So you want your ex back - tips, do's, and don'ts!

So your love has left, and you want him or her back...

If you're reading this, you've probably already tried the begging, pleading, and emotional cries for mercy - and been soundly rejected. So some of your friendly moderators and royal members have gotten together to try to compile a "now where do I go from here, and why won't he/she listen to me?" tips and advice - with explanations as to WHY you're being advised to take these steps. Hopefully it'll give some of you a better handle on what your exes might be thinking and feeling - and why what you've tried simply hasn't worked.

Important: This is assuming there's no third party waiting in the wings and you've heard the "I need space," "I think maybe we should date other people," or "I don't know if this is going to work out," or other "iffy" statements that imply they're questioning their feelings and/or feelings about being in a relationship... or you've had indications from other sources that your ex is not so happy with their decision.

Let's start with why begging and pleading for another chance doesn't work. Ok, it might work once or twice, but you know why? It's because you've administered a heavy dose of guilt, and chances are said ex still has feelings for you - and caved under the pressure. Now, if you've ever been guilted into doing something, you know you're not going into it wholeheartedly, in a sense it's emotional blackmail, albeit unintentional, and it leads to resentment just waiting to blossom in the first conflict that comes after. I know, you THINK you're just letting them know how much they mean to you. However, what's heard is "you're breaking my heart, you're hurting me incredibly, this person who loves you so!" Always, always, always try and think a step ahead - if you needed a break from a relationship for some reason and still had feelings for someone, how would this make you feel? Yep, approximately an inch tall and the lowest life form on the planet. Needless to say, this is NOT a good beginning to trying to rekindle a romantic relationship!

Step one - ok, you've all heard it, seen it advised, and wondered how the heck it helps when you're thinking you need to be around to remind your love of all the good times you've shared and how much they mean to you. Yep, the dreaded "no contact" rule. (Note: if no contact isn't completely possible due to work/school situation or shared friends, skip on to step 2 The reasoning that you need to remind your ex of your presense? First error in judgement. The hard fact is, you have to be noticeably "not there" for your ex to MISS you. The last thing someone who may rethink things wants is someone hounding their footsteps trying to influence them. The first thing they're gonna miss, assuming you guys have been together more than a few weeks, is that "person being around to share things with" that they've grown accustomed to. After you've been in a relationship for a while, think about it - when you've had a bad day at work, or done really great on a test, gotten a part in a play, a job promotion - the instinct is to pick up the phone and call that person to share it! That needs no reminder, and THAT is what you want working in your favor. You want habit and that emotional "sharing" bond working FOR you here, rather than giving your ex ammunition to stay strong against you.

Now, someone who is REALLY sure they're through - this may be the end of the road. There ARE no guarantees. You can't make someone love you if they truly don't. However, what you CAN do is to weigh the odds in your favor assuming there's some uncertainty, and tailor your actions to make them want to reconsider. If you think you're actually letting them talk themselves into it - you're absolutely right! But this way it's totally their decision - and the one person they can't hold out against forever is themselves!

Ok, now during this "no contact from you" phase - make SURE you stay BUSY. Bear in mind if/when your ex does get in touch with you - what kind of person do you want them to find at the other end of the phone, message, email, or "chance" meeting? A depressed, broken, morose husk of a person? Or that confident person they've had fun with and were attracted to? If you've seen problems in yourself that contributed to the breakup originally? Now is the time to get off your butt (mentally) and work on them! Use the time to make yourself someone you're happy with, someone you know is attractive, and yes, if you're up to it, even go out on some casual dates, or at the least, hang out with friends. A teasing grin is WAY more attractive than a morose frown or scowl - and how you think of yourself tends to show through any act you can put on.

Worst case, since it's not guaranteed - you'll be taking active steps to heal from the breakup and prepare yourself for a new relationship - and even best case - going BACK into a relationship, you want to do it as a whole, complete person. This no contact phase is likely to be one of the HARDEST things you ever have to do. If you feel yourself weakening - visit websites, call a friend, go for a walk, work out, ANYTHING. But try not to give in - or you'll have to start this step ALL OVER again. Now if knowing that isn't incentive, I dunno what is!

