I'm hurting... so bad. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello.

This is my first post here.

And at the moment, I am very very very down. I need help.

Let me try and give you some basic background info first....

I'm a 19 year old female from Australia, been diagnosed as Schizo-Affective Disorder/ Schizotypal Personality Disorder/ Avoidant Personality Disorder. The reason I'm listing three there is because I have mixed traits from them all. I just quit seeing my old psychiatrist and will be seeing a new one in a few months. Seeing as they were just in the "diagnosis process", it's not very official what is actually wrong. But anyway, that's not relevant now.

I am down because everything, and everyone affects me. My emotions are way out of balance, all my feelings are very overextreme.

I live with my boyfriend and he's the only friend I have. Sometimes it's difficult with my mental problems, but I really want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Problem... I cannot deal with his past. His past sexual experiences, everything. He always contradicts himself and I suspect something and it somehow always gets confirmed.

This is hurting so bad. I can't deal with it at the moment. I just found something on the Internet that he wrote he really "wanted to get laid by some random person", and another post that he said he liked/ was after some girl. You might think this is a stupid, dumb issue a lot of people have. I don't know how to assure you that it's not.... It literally is tearing me apart. It's killing me inside. It's ripping my heart and emotional wellbeing into pieces, and this is affecting my physical health as well.

Like I said before, I only have him, I used to have a lot of acquantances but they were just using me. I haven't found a real friend yet, I've never ever had one either. I've given up with society. But I know there are wonderful people out there, somewhere.

So whenever there is an issue that affects me so bad (could be small), it's either to do with him, or my family, or external causes like the TV, Internet, etc. I cannot live a normal life, go outside or something affects me, I either feel extreme compassion that makes me want to cry, or I feel extremely happy for someone. Everything affects my mood, it's not me. Anything from people close to me to the other things I mentioned above.

I'm meant to be on medication, but I just don't have a regular routine that I keep forgetting to take them at the right time. I feel I need someone to care for me, I can't seem to take care of myself.

I even have to think about a bad memory in my head, my boyfriend's past, or something else painful, and my mood is ruined.

I would say I feel suicidal without suicidal tendencies / wanting to kill myself.

The pain is just so hard to deal with.... So intensely difficult.

My mother was manic depressed and took this out on me, knowing how to hurt me and giving me a real bad self esteem. It's not a matter of hearing it anymore, it just belongs to me, I believe it, it IS my image about myself. Please don't try and say I should just shake it off.

In the beginning of this year I was commited to hospital for three weeks but released myself, and I often wonder what is best for me. My mental state, is not healthy.

I'm dying off inside. Things hurt me too much. I'm scared to be alone, but I also dislike most people, and find it hard to connect on an intellectual level seeing as I am so-called "highly gifted". I'm lonely..yet I want to be alone.... I'm so damned confused.

I don't know what the point is to this message. I need support, I wish people cared for me, I don't want to be feeling this pain.

Hey hey.

yeah, i can see life's pretty hard on you.

i don't know how it's like to be having those disorders you have, but rest assured; psychiatrist are people who are very well trained in helping people. just trust them.

try to listen to music. you heard of Tommy Emmanuel? one of the greatest guitarist Down Under? his music is very soothing for the soul. try to reduce on adrenaline music. maybe you could channel every hurt you have to playing and composing music. (or perhaps even into poems/different kinds of art) Van Goff (i forgot how to spell his name) had a very severe mental disorder, but he used it to his advantage, through art. the same goes for Ernest Hemingway; who wrote so many books.

also try asking your doctor if there are any 'circles' which you could join, to release every burden and frustration you carry. groups like that have a high rate of healing people emotionally and spiritually, because you'll realise that you're not alone, and that there are others who you can count on.

as for your boyfriend, well...i don't know. but do take a step at a time. don't see everything and deal with them all at once. it's not healthy. achieve and conquer your problems by dividing them into smaller problems, so you can slove them easily. "divide and conquer" works..

if you keep forgetting your medication, try to put up a notice somewhere where you'd see and remind you, or you could always use an alarm clock to help you remember your medication.

you know, in psychology, there was an experiment conducted on dogs; there was this controlled group of dogs, and the experimented ones. the experimented dogs were kept in a cage where there was no chance of escaping, and they were administered with shocks, and guess what? eventually these dogs didn't even try to escape even though the cage was released. they accepted the shocks, although they could escape. Where as those dogs in the controlled group, were put in a cage where they could escape, and when they were shocked, they ran out of the cage.

this is a theory of what is called, "learnt self-helplessness". it's all in the mind, my dear.

Make friends, how? you might ask. well, it's a bit like business. you got to invest your TRUST in others, but not too much..bit by bit...until you're confident with them,BUT ALWAYS remember...choose your friends wisely.

you cannot deny the fact there's always evil people around...but also, there are angelic ones around...

Learn to live again, and find the passion and joys in life.

I'll pray to God to keep you protected.

I,m Glad Your Here, and Welcome !

I'm glad you came her to talk with the wonderful new friends you are going to make and keep for a lifetime. Let's start by changing that name,of yours to something more suited to you like gifted person. I will tell you a short story that a very wise man of over eighty years old told me one time. He said let me share with you the" Secret of Life" . I was excited because I wanted to know the secret of life. He looked me in the eyes and said now really listen. Through the course of your life, you will meet many many people. They will enter in your life. Some will stay for just a short period of time, some will stay a little longer. And if your really lucky you will find that one special person that will want to share their life with you.

