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Please, answer me this...Women's opinions much appreciated


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Hi there. I've been thinking, and I'm getting frustrated. Anyone who reads this, please respond. However, I'm especially looking for some of the women to opine, please.

 

I've posted here before about my breakup. I was with my ex for 3.5 years. The background is too involved to explain within any reasonable amount of time. The only quick note I can give you is that she wanted to break up because she was unhappy, and didn't know why. If you want some info on it, see my previous post: link removed

 

I haven't initiated any contact with her except for a letter that I gave her that expressed the difficulty I will have remaining "friends" with her. I thought this was fair. She has tried to remain friends with all of her ex's. She often IM's me after I get home from work to say hello and what not. She always says that she is frustrated and depressed that she can't find a job. However, if I ask her if she's happy, she says yes. Confusing.

 

After giving myself some time to think about everything that happened, I've come to the conclusion that, despite all of the reasons she gave for wanting to end the relationship ["I've changed," "it's just not working," "it's all about you" (which is a lie) etc], she essentially left me for her ex-boyfriend. She said the rekindled feelings for her ex crept up out of nowhere after we broke up (within 3-4 weeks), which I don't believe. I wrote this in the letter. She didn't reject the idea. As a child of an alcoholic, she is a pro at evading taking responsibility for her own feelings.

 

Here's the problem. Her ex-boyfriend (now boyfriend, I suppose) is basically stuck in the same place he was in when he left high school a bit over 4 years ago. HE broke up with HER when he was 17 because he wanted to date other people. OK, that's cool. That's what you do when you're 17. She was 18 at the time, and starting college. About 7 months after they broke up, her and I started dating and remained together for 3.5 years. She is now 22; I'm 23, and he's about to turn 21.

 

The problem is this: he never got over her, because he improperly associates his choices with the effects they have had on his life. After he broke up with my ex, he dated other girls, for a little while, but always broke up with them. He got into a bunch of trouble with the law, got kicked out of school, slipped into depression and started smoking pot (amongst other drugs, on occasion) like it was going out of style. On top of it, he is a colossal disappointment to his parents. From that point on, he has not been able to maintain a decent relationship with anyone more than 2-3 years younger than him. He has not been able to hold a steady job (unless he works for his parents), and he keeps dropping out of the college classes (1 class at a time) in which he enrolls.

 

What it all boils down to is that his life went into the crapper shortly after they broke up, but NOT BECAUSE THEY BROKE UP. His existence is anchored in a fallacy. He has separated his life into two parts. Part I includes the great girl and prosperous path to success. Part II includes the loss of the girl (self-inflicted), depression, and self-medication through the use of narcotics, which, to my knowledge, has not stopped.

 

Ever since they broke up the first time (4 years ago), he's been telling her that he can't seem to find a girl that is quite as wonderful as she was. He's also been saying that his life was good when they were together.

 

On the other side, we have my ex: her life isn't going as planned either. She didn't do as well as she wanted in college (but graduated), can't find a job, and now she's having a hard time meeting the expectations she set for herself when she started college.

 

I bet having her ex (who is certainly in a much worse place than she) pining over her is pretty nice. What better way to feel better about your lot in life than to surrender yourself to the idea that your high school sweetheart has flushed his life down the toilet over his guilt for breaking up with you, and the only way to make things right again is to get back together.

 

I'm sorry, but that is a bunch of B.S. I'm sure it feels really nice to have someone appear to be head over heels for you. Actually, I'm sure it's intoxicating. But is that real love?? I don't think so. It's some diseased and juvenile form of love. Real love is sticking by someone no matter what. Real love is being able to face the problems of life together, to run from them. Real love enhances two people…it does not inflate one's ego, while saving the other's life.

 

She said that she's "not in the business of saving people." But, one does not have to use that particular language to subscribe to the philosophy.

 

It's almost as if they have both found a new "drug": being in love. Only it's not love. They are both running from reality and stuffing their heads in the sands of their infatuation. It's an emotional co-dependency waiting to happen.

 

I feel like saying, "Fine, if you want to walk backwards and fall into the arms of your loser ex, go for it!" But, at the same time, I don't want to say anything of the sort. I always told her that I loved her and that I would never give up on her.

 

In fact, I haven't said anything. I've pretty much faded into the background of her life, and I don't say anything…ever. I just watch.

 

Pardon my frustration. I feel like I've been dropped like a bad habit.

 

I beg for your comments on anything I've written if you have the time…but if you were to address anything, please answer me this: I mean really, how long can they possibly last?

