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Thread: Is my Boyfriend Addicted to Porn? Help please.

  1. #1
    wonderer
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    Is my Boyfriend Addicted to Porn? Help please.

    My boyfriend and I have been together now for 10 months and approx. 2 months ago I moved into his apartment. I’ve known from the very beginning of our relationship that he looks at porn and we agreed that as long as it didn’t affect our relationship that there was nothing wrong with it. Shortly after I moved in with him I discovered a suitcase that was packed full of several hundred c.d.’s that he had burned off of the internet that included porn pictures and movies. He also hid several hundred porn pictures on his hard drive. We discussed this problem and he agreed not to download anything else and to destroy all that he had burned and downloaded.

    Just recently however, I discovered that hidden in his favorites were 30 or 40 porn sites that he has visited (including some teen sites). I confronted him about this because we have his 17-year-old son living with us and I didn’t feel that he needed to see what his dad was looking at. He got angry and accused me of snooping. Now the real problem here is that since the beginning of our relationship we only have sex approx. once a week, which is just not enough for me. He and I have discussed this issue on numerous occasions and he just always made excuses……too tired, too busy, low sex drive. Well recently this has become an issue AGAIN and this time he freely admitted that he looks at porn and masturbates very frequently, thereforeeeeee he feels this may be why he doesn’t want me on a regular basis. I had suspected this for a long time, however I guess I just tried to deny it hoping the problem would go away.

    Of course this news was somewhat of a relief, because I was thinking that there was something wrong with me but on the other hand it just really hurt me knowing that this has gone on for so long and knowing that he can get off looking at a computer screen when he has the real thing wanting him regularly. He said because he loves me so much and he doesn’t want to loose me that he would stop doing this. I’m afraid however, that he is addicted and that he won’t be able to stop. Should I insist on him getting counseling? Should I stay with him or end our relationship now? Is this something that he can stop doing on his own? I’ve noticed that other people on this site have had similar problems and would like to know what you all think?

  2. #2
    calibabe007
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    No, its just one of thoseguy things, no need to worry!
    Calibabe007

  3. #3
    charmed
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    Hi There Wonderer and welcome to the forum !

    I understand that you may be worried about where you stand at the moment with your boyfriend. I don't believe that you shouldn';t worry about it - its not that simple. Aosl, I wouldn't be rushing him down to thearpy just yet.

    You need to talk to him about this and let him know how it is - straight up. Then you both need to decide on a plan of action. The biggest problem in this instance is the fact that you are feeling left out and passed over, and that should be his main concern here.

    Porn is funny - it is an illusion of the way it could be - where else would we all get the chance to see other people naked and having sex so easily - the issue is the ease of accessibility.

    If that doesn't work - then perhaps you could try some therapy - but only after you give him a fair chance - then he has been given time by you to work on it. Don't push him away though - it's sort of like drugs - you give out too much about it and then the person will turn away and hide it from you - so be careful. You may need to take a more understanding approach to this if you relly do want a successful outcome.

    Hope this helps

    ~Charmed~

  4. #4
    wonderer
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    Charmed, yes I agree with your advice and I’m trying to do just that. I try not to push him away or make him feel bad for what he has done and the LAST thing I want to do is to push him further away so he starts hiding it again. My fear hear is that this thing may go deeper then what we think because he admitted that he’s been doing this for years. I’m VERY concerned that he will not be able to stop without help, but your right that I have to give him the chance.

    I love him and I do want our relationship to work, however I feel so hurt and rejected by this. It would have been easier to know that he was having an affair with another women instead of a computer screen. How can I possibly compete with that? Anyway, I’m trying to be as supportive as I can and I told him that I would give it a chance, but that if it didn’t improve I wouldn’t stay with him so I do feel that I’ve been completely honest.

    Any other advice would be helpful and thank you for the comments so far.

  5. #5
    garymax
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    ...one of those guy things, no need to worry... yeah, RIGHT

    "...I was thinking that there was something wrong with me but on the other hand it just really hurt me knowing that this has gone on for so long..."

    If it were just an innocent "guy thing" then this woman would not have feelings of inadequacy. She should not have to compete with any other woman--real or imagined.

    But then again--being a Chirstian--I would not agree to moving in and living together. But the principle still applies. Porn causes a split loyalty. It makes the woman you're with feel unwanted and betrayed. And she is vastly more valuable than an air-brushed image any day.

    Even if porn were OK (and it isn't), it would still be wrong due to the negative feelings it instills in most women. (Last time I checked, however, God was against even looking at a woman to lust. The look equals the act in His eyes.)

  6. #6
    charmed
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    If a woman looks at a man while walking down the road and thinks about having sex with him - is it any worse than a man looking at porn? The medium si different - but a man can feel as inadequate about it - and it happens all the time. Is your argument actually "thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife" cause thats what it looks like to me.

    I was baptised a roman catholic and while I don't practice anymore, I do consider myself to be a Christian and to uphold christian values.

    Your issue seems to be that you are anti-porn full stop, and that is where your opinion is based from. Me, I am not anti-porn. Porn has simply become more accessable in our world and don't forget that sex is one ot the oldest industries in history - dating back even further than Christ himself !!!