Step two - initial or casual contact. This can take MANY forms - it could be a casual call about something seemingly insignificant, an email asking you if you want a CD back that he or she JUST noticed they had in their car, ANYTHING. Rule #1 - if it seems like a really silly reason to call, it probably is. In other words, take heart, it's probably an excuse to initiate contact without looking like a weak idiot who wants to talk to you. BIG DON'T - do NOT point this out!!! BIG DON'T #2 - do NOT start off by thinking this is an open door to go into an emotional speech about how you've missed them so and your life hasn't been complete without them! Keep it cool, casual, comfortable. Don't bring up the relationship unless they do first. Don't bring up dating other people. Don't make a POINT out of saying how grand things are going - it should all be in the attitude, not in obvious points. DO respond nicely to "I've missed talking to you," but more with "yeah, it's really good to hear from you." Not with the impression you've been waiting weeks to hear it (even though you have!). DO take opportunities for light, flirty, "cute" comments and compliments, without overdoing it. The goal here is to make these contacts enjoyable, give the impression you still think of this person as an attractive member of the opposite sex, and keep it light and playful enough to avoid any pressure or discomfort. You want them to keep coming back for more, right? So make sure they end on an "up" note - and be the one to say you gotta go - nicely, but in a way that implies "I still have a life." In other words "oh man, I hate to run, but I told John I'd be at his house 5 minutes ago - it was great talking to you, hope to cya later!" says about 4 things at once - you had a good time talking, enough to be running a little late, your life isn't on hold, and you'd welcome hearing from him or her again. If you managed to hit that "fun and mood/ego boosting note" in the conversation - you've just made it almost a certainty the contact isn't going to end here. People come back for more of what makes them feel good, and feel attractive and desireable without being overwhelmed. This is a tentative "feeling out the vibes and mood" stage - intense can push away, completely aloof can be discouraging. So encourage their contact - without putting yourself on the line here.

Step three - meeting again, or less casual conversations, casual dates etc. The point where the ex starts openly questioning things about the breakup. Comments like "I've been thinking a lot lately about us," "Do you ever think about being with me?" "Have you started seeing anyone else yet?" Now, I know, this is what you've been waiting to hear! And impulse is to go with it and scream "oh thank GOD, I've been HOPING you'd consider going out with me again because I still love you as much as ever!" WHOA BUDDY!!! Apply the brakes here! Go with the flow - but let THEM lead the conversation and exploration here - you've got to find out what their "comfort zone" is as far as thinking about the relationship - and you're not gonna do that by taking control of the direction the conversation is headed in away from them! By all MEANS be encouraging,

"yeah, I've been thinking about it as well, I've missed being with you, penny for your thoughts?" Really listen to what's being said, encourage them to voice what they're thinking and feeling, respond honestly - but without being overwhelming about it. For example, they say "I dunno, I really miss some of what we had together," "yeah, me too, you think if we'd communicated better we could've worked it out?" "I wonder if it would be possible for us to figure out what went wrong in our relationship? Even if that means we don't get back together, that would help me tremendously in my next relationship." Remember, you NEED to know what the perceived problems were if you're going to build something better, don't get defensive, don't crawl on your knees begging forgiveness, make sure you get accross you're going to really listen with an open mind, and offer suggestions and compromises you think might've helped. Blaming yourself at this point won't help, letting them blame themselves won't either. If they change the subject - even if you want to scream and bang your head into a wall because you still had questions - let them change it. Either they have enough to think on for the moment - or they've hit the end of their "comfort zone" before they feel pressured, so in either case, pressing the issue is going to work against you. Be patient, be encouraging that talking about it isn't going to make you defensive or lead to an argument, be encouraging you're interested in starting over again with them - without making it an issue you don't want to talk it out if they're not ready for that.