You will lose friends, you will lose jobs, your car will break down, you will have people take advantage of you, you will have money problems, you will have family problems. And in between all of this you will have many wonderful things happen in your life. If you let the bad things kick you to the curb and take you down. Then you are in big big trouble. You have to be strong and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the game of life. No and's, if's of butt's about it. You just have to do it.

Because you just have to, because no one is coming to the curb to get you.

So the Secret to life is....it is not what happens to you while your here, it is how you handle it in your head while you are here. Because your life is in your head. You can do this young lady, you can be strong. I understand that you may be overwhelmed at times. Trust me, we all get that way. The thoughts about killing yourself, well just forget that right now. That is not going to happen or even an "Option for someone as gifted as you. You have a great life ahead. You still have many roads to choose from. You are just not on the right road at present. I was having some problems just like you with my girlfriend, who is now my ex and went back to her old boyfriend. I miss her alot, and I feel lonely. That is why I can come here and share my feelings like your doing and that is a very good thing your doing. The moderator Avman was kind enough to respond to some things related to my situation. It is called Co-Dependant. Please look it up on the internet or get a book on it. You may find some really good stuff that relates to you and can help you. I'm a pretty straight forward guy, and I must say your boyfriend sounds like "Bad News" especially for you. He will wear on your self image and make you feel bad. You don't need any of that. And as I said friends come and go in life. I just lost two close friends. They moved out of state. We can still talk, but it won't be the same. You can make some new friends. You mentioned in your post you are under medicial care, I highly urge you to stay on the pills under the doctors advice. They more then likely are an anti depressant of some kind. Do not feel alone, half of the world from time to time needs anti depressant just to get by from the stresses of everyday life. I got really bummed about 5 years ago, and I could not put two thoughts together. I was a total basket case. I went to the doctor and they put me on Paxil. It took about 2 weeks to kick it, but it may have saved my life. I was pretty messed up. So take your pills. They have been tested and they do work.Try not to think about to much right now, and just pick something "Anything" that you want to do for you. Set the goal, even a small one. And take one step at a time. You need to go slow right now, you can pick up some speed later. You are very very young, and you really do have the rest of your life in front of you. You just have to find the road for you.And you will. It may take some time to find that road. And you will find it when your ready. Try and not be so hard on yourself. I understand how hard we can be on ourselves. You are a very special person, we all our. We all have to find our own way. You will have many many good people enter in your life in the near future. You cannot let this get the best of you. "No Matter What" You just can't, you have a gift to share with the world. And that gift is a very special person and that would be you. Remember the secret of life my friend taught me ? Think about that. That very special man, is gone now. He left me a very special gift, and now I'm passing his gift on to you from accross the world. and how wonderful can that be. We can keep his wisdom alive. He would have liked that. You hang tuff girl. And I mean real tuff. You can do this. If you ever need to talk at the bottom of the post you will see pm (private message) click on it and you can talk in private anytime with that person. This site is full of new friends for you. And most of us have gone through tough times.

I have to cut out to work now, it is 8 am here. Nice to meet you, and lets change that name. Hope and Faith are a very good thing.

Your new Friend

Kuhl

*hug* Your feelings are NOT stupid and should not be taken lightly by anyone. I hope I can help you at least a little.

I can relate to some of what you said. I am getting divorced from my husband and it has been really hard to deal with. We have been together for half of my life and he is the only real friend I have. I have never had a need to make friends because I always hung out with my husband and his friends. Attempts that I have made to make my own friends have failed. I think I try to hard or expect too much. I often feel desperately lonely. Even though I know my husband is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, it is really hard to let him go. If I stay with him I know I will have someone to care about me and be there for me. Without him I have no one. I have lost my best friend and all of the other friends that came with him. I can't imagine ever finding anyone else that will love me like he did. People tell me that is rediculous, that there are plenty of people out there that will love me and one day I will be happy again. I have had thoughts that everything would be better for all involved if I had just died in some accident last year because none of what is happening now would have been an issue. People would grieve and get over the loss and I wouldn't have to feel this constant hurt.

It is really hard to see that life can be better when your life is in pieces. Keeping busy, posting here, and reading posts from other people with similar issues has helped me a lot. The hardest thing for me to overcome was the feeling that my problems didn't matter. Feeling that they were too trivial and why would anyone care. You are important, your feelings are real, and people do care about you.

Before I reply to your posts, I should clear something up. What I found on the net was posts my boyfriend made BEFORE he met me. He is a very special person, very honest, faithful.... and to him I'm his world. But just, to find out something that like, that has hurt me.

Hi,

I wouldn't say that you have all these mental problems that you have listed. I think I feel the exact same way. First off, you could have a dependent personality, because other people seem to contribute to your mood and also you said you don't like to be alone. I know how that feels I hate being alone, but on the other hand I love being alone. Also, you could also be histrionic, which means you exagerate things in your head a lot. I do the same thing also, that is why when I feel I have this huge problem, no else seems to think so. You could also say you are just a sensitive person and nothing is wrong with that. Some people are just more sensitive than others. The key to your problems is not eliminating the way you feel, because there is no exact answer, but you must learn how to cope with these feelings. Trapping yourself at home is not a good idea, because it will just make you think more and become more obsessive about the way your feeling. I think you are on the right track though, you have managed to come to terms with your problems, which is a huge step. All you need to know is how to manage them now.