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My gf of nearly 3 years decided that she needed to move out of our house and get her own place so that she can get to know herself again - among other things. Another major reason is that she says that having her own place is something that she never had and she thinks that is something she needs to experience - having her own things, her own place, her own everything (she went from a marriage of 4 years, having 2 kids, getting divorced and moving in with me - not enough break time in her opinion). You see, part of the problem is that she did not feel at home in our house, because everything in there was mine. She said that she also needs a break and time to herself and just got sick of the stress and frustration that she apparently has been experiencing with me lately.

 

Now, while having her move out is traumatic enough, she was also confused as to whether or not she was in love with me. During the final weeks, she would say yes", other days it would be "I don't know", "I'll have to see how I feel about you when I'm on my own", until she ultimately said "no" as her final days in our house were approaching. As you can imagine that was impossible to take and hear, but equally confusing. She remained very close and intimate with me and the affection, looks, caring, etc. didn't change. I don't know about you, but if I were no longer in love with someone, I could not maintain that level of closeness with someone. That would just make you a horrible person.

 

I eventually accepted her moving out and stopped pleading with her to stay - after all she said that this was something that she could not stop from re-occurring in her mind and would only come up again in the future. I didn't want to stop her from doing this and figured she would have to learn about being on her own and finally grow up.

 

To make matters even more complicated, she has 2 kids from a prior marriage and the relationship I had with them is very special to me. I love the kids as my own and have no problem making them apart of my family. This is the hardest part of the whole breakup - the loss of family.

I knew that I would marry her, she knew that we would get married as well, but she said that at some point that changed somewhat. She said that she would love to marry me, but she feels it would be appear as being too ideal (?). I think she meant that on the surface, everything would appear as an ideal family life, but when it came to her, she was not completely happy because she wants to find her real self again.

 

Part of my problem with this is that she doesn't realize that real, adult relationships are not going to be perfect. People will argue and fight over the dumbest things, that "magic" that was there in the beginning will dwindle one day and all those little things that didn't bug you in the beginning are going to be major issues now. This is typical relationship life cycle stuff - peaks and valleys, good and bad - you know what I mean.

The other factor is that relationships take a lot of work and it will never end. She refuses to see this sometimes and just takes an airy, idyllic approach and thinks that relationships can be perfect and free from conflict. Yes, she can be very naive.

 

The hardest part is having her just sacrifice the whole relationship for the sake of re-discovering herself again. Now, I will agree that we need some time apart, but this particular approach is quite asinine in my opinion. Another stress will be on the kids for having them have to go through another "divorce" again. Since the onset of this breakup, the kids behavior has changed for the worse and they have started to regress. Their behavior has changed, they are whining more, hitting more, etc. Obviously, they are affected by this whole mess, and my gf does not think that is the case.

 

Some of my female friends have said that letting her go to her own place is something that I should not stop her from doing otherwise it would have haunted us again. They say she needs to get her ass kicked by the reality of real life since she has never been on her own - especially with two kids. They also say that all of the things that she has said to me: "not being in love with me", "not wanting to work things out", "not wanted to reconcile" are all things that she HAS to day in order for her to make her move out of the house an easier one. They say she has to make herself feel good about this decision and if that means saying these possible [contrived] comments about us not being together, then that's what she'll do. *My gf did say the night I heard this news, that she is not going to let me convince her to stay and that she is just going to focus on her own place* - So there may be some truth to my friends thoughts. The other odd thing, is that this revelation of not being in love with me just came so suddenly. Quite a different outlook than when she said that she was in love with me and would "wait for her" if she were in my shoes.

 

 

Well it's been close to a month since she's been gone and I avoided contact with her. She has e-mailed me to see how I was doing and just to bs a little bit. I kept the messages brief and to a minimum. I eventually did run into her and maybe it's just me, but the same look I got from her when we first fell in love - just that look of love in general was still there. I really don't want to get my hopes up, but it's something that I can't stop thinking about.

