve our problems, them im breaking up and i will date other people because im not living like this. I told him this one time and he started listening and responding. Im not saying it will work for you but it did for us when he realized i was sick of him withdrawing and i was walking.
    I told him if he couldnt communicate with me now..i was not going to marry him because it would only gets worse. So far, he has been ok.
    [/quote]

  5. #5
    colly
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    Do not use the breaking up thing do try to get a reaction. I have jsut made this very mistake.

    I am Male. I had a lot of issues with myself. I talked to my partner about it. She did listen, but increasingly became frustrated with me constantly going on about it. She did not see that there was a problem. I myself, got annoyed that even though the problem was not hers, she told me not to worry. But the problems were still there for me.

    I have several times used the its not working, break up excuse to try to get a reaction from her, to try to get her to listen to me. It did not really work, and this time, has backfired fatally. Use caution.

  6. #6
    sayer7
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    Yea I've done the same thing... it got old cause we never wound up breaking up and we still haven' tresolved any issues.

    I sent an email to him last night after our argument about children with some questions about the big issues that we keep arguing about....

    I'll paste and copy sections for you... please help me translate... I was hoping for just yes/no answers..:

    "1. If I were to accidently get pregnant would you still love me
    without over-powering resentment, and would you be fully willing (if not ready) to take on the role of 'father' and take responsibility for the child?

    --yes. but i don't want you to 'happen to get pregnant' just because i said yes to that question. i would hope no one would do that to someone.

    Could you still be very happy in life despite the
    added responsibility of being a father?

    --to say I could answer that question at all would be naive on my part. I think I would still be happy, but how can I know that for sure. I'm certainly not gonna be miserable in life no matter what happens."

    My response is I can't believe he would insinuate I would EVER TRY to ACCIDENTLY get pregnant now that he answered 'yes' to that question. I am deeply hurt that he feels "I'm out to get him in this way."

    What do I do now.....

  7. #7
    Brneyegirll
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    He is feeling like you might trap him. What you need to do is sit down and talk to him about the "FUTURE". Your future together. And then ask him if he will want kids in the future with you. Your still young(dont know his age). Guys take much longer to mature than women. I think its very good he is being honest because he probably is not ready for kids at this time. And if he were to have them not being ready, he probably would not be cabable of being all he could be as a dad.
    Let him know the reason you asked him those questions were because you do want kids in the future and you just want to make sure you are gonna be with someone who also does..not that your wanting to get pregnant now. You should let him know because those questions may run him off without explaining yourself well to him. Men think totaly different from us women. It's like they are on a totally different planet. I have learned this finally!

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