coping with abortion together

Three and half months into a new relationship I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy. I'm 30 have a career and didn't really know what to do. My boyfriend and I decided after much soul searching that despite the fact we hadn't known each other than long and that our relationship was still in it's infancy that we would go ahead and try to raise the child together. Some weeks passed whereby we started making plans and told our close family who were thoroughly delighted for us. Then like a bolt out of the blue he tells me that he is not ready for this, that basically I have two options, one to have a termination and two to rasie the baby mysef. He said he would be there for this child in the future but only on my terms. If I had an abortion however he would like it if continued with our relationship and and perhaps if things worked out for us we could think about children further down the line when both of us were ready to be parents together. He felt that having a termination would be something so deeply disturbing to both of us that it could only bring us closer together. My feeling was that I was unsure who I hate would more going through with something like that, he or I.

As much as I didn't believe in the concept prior to this, my two choices were raising a child alone or ending the pregnancy - the toughest choice I have ever had to face but ultimately you have to be true to yourself and as selfish as it might sound, I just didn't want to raise a child alone. I had lots of people telling me that I was strong and that I would manage but the point it I didn't want to be strong and manage - I just didn't want to raise a child by myself pure and simple. And so, I decided to go ahead with the abortion and my boyfriend promised me faithfully that he would be there to support me, talk me through the tougher times and basically be a hand to hold when I needed it.

I called him when I got back from the clinic and he had turned his phone off because he ssaid he had been so upset that day that he didn't want to speak with anyone. When I finally manged to get through to him he was kind and caring but then broke down in tears, a real emotional mess and I was the one who ended up comforting him - I had only been home about 3 hours at this point. When I told him he was being a little unfair and needed to be stronger for me he agreed and said he was having a "turn" and would be better later but despite that he is still being really distant with me - he doesn't seem to be able to show any kind of compassion or tenderness at the moment whatsoever.

I am not a fool and yet I am unsure whether or not he is merely having a difficult time facing the choice that we made or whether or not he is distancing himself because he now feels that everything is over now and he has no more responsibility. From my own point of view, I need him to support me through this as he promised and I don't know whether or not to ask him to come to counselling with me or sit down and discuss this further. I have no preconceptions about continuing a relationship with him at this point - if that happens it's a long way down the line and we both need to reassess our lives to see whether or not we can continue to allow each other to be a part of it but for now I need his support and I need some help to find the right way to make him give it to me.

Thank you to anyone who takes the trouble to read this.

This is an open reply and update to all the lovely people who have messaged me privately about this issue and for anyone else.

The situation since I made my initial post is that I have spoken to my now most definitely ex boyfriend and he has told me that he cannot cope with any of this. He wants and needs to back away from me and the whole situation as it is the only way that he can cope. Not entirely sure what it is he cannot cope with - the abortion, mine or his own grief, my fluctuation emotions or just any kind of reasonable commitment. My gut feeling is that he feels that the pregnancy is over and this is the perfect get out clause for him - it's always easier to back away from a problem in a relationship than try to fix it - it certainly seems to me to be a situation that has sorted the men from the boys.

This man is truly the kind of person you wish never to come into your life. Someone advised me that his behaviour of promising to be supportive, kind and tender and then backing away was the worst kind of emotional abuse and I am inclined to agree and I urge anyone to be very wary of anyone who acts like this.

On a more positive note, I am going to seek counselling by myself and have already made the first steps in doing so.

Sadly we all have to learn the hard way that you cannot force people to do the right thing. It took two of us to create the baby and decide to abort the baby but it can only be me who decides how I can fix my feelings about that and move on.

My very best wishes and thanks to everyone.