 

Quoting her, she has had the best relationship and best everything with me. My feelings are the same. We are just a very close couple/family that I am very happy and proud to be a part of. I just don't know what in the hell is going on in that girls head. Now, I haven't been an angel either and have done and said some mean things, as she, and so we've also said that we have the worst relationship sometimes. Some others have said that she may feel intimidated and jealous by me, because she has stated that I'm better than her at a lot of different things: finances, career, education, parenting skills, responsibility, etc. They say she may feel that she has to live up to my standards and her not being the "better" person in our relationship may be getting to her. Up until she met me, she says that she was always the caring, loving, romantic, etc. one. When she was with me, I so much more loving, caring, romantic, etc. It may have threw her off.

 

It just seems like a shame that she can just throw away a fantastic relationship with it's highpoints and low points. I try to tell her that is how relationships go - you just have to work at it consistently. Instead, she is going to have a life where she is going to struggle. She barely makes $28k/year, has horrible credit (due to divorce), is bankrupt, has no furniture, or other necessities for the kids. In her mind, she thinks that this is manageable, but she doesn't realize the financial burden and stress that she is going to face. I can appreciate building character, but this is someone that is not very persistent or willing to work hard.

 

So what do you guys think - is this something that time will correct for us and lead us together back together again? Or is it really over? I also think she is getting negative feedback from a few of her friends. They may have been dropping hints to her over time, so that she would leave me - that is speculation though. I must admit, however, that one her friends did say that I may be to good for her. My female friends were shocked and appalled by that answer and all said, what women wouldn't want a man that is too good!?!?!?! They all said that she doesn't know what she is missing because she was with a very caring, nice, loving man (ME) that accepted her and her kids as his own. She had someone that made her and the kids his priority, provided a positive environment, free from drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc. Someone that gave her consistent love, attention, affection, compassion and every fundamental need that a woman could want.

 

This is so confusing to me.

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Welcome to the club my fellow brother.

 

I read your post in detail, and I must tell you it is a sad story. Some questions go unanswered in life. And this may be one of those haunting ones. This is the type of question that will drive you crazy if you let it. I personally just went through something like this. And this is my opinion.

First, I understand your posotion in all of this, and the loss you must be feeling. When people break things off for whatever reason, the kids, the cats, the dogs. They are all like family, and you feel like you lose part of yourself when they move away. My ex had also never lived on her own. And now she lives on her own and does whatever she wants when she wants. She does not report to me, and we have lost daily contact. The daily contact is what I miss most. If you have outside people stating their opinions, that is another problem. One you will have "No Say " about. Sounds like you are a pretty nice guy, and some women don't really want nice guys (even though they would not admit it).....but they want someone

who they feel less intimadated by. In this case that is not you. If your apart and not in daily contact, then the relationship withers like a dying plant that needs water. If she really is the one, she will come back. It is not about the money of the credit, or the divorce. It is about her and how you made her feel. And only she knows that. You can't force somone to love you. My ex went back with a guy she has been breaking up with and going back to for years. I did not even have a clue when we were together that she was going back to this guy. Like you I treated her like a golden Goddess, and yet last time I saw her she had bruises on her arms. It was of course from this ex botfriend. I have to say why would you go back to something like that after the way I treated you. I will never know the answer. Do I miss her....everyday, would I like to have her back....you bet. Will it ever happen, more than likely not. I wish you luck my friend.

Sometimes we lose something very dear to us, and we don't know it while we have it. And when we lose it, sometimes it is very hard to ever get it back. You can't wait forever, sounds like she is moving on, maybe it is time for you to consider doing the same.

 

Peace Of mind

Kuhl

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Heh. I refrained from posting for a while, as that would remove the 0 from your thread, and because I doubt I can help much in this very tough situation...

 

It seems to me like she does feel a bit intimidated by you. I can see it as feeling almost competitive for her - and feeling as though you are bested in nearly every way can't be good.

 

If it is really just because she wants her own place, and to live by herself for a while, I think contacting her and trying to get her back won't help, as she will just get stubborn and feel like that would be giving in. She wants to do this for herself, and prove to herself that she is capable of getting through this on her own. Perhaps she needs to prove to herself that she can be totally self reliant, and that she needs no one.

 

Either way, it is a real shame, especially because it is damaging the kids... standing by and watching must be hellishly difficult

But: If it was meant to be, then everything will work out somehow. Maybe after a time, she will come to realise how much she misses you, how this is affecting the kids, and how crap life really is without you.

 

I hope everything works out for you, good luck.