Stage four - getting back together. If you've worked all the way through stage three without jumping, you'll be in a good position to build a stronger, NEW, relationship with your ex if after all your conversations, you're sure that's still what you want. Of course there will still be bumps in the road - but hopefully by talking through the causes of one breakup, you'll be better at talking things out before they hit the wall again.

And always keep in mind - especially when it's them that's done the breaking up - they will be much more confident if they have to work a little to get you back - nobody wants a doormat they can take for granted, the things we invest some effort into, the things we work for, are the things we value the most.

Authors' notes: This should not be taken as "how to make someone love you," because while you can encourage positive interaction with someone who already has strong feelings for you, you can't make someone HAVE those feelings. This is not intended to imply you can control that. What you can control are your actions, which will either encourage or discourage someone from contact and involvement with you when their feelings are already involved. There's no magical solution, and no perfect bible of "how to." If you find yourself stuck - always try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and think what you'd find most encouraging in THEIR position.

Best of luck to you all, and hope this helps some of you!

this is terrific but i have one question. my ex is going home to see his family for christmas. i haven't called in several weeks but ran into him last week at a party at which he apologised for being harsh. is it ok for me to leave him a merry xmas/happy holidays voicemail and say i miss hanging out? or is that too much? my thinking is that while he's away he will tell his parents what happened with us and start thinking about me again?

You got a big list there The Morrigan. I got to make a note of it lol.

OK, I am in the 'no contact' phase now - it's been 7 weeks. How long till I initiate contact? Isn't it maybe best to wait and see if he contacts me first? We lived together for 5 years, he left me 7 months ago, and up till I told him no more contact, he was regularly in contact, ringing and coming over to see me - which left me in a vicious circle and unable to move on. I still miss him terribly, want him back and think of him often during the day. Since I was the one who was very firm and told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted no further contact, how silly will I look seemingly crawling back to him by contacting him?

Cheers.

this is terrific but i have one question. my ex is going home to see his family for christmas. i haven't called in several weeks but ran into him last week at a party at which he apologised for being harsh. is it ok for me to leave him a merry xmas/happy holidays voicemail and say i miss hanging out? or is that too much? my thinking is that while he's away he will tell his parents what happened with us and start thinking about me again?

Are you likely to run into him again? That he apologized when he had the opportunity is good - at least he's taking responsibility for when he was pretty much a jerk to you (I remember your circumstances). One thing though - guys rarely, rarely tell their parents OR their friends what happened - unless it's a highly censored version and sounds as casual as possible, or the friend is a particularly close one. If he's not spending the holidays with someone other than his fam - that'll get him thinking about who he wants to look up afterwards a lot faster to my way of thinking - especially if you guys happen to hang in the same circles sometimes. At most, send a very casual e-card saying merry xmas like you would to any friend - and then just leave it. Either you're going to cross his mind and stick there enough to make him wonder, or he's honestly not worth your time. He stood out as special to you - do you really want him back if it's on uneven ground knowing you mean any less to him?

OK, I am in the 'no contact' phase now - it's been 7 weeks. How long till I initiate contact? Isn't it maybe best to wait and see if he contacts me first? We lived together for 5 years, he left me 7 months ago, and up till I told him no more contact, he was regularly in contact, ringing and coming over to see me - which left me in a vicious circle and unable to move on. I still miss him terribly, want him back and think of him often during the day. Since I was the one who was very firm and told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted no further contact, how silly will I look seemingly crawling back to him by contacting him?

 

Cheers.

Hey - I suppose the first thing I have for you is a question - when you told him firmly not to contact you, did you explain why you wanted him to stop calling and hanging out? If you explained to him you couldn't deal with being just "friends" and it was making it harder on you because you still had feelings - I'd advise you let it go as is, he may simply be being considerate of your feelings avoiding leading you on. If you were particularly angry or upset "Don't ever call me again!!!" etc where it was more like "I hate you now!!!", a casual Christmas card or something on that line should be enough to let him know the door is open if he wants an excuse to contact you.

