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Thread: married but still in love with first love

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2003

    married but still in love with first love

    When I was 14 I met the love of my life. It started out as a normal teenage boyf/girlf relationship, but he was unfortunately only here for the summer. His family was moving about 14 hours away. We talked very often after he left. And he always came back every summer to see me. We started not to talk as often the older we got, but we both knew that we were soul mates. We both dated others while we were apart and neither of us were threatened by that. We have always been so sure of our relationship, and didn't want to miss out on high school experiences.

    Every time he came back to visit I would interrupt present relationships with other guys to be with my true love. No one else mattered. His visits started getting more scarce as we both got closer to graduating high school. The next visit from him was for my high school graduation. It meant so much to me for him to be there. He could only stay for a week. Then came college for both of us. We hardly ever had time to talk, nor could he schedule a visit back home, but we had agreed before we made any huge decisions in our life, that we both wanted to complete college. I had no clue what was going on in his life even though i still thought about him often.

    I ended up meeting a guy who I had no intentions on falling for, but no one ever does right? We instantly connected, and spent all of our time together. It was so different from all of my other relationships. I wouldn't let other guys get close to me, because I was holding out and waiting for my soul mate to come back for me, but this one broke through without me even really noticing. Before too long we were both head over heels in love. When one night, I received a call from my "soul mate". He called to tell me that he missed me and wanted to be with me and no one else. And that I was the only one who made him truly happy. I, of course had to explain to him the situation I was in. It broke his heart to know that I had fallen for someone else. But the weird thing was that I was still totally in love with him. How could this happen? You aren't supposed to be able to love two people at once, right? Well, I did. And had no idea what to do. I was so torn.

    My soul mate wanted me to move to be with him, and that he would marry and support me. But I couldn't bear to leave my new love. My soul mate had begun to be used to the fact that I would leave the one I was with for him, that he did't understand why this one would be any different. Neither did I. But he was. End to the story...I am now married. Not to my soul mate, but to the new love. At the time that my "soul mate" wanted me to leave everything to be with him. I wasn't ready. I was only 19. I couldn't bear to leave my family and friends, and most of all, I couldn't bear to break the heart of someone I had recently fallen for. So, I decided to stay where I was. My soul mate and I failed to speak for a long time immediately after that phone call. He was very angry that I did't choose him. After all, we were soul mates, he was my first love, and I had made a promise to myself and him that one day we would live a happily married life and have beautiful children together.

    So what happened? I forced myself to try not to think about him or our torn relationship. I moved on with my life, moved away from my hometown with my mother and new love, was still in college, and talking about marriage. I never was able to forget my soul mate. I thought about him every day, but couldn't bring myself to tell my love, or my mother. It was tearing me apart. My love proposed at Christmas of 2001.

    I began to doubt that my love was the one I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. And I also thought about how I had ruined my relationship with my soul mate. One night after about 2 years of not speaking, I called my soul mate. I poured my heart out to him, letting him know my doubts and fears, and also that I was still in love with him. I needed advice about what to do. I needed to know if I was making a huge mistake. He did't give me much advice, and couldn't tell me if I was making a mistake. He had begun a relationship with someone else and things had been going smoothly with them. This time he wasn't telling me to move to be with him. He did tell me that he was also still in love with me, and always would be, but did't want to make any changes in his life at the moment. I hung up the phone shattered. We were destined to love each other for the rest of our lives and could do nothing about it as far as we could see.

    My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary. It has been a rocky, but very loving year. I think about my soul mate every day. We still check up on each other almost every month to see how each of our lives are going. Neither of us can bear to tell our partners that we still talk. Both of them know our relationship with one another, and both are very scared of it. I can't blame either of them. I just need some advice on what to do. I hate having to hide that I still love my soul mate. I am sure my soul mate feels the same. But neither of us can bear to break the hearts of the ones we love. I am scared of living my life only to end up regretting my decisions.

    Please help!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    somewhere near Liverpool!
    hello, i wanted to reply with the perfect solution but i think you will find that most people will read and not quite know what to say. what i can say is that all of us remember our first love. i remember mine and in fact still keep in contact with mine (i live in uk he lives in us) but after 17 years i still speak every now and then with him. the difference is with me is that i know that the image that i have of this perfect first love is 17 years old and he and my needs and wants have changed and that i know that if we were to get together that because i have placed him on this pedestal he would not live up to this image i have of him.

    also, you seem to have an amazing guy with you now and yet you obviously feel he is second best because otherwise you would not think so much about your first love. maybe you need to look deep inside you and work out why you feel you need this guy and how would your life be improved if you were with him, would it?

    i hope you do find a solution because it sounds that both you and your first love have great partners who are oblivious to whats going on and in that way its very sad

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jul 2007

    I think...

    Wow, Brooke. I would love to give you a definitive answer, but there isn't one. I really know how you feel. I guess you could say i know how your ex feels. This is so close to what I am going through right now, maybe I can give you some insight into his perspective.

    If you had such deep feelings for each other, and you married someone else, you can understand all the things he went through, the heartache and eventually trying to pick himself up and move on. To oversimplify it, one of two things is going on with him, 1) he truly cares the person he is with and wants to give himself and chance to love again, 2) he feels the same way you do, but is either hurt or bitter, and just can't bear the thought of going through losing you again.

    I'll tell you this, "The Rest Of Your Life" is a long time. A long time not to be true to yourself. A long time to be commited to something you're not really commited to. I know that it is extremely difficult right now, but to be fair to yourself, your husband, your ex, you need to make a decision.

    Easy to say, not to do, right? I know. And I must say, I don't mean this in a judgemental way at all. But you need to make a decision, either way. If you are married, you need to quit calling your ex. Period. If you loved your husband enough to marry him, be respectful enough not to call your ex while you are with him, even if you decide to leave him.

    Also, if you really, truly, do want to rekindle things with your ex, it's not fair for you to be with someone else and make plans with him too. You'd need to break it off with your husband first and then go for it. It's just not fair to him. And he might not take you back. I guess it's a HUGE risk for you, but understand that you would asking him to take a huge risk.

    I don't know if this helped any, but I will tell you this, if my ex filed for divorce (which he said he would) and approached me again, I would totally and completely go for it. But it's not fair for him to ask me while he is with another woman. I didn't give him an idea how I felt, because affairs and deception are just unhealthy and wrong. He would have to take that risk to let me know he was serious and truly sincere.

    I sincerely wish you the best of luck, no matter what you decide to do. Just remember to be honest. Deception is a terrible way to end OR begin a relationship.

  4. #4
    Silver Member bexcelant's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    This is truly like two ships passing in the night. Destined to watch as the other passes by your bow. Like the movie Dr. Zhivago and his love for Lara. All his life he loved her yet it was never to be.

    A lifetime is a very long time. As an old woman told me once. There are no guarantees in life. You cannot guarantee that the person you are with will be by your side 20 years from now let alone another day. Life your life one day at a time. Have children, be happy, make the best of your situation. Tomorrow is another day.

    Nobody knows what the future will bring.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member Circe~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Edit out - this is so old! Don't know why it appeared on my screen
    Last edited by Circe~; 06-15-2009 at 01:03 AM.

  7. #6

    What did you decide?

    Seeing that this was was posted back in 2003, I am curious what you decided.

  8. #7
    yes this is the first love we hear about and know it as an obstacle in our life and never forget , not only because his or her personally or his / her agreement and harmony , but cause it's the first emotion plant our heart with the seed of love and irrigated it

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