Five Years down the drain?

This is my first post on here, so thx for the welcome. Let me start by telling you about myself and the former lady. I'm 22, shes 21 we met when we were 17 and 16 in High School. She was one of those that I always wanted to be with, but never tried. One day things clicked and next thing you know we were dating. We dated for almost 5 and a half years with only minor bumps. I broke up with her for a week fling 3 years ago, she broke up with me twice (three if you count now, get to it in a min). I consider myself a very caring, charasmatic person and she is just the same. We have our normal differences (what i think to be normal), she likes family, shes a country girl, vegetarian, introvert, and has a lot of common sense. I have very little family, none that I see on a regualr basis, even my parents, i'm a city boy, extrovert and I'm a very intelligent college kid. Well we have been through a lot in the past years, I left a very highly selective college after a year because our relationship couldnt take the long distance. I also recently moved out of my own apartment to live with her and her mom and save money for a house. For her birthday, which is today, I had a engagement planned. So heres where it goes downhill.....

Two days ago I spend all day away from here, she comes home that night and wont talk to me. Finally I drag it out of her and she says shes not happy (great timing huh?) I figure its just a small thing, so I try to comfort her and go to sleep. The next day I come home from work and we close the deal, we arent official anymore. Reasons I get not in any order: relationship is going no where, she has no guy friends (true), she can't go out with her friends without thinking about me, she has been faking being happy with me for a while (she asked me to move in 2 months ago) and we are too different for each other. So here's my question to all you experts:

WHAT DO I DO?

Heh, not so much that as in how also. If I should forget her (I am madly in love with her) what is the best way? If I should wait for her, do I call every now and then? Stop by? (I feel like she is one in a million with the way she handles things, very stubborn. I think even she feels like she starts to miss me she wont let herself be wrong, ya know?) If I should chase her, how do I know when to quit?

I'm so confused and have absolutely no idea what I should do now. The biggest part of me hopes that she will come around and want to be with me, but another part of me says that i'm better off without her if she would do this to me so unexpectedly (we were 2 days from being engaged). I know i'm rambling, but I could really use some help and a good pat on the back. Responses can go here, or i'll take an e-mail (esp if you having a similar problem) at:

email removed

Thanks ppl, hope this board works!

Confused in KY

she says she didn't feel like the relationship was going anywhere? and you were two days away from proposing to her do you think she would have done the same thing if you had done it earlier. well maybe you should try and keep in touch with her you spent 5 years of your lives together and that has got to mean something to her like it does you. just try calling or talking to her face to face let her know that you want the relationship to go somewhere like marrige eventually like you had planned you could also ask if there were other reasons why she wasn't happy and then try to work it out that. if she doesn't wanna talk right then jus tell her that eventually you will want to talk but if it bothers her right now that you will give her time.

i hope this information helps

She had no clue I was going to propose, it was a huge surprise. I didn't tell her I got the ring until after she made it official. She has been begging for one for well over a year now so some of my friends think she might come around in a bit. However, I dont want her coming back JUST for the ring, I'm smarter than that. I know her prob more than anyone and for some reason I just have this feeling that its over for good, maybe its just me being negative or whatever. It just sucks cause I have a hard time making perma-commitments and now that I finally do it ends up like this.

Have you tried just sitting down & talking things through? That way perhaps you can really find out what's behind the way she's feeling & also let her know how you feel about the relationship. I wouldn't forget her, but I wouldn't put too much pressure on her either. She might have a lot of questions in her mind & about the two of you & you wouldn't want to push her away. I know what you mean about stubborness. My ex would not budge once she made a decision about anything & always saw things as black or white. No room for discussion & no gray areas, I don't know if its an ego thing or what. Bringing up the ring is questionable & I can understand what your saying. I think your going to have make your own decision about that & timing might be everything.

WHOA.

Okay hun here is my partake on this.

First off, seems like for such an old relationship and how close you guys are...you guys were lacking in talking. Something is funny with her reasons also. I think you seriously need to talk to her. You guys have gone through alot of tough times it seems and this is just another one to add to it. What did you guys do the other times you broke up?

I think you need to talk to her and rationalize through her reasons. Are you a very jealous guy? Why can't she have guy friends? I think you should allow her to have atleast guy friends and let her know that is fine. It is better to have her in your life and with guys as friends than without her I am sure.

Did you tell her when she made it official that you are madly in love with her and want her in your life. That you wanted her to be in your future. You dont have to mention the proposal, just say you wanted her to remain a big part of your life years from now.

Ask her why she feels she needs to worry about what you think all the time? What kind of relationship is that? And the whole pretending to be happy with you, thats crap. She really needs to explain that to you. She owes it to you. Ask her why she felt she needed to pretend with you. Tell her that isn't fair not just to her but to you too. A relationship like the one you guys had doesn't seem like the type that either one of you should feel you need to be dishonest with one another about feelings and I think you need to talk to her about that.

I wouldn't wait around for her to come around. I would talk to her as soon as you can. Be honest and tell her to do the same. Tell her how you feel about her and about this situation and ask her to do the same. Good luck and post on what comes of this plllleaase. I wish you the best.

I tried to sit and and talk to her and she keeps saying the same things over and over. "I'm not happy, I've been acting like I was happy for a while now." She says we are too different, that we've never known anything else other than us. blah blah blah, thats what I feel like. I feel like such a p*$$y cause I cant even talk to her withou crying. Worst part is, now I have to evac outta the house pronto or else things just keep gettin awkward. She is a very NEGATIVE person, she'll remember every wrong thing I do and never remembers the good things.....seems so hopeless.

