No Contact? What if he is seeing someone else?

Hi everyone,

Here is my original post if you'd like to get some background info on my story

link removed

My ex broke up with me almost 3 months ago now. He is seeing someone new (not the cause of the breakup)

He called me on Christmas Eve to say Merry Christmas and also tell me he is seeing someone else now (says "it's just casual"). He knew that I already knew about this new girl, so why did he have to tell me that!?

He also said he would like to remain friends and all he wants is for me to be happy.

I still love him so much and want him back. My question really is, How does the no contact rule work if he is seeing someone else? I know he would be missing me right now if he were still single ..but he has a distraction!

Should I let him see me looking really good? Should I call him every now and then for a friendly chat ?

What about the saying "out of sight, out of mind"?

Has anyone had any luck getting the ex back even if they are seeing someone else?

What can I do to help the situation? I am trying to forget him> I have been going out and seeing other guys, but no one compares to him.

Hello luxe_13

Unfortunately the no contact rule does NOT work when your ex is seeing somebody else. And the reason is exactly what you have said:

I know he would be missing me right now if he were still single ..but he has a distraction!

So really now the no contact rule will be to help YOU heal. Its not going to help you get your ex back. He is with somebody new. And in that case, the best advice I can offer you is its time to heal and move on.

It sounds like you are trying to move on. And thats great. Give it some time. You will heal and eventually you won't be comparing every guy to your ex.

avman

I don't know if this helps, but I'm going through the exact same thing. My gf broke up with me a couple of months ago and now she is seeing someone else. I've been doing the no contact thing even before I found out she has someone else. Now I really don't want to call her. I think she has forgotten about me, I am the past and now she has someone new to sink her teeth into. She probably doesn't miss me, she knows she hurt me, she might even feel guilty. But she is occupying her time with a new guy who meets her needs better than I did, so I'm sure I'm a distant memory. If things go sour with him, I'm sure I'll hear from her. If not, then its ok. Who knows. All I know is that I can't count on her coming back, I don't want her back. I can't even count on having her as a friend, now that she is happy with someone else. So I'm doing the only thing I can do, move on and force myself to meet new people. Sometimes I think her dating another person and not calling me anymore is the best thing that could have happened, I miss talking to her but I know I would NEVER be able to move on keeping contact with her. So my advice to you is to not contact him and maybe he will start to miss you. My attitude now is "if you don't want to be with me then see ya!" Why let him string you along if he has someone new, so if he breaks up with her he can come back to you? My ex did that one time before and I lost all pride and dignity. Sometimes you just have to let things go. As for him calling to tell you he has someone else, how cruel. Another reason to cut things off. You will find someone else who wants to be with you, as will I. Just lay low for a while and heal. Hope this helps.

Thanks Guys. I kow, it's true no contact is helping me not think about him so much. I just don't understand how he could have moved on so quickly. He was the one in love with me! I never did anything to hurt him. Just weeks before he broke up with me he told me that from our first date he knew that I was the girl he was going to marry.

What is the likelyhood that this is a rebound relationship for him? Do rebound relationships ever work-- surely he must have healing to do too. We went through alot together

I know I have to move on- and i am.. I am kind of seeing someone but taking it very slowly as I don't want to hurt him.

Should I close any hope of us getting back together with my ex in the future? I know I will always love him unconditionally. What we had can never be replaced.

Would the occasional friendly phonecall hurt my chances? I can't see that I have anything to lose at the moment...it couldn't possibly get any worse could it?

Well, it could get worse if it prolongs your pain. If you think you can call them and remain friendly without causing you pain then its fine. But I think it will be extremely difficult to be friends until you are over them.

And also, if you are 'kind of' seeing somebody it wouldn't really be fair to them if you are seriously trying to reconcile with your ex.

I'd really wait until you are healed and over them before doing much in the way of contact.

I hope you find happiness!

Personally, I tried the occasional friendly phone call but it just caused me more pain. Again, like I said they dumped us why should we be persuing them. If they want us back then they know what to do, and its not calling us to tell them they have someone else. If you call occasionally, you will know what is going on in his life and your imagination will run wild about him and the new girl. I did that, at it really messed up my head for awhile. It was like an addiction, I had to know what was going on in her life or I was worried she'd forget about me if I didn't call every once in awhile. But it gets to the point where you can't take the pain anymore and you have to cut it off anyway. Why not cut it off now that you have the chance instead of letting it linger on. I hope this helps, this is what i have learned.

I have been thinking about the question "Can I still love them, or should I shut the door completely on my ex?" a lot recently. It seems that during the beginning of a break up, we see things in very black and white terms. Either we are together, or we are not. Either you love me, or you don't. But the more I think about this, the more I realize that humans are walking contradictions, and that there really is no "black and white" when it comes to humans, and especially emotions.

I think once sufficient time has passed that the pain isn't so sharp anymore that we can have relationships with our exs. I think it is important to allow yourself time to heal so that you can reset the emotions.

Sorry for the off-topic in your thread.

Best Wishes,

bdub

Thank You for all your advice guys. I have been thinking about all this-- whether I should keep in contct or not , and you're right.

He can't forget about what we had that easily. If he wants to call me he has my number. I still feel such strong emotions everytime I speak to him.

If we can't be together I would like to be friends but I know I'm not ready.

I know I must accept that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I would still like to think I have a place in his heart and maybe he will find it again someday. We did go through so much together. What we had is so hard to find. I know you aren't phsychics but is it possible that one day he will be ready to try "us" again?

I still can't understand how 2 people could be so in love and share so much...to then never even speaking again!? Are people so cold?