This is good stuff! I am all for the no contact, it really does wonders. It is also the time to try and move on. I can't stress how important that is. Doing a no contact for 2 months or longer and still pinning for them makes it no real point to have no contact in the first place, because you will still be hurt when you see or talk to them again.

make SURE you stay BUSY. Bear in mind if/when your ex does get in touch with you - what kind of person do you want them to find at the other end of the phone, message, email, or "chance" meeting? A depressed, broken, morose husk of a person? Or that confident person they've had fun with and were attracted to? If you've seen problems in yourself that contributed to the breakup originally? Now is the time to get off your butt (mentally) and work on them! Use the time to make yourself someone you're happy with, someone you know is attractive, and yes, if you're up to it, even go out on some casual dates, or at the least, hang out with friends.

All the pros that have been mentioned above all give the impression that you have moved on- being a confident person, showing you have a life, going out on dates and friends etc. Whos going to be in control of the situation when the ex on the other end of the phone is telling you that they are missing you and what the two of you had, while you are on this end really happy, showing that you have moved on and aren't really that concerned with them any more because you are enjoying your life. You are of course, and that is only going to get them to want you even more! The only reason alot of you are feeling so low is because your exes are moving on while you are still drowned in sadness and regret:

"How can she leave me after 5 years?"

"How can he just forget everything we had" etc

You know how it feels, so make them feel that way too when you start talking to them (especially if they start contact with you)!

Moving on is also important if they dont want you back. You can go for 2 months with no contact, and then go back in for them by intitiating contact and getting no results out of it. In that no contact period you should be looking forward to life without them, and how you can make yourself a better person. Make sure you have moved on enough to start initiating contact with them or meeting them somewhere, and if you are rejected, you wont be devasted and back to square one in terms of hurt and suffering.

Great stuff Morrigan!

Doing a no contact for 2 months or longer and still pinning for them makes it no real point to have no contact in the first place, because you will still be hurt when you see or talk to them again.

Your so right. I am still hurting and I know if I see him, or hear his voice, I will just slip back again. I also do not trust myself to be able to act bright and happy, so he remembers what he missed about me. I know at some point I would do the whole 'I am hurting, I miss you and I am miserable' routine. I guess it's too early to initiate contact.

Thanks for the advice, it really helps me sort my head out. So glad I found this forum.

Cheers.

Hey - I suppose the first thing I have for you is a question - when you told him firmly not to contact you, did you explain why you wanted him to stop calling and hanging out? If you explained to him you couldn't deal with being just "friends" and it was making it harder on you because you still had feelings - I'd advise you let it go as is, he may simply be being considerate of your feelings avoiding leading you on. If you were particularly angry or upset "Don't ever call me again!!!" etc where it was more like "I hate you now!!!", a casual Christmas card or something on that line should be enough to let him know the door is open if he wants an excuse to contact you.

It was kind of a mixture of both. I did it via email, after a series of sms's and a chat on MSN that day. It began like it always did. He msg'd me on MSN and proceeded to tell me what he had been doing since we last spoke, and asked how I was etc. Then I started the 'why did you do this' routine and it degenerated into the ususal 'I am not having this discussion again, I am not coming back, you need to deal with it' scene. He logged off and I sent him a few childish insulting sms's (which I am not proud of) Then I flung off an email pouring out my feelings in an angry context and told him in the last paragraph that I did not want any more contact and to go away and leave me alone to heal. That he needed to understand ringing me or coming over and taking me for drives just did my head in after he left. Especially when sometimes during this contact he would tell me he still loved me etc, but was happy being on his own and doing his thing. It would leave me confused - if he still loved me and would look me deep in the eyes, how could he not want to be with me? I would then start thinking that maybe he would go home and think about it, then come back - which didn't happen.

