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Thread: No Contact? What if he is seeing someone else?

  1. #1
    Member luxe_13's Avatar
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    No Contact? What if he is seeing someone else?

    Hi everyone,
    Here is my original post if you'd like to get some background info on my story
    link removed

    My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago now. He is seeing someone new (not the cause of the breakup)
    He called me on Christmas Eve to say Merry Christmas and also tell me he is seeing someone else now (says "it's just casual"). He knew that I already knew about this new girl, so why did he have to tell me that!?
    He also said he would like to remain friends and all he wants is for me to be happy.

    I still love him so much and want him back. My question really is, How does the no contact rule work if he is seeing someone else? I know he would be missing me right now if he were still single ..but he has a distraction!
    Should I let him see me looking really good? Should I call him every now and then for a friendly chat ?
    What about the saying "out of sight, out of mind"?

    Has anyone had any luck getting the ex back even if they are seeing someone else?
    What can I do to help the situation? I am trying to forget him> I have been going out and seeing other guys, but no one compares to him.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
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    Hello luxe_13

    Unfortunately the no contact rule does NOT work when your ex is seeing somebody else. And the reason is exactly what you have said:
    I know he would be missing me right now if he were still single ..but he has a distraction!
    So really now the no contact rule will be to help YOU heal. Its not going to help you get your ex back. He is with somebody new. And in that case, the best advice I can offer you is its time to heal and move on.

    It sounds like you are trying to move on. And thats great. Give it some time. You will heal and eventually you won't be comparing every guy to your ex.

    avman

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    I don't know if this helps, but I'm going through the exact same thing. My gf broke up with me a couple of months ago and now she is seeing someone else. I've been doing the no contact thing even before I found out she has someone else. Now I really don't want to call her. I think she has forgotten about me, I am the past and now she has someone new to sink her teeth into. She probably doesn't miss me, she knows she hurt me, she might even feel guilty. But she is occupying her time with a new guy who meets her needs better than I did, so I'm sure I'm a distant memory. If things go sour with him, I'm sure I'll hear from her. If not, then its ok. Who knows. All I know is that I can't count on her coming back, I don't want her back. I can't even count on having her as a friend, now that she is happy with someone else. So I'm doing the only thing I can do, move on and force myself to meet new people. Sometimes I think her dating another person and not calling me anymore is the best thing that could have happened, I miss talking to her but I know I would NEVER be able to move on keeping contact with her. So my advice to you is to not contact him and maybe he will start to miss you. My attitude now is "if you don't want to be with me then see ya!" Why let him string you along if he has someone new, so if he breaks up with her he can come back to you? My ex did that one time before and I lost all pride and dignity. Sometimes you just have to let things go. As for him calling to tell you he has someone else, how cruel. Another reason to cut things off. You will find someone else who wants to be with you, as will I. Just lay low for a while and heal. Hope this helps.

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    Member luxe_13's Avatar
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    Would it hurt?

    Thanks Guys. I kow, it's true no contact is helping me not think about him so much. I just don't understand how he could have moved on so quickly. He was the one in love with me! I never did anything to hurt him. Just weeks before he broke up with me he told me that from our first date he knew that I was the girl he was going to marry.
    What is the likelyhood that this is a rebound relationship for him? Do rebound relationships ever work-- surely he must have healing to do too. We went through alot together
    I know I have to move on- and i am.. I am kind of seeing someone but taking it very slowly as I don't want to hurt him.
    Should I close any hope of us getting back together with my ex in the future? I know I will always love him unconditionally. What we had can never be replaced.
    Would the occasional friendly phonecall hurt my chances? I can't see that I have anything to lose at the moment...it couldn't possibly get any worse could it?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
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    Well, it could get worse if it prolongs your pain. If you think you can call them and remain friendly without causing you pain then its fine. But I think it will be extremely difficult to be friends until you are over them.

