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Thread: How do you know when you should marry someone?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2003

    How do you know when you should marry someone?

    When is a good time for two 25 year-olds to get engaged? Would I be rushing things if I got engaged to Peter, my best friend since college, after dating him for only 1.5 years? In some ways, getting engaged early on in a relationship (as opposed to 4+ years into a relationship) is exciting. At the same time, I still lust after Peter since it's so early in our relationship. I don't think that I always use my head very well when I'm in "lust." Although I've known Peter for 5 years and care very deeply about him as an individual, I want to make the right decision. How do you know when it's truly time to marry someone? Hormones and the feeling of being "in love" aside because that doesn't always last.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member avman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    At 25 and dating for 1 1/2 years I don't think you are rushing things. How about having a long engagement of a year or two? Then you can continue your relationship and still leave yourself open in case he's not "the one" for you.

    Its hard to know when you've found "the one". Most people just describe it as a feeling they get. Do you know him completely? Does he have the characteristics you are looking for in a husband? Are you in love? Is it a love that will last no matter what might happen in the future? All these are important questions to ask yourself.

    But it sounds like things are going well so far. Congrats!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    I think that is great advice. Some studys say that the infatuation or lust feelings wear off at about 30 months into a relationship. Will you feel the same way a year from now? Many people are divorced under the age of 30. Have a long engagment if you are not sure rigth now? Has he asked you to marry him yet, you did not say that in your post? If he has not then I would just say wait until he asks you, if you are assuming he will ask you could be wrong. Other things to think about: his career, character, his values, morals, and religion all play a part in picking a mate. Love does not cure all and if he is lacking in some areas that could be the formula for a poor marriage.

  4. #4
    Member Mar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    My mom gave me great advice on this once, that I'll never forget. She said, "Don't marry someone when you love them. Marry them when you LIKE them." What she meant was that once you're out of that fuzzy-bunny stage and the bedhead is showing and one eye is slightly cocked above the other in the a.m. because you haven't quite woken up yet or had a bit too much to drink the night before and the bodily noises come out without a hassle, etc., and you still genuinely like that person at the end of the day, not only as your lover but as your true FRIEND, and feel you can't be apart from them without feeling that loss in your heart and soul, you know you're ready to commit to them for life. I have to agree.

    I think it's a combination of things. If you can have a discussion, or even a fight, and resolve it before you go to bed, that's a huge plus. (I'm also a VERY firm believer in the "never go to bed angry" thing.) If arguments are resolved and past hurts/mistakes/insults are NEVER brought up again in future fights, that's a big one. If he/she has habits that annoy you or disgust you but that are an intrinsic part of him/her and you love that person nonetheless, that's another sign of true love. If you can see your partner's faults and recognize your own, and realize that they are making somewhat of a sacrifice in taking you with your imperfections as you do them, and firmly know that this will most likely never change and love them still, that's another sign.

    There are SO many things to take into consideration. But I guess the biggest thing is just KNOWING, deep in your heart, that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this person and that no one else can capture your heart like they have, this is what defines getting married and committing to that person for the rest of your days. If there's the SLIGHTEST doubt, then wait a bit more. Too many people rush into it before they truly realize they're ready, take those sacred vows of "till death do us part" and disgrace them by getting a divorce a year later because they realize that it was just the IDEA of marriage and the house/kids/dog that was appealing, and that the reality wasn't quite what they'd invisioned.

    All I can say is that, if there is NO doubt in your mind that this is the one for you, and you know without question that you are the only one for him, then you're ready. If signing up for a lifetime commitment is the most appealing thing you can think of with this one person and no one else, then that church is calling you as we Just make sure that ALL doubt is gone, and that the only thing you want out of this relationship is to prove your commitment and love in that one last, major step and devote yourself and your love to that commitment, and know that all your partner wants is the same!


  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    sittin' in front of the monitor
    The above post was the reason why we all checked in everyday and help each other out. Great post!! Keep it up!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    I completely agree with Avman, 100%!

    I've known this couple who married when they were 22, dated for about 2 years, got married, and are still married after 65 years!

    It's so cute b/c they are examples of when you find that soulmate in life. I guess to answer your question, it's like meeting someone who you've known all of your life. That person just somehow fits like a puzzle. You just connect like that. Whatever you say, they finish. Whatever your imaginations carry, they invision. It's like you're the same person.

    I've had a similar experience, all except, my ex went to becoming vegetarian, and I didn't dig that! We were together for 4 years! We completely bonded. But, as I approached college, I kind of grew out of love for him (mainly b/c he was not mentally stimulating enough, and did stuff like narcotics in the past, which was a turnoff for me.)