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hey... well first of all... I'm not sure what you're getting after... the post was very interesting as you know a lot of knowledge concerning their past (as well as present?) love life and when and how their lives when down the "crapper." You do sound quite frustrated... I know its easy to get frustrated over this sort of thing.... but do you want to get back together with her? And if you do... do you think theres a chance? The only part her ex boyfriend (who shes possibly with) has to do with this is... if they're a couple... if they're not then theres a chance you two can get back together. But... if she keeps going back and forth between you and her ex bf... then shes probably not worth it... if she does that type of thing it looks like shes looking more for adventure and when the adventure of one relationship dies down, she goes to the other guy and so on...

 

I know its hard to do... so much easier said than done...but don't get upset over the "what ifs"... as in.. what if she IS back with her bf? how will that affect you? Well... that would mean you can't get back with her for the time being. I'm unsure of why she would go back to her ex bf after 3 and a half years of dating you... yes its flattering to have someone go heads over heals for you but in my opinion... if they destroy their own life because they broke up with you... thats not very flattering... it sounds like a guilt trip.

 

Anyway... when you ask her if shes happy... she may take it as... whether shes happy with her love life... not necessarily her entire life... obviously shes not happy with her entire life because she complains about not being able to find a job etc...

 

It sounds like she still wants to be friends with you. Just be careful... it'll be easy to spot a pattern: her going back and forth between you and her ex... if she does that... then she doesn't know what she wants and i suggest you just ... stay away until she has things sorted out... she can't do that all of her life... unless people let her.

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she can't do that all of her life... unless people let her.

 

This is really true in your case, you seem to be letting her get the best of you. If we were to analyze the dating habits of women we'd find that they, above all, love a challenge. And you violated that by telling her you'll always love her, be with her, etc....so you are no longer a challenge to her, you're the back-up guy...and I'd be real careful about accepting that role.

 

The good news is you have the power here. At any point you can just tell her to have a nice life (with the loser) and goodbye. You need to stand up for yourself, stop caring what she's doing and start worrying about what you can do to improve your life.

 

Good luck.

 

Bill

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  • 5 months later...

Don't say a word to her about it. As hard as it may be, keep all of your feelings to yourself. Do you know why? First off, if you say anything, she's not going going to take it to heart and really give it some thought {as IF} she'll assume you're jealous or trying to reak havik on her "newly found ex-bf relationship" and that, if anything, will make her desire stronger. Second reason? This guy is an ex-bf so the relationship failed once. Right?

Well, it is destined to fail again, especially if this guy is somewhat of a loser and your ex gf is having problems finding a job and getting her life together. After a while, if she's not able to find a job or isn't happy with her job or her life, she's going to get fed up with herself, with her inability to fulfill any of her dreams or to even get her life on track - she's going to get tired of the company she's keeping, begin to blame her ex bf {because she will assume he's got something to do with her failures} and she'll kick him to the curb. Even though this guy might be treating her like gold right now, because he realized he screwed up, in time his behavior will get back to the way it was before .. they'll start fighting or having conflict and the things that your ex gf disliked about him in the past will only become magnified in the future. The best thing you can do for yourself and for the relationship {if you want one with her in the future} is to keep your mouth closed - no matter how difficult it is -- play the role of cool respectable cat, and sit tight until the relationship failes. It will -- trust me. I bet you 10 to 1 .. it won't last more than a few months.

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You really strike me as a very well educated person. You seem to have a lot going for you. It seems that you have a decent head on your shoulders, but this breakup has you down. I know the feeling. I spent some time there myself after my breakup. I bet when you are feeling right with the world (ie. not right after a breakup) you are fun to be around. But this attitude you have right now is really hurting your image in her eyes.

 

Think about it, would you want to be with you right now? You seem like a wounded puppy. Go back to the person you were when you first started dating and see what that does for you. Don't be over excited about seeing her, even though you might be. Maybe even restrinct the amount of contact you have with her because you will be so busy doing the things YOU like to do that you don't have time anymore. Portray confidence and strength.

 

The benefits of this are twofold. First, you will be less likely to envoke strong negative feelings from her (because she knows she hurt you and will not want to face that fact). There are many things that will do to her feelings. She will probably be wondering about what caused the switch, and that you are no longer what she sees right now will be a good change. Second, you will begin to gain your emotional independence back and she will truly not be the pinnacle of your life anymore. This, my friend, is the beginning of recovery. It will feel good to you and make her curious at the same time.

 

Confidence and a positive attitude are key. Feel free to PM me if you like.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

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