Can't Stop Sleeping with him

Okay so here's the story. B/f and I broke up after 4 years due to his alcohol problem. Was good guy when he wasn't drinking. Well you can only handle so much of it. Anyway, so the only time he calls me is to sleep with me. He tells me he loves me and he even almost cryed the last time I came over cuz he thinks I deserve better. Well I've been really depressed about this. I know I'm a great girl, but I don't understand why he just can't cool it on the booze and be with me. We've been through so much and I don't want to lose him. I know I need to stop going over there to have sex but it's hard. I miss him soo much. I know he flirts with girls in bars and stuff and I will never understand that. Why wouldn't he want to be with me? Why can't he change?

Help!

Take him to an AA---alcoholics anonymous--- meeting to help him get over his addiction. The fact that he was crying is actually a good sign; it may mean that he is really ready for some change.

I wouldn't leave him at this time if the only real problem is the drinking, I believe that you will be happy with him with the right counseling.

Go in for it together, he may have trouble going alone.

Dear foolish,

First off, I do hear and think that you love him, and miss him. I just think it is important that you STOP sleeping with him now. You are causing yourself pain, it will lower your self-esteem and I assure you in the long run he will not respect you either.

If he decides to seek help for drinking (assuming there is an addiction), then he will do it only when he is forced....(by family) or decides HE wants too. This is not something that just changes, it requires some assistance. We are not talking a personality fault here. This will not be something he can stop for you; no matter how much he loves you. I would like to think his love for you would motivate him to try however....and this is not the case!

And to be honest I think he is wrong, the reality is...he is using you for sexual contact. Just because we love someone, does not mean we cannot use them! He is taking advantage of the way you feel about him for his own personal satisfaction.

When you say you cannot stop…here is what you are saying:

You do not have the ability, knowledge, or the opportunity to stop…..You really think this is true?

Saga girl, he can stop, don't worry, he must or he will shorten his life because of it, he just needs to be educated to stop and control his behavior, stopping having sex with him is not the real issue the issue is that he is out of control; so if she stops having sex with him he will just find another victim to control and she will not have him, and the new person will have the same problems with him as she is....I know this to be true.

Plus it helps to have support to stop an addictive behavior, if he doesn't have her then he will just keep on drinking himself silly to help him forget.

She must persuade him to get help this is the only solution. If he is an alcololic, why would you think that the family isn't codependent too?

The only solution is for her to get him to a counselor!!

Hum, I think I stand firmly behind my original post. A person can in fact seek help for addiction, of course. However, they have to want too. No matter how much she may persist, she cannot make him go. Guess my concern here is HER emotional well-being. They are not married, do not live with one another...so I don't think allowing someone to "control you", or engaging in a sex only relationship is really emotionally sound. And at this point lose what? The only thing she is getting is sexual relations.

If she loves him she can in fact say: honey, I love you and will go with you to AA and support you while you get help...and then make a personal decision that if they are not committed, the sex should stop for now. And I say this because sleeping with him is obviously causing pain, hence the post.

(Thank you sisterlynch for your thoughts and my response is meant to be helpful here, not to refute)

I went back to the original post to make sure that I was understanding her correctly, but she seems to say that he is a great boyfriend if it weren't for the drinking, do you not see it that way?

If he is crying because he knows that he is hurting her, is that not a sincere emotion? I have only seen my husband cry 2 or 3 times in 20 years, so for a guy to cry, I feel, it shows that he is tired of the old and wants some direction in his life. I feel that this lady can do that -- give him support and direction in his life.

1 she came here with her question rather than going to a "friend"

2 she sees that he has other qualities, she isn't blinded by his faults--this shows that she is full of reason and brave!

3 I don't think there is any using going on, any more than what goes on in any committed relationship

4 She could leave and he could too, but for the fact that they have one another!!

5 Finding the right partner is important, I wouldn't take this lightly...those in committed relationships are much happier than those not....don't throw the baby out with the bath water!!

6 if she helps him kick this addiction, he will stay with her forever!! Men have hearts too!!

I so agree with what you say if she was in fact married, or at least living with him, and your right what i see is this: (she wrote " B/f and I broke" "so the only time he calls me is to sleep with me". "I know I need to stop going over there to have sex but it's hard". "Why can't he change")

Those are the things that cue me to think there is nothing going on there more than causal sex. Now crying is wonderful, he has a heart...but after that did he still sleep with her.....you bet. And again, staying and working through hard times is so wonderful, and yes its the test of true love. But, in this case they are not a couple, he is not getting any help and she is saying I know I need to stop....

Lets agree to disagree on this one!! I think we have given her enough feedback don't you!!

Someone has to help him, he can't help himself.

Thanks guys for helping me here. I agree with everyone here. I know I need to stop sleeping with him but it's hard when he calls to be strong about it. We love eachother soo much. He told me about 10 minutes ago that he is sorry that he won't give it up. He says that drinking takes away all his problems. He says that it helps him to not think about me. I don't understand. I did nothing wrong in the relationship here. I stood by him through all of this. What do I need to do here. Should I stay away? I really don't think he will go to AA meetings. Sagagirl is right. He probably thinks I'm a nag doing this.

Hi there to "foolish", and yes thanks to both the ladies who got so into this with me....its great to really talk through a topic!

I think re-reading the posts will help some. And yes I think that at this point a strong decision is needed. I think the best you can do is not engage in sexual relations with him. You can support him by offering to help if he ever wants it....just dont set yourself up to be hurt anymore. best of luck and please keep us updated

Okay I think I can try to do this. Usually I'm not so stupid about these things. What do I do If he calls later tonight?

Listen to your own voice, you know him and we don't, we can only tell you what we would do in that case. I come from an alcoholic family and my husband doesn't, so he always gets upset with me if I drink too much, which happens about every two years or so. But it really has helped me to think things through and not have too much. That is why I know that he needs counseling and that yes you do have to nag him to go if you want to be responsible, or you can throw up your hands and say it is out of your control like the others would have you do. It is up to you. I can't imagine being married to an alcoholic so if you don't want that in your life I can totally agree with you on it.

It isn't going to be easy either way, unfortunately there is never an easy solution.

I agree that you sould listen to your inside voice. Be strong, and do what is right for you. You deserve to be happy. And I don't think you are being "stupid" (as you say) This is very diffcult....and by talking and thinking through your feelings...you are being very smart!