    But, to answer your question, I felt that way before, and the feelings are either there or they just aren't. Marriage is not just an investment, but more like a recognition that this person will always be there to back you up through thick and thin, your other half, the person that you've journeyed with in several past lives.

    Looking back, I think that my ex was 'potential' in terms of soulmate material, but our mentalities were not at the same level.

    What I mean by 'soulmate material' is someone who brings you to a higher level in life. Someone who lifts up your spirit, they give you the fuel to keep your life full of passion and conviction. Someone who brings out that youth inside of you. Someone who supports you emotionally. It's like a bond that you can't describe. The chemistry is either there or isn't.

    Like Avman said, you guys are both 25, been together for 1.5 yrs., it doesn't sound like lust. In fact, it's really romantic how you guys still desire each other after being together for that long. I think that you are ready for marriage. It's tough to keep that romance alive, (for some people, after being together that long, your partner starts to feel like a sibling. you lose that spark)...

    The answer is inside of you. It's that feeling that you get. It's in your conversation, and the time spent together. It's invisible. But, the feeling is powerful. Listen to your gut, and truly ask yourself if you are ready.

    Good Luck!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    My name is Brian. My girlfriend's name is Darlynda. We met on eHarmony and have been courting for a year. We have been talking about marriage. I moved from Denver, CO to be closer to her. She lives in Joplin, MO (3 1/2 hours away). I drive to see her on weekends. We have been doing this since May. I have 2 boys ages 4 and 7, who see me on their school breaks. She has two girls asges 5 and 12. Last weekend her 12yo asked me what I want for Christmas. Up until now, she has been very unsure of me. However, I feel that changed last weekend.

    I have about $40,000 in debts, but she has about $25,000 in school loans, credit cards, etc... I am a Software Engineer, and she is a hairdresser. Darlynda has been living in a trailer her parents provided her for the last 10 years. Her parents live next door, so she gets free childcare as well. Her life has been pretty sheltered, but now she wants to get out of the trailer.

    She jumped on eHarmony to prove to her friends that there were only weirdos on there. She said to me she was not expecting to find a husband, but she feels she has! That means she has a lot of changes coming up. I have spoken to her parents about my marriage plans, the ring I have on layaway, etc... Somehow Darlynda and her mom were talking. Her mom told Darlynda "He has an engagement ring on layway...He LOEVS you Darlynda.. He wants to marry you. If you are not sure, you better be sure, or you are not being fait to him."

    SO... She comes back about 3 weeks ago and says she needs "space". I told her we could talk once per week on Monday evenings, and if she wanted more, I would be available to her becuase i love her. However, we have spent the weekends together since. I am expecting her to ask me to come down this weekend as well.

    What do I do? She is asking God to speak to her in her heart "BRIAN IS THE ONE" or "MARRY HIM". I really believe this is the Will of God and I am praying until I get the answer... I'm praying for her!! I SO WANT her to hear God!

    She said God spoke "Annoint Brian, he's the one"... and "He's my best". She said I meet her "lists", her friends all see how much in love she is with me, her parents recently gave her a quote off a TV preacher, "Sometimes opportunity comes alone. Seize it, because it might not come again..." Her dad gave that to her. Her heart says she loves me.

    She has told me that she wants to marry me "swiftly" if she hears from God so we can have some GREAT SEX..LOL... and we can just be together and enjoy life. She believes if she hears from God, that my debts will work out, we can buy a house, the kids will mesh, etc... She just needs to hear from God.

    I believe Darlynda and I are meant to have a happy life - as soon as possible! I recently got a second job, am writing some articles, and found out there will be some serious overtime at work so that's good news since I get paid for every hour I work!! I can have about $45,000 in the bank by May 2008. My total debts are only $40,000!! She is ok with me working in St. Louis 2 days a week while we are married. That gives her Mondays to herself for "me time." Everything seems like it will be fine.

    Ok, so how do I get through this? Have any ladies done this to your men? If so, what was the result? Did you marry? Do I stand a chance if she is trying to get a house first? Or should I even care who gets the house as long as we can be together??? Did your marriage get stringer because you took time apart?

    I feel she will hear something soon. She said she feels she will hear in her heart soon. OH HOW I LONG TO BE WITH MY LOVE!!!! I MISS MY LOVE!!!

    Help!!! Thoughts?? ANYONE??? I need guidance!! My heart is going crazy!! And I have 2 1/2 weeks to go!! And I'm praying she will DEFINITELY hear something so we can celebrate Thanksgiving!!!

    I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! I MISS MY LOVE!! My Best friend!! My soulmate!!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Some studys say that the infatuation or lust feelings wear off at about 30 months into a relationship
    Goodness, I've never even made it close to that long. For me to be with someone for 30 months would be a record!


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