    And also, if you are 'kind of' seeing somebody it wouldn't really be fair to them if you are seriously trying to reconcile with your ex.

    I'd really wait until you are healed and over them before doing much in the way of contact.

    I hope you find happiness!

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    Personally, I tried the occasional friendly phone call but it just caused me more pain. Again, like I said they dumped us why should we be persuing them. If they want us back then they know what to do, and its not calling us to tell them they have someone else. If you call occasionally, you will know what is going on in his life and your imagination will run wild about him and the new girl. I did that, at it really messed up my head for awhile. It was like an addiction, I had to know what was going on in her life or I was worried she'd forget about me if I didn't call every once in awhile. But it gets to the point where you can't take the pain anymore and you have to cut it off anyway. Why not cut it off now that you have the chance instead of letting it linger on. I hope this helps, this is what i have learned.

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    I have been thinking about the question "Can I still love them, or should I shut the door completely on my ex?" a lot recently. It seems that during the beginning of a break up, we see things in very black and white terms. Either we are together, or we are not. Either you love me, or you don't. But the more I think about this, the more I realize that humans are walking contradictions, and that there really is no "black and white" when it comes to humans, and especially emotions.

    I think once sufficient time has passed that the pain isn't so sharp anymore that we can have relationships with our exs. I think it is important to allow yourself time to heal so that you can reset the emotions.

    Sorry for the off-topic in your thread.

    Best Wishes,
    bdub

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    Member luxe_13's Avatar
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    Thanks

    Thank You for all your advice guys. I have been thinking about all this-- whether I should keep in contct or not , and you're right.
    He can't forget about what we had that easily. If he wants to call me he has my number. I still feel such strong emotions everytime I speak to him.
    If we can't be together I would like to be friends but I know I'm not ready.

    I know I must accept that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I would still like to think I have a place in his heart and maybe he will find it again someday. We did go through so much together. What we had is so hard to find. I know you aren't phsychics but is it possible that one day he will be ready to try "us" again?
    I still can't understand how 2 people could be so in love and share so much...to then never even speaking again!? Are people so cold?

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    I know exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago after being together for almost 3 years. I found a card he gave me for our anniversary about a month and a half before he broke up with me. It said how I'm his one true love and I am perfect for him. I asked him after the break up if that was all true and he said of course. How feelings can change so quickly, I don't know. I also just recently found out that he is seeing someone new. I have a feeling this is a rebound relationship. I just have to realize that what we had was special and can't be so easily replaced. I try and keep the hope alive that he will realize what we had and come back but I can't think about it. I have to move on. If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll still be happy one day. I think the same goes for you. I know it's hard now and hurtful that someone you were once so close to is now like a stranger. I've been trying the no contact thing and he actually has started to im recently, just asking how I've been. It's hard though because my feelings for him are so strong. To your question about people being so cold, I don't think it's possible for someone to have shared so much with another person and just put it behind them so easily. I'm sure your ex still thinks about you and that he always will remember what you had. I just think people deal with things differently. The easiest way for me to deal with this is to tell myself that my ex has changed and that he is no longer the person I fell in love with. That's the only way I could rationalize it to myself. I wish you luck with everything and just remember that everything happens for a reason. We may not know that reason now but one day we will and everything will become a lot clearer to us.

  11. #10
    Member luxe_13's Avatar
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    jd21
    Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I've read some of your other recent posts too. Amazing.
    It's strange to feel almost ok and happy again one day and feeling like life is over the next.
    I feel like my ex has brought out every emotion inside me possible.
    I wish I could just press rewind and do it all again. Breaking up has taught me so many things about myself. I just wish he could know that. I would be so muuch happier and grateful for what i had.
    Life is such an amazing rollercoaster. Who know's what's ahead. I guess if we stay positive, good things will come - whether it be another chance with the ones we have loved and lost or happiness with someone new.
    At the very least I feel lucky to know what it is like to be truly loved by someone...

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