I know exactly how you feel. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago after being together for almost 3 years. I found a card he gave me for our anniversary about a month and a half before he broke up with me. It said how I'm his one true love and I am perfect for him. I asked him after the break up if that was all true and he said of course. How feelings can change so quickly, I don't know. I also just recently found out that he is seeing someone new. I have a feeling this is a rebound relationship. I just have to realize that what we had was special and can't be so easily replaced. I try and keep the hope alive that he will realize what we had and come back but I can't think about it. I have to move on. If it happens, it happens. If not, I'll still be happy one day. I think the same goes for you. I know it's hard now and hurtful that someone you were once so close to is now like a stranger. I've been trying the no contact thing and he actually has started to im recently, just asking how I've been. It's hard though because my feelings for him are so strong. To your question about people being so cold, I don't think it's possible for someone to have shared so much with another person and just put it behind them so easily. I'm sure your ex still thinks about you and that he always will remember what you had. I just think people deal with things differently. The easiest way for me to deal with this is to tell myself that my ex has changed and that he is no longer the person I fell in love with. That's the only way I could rationalize it to myself. I wish you luck with everything and just remember that everything happens for a reason. We may not know that reason now but one day we will and everything will become a lot clearer to us.

jd21

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I've read some of your other recent posts too. Amazing.

It's strange to feel almost ok and happy again one day and feeling like life is over the next.

I feel like my ex has brought out every emotion inside me possible.

I wish I could just press rewind and do it all again. Breaking up has taught me so many things about myself. I just wish he could know that. I would be so muuch happier and grateful for what i had.

Life is such an amazing rollercoaster. Who know's what's ahead. I guess if we stay positive, good things will come - whether it be another chance with the ones we have loved and lost or happiness with someone new.

At the very least I feel lucky to know what it is like to be truly loved by someone...

I WAS DATING A GIRL FOR 6 MONTHS, SHE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, MY BEST FRIEND PASSED AWAY I WENT BACK HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, SO MUCH WAS ON MY MIND I DIDNT CALL HER FOR 2 MONTHS, I GET BACK TO SEE HER SHE TELLS ME SHE GOT BACK WITH HER EX BOYFRIEND, WOW THAT HURT SO MUCH.

IVE TRIED SO MANY WAYS TO TRY TO GET HER BACK, AND I END UP JUST HURTING MYSELF MORE. WE WENT OUT TO DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT, SHE TOLD ME SHE CARES FOR ME AND STILL LIKES ME AND THAT SHE DOES NOT LOVE HER EX BOYFRIEND. SHE TOLD ME I HAD A CHANCE, BUT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE ME BACK BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT BELIEVE I HAVE CHANGED.

I THINK SHE IS TESTING ME OUT, SHE IS NOT CONTACTING ME TO GIVE ME A TASTE OF MY OWN MEDICINE, EXACTLY WHAT I DID TO HER, SHE HER EX BOYFRIEND TO DISTRACT HER.

I THINK MY BEST ADVICE TO YOU, SINCE WE BOTH HAVE THE SIMILAR SITUATION IS NO CONTACT, WE NEED TO BE STRONG AGAIN, AND NOT FEEL THAT WE NEED OUR EX PARTNERS. I KNOW YOU SHARED A LOT WITH HIM THERE IS A LOT OF HISTORY AND TIME, THE SAME WITH ME, BUT WE HAVE TO LEARN TO MOVE ON THIS IS LIFE.

WE CANT FORCE THEM TO FALL IN LOVE WITH US AGAIN, WE HAVE TO MOVE ON TO GO WITH OUR NORMAL DAILY ACTIVITIES, AND IF THAT PERSON FEELS THE SAME THEN THEY WILL COME BACK TO US.

BUT THEN IT WILL BE IN OUR BALL COURT, WE WILL THEN DECIDE DO WE WANT OUR EX BACK AFTER ALL THIS PAIN THEY GAVE US, IT IS SO CRAZY HOW CRAZY OF A GAME THIS RELATIONSHIP THING IS.

I REALLY MISS MY EX, I MISS THE GOOD TIMES, EVERYTHING, BUT I HAVE LEARNED THE HARDER I THINK ABOUT HER, I HARDER I GO AFTER HER, I HARDER I TRY TO MAKE THINGS WORK, SHE BACKS AWAY FROM ME, IF SHE REALLY LOVES ME SHE WILL COME BACK AND IF SHE DOESNT THEN I GUESS IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

ITS VERY SIMPLE, ITS SIMPLY SAID, BUT ITS VERY HARD , MY HEART IS BROKEN, IM SAD ALL THE TIME, BUT I HAVE TO LEARN TO MOVE ON, I HOPE YOU FEEL MY SITUATION BECAUSE IT IS VERY SIMILAR TO YOURS.

IF YOU WANT YOU CAN READ MY OTHER POSTS BECAUSE MINE IS VERY SIMILAR TO YOURS SO MAYBE YOU CAN LEARN ALL THE POSTS IVE HAD IS TO LOSE CONTACT.

Unfortunately i am experienced in these things; in your case he will only come back to you if things don't work out well for him. But the question is; do you want to be that person like a second/third choice? I believe you won't unless you feel so desperate about yourself. My advice to you is "solve your real problem" not the symtom. I think you need to raise your confidence in dating. Define what you really want and deserve and be patiant and strong untill you get it. Invest your time and energy in yourself not hoping to get what you don't deserve back. Whatever happened to you is not by chance, you made it and you can do better or at least the same thing again.

Hey luxe_13,

Are you still on this forum, I see this was posted a VERY long time ago, like 13 years. Just wanted to know how your life turned out. I am struggling with finding hope of moving on atm. Would love to hear how you got through it.

Hey luxe_13, similar to brokenboobsies so your story and exchanges have given me solace. Learning where this took you would be of great value to me.