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I think what is confusing and the most damaging overall is that up until the days she moved out, she would still say "I love you" to me, give me the kiss and hug and everything else. At some points throughout this, it felt like everything was back to normal and even she agreed. But then she would say that the problem is that she feels like the incessant thoughts of her having her own place wouldn't stop. So with that came this sudden realization that she is not in love with me anymore?? The 3 years suddenly don't mean anything??? By sudden, I mean in like a matter of a day or too. The day prior it was I love you and the next day was I don't think I'm in love with you???

 

During the final days of her stay, she said that she wanted to [finally] break up. Up until that point, she wasn't sure how she would feel until she was out on her own. It's been a month so far and she has e-mailed me quite a number of times and I've replied with short, friendly messages.

 

We did end up bumping into each other one day and as awkward as it was, I believe I saw the same look in her eye the day we first met. It is the same look that she would give me when we would have the closest and best times with each other and with the kids. It was love. Now, I'm sure that it's my mind trying to convince myself of this, but I believe that there was something there.

 

She really shouldn't want to compete with me, because there are some things that you just can't do. Most relationships will have a mismatch in the amount of money you make, education, values, beliefs, etc. and that is why it takes a great deal of work and compromise to make it work.

 

I just think that it is going to be really hard to live on her own and support 2 kids with the limited resources that she has. I, on the other hand, have acquired a freedom and life that I haven't had in a long time - I am single once again. However, even with the rekindled freedom and liberty that I have, it still is not the same. I've put so much time, effort, energy, love and everything else to make this relationship work and I never got tired. True, there was a time that I felt like she is now and didn't miss her at times, didn't want to be a father of 2 kids overnight, questioned my love for her and even reconsidered not wanting to marry her. Like her, those thoughts of doubt came and went and it wasn't until I really sat down and assessed them that I really understood what the crux of the problem really was. It was the stress of the whole situation, her inability to understand that her move in with the kids, was a MAJOR life change for me as well as her. It took me a lot of time to really sift through all of these reasons and before I knew it, I felt better and began to love her even more. Hopefully, all of the stress and frustration is what is really clouding her judgment and she will realize like I did that the problem is not us, but everything negative that we created and surrounds us.

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Hello benevolent

 

I read your post thoroughly and couldn't help feeling an awful lot of

clues about the break down was encapsulated in this paragraph of

yours.

 

"She barely makes $28k/year, has horrible credit (due to

divorce), is bankrupt, has no furniture, or other necessities

for the kids. In her mind, she thinks that this is manageable,

but she doesn't realize the financial burden and stress that

she is going to face. I can appreciate building character, but

this is someone that is not very persistent or willing to work

hard."

 

Whether you have told her not, this woman is probably well aware

that these are your views on her. These are probably the views that she has on herself and how painful that must be, I cannot imagine.

 

Yes, you love her, but in your mind and no doubt in hers as well there are questions as to whether she can survive on her ouwn resources,

whether she is a whole person, and exactly what her own identity is.

 

What does she believe about herself?? What are her views on life in general? What does she want to do with her time?? The poor woman

doesn't know but has some-how gain the courage to find out.

 

Can you understand why she needed to leave?

 

What has happened is all too predictible. And yes it is awful that it

has happened on your shift, but I can understand the irony here.

The quality of love she has received from you has some-how pushed a button of self-esteem, and through that she was fully able to feel

all the inner things she felt was missing in her life - self belief the number one factor.

 

She has made a terrifying and tough choice and I for one admire her,

and feel terribly hurt for you. It is clear from your post that you did

pretty much everything you could to make this woman happy,

but real happiness can only come from inside, and this woman can

probably only be truly happy once she proven a few things to herself

and becomes a whole human being.

 

I don't doubt she loves you. Women who don't love you - don't hug you kiss and show you affection, don't keep a stady thread of e-mails coming. and they certainly don't give you that "look" when they run into you.

 

Too my mind it isn't another man she's looking for, its another woman

HERSELF!!

 

So the ball is back in your court, dude. How much is she worth to you?

Are you willing to wait? No shame in the fact if you are not. It simply

means she was not completely the right woman for you.

 

If you are, the fact is you may need to stay clear of her for a good few months, begin to re-build your own life and faith here, because you have been badly hurt here. Whether it is true or not a part of you must feel that you have given an awful lot here and not received your full investment. There are issues which you and she need to deal with seperatly.

