Grandmother moved in this weekeed...

I'd like to start this by saying that in about the last 4 or 5 years, my family situation has been extremely confusing and things just seem to keep taking turns, usually for the worst, in this department of my life. To give a bit of background, my mother started coming to me about my junior year in high school about her problems with my father, then in 2000 they began living in separate rooms with her finally moving out with me in 2001(right smack dab in the middle of my senior year!). Needless to say this brought problems for mom and I, then they both started seeing other people, oddly I always liked dad's choices a LOT more than mom's. Then in May of 2002 my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she fought for 8 long months and finally was laid to rest in December 2002. Two weeks after she died, my grandfather on my father's side had a heart attack(complete shock as he was completely healthy at my mother's funeral, but HER father was in a wheelchair and only half there). So now my grandmother(my dad's mom) has moved in with us as she does not want to live alone and she was renting anyways. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this as, I love my grandmother(obviously) and I would rather her feel comfortable having people to live with than to be all alone, but I've been feeling long before she moved in that once she moved in she would begin to infringe on my independence. My father and I have a decent relationship now, we talk the few nights I actually come straight home from work(I don't get off the bus until 7 and most of my friends have weekend jobs, so if I want to see them, I have to stay out later). But he has not forced me to tell him every night where I'm going to be and when I'm going to come home, good thing cause I honestly never know.

But my grandmother has, on more than one occasion, told me that it is "considerate" to let someone you are living with know(parent or not) where you are and when to expect you home so that if you are not home at the given time, they know to start to worry. My father has defended me on this subject and told her that I have a cell phone, if something happens, I'll call him. And I too have said if he is worried and wishes to know where I am, he can call me. Apparently this is not enough for my grandmother and I am afraid that now that she is living with us, I will have to inform her where I'm going to be and how late I plan to be out. This is a bit ridiculous to me as I'm almost 20 years old and as I have said, I never know what I'm going to be doing. I also can't help but feel that if my father does not have a problem with me not informing him where I am, why should she? I've tried to reassure her that if she is worried, she is welcome to call my cell phone. However, this worries me too because I don't want to be called every time I'm out with friends and trying to have a good time.

I understand her point about being considerate, however, given I've been living in a situation where I only tell my father where I'm going if I'm going to be out considerably late, or if I see him, it seems unfair to ask me to adjust to accommodate her more than necessary. I've done many things to help her feel more comfortable in the house, but I don't feel that this should be something of a problem. I'm not sure what to do, should I continue to act as I did with my father, maybe try to inform her as much as I can at least the timeframe of when I'll be home, or should I just completely accept this as a new "rule" and tell her every single time I'm going somewhere and be home exactly when I said I would be?

Hi There !

I understand your dilema ! To keep grandma happy, or to let grandma know that it is she that has moved in to your house and not the other way around !!

Have you talked to your dad about this?? That would be my move. You shouldn't be expected to check inwith grandma if you haven't been checking in with your dad up to now.

Be careful though cause you don't want to hurt grandmas feelings. if you are close enough to her, perhaps you could talk to her yourself, but getting your dad as the boss of the house might be best first.

I'm sure you know which would be better !!

Good Luck !

~ Charmed ~

Dad and I talked a little about her moving in prior to this weekend. She also has other views, some of which I agree with like she thinks I should pay rent and I've asked my father is he wants me to, but he usually just shrugs it off. I think he is hesistant to that as I am paying for my college starting this fall and he doesn't think it's fair for me to pay rent and for college. But as long as he doesn't ask for some obsurd rent, I'm sure I'll manage. He jokingly said maybe he should make HER pay rent instead of me.

I know she means well, but yeah, it would be hard to come to her. She told me my dad said he had no problem with me not checking in with him unless under extreme circumstances (i.e. being out past 1am, going away for the weekend, etc.) So obviously he talked to her. I'm hoping she'll not overstep her boundaries into the parenting aspect and let dad and I handle this the way we have been. But I will try to talk to my father about it, however, with her there it's not going to be easy to talk to him alone. I'm sure I'll work something out. Thanks!