My letter to the ex-girlfriend

I've sent the following letter to my ex:

'

Hi there –

My name is Lee, I am 29 and I have a story to tell. I hope that you will take the time to read this story.

I've never been truly happy within myself, I've been cursed with low self-esteem and lacking in confidence my whole life. Why? I haven't got the faintest clue. Being this way has seen me spend most of my young adult and adult life on a self-destruct mission, an intense one where the most effective methods have been selected and in all cases these methods have had the desired effect.

There have been two major incidents during this time, that have seen me change my ways. There was a third, but it was a godsend rather than an incident.

I'll start with the godsend. I had started working in London shortly before meeting my Princess. Despite often feeling homesick, I liked London to begin with, it had much to offer a single 26 year old with a disposable income. I made the most of my time there until I started to feel out of place, my low self-esteem was out to get me once again. I began returning home on the weekends, preferring to do myself destructing closer to home where friends and family could intervene where necessary rather than in one of the loneliest places on earth. It was during one of these weekend visits home that I made a simple comment to a friend that gave me a chance to meet up with the object of my desire, the girl who later became my Princess.

It happened shortly after my 26th birthday, and came in the form of the prettiest girl I've ever seen and the most handsome, happiest and funny little boy you could imagine, he had just turned 4 and she 25. We were of the same age group, we knew the same people and we liked much of the same so conversation was abundant in the early days, something which allowed a great friendship to develop. A friendship which later developed into a wonderful romance. I was smitten. I loved her so deeply, wanting to be with her constantly. I would move mountains for her, swim oceans and much more.

My being in London was good for the relationship. It gave us time to breathe, prevented us from getting under each others feet and allowed us to miss and value each other fully. It broke my heart to be leaving them both on a Sunday evening to return to 4 days of working hard, with people I couldn't really connect with and the loneliness I felt without them, my friends and family.

We seemed to be doing most things the right way back then, there were mistakes and arguments but that is always going to be the case. My low self-esteem was trying to screw things up but eventually it was defeated. We would make time for each other in the evenings, I would make time for her child and I to bond in the days and the rest of the time was spent making the most of our weekend together. I had never been so happy, I had a girlfriend who loved and appreciated me, a child who worshipped the ground I walked on… all that I've ever really wanted from life. I had so much to offer them, they offered me so much in return.

Bammmm!!!!! Things started to go wrong. I began to dislike London with a passion, the people, the loneliness and the being apart from my new family. I quickly turned my dislike of London into a dislike of myself. This dislike of myself saw me off on a self-destruct mission once again. Albeit milder than any that had come before, it effects were more devastating than ever. I quickly went from loving and liking myself, for the way in which I had made two very special people very happy, to disliking and resenting myself.

My self-destruct mission was under way. The resentment grew and spread. I began to resent everything and everyone. The most vicious of circles began, one that I couldn't break. The more resentment, the more focused the self-destruction became and vice versa. I was no longer able to love or like myself, a person who cannot love themselves cannot show love to another.

Over time many other mistakes were made. My Princess didn't like the people she worked with so didn't socialise very much, although rather noble and loving, my decision to do the same was a foolish one. I had a crazy romantic notion that when you meet the right person for you that you don't need anyone else… wrong!!!

I have no doubt that I am most relaxed and at ease with myself when I'm behind the wheel of a car. Spirited driving through twisty country lanes is the only non-destructive way in which I've been able to relax as an adult. I've always been too care free when it comes to money, but I chose to no longer use my pride and joy for fear of losing more when the time to sell came. What a crazy mistake, I chose money, something I have little regard for, over the most effective stress reliever I've known. I was no longer able to constructively relieve my stress.

My self-destruct mission has taken a serious toll on my health. I ended up having five hours or so of artificially induced sleep for the majority of nights over the past two and a half years. My energy levels are drained. My liver was, and still is, overworked. I was depressed and angry, classic signs of an overworked liver and one that was releasing toxins into the blood stream. I no longer had the energy to give my Princess and child the attention they needed. My brain ceased to function during the day, instead it, and the rest of my body would come to life in the evening. This meant that my Princess and I would spend less and less time curled up next to one another, something that I valued and enjoyed greatly. Things were really going downhill. I've been little more than a cabbage during the days for the past 8 months, leaving me wide awake late at night with nothing better to do than to dwell on things, allowing the resentment to grow even more.