Um to answer EBLUE:

Other times we broke up...first time was only a day and was no big deal really, second time I had a fling with a girl (she doesnt know) and realized i really wanted her, time before this, she dumped me and said she wasnt happy and wanted more guy friends. Funny thing is, I was jealous the first year (what guy isnt?) but after that it was no big deal. Hell I went out of state while she was in HS and we stayed together no big deal.

I have told her I'm deeply in love with her a million times, got her a dozen roses and a card for her b-day today instead of a the ring (she said she didnt want it). I told her she was the only one i could see being the mother of my children, all she said was "That'll change eventually"

I feel the pretending to be happy is CRAP also.....what a bunch of BS. I ask her specifics and she cant tell me. I have talked to her every second I've seen her these past 3 days and she isnt moving. She pretty much tries to avoid me at all times unless I come to her, that tells me that feels guilty I think. Also, when I asked her if it was over for good, because I needed to know, she told me "For now it is." Keep me dangling, right where she wants me I guess.....

So for now, I'm moving out this weekend, prob only have 2 days left to talk to her. Any life-saving tips out there? Maybe it's a life-saver to get out of this then....

Hold up....does she have depression problems cause from what you describe of her..sounds like things a person suffering from depression problems have...Do you know if she does or not?

hmm..but as for life saving tips. This girl sounds very frustrating. I think she is either testing you or is going through a mood swing, hence why i think she has depression problems. She seems negative..another hint at depression. Saying that will change on the mother of my children comment..means she doubts your love for her...wanted a ring for a long time..means again..she doubts your love for her and thats the only way she knows. No matter how obvious and blunt you are about your feelings, people with depression don't let themselves believe it. They also say things like, I "pretend" to be happy. I should know. I said it to my boyfriend before. I think if you think I may be right on the depression thing..that might be the reason for all of this. You should ask her if she thinks she has problems with that and tell her your here for her. People with depression problems tend to push people they care about the most away and act stubborn but in a way..want those people to come back..to show they love them. So the thing that usually works for me in this case...is when my boyfriend keeps bugging me to talk..then gives me time. A few days. Thoes few days let me think how important he is to me. Then will leave me some kind of message saying well if you need to talk about anything I am always here for you. Then I will get rid of my stubborness and talk to him. Maybe you should do the same? That is if she has depression problems. If she doesn't.

then well it sounds like she is just playing games with you. I think you should just give her time then. If she answered all the questions you asked...and sticks with those answers, than giving her time is all you can do. Just tell her you will be there when she is ready to talk about what is really bothering her whenever she is ready before you step back for a while. I hope all this makes sense..cause now my mind is getting all jumbled with things you could do...

Well the depression is probably the most obvious outlook on this case heh...she lost a real close cousin to a car wreck two years ago, her grandfather the next year, and two months ago she lost her aunt to cancer. She has been through a lot, but I have been there every step of the way for her so I dont know how much of a factor the depression is.

On a side note, talked to her only friend shes told anything to about the situation. Her friend (along with some ppl at my work) seem to think that since she just turned 21 she wants to get out and have fun. Shes not the wild type, but her friend says shes made comments that she hasnt ever experienced anything other than our relationship. So thats another thought.....

And I only have today and tomorrow to talk to her about it before I move out and she goes out of state for the weekend. Who knows when she'll talk to me after that.

I am a gay male, but in gay relationships we still experience the same kind of issues. Im so sorry to hear that I had the same problem happen with an ex boyfriend of mine. Think of the deeper meaning, if you leave her alone for a while, she may realize what she is missing, but if you chase her down, stop by, it will probably a. annoy her and b. hurt you even worse. I tried the chasing down, stopping by calling, and he would never answer my calls and was never home. It hurts even worse, trust me. I never heard from him again because I was being too "forward" in his own words. I would hate to see you make the same mistake. think of this quote "If you love it, let it go, if it returns, its yours to keep, if not, it wasnt yours to begin with" its very true to both of our situations. I wish you the best of luck. If you would like to chat, hit me up...supershane@link removed

Sorry to hear your situation bro. I got a lot of the same responses as you, "Not happy, can't go out with her friends without thinking about me, blah, blah, blah". My ex was also 22. Fact is that's a young age man. You both still have a LOT of life to live. It's sounds like crap (and it did to me at first) but you probably won't get sufficient closure from her. That will come from yourself in time. Best thing for you to do is go NC. Good luck.

My ex did the same thing. Felt like things were so serious at such a young age, that she felt the need to go out and do her own thing and not have any strings attached.

Little did I want to realize, and my gut was right, but she found someone else. They needed a change of scenery, a new person, a new name, a new touch. They wanted to have something different, things got stale.

My ex told me that we were different people, that she needed space and wanted to do her own thing.. Well, she did I guess..

I fought and fought it, and then I finally gave up. Because someone worth loving isn't worth all that mess.

4 months almost to the date.. She's crawling back at me, telling me she's made the worse mistake of her life and that I'm the one she loves and can see marrying and all that. She said I'm the one to father her children, and I'm the one that makes me the happiest ever. She had some depression problems apparently, and said she was being selfish, and wasn't thinking straight. She wasn't "grown up" and was thinking about the moment and not the future, and wasn't thinking straight.

I don't know how valid this is in your case. Same age, same instance, we had a very close relationship, and slowly out of no where, she started distancing herself.

She's got a boyfriend, and I've got a new girlfriend. She's unhappy, and I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

Also too, you guys are in your very early 20's and I can personally say that alot of people start to change or feel the need for change around then. If she really does think she needs to get out and experience life, then leaving her alone and letting her realize what she's loosing is almost guaranteed to bring her back, BUT if she is having depression problems then you don't want to just abandoned her.

Either way, its a tough situation, just try to do the good and right thing to do.