dealing with young adult son

we are going crazy trying to deal with our son john. he is a second year student at a large college 150 miles away. he was mostly raised by his mother, who is a con artist herself; she made john the man of the house for years. she moved john 250 miles away when my husband and i started dating, so that my husband could not see john very much (and so that she could be near beach wealth). he was the perfect boy until he went away to college, probably overcompensating for living in a household full of problems. mom got sick, had lots of boyfriends, is a user of people, like i said, expected john to be the man of the house.

2 years ago, john almost cut us out of his life all together. we had not seen him for some time, so i emailed him asking what the hell was up, and he angrily fired back his whole life story--up until then, we didn't know the sorry details listed above-- he always told us everything was "great." after those emails, we decided we needed to TRY to have more of a role in his life. but it has been difficult because of the emotional wall this kid has built up and the manipulations he has learned.

the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. my husband has been paying for john to go to this expensive college now for 2 years and john is evasive about what is up. he is doing VERY poorly in school, is on academic probation, refuses to change his major from math (my husband is an mathematician), and when we try to talk about it with him, he blames everyone else--the professors, the school, his car (which my husband bought for him), etc. this week john saw an academic counselor and signed a contract stating he will get at least Cs in electives to stay in school. he is supposed to be studying math; this arrangement is john's way of getting around my husband's statement that he MUST do better or the gravy train will be derailed. he will simply get Cs in easy classes, and continue to receive $$ from my husband, or my husband is a liar.

my husband is now terrified that at the end of next quarter, if he cuts john's $$ off, john will no longer speak to us. he wants to do the right thing, but doesn't know what that is. he feels like his son is taking advantage of him, like his mother would. as stepmom, and someone who's always lived in a different town than john, i just don't know what to do. i feel like the kid IS taking advantage, but that that's all he knows how to do. i feel like he's angry at his dad for "not being there" when he was growing up.

on top of all this, john has chosen to live in one of the most expensive parts of one of the most expensive cities in the world, loves to hobknobs with the beautiful people and, we think, is bisexual and very sexually active. he also hangs around a very overweight, wealthy girl who, we think, "helps" him.

we need some advice.

i think your stepson is angry at the world. he is angry at himself and everyone and thing around him. he is blaming everyone for his mistakes, even though he may not have chosen this life for himself. he lives in his own world where he is perfect and everyone else is in the wrong.

i think he is taking advantage. in fact i know he is! just from your psot i can tell this boy is just like my little brother. he was abandoned as a child (by his birth mother) and we adopted him when he was 5. he was doing good in my family. but now he is cheating in school, popping pills, he lies all the time. he is blaming everyone else for his mistakes. he has to learn that he is not perfect and neither is anyone else.

i think your stepson is like my brother. they both have growing up to do. he has to learn that he has to pay for his mistakes. and also that he cant hwlp what happened between his mom and dad, but that doesnt mean that he cant get along with both of them. he needs to learn that you and your husband will not be there to protect him and help him out his whole life. he needs to be on his own. be responsible for his actions, and stop minipulating you and your husband.

talk to him. tell him how you both feel. and try to work things out.

i hope i helped you. i am sorry if i did not.

good luck!