Midlife Crisis? - Update

Another update,

She's still up and down, down at the moment because she's not seeing her regular sex-only partner this week. I understand that the ups and downs are all part of MLC (if that's what this is) it certainly is a roller-coaster ride.

Talked again last night and she still insists she can't talk to anyone except me about all this. My feeling at the moment is that although she says that she has no plans to leave just now, I think she'll decide after our family holiday in august, and I think she'll leave. Nothing I can do or say will put me back into her soul the way she wants, she loves me but is not in love with me, I don't excite her or give her those little thrills when she sees me.

This is all so sad and so inexplicable, how will I explain it to the kids if she goes?

I have started to get my life together, last night I went to my Badminton club night as usual, only instead of coming home at about 9:00pm to be with my wife, I stayed till the end and had a drink with the other players. I will now make this my normal tuesday routine. I am also thinking about joining the Ramblers' Association (a society devoted to walking in the countryside) and going away for weekend walking trips - its a start.

Hey... nice 2 hear from u, now that u're gettin ur life back 2getha just try and keep it that way. B positive, smile.. it'll get u thru life.

Happy Heb

Hey,

Sounds like you have the right attitude and are taking the right precautions. At least now you have framed the issue correctly in both her mind and in yours, i.e. she has to take responsibility for her actions and not try to blame you instead.

DFC

She has definitely talked to a friend, althogh not directly about our marital problems. Her friend thinks that my wife is going through the menopause. Her friend says that it affects women in different ways, for her she couldn't face going out of the house for months, for some it seems they can't get out often enough.

Does it seem feasible that all her problems at the moment can be attributable to menopause? Is it then just a case of me sticking with her come what may in the hope that she settles down again?

Confused all over again!

I think the menopause isn't the cause of all ur problems. Sure women think crazy things but when they hav these big moodswings during their menopause its usually the problem they have, except totally exagerated.

You have a lot of different issues here but I am going to address the one that I think is most affecting your relationship (because it is tied into everything else). Your wife has lost physical attraction to you. Ouch. This can be a hard thing for a lover to hear. How do you feel as though someone lites your world on fire one moment and the next, nothing.

You don't.

She can be physically attracted to you again. Here's the thing, while we are initally physically attracted to a persons looks that changes as time goes on. Soon the physical attraction actually becomes more emotionally based then appearance based.

In other words: She feels as if she's no longer attracted to you because all of your emotional baggage has built up and put a barrier between the two of you. All of the mistakes (swingers clubs, online sites, etc) have built up between you two. The problems with your children, the fact that she likes to switch mates every couple of years, etc. all has built up.

These things need to be broken down if you really want to save your marriage. Counciling is ideal. You say she won't see a counciler, she'll only talk to you. Then perhaps you need to take a break from one another for a while. Show her what she's missing. Talk to her first, express that you can't live this way and tell her that you think both of you need to see someone about this.

Sure you can keep staying out late with the guys. You can keep doing your day to day things and going on with your life (this is good). It's healthy to do outside activities... but it's not healthy to say "menopause and MLC" is what this is. That's all. It will blow over. It won't. Problems don't just go away. They need to be addressed.

Haven't you learned that? If problems just went away you and she would be happily married right now. Cause all of your past issues would have went away. They won't. They just build and build and build and if ACTION isn't taken soon you won't have any relationship to salvage.

You'll cling to the woman she was and she'll move on to whatever is next.

I really suggest counciling for the two of you. In the least get some books on relationships and read through them TOGETHER. I suggest Dr. Phil's book on relationships with the workbook that goes with it or "don't sweat the small stuff in love". Read these things together is she won't seek out help with you. You might be able to salvage your marriage... but first you both have to admit to ALL of your mistakes.

From reading past posts I can see you've gotten some really good advice, but advice means nothing if you don't act on it.

Your wife is indeed suffering from "the grass is greener" syndrome. Something that has destroyed MANY relationships. But it sounds like she's aware of this and is willing to live with it. She knows that she likes to bounce from relationship to relationship chasing that brand new feeling of lust (instead of love). Hopefully she will be willing to seek out help with you and begin to understand that deeper, more meaningful love is much better then that honeymoon feeling.

lifeweb,

Many thanks for your advice, I think I sort of knew all this and I have taken action, one of my problems is my tendency to shout at the kids, which has always caused difficulties in our relationship. I have got a book on Anger Management and for the kids' sake if nothing else I am determined to fix that problem. Who knows it may also help us as well.

We have talked about the internet stuff and swingers clubs etc and I'm not sure they are an issue any more, after all we both went into it together and have decided its not for us.

We are still together and things are up and down. I keep trying to suggest counselling and may have made some progress in this direction.

Once again thanks for your advice.

Things seem to be getting better, another crisis has made her realise

"how much she loves me and relies on me". She is now saying that she can't imagine her life without me and that leaving to be on her own was

"just a fantasy". She is carrying on with her other man but accepts that it won't last forever and won't try to replace him with another one when the time comes.

My feeling is that she got a bit carried away with her emotions and had allowed herself to forget some of the important things in our lives together, for the sake of the thrills that she is missing. Possibly the hormonal changes associated with premnopause had contributed to this. She may have now realised how much we have together and wants to keep it. Only time will tell I suppose.

Myself? Well I am still in a state of limbo, what happens when the current crisis has passed, will the yearnings return? I don't know.

Just to let you all know that I'll not be posting for a while, we're off on our holidays.

Once again thanks for all the advice.