It is wrong.....isn't it?

I have a problem, and I need some advice....

I have been married 2 yrs 6 months, One of the qualities that attracted me to my husband was his love and devotion to children....I have a 14 year old daughter and that was an important issue with me.

Here is the problem:

He spends two days a week babysitting his children now 12 and 17 at his ex wifes house, he works midnight shift and goes over directly from work...they sleep usually till noon so he actually spends very little time with them.....he's on his daughters computer in chat rooms talking to other females..I have a computer here at home, but he refuses to use it....so I tired to resolve that issue....then when they do get up they have plans of their own and he's left alone and goes into his ex's bedroom and sleeps in her bed the same bed they slept in for 10 years....he's told me he still has feelings for his ex...that had she not asked for the divorce he would still be married to her.

I ask him to bring his children over to our house since it's summer break from school and he says it's easier to watch them at her house, which was their home for 10 years before they separated...and he constantly tells me how I am nothing like her, and never would be and belittles me. He takes her places and I never know until after the fact and it's when she mentions it.....I have never been a jealous person, and it wouldn't bother me but it seems like he's making himself available to her hoping she will take him back.

Am I wrong in feeling cast aside? Is this wrong or is it me? I told him if he didn't want to be married I'd give him a divorce but he tells me he loves me...only problem is I really don't feel loved, and I don't love him anymore....I feel betrayed....tell me what you think.....I finally got the guts to tell it..be honest I can handle it!

Hi iknowitswrong,

Welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I admire your courage coming to us with your advice request. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand that you are married to a guy that, according to you, doesn't commit himself to you entirely and keeps talking and spending time at his ex wife.

I have been put in a situation like you a while ago, as well. It actually didn't bother me as much to start with, but it did start to bother me when I found out that this young woman was messing with my head, too. I have tried my best to communicate as best as possible, but eventually I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Communication here is the key to your solution. Find out what you find acceptable and what you feel is wrong and communicate that to your husband. Tell him that you feel bad over the situation that he put you into and explain him exactly what makes you feel bad. Ask him for his opinion and see what he has to say. Last but not least explain to him again that you would like to have this solved and start a heartfelt (thank you Shy_Guy ... *grins*) discussion over it. The trick is to meet in the middle. Make sure that you are fully satisfied with the solution. If that is not happening, you might need to draw some painful conclusion.

I hope that this helped you on your way and wish you good luck

~ SwingFox ~

Hi and thanks for sharing, sounds like it has taken you sometime to be able to do so....

First, yes I think he maybe acting a little inconsiderate. If these issues cause you pain, you have told him and then he is not willing to met you half way, then yes I think he is wrong. It seems like he is taking advantage of the time away from you, and using it more for his own good than for his children's good. I don't see any reason the kids cannot just stay at your home. I think the online chatting issues is interesting as well, again he is searching for something here, and you need to find out what it is...

And in regards to be compared to the ex, next time he does it simply tell him in no uncertain terms...I do not care what you think about your ex, and do not ever insult me or belittle me again...and say... Is that clear. You do not have to put up with being insulted, if he has issues with his past, it is his responsibility to seek help.

But as always, continue to talk to him…and see if there is a middle ground here somewhere!

wow,..id hate to sound like the dis~encouraging person to asnwer ur post..but it doesnt seem as if hes very concerned about u as much as u are with him, from what ive read. All of the things uve mentioned would make me feel insecure in a stable relationship, and the only way to be happy and sure of what we have together, is to make some changes, or we couldnt grow together...

I dont like to see a great woman, as urself, being put on the backburner, because when we are in a loving relationship, we are always suppose to be put first. When a man has intentions of building more with us, theres nothing he would want to hide, especially his children that he should be proud of meeting and spending time with u., if u are to be a part of his future and theirs as well.

sleeping in her bed? no. thats totally unacceptable to me,...with tht said, id just hafta let go, because hes not only insconsiderate, but hes setting boundaries in far too many areas, when there should be none as hes made. theres certain things that are allowable in a relationship, so that we can avoid being that"nagging" type girlfriend, but be REAL with urself, and wake up to see what this guy is really about.

personally i think u sound beautiful, sweet and deserve better. but u know what u have or what ur willing to accept. Once ur ready for a change...things will be alot better, and 4 ur benefit...

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I think that you are getting very little happiness in this situation. The only way to make it better is to decide that you are able to make it on your own and start to separate yourself emotionally from him.

There is definitely emotional abuse and infidelity going on. I don't think you should put up with it any longer.

Just because he loves you, that doesn't give him the right to use you like this. He hasn't separated from his wife in an emotional way, only legally.

Stand up for yourself.