I am working hard at helping my liver at the moment, drinking masses of water each day, taking the most pungent and costly of natural medicines and suffering the most soul destroyingly boring diet imaginable. I am improving slowly, although I do not expect miracles. There have been set backs too, incidents where the anger has shown itself and continued to hurt the ones I love the most. I know who my nemesis are, besides myself, drugs and sprits have been my downfall. They will never again play a negative part in my life, instead they will serve as a reminder as to what I must not do or turn to when faced with a problem, and as a reminder to what I've done to myself, my loved ones and just how much I've thrown away.

This is where the third incident arrises. Needless to say, my destruction has affected so many things around me. My Princess no longer loves me, to the point that she cannot even look at or speak with me. Not only have I lost the person I chose to spend the rest of my live with but I've also lost the best friend I've ever had. Old 'friends' dislike me intensely, I have however rediscovered my real friends.

I would love to be able to tell this story to my Princess face to face. I am however, not able to do so for fear of my anger surfacing and subsequently confirming to her that she is indeed best shot of me. I hope that one day I will be able to do so, and that I will succeed in becoming the better person that I know that I can be.

I know that my Princess and child have been very hurt by me, and that there is a great deal of healing to be done but hope with all my heart that one day we can be good friends again. I know I could be a wonderful friend to her, and she to me. The greatest tragedy that could come from this is that we never be friends again.

I love my Princess and child very much. I miss them deeply and have them in my thoughts constantly. I have moments where I dislike myself intensely for what I've done to them, my family and to myself but I have to override this dislike or it too will send me down a destructive path.

It is inevitable that one day my Princess will meet another who I hope will treat her with the utmost respect, consideration, monogamy and love that I once did. I also hope that she is sensitive to my feelings when that time comes, as I will be towards hers.

Thank you for reading my story. It in no way covers everything I have to say, there is just so much that I would like to say but cannot express in words. My time with my Princess and child will always be remembered and cherished, I thank them both for all the good that they gave me. I also thank her bursting the bubble that I had become enclosed in, without this I would still be destroying myself and would stand to lose even more.

XXX

Could someone please comment on it? Does it sound okay?[/i]

Very well written. You should take pride in knowing yourself cause it sounds like exactly that. It seems from your letter than you are trying your hardest to get back on track and that is also a good thing. but the problem is, is looks like you have been covering your inner feelings with he relationship with your princess.

No-one should NEED someone else to make themself happy. And although people often turn to relationships for the relief they get from their own life, it is far more important to work out your problems for yourself. Is the person this letter is going to your princess?

I don't know if lettingher know this will help the situation or not. I think what you'd really need to do to get her back would be to show her you can be happy with or without her.

It's time for some strong self reflection. You are really going to have to look at where you are in life, where you want to be in life, and how you're going to get there. And doing this by yourself will be by far most beneficial.

What would make you happy in life? (excluding a partner) Find THIS out and then go for it. Work out where you want to be and what type of person you wish you were and then make it happen. Perhaps then you'll be able to sweep your princess back off her feet and how you how strong a person you really are.

Good luck - You can do it...

Very well written, I can see your pain in your words. I have to agree with what tobigahart said. You need to focus on being a happy productive person, without anyone in your life. The idea of a happy single is not a myth. I'm sure you are starting to rediscover your self.

I want you to understand one thing

You are not your mind,

You are not your thoughts

You are not your ideas or beliefs.

They may be yours, but they are not you.

They are instruments you use, do not let them control you.

Basically you need to understand that you control how you view a situation. No matter how bad it gets you can view it as "A situation that I messed up and now I'm screwed" or you can see it as "A learning experience, one that hurt me, but will make me a better person". It's all how you view it.

I understand you are hurting, but I want you to remember. Everything does happen for a reason, every experience is a learning one. I like your letter, if it makes you feel better then give it to her. Just don't have any expectations. Good luck and God speed.

Thanks guys, your comments are appreciated.

The letter has been delivered, whether it will be read or not is something I will not know.

My primary aim is to get my liver sorted, so that I have more energy through the day and hopefully be able to relax during the evenings. There is way too much tension within and I need to find a release for this.

I never again want to rely on a partner for my happiness. As to what will make me happy?!?!? I guess a good self-esteem and improved confidence with less irritability is what I seek.