"Just a Phase?"

My girlfriend and I have been talking about marriage alot lately. And I know it scares her, she is most definitly a "commitment-phobe" so I've stoped pushing it because I love her and dont want her to become uncomfy or feel like Im pressuring her into something shes not ready for. But when I told her that, she told me it wasnt just the talk of marriage that has been making her act weird lately. She says she's been doubting her own sexuality. She says that sometimes she feel like I'm just a phase, or that being attracted to girls is just a phase. She says that she cant see herself ever marrying a women, even if she loves her (as she loves me) because her entire family would disown her and she cant handle that. She says she isnt ready to handle the all the problems and hardships that come from being in a same-sex marriage/relationship. How am I supost to take that? To be honest it hurts because I love her so much, and none of that matters to me as long as I have her in my life and in my heart, and I dont know what to tell her. Help?

wait....ok take three.... lol

Can you tell me how old the two of you are? you are not online...so I am just gonna go on...

This is her being honest about her fears. And has nothing to do with love or feelings....she loves you, you love her...this is not the issue. What the issue is ...her own fears of living as an open and proud lesbian.

Now if you are open and "out" , this will be very painful for you. You will spend years hiding for her...it will kill you.

On many occasions I see this happen, it is very hard to overcome the fear of public and family rejection. But is something you cannot help her do. She needs to soul search and decide what is right for her. If she does not address this now....it WILL come back to bite you and her.

I tell my lesbian friends, who deal with this pain to often...darn it just dont fall in love with anyone who is not already and open and out lesbian...its just to damn painful. Now I realize this is easier said than done...

For now just let her know what you expect. I would say do yourself a favor, tell her to go on without you for awile to figure out how she feels. Remember, this is ok....because its not her questioning her love for you....its about her being able to figure out if she can be a real partner.

To answer your first question we're both 26 years old. And yes I am an OUT and PROUD lesbian. I have told everyone who is important to me and I am no ashamed of who I love. So yes, this is very painful for me because I am Hiding for her. I hate not being able to touch her because "Oh no! Someone might see!" And I hateeeeeeeeeeee it. How can I be with some one who is ashamed of me or what we have? Idk....she hasnt always been like this. When we first got together she didnt care who saw us of if we were holding hands or something in public, it seems to be getting worse. I think your right, I should give her time to figure her own stuff out. I just dont want to lose her, I know everyone says that, but she has become such a HUGE part of my life. She is my girlfriend, my lover, and my best friend. How do I give her time away from me when I need her so much? I cant be selfish and I know it, but its just so hard. But youre right, its better for her to take time and realise if this is a "phase" or whatever before she breaks my heart completely. Whatda u think??

give her time...tell her you are gonna give her time to think...get away from her a bit..give her space..to think..dont call her or see her for a few days,at least 2 weeks..hopefully she had time to think and look deep in herself to find her true sexuality..maybe she is a lesbian and afraid to recognize it..or she is going thru a phase and is confused.....give her time

Hey....ok well the age makes a difference.

By that age she should be well on her way to being comfortable with who she is. I assume also that at that age she no longer depends on support (money etc) from her family. So holding back is based on her own perception of how others will react. Funny thing is.....so many times people are totally wrong about how people will react...and most know it anyway.

So now....you really need to be strong and set this aside for awhile. It is impossible to really grow any further unless she is in 100%. You will hit a brick wall. And trust me, a few years down the road if this is not dealt with, the worst could possibly happen (she leaves you for a man). Not only that, you may start to resent the fact that you cannot live YOUR authentic life. You may need her, and that is fine. But I assume you also need for her to be in the realtionship for the right reasons.