What I have learned about Commitment phobics

Bulletproof,

I'm curious, do you happen to fall into the CP profile????????

Nope. Honestly, out of that very long list, I'm sure everyone possesses a few of the traits. But overall, when I found the right person, I was a very loyal, very committed and very devoted gf and very interested in the long-term. And I am pretty sure I will be the same with the next person I am truly interested in.

Glad to hear it.

Oh......this thread really opened my eyes. I may be an active CP........

I spent the first 7 months with my bf craving commitment, using big words that used to scare him a bit, and I was going too fast, and becoming too dependent on him. He loved me but was surprised by my desire for commitment. We split up for several reasons (he instigated it, but I was thinking about getting some space too) but we got back together when circumstances were better and we realized how much we loved each other....And he came back ready for a serious relationship this time around.

He made me stay at his family's (who id never met) for a week, asked me to move in with him and travel. It left me cold and I thought maybe I didn't love him anymore. But I felt like I had such high hopes for the relationshipbefore we split up but only now I receive his commitment now he's ready and he knows how much he loves me. And it's like 'too little too late' in my head, because I was believing in us so much and he left. And I thought I was right to protect myself because I was afraid he'd dump me again when the reality is he gave me all the reassurance I could ask for and things are great. The truth is, I am terrified because things are going so good and Im not forcing anything this time. I truly love him though. But recently I feel silly for having thought about being in a LTR at 20, and want to be single and have fun with other people (which doesnt mean leaving my bf - I just think it could be fun to feel free in my 20s). I met a few men I am very attracted to and it's messing with my mind, although I have no intention of cheating or leaving my man whatsoever. Im just scared of being stuck... Also, before my current bf, I was with someone whom I didnt love for a year, and I was sayin all these intense words until he was ready to give me everything he had, then I wasnt interested anymore and dumped him out of the blue.

It is scary, I truly love my current bf but my anxiety around his commitment makes me want to run away. I know I will end up hurting him if I dont sort it out... Any advice?

There's a difference between "I don't want commitment, because I like options"...and "I'm scared to make a commitment becuase I might get hurt, disappointed, upset, confused, dumped, or taken to the cleaners".

There's a world of difference.

At the point when I gave the most commitment (planning the future with him..) he left (for other reasons). How can I want to give commitment knowing that I have been so badly disappointed the last time..

Are you looking for a relationship to complete you, identify you, secure your position in the world?

If so - you cannot entrust someone with that responsibility and you'll never commit except to what works for the moment...while fearing ever committing again because your approach will be "once committed to you - you have my assets, my abilities, my time and my future in your hands and I am no longer available to myself."

If you commit to you - and remain true to that comitment at the core level - you can involve and intertwine with someone else without "losing you" - that's commitment to the other person.

I don't know which one I am. I guess I'm active, but...I'm not overly interested in relationships.

My problems come from the pushing people away thing. I don't trust people so I push them away and test them. The more they act and say that they like and love me the harder I push them away because I don't believe they actually like me.

I guess it comes from my own low self-esteem. I've never felt...desired. I have always just been...tolerated. So when I did have a couple of relationships where people actually started to have feelings for me, I felt like they were lying to me. I kept pushing them and eventually I just wished they didn't like me anymore.

I tend to refuse sex and sex acts as well. The idea behind that is that I don't trust myself to really love someone...because deep down I know it's all just about sex. So I tell myself that if I refuse their physical intimacy then it must mean that I actually love them...because I can do things for them without any sex. That and physical intimacty makes me feel guilty like I'm manipulating them into it. The few times I've actually had someone want to be physically intimate with me...it depressed me afterwards.

That's the other thing, too. Relationships seem to depress me, because well...I get to feeling guilty about everything. And then the person feels like they have to help me...which then they can't so they feel worse...which makes me feel even more guilty.

I take all the blame too. I can't stand people taking the blame...especially if I 'love' them. I'm constantly apologizing for everything in the relationship. If the car won't start because some random thing broke, it's my fault. If the woman is late or cheating on me...it's my fault for having faith in them or it's my fault for expecting too much or not doing enough...etc...everything has to be my fault.