 

If there is to be a reconciliation there is an awful lot to talking to do - but not right off the bat - down the line - perhaps you can start off by dating her slowly.

 

So are you willing to give all that?? Like I said, not shame in deciding

eventully that you'd like to begin again with some-one else.

 

Curiously after reading your post I couldn't help feeling that most of

the power and decisions are in your court. Which way are you going to leap???

 

Benevolence, I which you all the strength courage and love in the world

Take Care o yourself

 

Heartshock

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I think you are correct in mentioning that she is unsure of who she really is. Some of her main reasons for leaving was to "get to know herself" again and that she needs a break. I love her very much - regardless of the good and bad qualities that we may possess. My personal opinion is that she probably doesn't know who she wants to be or who she really is. I think she is convinced that her true self is the same person that she was back when she was a teenager. I think her being out on her own will soon make her realize that a person must change, grow, and evolve with what life gives us. She believes that she is a balanced person and can juggle life with no problems. Anyone and everyone knows that life is not easy and to equally balance a life of finances, child rearing, work, school, chores, etc. is not an easy task either. I don't think she sees it that way. Instead she adopts that typical young 20-something attitude of " oh well, whatever happens, happens. All I need is my happiness. I could care less if I made a lot of money..." As pleasing as that sounds, it doesn't pay rent.

 

She believes that she is a good person, who is confident in her looks, her work, her parenting, etc. All honorable qualities indeed, however, you can't depend on those things to survive on a day to day basis. The realist in me says that you need a varied skillset and knowledgebase, you need something to fall back on in the event something doesn't work out the way you planned it. The realist in me says that you cannot stop working at aiming to improve yourself, your life and the lives of those two beautiful kids. This is where I believe she can't give 100%. She's idyllic in her views and honestly believes that life should just be happy and free from any kind of negativity.

 

I can understand why she needed to leave, I just don't understand why she wanted to sacrifice the relationship. Granted, we have had some horrible times (few in number, but that is too much anyway) and I have said and done some really mean things. But like I told her, these bad aspects of the relationship are an unfortunate part of the equation. We should've have learned from them, resolved issues, and aimed to improve ourselves. She's not too good at resolution. Dropping the subject and ignoring it until it comes back later is her claim to fame. Then she wonders why the topic is still an issue!

 

I don't know if she got a sudden jolt of self-esteem and then deicded to move out. It may have had a part, but I think my old and bad lines of "get out of the house" I would say during some fights didn't help the situation. Not exactly a good thing for her security. We did resolve this over a year ago and I apologized to her which I know wasn't enough. Saying those things was just my stupid and foolish way of pushing her buttons and I let her know.

 

I know she loves me, but whether she is in love with me is still the question. Her answer has changed so much from "yes" to "no" to "I don't know" to "I have to wait and see how I feel" to ultimately "no". My female friends have said that she said that and distanced herself from me so that she could make her leaving easier. My femail friends have said that they have said the same things just for that reason: to make the leave easier and to make themselves feel better. Deep down, they were really hurting and wanted to say the truth - "which was that they were still in love, etc."

 

Despite what I have said, I really am proud of her and have pointed out certain talents that she ought to hone. She has told me that I have motivated her many times, but I think she wants to go about it the way I would. She has emulated my actions and words, even gestures and while that may be flattering, it doesn't help her develop her own character. Like I said before, it also requires a lot of work, time and dedication.

 

It's been a tough month and a half and I really miss her. I've been doing the no-contact rule, but we have shared e-mails and bumped into each other. What is going to make it harder is that I/we eventually are going to have to spend time with the kids. While, they are not my own children, I did help raise them for the last 3 years - so in a sense they are my own. I love them as my own and I miss them dearly.

 

 

I do feel like I did invest a lot here. I gave an incredible amount of love, caring, compassion, support, sacrifice, passion, - you name it and I gave it. Many friends have asked me if I would do this again and I said absolutely. Even though I could date a truly single woman and live a life of freedom and almost no limitations I choose not too, because she and the kids have given me the life that I want. They are my life.

 

I would like to date her again - to start from scratch - the right way. We came together so quickly in the beginning, that the stress she and I felt (more her than me) was ineveitable. Maybe this will be the one thing that we need before we get back together.

 

Thanks for your kind words and support

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