Well he obviously finally got the message after reading that email, (I have sent similar ones in the past to no avail) and hasn't contacted me since.

However I have rationalised (see above post by me) that I cannot have contact with him, as I am nowhere near over him and I need to move on lots more before I can talk to him without that gut wrenching feeling.

Cheers.

What do you do if they have already started seeing someone else? or at point of last contact that is what you were told, and you were never told that "maybe we can be friends or something like that?"

look at my post "what if the "ex" is in the picture?"

What if there is a "third party waiting in the wings" (if that's what you mean by "third party")

James

hi morrigan,

thanks for responding. i could run into him. he is actually performing with my good friend's band in two days -- that's how i met him, but i'm not going to go. i just don't want to put myself in a position if someone he is dating might be there, plus i want to take the next month for self-improvement. sounds silly i know. he is going out of town in four days to spend xmas with his family. i thought i would just call and leave a message a few hours before he leaves and wish him merry christmas and tell him how proud i am that he got the job he wanted and that next year is going to be very exciting. i don't think i'll mention what i'm doing or that i miss him or anything else. i think it's going to be very tough to get him back, but we truly had some fun times over the two months i was seeing him before my friend died of lung cancer and i became depressed and needy. i know he'll notice i'm not there at the gig and maybe wonder why. don't know if that's good or not. of course, my friend will notice too but she knew i wasn't going to go -- but that was before he apologized and we all hung out at that party.

*picks jaw off the floor* *bookmarks*

Truly amazing. Legendary stuff! My thanks go out to The Morrigan, and all others that contributed to that awesome information... well done, it is very impressive! @_@

It really is an art.

Time to test my drawing skills

... I just hope I am not too late...

Morrigan

Could you advise me on my situation. She is moving away in a week and a half. She'll be 3 hours away says she still loves me etc but wants space etc. Is there hope do you think? I'm taking her out for dinner on Friday, is there anything I should do especially or dont do?

Basically I met my ex when I started uni, we fell head

>over heels with each other. Although we didn't move in

>we pretty much spent every night together for our

>first year and every day. In our second year we moved

>in together with some other friends. Things were great

>but in order to fund us we both worked night shifts on

>top of uni. We started to drift a little but we both

>knew we wanted to be together so worked hard to make

>things work, especially as we knew we were moving to

>London together for a year and then back to uni for

>our final year, there was a perfect model for us to

>work.

>

>My gf moved to London a month before, whilst alone I

>discovered she cheated on me and as a result we broke

>for a bit. I believe it was a huge mistake as she

>claims, her depression and tears proved this so please

>believe me on that notion. Anyway, I forgave her and

>moved to London with her in May. Things were amazing

>all summer, we were so happy to leave all the crap

>that happened back at uni behind us, with a new fresh

>exciting start in London. Again though work started

>putting pressure on us, as a result we drifted but

>still loved each other deeply. It all came to a head

>when she burts in tears saying she needed space,

>couldn't do the forever thing just yeat and felt

>trapped. Loving her so much I moved out to a friends

>house, it's been 6 weeks split from our 2 year

>relationship. I'm sleeping on a matress on a living

>room floor with my clothes in bin bags with all my

>stuff at her house (her uncles).

>

>We recently started meeting up, going for drinks,

>laughing, saying we miss and love each other, even had

>sex. However we are both seeing meanigless people on

>the side as a rebound which we both know has no future

>but are using as some kind of relief or affection

>base. I know this is wrong and have ended mine. We are

>seeing each other this weekend for a trip away to a

>fashion show (she studies fashion and I got VIP

>tickets through work so thought it would be a nice

>gesture). Last night whilst at hers she burts into

>tears after admiting I was seeing this rebound. She

>told me she loves me, I'm the one, she'll never meet

>anyone like me and want to be with me so badly in the

>future but is scared of screwing up and going through

>the hurt again. She is moving back to uni at the end

>of Dec and I wont be there until Sept. She ays it will

>be too hard right now being apart, but when I'm back

>at uni we could really make another go which will work

>after we have hhad our space and developed. She says

>she still wants ti come down and visit me and wants me

>to come up and visit her.

