I'm so confused and don't know what to do

Hi. The history: My partner and I have been together 8 years. We live together in a lovely house, have no children (our choice), just a beautiful dog, I am divorced (relationship broke down as we married too young) I am 29, he is 34. We work at the same place (although never see each other at work), earn a good wage, we enjoy the same things and basically have a lot in common. We are close and have no secrets and do have a good laugh together. The problem: He has been violent to me in the past, mostly when he has been drinking, its my choice to put up with this. I am scared of him and do walk on egg shells when he has had a drink. Just recently he has been going out drinking and not coming home til the next day, says he has stayed at a mates house. He has been going out a lot drinking over the last week or so. So I decide to go out and he encourages me to go out, so say I go out for 1 hour, he has to go out for 2 hours, etc etc. So today I wait for him to bring the car home so I can go to work.....what happens? He doesn't show. I have to ride my motorbike which I hate doing when its wet. So after a couple of hours at work I decide to take the bike home and swap it with the car (before it rains too much) So I ride past the pub and my car is there, so I go in to tell him I need the car, he looks at me like a piece of crap, tells me to take the f*****g car ( which I cant do as I have the bike) basically looks and speaks to me like crap. Basically this is the icing on the cake to a real crap weekend. My problem although I hate his guts at the moment, deep down I do love him despite all the grief. I think I could leave him tomorrow but I couldn't bear to see him with someone else. We live in a small town and gossip spreads like wild fire. I just want to be loved and shown some respect, is that too much too ask? Please help.........x

bikergirl,

You deserve what you think you are worth. You made a choice to put up with "this", then you must face the consequences that follows them. If you is abusive in the past from drinking, the more this problem progress, it will eventually get worst. You are afraid of him and that does sound like a good relationship. Yes, you do love him and have great laughs together, but does that mean you should settle for his disrespect by the way he talks to you "take the f*****g car". I don't if you have tried sitting down and talking with him. If you are not feeling comfortable due to his unpredictable reaction when you do confront him, I suggest you seek a relationship counselor. I know it is tough since your live in a small town where words spreads fast. But what would you sacrifice, putting up with the fear while keeping the town quiet or seeking help and everyone knows. You deserve the love and treatment that you give to him.

I wish the best of luck.

P.S. be careful, don't let him find out you have been seeking help online. He may not like it. Just be careful ok.

Thanks LuckyDuck. We have sat down loads of times and talked after things have kicked off, he says he loves me, won't do it again, blah blah blah. Last time I told him to leave so we could have time out, he begged to come back, I said yes when you have seeked counselling, I missed him, had him back, did he go counselling? No, we just plodded on as normal.

I just don't want to throw it all away, but deep down, I don't know if its him or just the comfortable lifestyle we live, am I scared of change or being alone, I just don't know.

Thanks again.

Ps, I'm at work so he won't know about this site.

bikergirl,

I have never been with someone for that long so I would know what it takes to loose all you have spent your life with. Just remember that the lifestyle you planned to live with him was much different from what is happening now. You are right, sometimes we are so much more comfortable with the situations at hang (at least we know how bad it is) rather than facing the unknown (even a possible better life). Since we don't see it, we end up settling for the present. I know the situations ahead will be tough. If you love him, keep trying to find a way because when you do find a solution and bring him back to reality, he will see that you stuck by him and will appreciate you even more.

I too am going through a tough time with my ex whom broke up with me a month ago to go back with her ex. I have decided to leave her alone but it is hard to forget. Even though our problems are different, our feelings for our loved ones are similar. You are not alone.

Good luck