I like to make other people feel good, at my expense. I'll give gifts to people I like...but I refuse gifts from other people. I don't like receiving gifts, I don't like little shows of affection via 'doing something nice for you'. In one relationship, I got a present from a woman, and well, when she went away I put the money for the gift in her jacket pocket. I guess I want people to want me, to look at me more than something to be tolerated...and so I refuse gifts and things like that from them whilst really spoiling them.

Basically your behavior is teaching people that you're irrelevant and disposable - you're entertainment, or you're a benefits and services provider but of no intrinsic personal value.

Basically your behavior is teaching people that you're irrelevant and disposable - you're entertainment, or you're a benefits and services provider but of no intrinsic personal value.

I don't have any intrinsic value, my life is a mess, and a failure. I don't even like waking up in the morning. I guess I've always been disposable...just someone to use and abuse...because let's face it, I'm a bit worthless on the sliding scale of people go.

after my last posting just over 3 months ago I have realised I am full of bull.

After deciding to walk away from this, all of sudden she came back to me.

We had a sort of tolerable relationship for the last 3 months and once again she has now bolted for the door.

"I love you but not "in love" with you", "I can't see us getting married" and so on and so on.

She has admitted that she can point out all my flaws all day long, despite in the next breath telling me that I am the most wonderful man she has ever had in her life.

I am exhausted by all this, emotionally and physically spent.

I really want to end it and move on but I am finding it so damn hard to get this out of my head, I seem stuck to it like krazy glue.

Grr!

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (we lived together the last year) packed up all his things a week and a half ago, while I was at work, and left me a note saying he was sure he would see me again one day. That was it- after a year of living together and moving to a foreign country together he dropped out of my life one day. I was devastated and am still having an incredibly hard time- I feel so confused and every day I go up and down, I'm angry and sad and lonely and numb and completely drained. I'm far away from family and friends and I can't even talk to people most of the day because of the time difference, I feel really alone. We have a house full of things together back home, it is hard enough to deal with here and I cry and cry when I think about going back home and going through this a 2nd time.

Now that I read all this about commitment phobic people I realize where all his problems stem from. He's 37 and never had a relationship longer than 6 months, when we got together he hadn't dated anyone in a while and said that having time alone, watching everyone around him settle down and be happy, had made him realize what he really wanted, mistakes he had made, etc. I believed him- people can change and I've made lots of mistakes in relationships that I've learned from and wouldn't make again. But after about six months he would respond to any problems- an argument about the laundry, literally anything- by saying he wanted us to break up and not talking to me, not looking at me, but then changing his mind after a few days. He had lots of wrong ideas about relationships- that it is about meeting "the one" and when you do you click perfectly and nothing would ever be wrong, that sort of stuff. He did this twice and then we went to a counselor to try to work things out- I thought and the counselor thought that he just needed to learn a realistic perspective on relationships- his parents are together but haven't eaten dinner together or slept in the same room in 20 years, no one in his family has ever had a relationship for more than a few months. Things were good, then something would happen and he would threaten to leave, this went on over and over again until we went to a counselor here who recommended he go to counseling on his own for why he had problems in relationships, etc. He agreed to go and told me he was totally committed to everything, he told me he felt he was starting to understand relationships and felt ready to get engaged and move towards getting married. Two weeks after that he had a friend come to visit (his best friend is 38, lives with his mother and never even had a 2nd date) and I guess the two of them decided we should break up because the next day they moved all his things out.

It helps me tremendously to read about commitment phobic people because everything in it is an exact description of him. He always had an imaginary girlfriend in mind that I could never measure up to. Sometimes I wonder how this happened, why I couldn't see it before or prevent it, but deep down I know that it's because I am a loving, trusting person, I can forgive and move forward, I choose to see the good in people and while that didn't work for me with him, it would be terrible to let him take that away from me and replace it with his cynical, condescending, frightened, cold view of the world. It's going to take time for me to recover from this but I believe that most people are at heart good and trustworthy- he was just a very sad exception.