    I have stated in a post above that I think it does indeed have to stop as it is causing problems, but in Gods name - I think not. We can all tell the difference between right and wrong ourselves.

    Charmed.

  7. 07-31-2003, 10:46 AM

  8. #7
    charmed
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    Maybe that could work ! If you were up for it - that could work - I would however bear in mind that you are to a certain extent making it more acceptable by doing this. Making it something that you both share would indeed be a good idea. You need to take him away from the computer though !!!!!

    ~C~

  9. #8
    wonderer
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    I have suggested that we watch some together and he seems very open to that. We also had a discussion about our sexual needs while in the bedroom and we've learned alot about each other. He seems to be trying very hard because I'll ask him how things went after being home alone and on the computer and he has been honest with me up to this point. This is all positive, however I've read so many things that say most people will stop for a month or two and then it will all start again. I've now realized that this is something that we will ALWAYS have to deal with because it is a sickness. I've also realized that this is not my fault, however it does still make me feel a bit inadequate. I'm trying to take one day at a time and I've been very understanding and open with him and he seems to be receptive at the moment. We will eventually try to watch some porn together, but I told him that we shouldn't try this just yet and he agrees. I know that he will make mistakes from time to time and I've asked him to tell me when he does and he says that he will.

    I just have to decide in the long run if this is something I can deal with for the rest of my life (considering we've talked of marriage). I realize that the chance of him overcoming this slim but I do have to give him a chance. I know that I have it better then some women going through this because at least he is admitting that he has a problem and that he doesn't want it to affect us anymore.

    Thank you for all your comments and suggestions and I do welcome more.

  10. #9
    wonderer
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    I have suggested that we watch some together and he seems very open to that. We also had a discussion about our sexual needs while in the bedroom and we've learned alot about each other. He seems to be trying very hard because I'll ask him how things went after being home alone and on the computer and he has been honest with me up to this point. This is all positive, however I've read so many things that say most people will stop for a month or two and then it will all start again. I've now realized that this is something that we will ALWAYS have to deal with because it is a sickness. I've also realized that this is not my fault, however it does still make me feel a bit inadequate. I'm trying to take one day at a time and I've been very understanding and open with him and he seems to be receptive at the moment. We will eventually try to watch some porn together, but I told him that we shouldn't try this just yet and he agrees. I know that he will make mistakes from time to time and I've asked him to tell me when he does and he says that he will.

    I just have to decide in the long run if this is something I can deal with for the rest of my life (considering we've talked of marriage). I realize that the chance of him overcoming this slim but I do have to give him a chance. I know that I have it better then some women going through this because at least he is admitting that he has a problem and that he doesn't want it to affect us anymore.

    Thank you for all your comments and suggestions and I welcome more.

  11. #10
    garymax
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    Hi Charmed...

    Quote Originally Posted by charmed
    If a woman looks at a man while walking down the road and thinks about having sex with him - is it any worse than a man looking at porn? The medium si different - but a man can feel as inadequate about it - and it happens all the time. Is your argument actually "thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife" cause thats what it looks like to me.

    Your issue seems to be that you are anti-porn full stop, and that is where your opinion is based from. Me, I am not anti-porn. Porn has simply become more accessable in our world and don't forget that sex is one ot the oldest industries in history - dating back even further than Christ himself !!!
    Charmed.
    Yes, I am taking God's viewpoint. Categorization of sin is a man-made idea but it is not that way with God. Being a Catholic, I am sure you know that under the Old Testament Law, if a person was guilty of breaking even the smallest of God's law, they were guilty of ALL of it--not just the part that they broke.

    With that said, yes, I am against porn because God is against it. You mention that this "goes back to before Christ's time." Oh really? I remember Christ said, "Before Abraham was, I AM." He has existed from time eternal as He is God in Flesh--Immanuel...remember? Stating that something should go on simply because it existed before Christ is folly or at best, ignorance. And it isn't just a "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife" thing. It is wrong to covet or lust because to do so is selfish, is a step out of love, and remember, under the New Testament, we are not bound by the 10 Commandments because they were made for spiritually dead men. If you have been Born-Again, the only "law" you have to follow is the "Law" of Love. Jesus said "Love is the fullfilling of the Law" If I love someone, I won't steal their wife, their car, lust after them, etc.

    Christ Himself stated that even to look at someone to lust was the SAME as committing the act because God does not judge you based upon your actions. He looks at the heart. All of our shortcomings begin in the thoughts. I guarantee you that if you nip your thought life in the bud where temptation is concerned, you will never carry through to the outward act.

    With this said, yes, a woman can look at a man and lust---and you are correct: the medium is different. You have to "manufacture" the thought instead of looking at an image on paper or monitor. But like I said, it's the thought and intents of the heart that matters. The outward act is only the fruit of the root which started in our thoughts. and it is still wrong. And porn fuels this. Those who think that it is "healthy" or "normal" are misguided.

    And my "argument" is not an argument, per se. I am simply repeating what the Good Book says.

    You are either free to accept or reject it.

  12.  

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