>

>Is there a chance, I know she loves me and I know I

>love her and want this to work. I'm going to get on

>with my life but with her in mind, and us working.

>

>Sorry for the elaborate tale, but thought it best you

>know everything to advise me. Let me know what you

>think, please.

What do you do if they have already started seeing someone else? or at point of last contact that is what you were told, and you were never told that "maybe we can be friends or something like that?"

I'd do my damnest to move on and not contact him. No need to put yourself in the position of caring so much more about him than him about you he thinks he can trample your feelings and still have you waiting for him to find out what he wants - he won't respect you if you don't respect yourself first, and how you think of yourself will show to others, too! Don't allow one person to cripple your feelings to where you won't be ready to take advantage of an opportunity, or be blind to it, when it comes knocking!

Doesn't sound silly at all - it sounds like you've got a good grasp on what circumstances you'd like to be in should you happen to run into him again, and want to be at your best for him, or whoever else comes along. The big thing here about calling is how it will make YOU feel if he's unreceptive or blah about it - if it'll make you feel at all badly and undo some of the progress you've made - don't do it.

Last night whilst at hers she burts into tears after admiting I was seeing this rebound. She told me she loves me, I'm the one, she'll never meet anyone like me and want to be with me so badly in the future but is scared of screwing up and going through the hurt again.

How did you respond to her here? She's not ready for you to see anyone else - but she's scared to try to keep you by the sounds of it - if you haven't done it already, I'd have a very calm heart to heart talk with her and ask her what she's so scared of. And ask her if she wants to see anyone else, or just doesn't know how she'd expect you to be faithful while she's away.

If it's how you feel - explain to her having something to wait for and build towards WHILE she's away is something that would keep you constant - but worrying it's not you she really wants pushes you to move on since it hurts you she's the one who is unsure. See if you can get to the bottom of why she's scared - has she been burned before in a similar situation?

This sounds like a "I have to leave you first so I don't get hurt when you leave me!" fear reaction more than her being interested in seeing what else is out there, from the strength of her statements and reactions. See if you can get her to let you in on what's at the bottom of it - until you do there's not much you can tell her or show her to counteract it. Just keep your demeanor gently encouraging to talk it out - anything too passionate "I'd NEVER do that to you!!!" might make her close up before she's finished, so make sure she's said as much as she can before you ask her what might help her confidence in you.

Yeah it's weird because she's some other guy and goes off to visit him, but then when she finds I'm seeing someone she burst into tears.

I think she's scared of going through the hurt we are going through now and also she says she wants to grow etc before she settles down, the whole I know I want to be with you but I'm just not ready for the forever thing . I'm basically just sitting back and letting her get it al out of her system. If im still around if she comes round then cool, otherwise I'll have moved on also.

What is the longest two people have been separated, see other people and then get back together do you think. One couple I knwo were separated for a year saw other people and then got back together, I hope I befall this kind of fate as I do truly adore her.

Sounds like a good attitude to have - she's obviously got issues she needs to work through herself - and you seem to have a good grasp of the idea of being open to something happening in the future, and actually putting your life on hold for it. Just make sure you don't get your feelings trampled while she's figuring herself out. If she let her issues drive her to cheat once - you don't want to get involved exclusively until you know she's resolved her feelings and can actually handle being in a committed relationship.

I made the error of allowing my first ex to "come back" under terms that he was willing to be exclusive, but not committed to the relationship as a first priority anymore (he wanted a dating companion without it being "serious"), and after the initial euphoria of having him back - I was MISERABLE. He wasn't ready to put me first in his life, I was putting him first, and it was constant hurt when I was obviously not taking the same place in his life as he was in mine (like when he'd drop plans with me at the last minute to hang with his friends) - so be careful.

