Dating advice for girl with a child

Alright here goes the situation. I am 19 and the girl that I have been dating for almost 2 months now has a baby girl (5 months) with an ex of hers.

Lately she has been worrying and thinking about the development of her child growing up. The only problem though is that the father of her daughter has a much different life than me.. almost the same life as my girlfriend had when she was younger.

Her father is into the drug scheme; which she had been into at the time of dating him.

She does not want her daughter to be subjected as a child to him because of his activities that he is involved in. She does not want her daughter to live the life that she did.

I have been the sweetest and best person for her ever -- just the fact she can't get over seeing me being with her daughter and not her real father. She finds it difficult to have to say to others when we're out and they tell us.. "oh she (the daughter) looks like both of you" and she has to explain ,"well she's only mine."

She said it would be much easier to give her to her real dad and she can actually say alright let dad watch you now..

It's just a really difficult situation and we're going to be mature about it as much as possible. She has no intentions of ever going back to her father at all.

I have done all that I can do.. but I think mostly what she needs is time and space to spend with her daughter.. I really have a lot of feelings for her and don't want to lose her. She has told me that I am much more than she had expected from in terms of how I am around her child. She says I have treated her better than her father ever would have. She broke the relationship with her ex after he started to become a little violent, and still chose drugs over her (this was before her daughter had been born.)

She says I've made her really happy and probably the happiest she has ever been -- but the past week and a half have been really depressing on her and me.. because she has things to deal with.

So honestly coming from me (being the concerned person) does anyone have any advice to offer me?..

Thank you.

I think you're doing a great thing, accepting her and her child and caring for them. The father issue is something you should just let happen, and it is out of your control to a point. You can give her advice, but you should try and see that she needs time to figure it out on her own, and figure out what's best for her child and herself.

If what you say about the father is true, I personally would go through the legal process to remove him from the situation. She should have complete custody, regardless of whether you are in the picture or not. The father has proven (in my eyes) at this point that he is not responsible enough to care for a child. If that's the case, and the mother and legal systems see it that way, you may end up growing into her life in a great way. Just try to give her space and time to figure out what she wants for her and her child right now...

S.A.M.

I think you're doing a great thing, accepting her and her child and caring for them. The father issue is something you should just let happen, and it is out of your control to a point. You can give her advice, but you should try and see that she needs time to figure it out on her own, and figure out what's best for her child and herself.

Thank you.

If what you say about the father is true, I personally would go through the legal process to remove him from the situation. She should have complete custody, regardless of whether you are in the picture or not. The father has proven (in my eyes) at this point that he is not responsible enough to care for a child. If that's the case, and the mother and legal systems see it that way, you may end up growing into her life in a great way. Just try to give her space and time to figure out what she wants for her and her child right now...

The father has no legal rights at all. His name is not even on the birth certificate. Just the fact that he will call her constantly and stop into work and basically put it that he wants to see the child. She responded to that one that if he really wanted to see the child, he would have been there with her the whole time -- but has never done a thing at all for her child.

Well, now I see it in a different light. If he truly has no connection to the child, then as I said, it is her responsibility to look out for her and her child's interests. If that means she comes to you, great! If she does, try to explain to her that you could easily care for the child as if it were your own. It can take some time, don't let time kill you. Time happens and time goes on. Good luck!

S.A.M.

hi would u take some advice from an older single mum who is making it work with someone new? her baby is still very young and she is her first child AND she is still quite young herself. she is troubled about how to be a good mum. how close is she to her own mum and/or sisters. she will need a great amount of support over the next few months are you sure you dont need some too? after all it is you she is leaning on. be patient-she does see all that you do for her good luck

hi would u take some advice from an older single mum who is making it work with someone new? her baby is still very young and she is her first child AND she is still quite young herself. she is troubled about how to be a good mum. how close is she to her own mum and/or sisters. she will need a great amount of support over the next few months are you sure you dont need some too? after all it is you she is leaning on. be patient-she does see all that you do for her good luck

I appreciate hearing from someone who has some experience with the situation. Now she does not have a sister, however she is VERY close to her mom. She has a very good mother to daughter relationship -- I'm sure she will share the same with her daughter as well.

Speaking from the perspective of becoming a step father, I have to say that I commend you, as stated earlier, for accepting her and her child together. Dating Single Mothers is different than women without children. When I met my wife, she had a 2 yr old daughter, and she was only 18 at that time. After we started dating, her Ex decided all of a sudden that he wanted visitation and to be in the childs life. (I still say that he finally realized that she was not going back to him, and tried to find any hold he could) While I was falling in love with my now wife, I fell in love with her daughter as well. I never tried to be the father or place myself in that role, I just tried to be a friend to her daughter and enjoy her company whenever I was priviledged with such. as things got more serious, we had some more discussions on the matter, and she looked more frequently for my input. To make a long story short, we have been married for 5 years now, and have two other daughters as well, and I love all three girls as my own. Just be patient with her, and be respectful for the situation. You should always try to remember, that if anything goes wrong or bad between the two of you, you would not only be leaving the mother, but her daughter as well. By that I only mean to try to be the little girls friend, and not a father figure as she gets older, until you know that you and the mother are going to be together and are willing to marry each other, thats the best way for the child.