Do you know of people who have split and managed to get back and sort things out after a lengthly period of time?

I really hope that I can handle this. I'm moving back in with her uncle when she leaves for up north. She says she wants me to be part of her family and kep the link with me.

What about this other guy she is seeing? Should that not turn me off completely. I sometimes think I'm being way too understanding that she is seeing someone else, but then again I know is pure rebound as this guy is a total looser!

morrigan,

i think i'll feel fine. that's why i'm going to call the morning he gets on the plane, so he doesn't have to call me back. the plan, though, is that he'll think of me, upon hearing the message, while he sits on the plane for four hours? is that possible? he works in a bar and is surrounded by young, good looking women, and i think him being alone and going home to some normalcy, he will reflect. we had some great times. i don't drink or party, like the other girls he knows, so it was just 'us' hanging out. i know this is all wishful thinking...do you think what i'm going to leave on the message is enough? i don't want to leave anything about 'us.' i did that all before and it just irritated him because i wasn't listening.

The Morrigan, I happen to think you are one of the best moderators on thi site, I really like your stuff (just thought i'd add that as you x'mas gift

But I wanted to share something with everyone,

I have found that alot of times if a person would just wait it out, they would see in time, that the ex' is an ex for a reason and that they are better off without them. Most people get back together only to part in a few months, this is no coincedence, this is just like the first parting, "meant to be"

I think the tips are good, but I think time heals all wounds and not only that, but sometimes you'll see, that in time, the Ex' should stay the EX.

The Morrigan, I happen to think you are one of the best moderators on thi site, I really like your stuff (just thought i'd add that as you x'mas gift

 

Thanks

 

But I wanted to share something with everyone,

 

I have found that alot of times if a person would just wait it out, they would see in time, that the ex' is an ex for a reason and that they are better off without them. Most people get back together only to part in a few months, this is no coincedence, this is just like the first parting, "meant to be"

 

I think the tips are good, but I think time heals all wounds and not only that, but sometimes you'll see, that in time, the Ex' should stay the EX.

 

I agree much of the time, I found out the hard way of course

 

Sometimes it's one of those things though that only finding out for yourself gives that certainty that the ex is meant to be a closed chapter - I know I'd never have believed anyone (heck, I didn't) who said I was better off - I didn't FEEL better off... until I was back in the position I could see for myself what everyone had been trying to tell me for months.

Hey thanks "The Morrigan" and "Materia Goddess". Nice contribution you two's have made. Great idea! We hear people asking about what to do with breakups all the time, I think that topic from today one will be forever changed.

Even though everyone is different and might not react the same way as you would in this more of a generalised view/fairytale version of things. Its still an excellent guide overall. The reason why I find this a little out at times is what if the ex decided to leave his/her feelings when they find out that you're having a great, confident time without her and possibly dating someone else. Isn't there a possibility of them jumping to unecessary conclusions and not checking wether they're true or not, eventually them just leaving the picture?

I wasn't really looking for any faults, I just happen to realise it and I thought it'd be good if I offered a downside since everyone's been giving you positive responses. It could be just me, everyone's different.

*thumbs up*

Happy Heb

Heb - There may be a few who might be put off - but much of human nature has a lot of common threads. Very few relationships end on a truly "mutual" basis, and the party who wants to have their space or isn't sure is usually well aware their bf/gf does not want the relationship to end. As a matter of fact, I can't think of any of my friends, male or female, myself included, who didn't beg, plead, and cry when they were on the receiving end of the speech.

After that... well, an ex who is so easily put off by not being the one being "courted" back to even find out by a simple call or email if you're still interested in them is probably no more certain of their feelings than when they left. And I doubt anyone who's just been through the emotional equivalent of being flattened by a Mack truck really wants someone who can't even decide if they miss them, or the relationship, and may well "rethink" yet again a short time later. If the whole point of them leaving was being unsure - the last thing you want is that uncertainty still being there after going through hell.