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Thread: Is it possible to stay friends?

  1. #1
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    Is it possible to stay friends?

    Condenced version of my story.
    Mutual split with g/f.
    Realised still loved her and was my world, but she quickly found a new fun relationship where money (she has none and is in debt) is not yet a concern.
    No way back but would like to be friends as we got on so well.
    Had to be in virtually empty pub the other night with them both....cryed all night.

    Last night I went down to the pub and Claire was there. We sat and chatted very freely and easily (as always) about this and that. Then new bloke came in and I decided it prudent to leave them to it. I was surprisingly cool about it! He doesnt like her talking to me (although she told me he would have to get over it!), she doesnt want to hurt me (beacuse she still loves me), and I dont like to see them together (obviously, but it was nice to see her looking so happy and well).

    When I got home I was surprised to receive and TXT from her (first time since the split). It basically said. Sorry to cut the conversation short. Was good to see me and be able to talk. I replied and said it was good to see her too. I always felt we had a special bond right from our first meeting and it would be a shame to loose it completely and that if she was free one night that maybe we could go out and chat again. I told her that I did still care for her very much and to take care.

    Surprise surprise, she replied. She said that would be nice, and we should do it sometime and chat with no-one watching. She would TXT soon.

    Now Im no fool. Im not reading anything into this. She has gone. But is it possible for us to stay close friends or is it a bad idea for everyone concerned?

  2. #2
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    Whatever about everyone concerned! Where you are concerned, is it a bad idea for you?

    Can you really handle seeing her with the new boyfriend. If you are good friends with her, can you handel listening to her crying about something bad he may have done, can you handel not acting like her boyfriend again?

    It sounds like her boyfriend will not be able to - but thats partly his problem. In saying that, you may cause her problems by being in his face, so there are many considerations here. How long is it since you split, and how long is she with the new guy?


    "She said that would be nice, and we should do it sometime and chat with no-one watching. She would TXT soon. "

    Is that her way of saying that she would love to meet you and chat, but her boyfriend must not find out about it? Sounds like it to me.

    Once you can handle it, I'd say meet up with her as friends and stay involved in her life. Don't get her into trouble, and remember there are obviously flames still there between you by the sounds of it (ur cryin and her txts). Question is, are you really trying to use this as a way of gettin gback with her??

    Good Luck,

    Al.

  3. #3
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    Not trying to get back...been there done that and lost.
    Her txts are the first since the split 2 months ago and she started seeing new guy a week later.
    There are only flames on my part but Im learning to supress them.
    Im not sure its her new bloke she dont want to see (although thats fairly obviously important) but it might be others in the pub as we are both locals and are well known.

    The reason we split was I was concerend about her money situation. She earns nothing and spends loads and has a load of debt. I wanted to settle down with her and to do this we needed to sort it out. The more I tried, the more she resisted, the harder I tried....etc. This made us BOTH miserable. Ironically, now the pressures off from me shes got even worse, WAY more in debt than before as she goes out and has a wicked time! I worry for her, I really do. But you cant help someone who wont be helped!

  4. #4
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    If the flames are on your part, then you stand to hurt yourself. I'd be very careful, though it sounds like the sort of place that you can't really do a lot of avoiding.

    Money can put a massive strain on relationships - I had one myself in Germany where we lived on the breadline - and it brought out the worse in both of us.

    You seem sure that you do not get back together. That leaves no problems from your side in being friends, as you are not looking for more than is available. The problem will be everyone except the two of you. She obviously has a problem with what certain people think.

    The solution is to find out where you stand from her. As her what the playing rules are to be and stick by them. Just make sure you don't hurt yourself in the process.

    Good luck,

    Al.

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  6. #5
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    Already been well hurt by the whole thing. Dont think I can be more hurt!
    Second best to the local drunk who sleeps around because he doesnt care about her future!

    Ah well
    C'est la vie

  7. #6
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    OK - I think you need to stay away from the whole thing and recover yourself.

    After a split up, the g/f & b/f unit become two individuals. You must think of yourself, and yove answered that.

    Get over her, and let her sort her own life out - you make sure that you sort yours. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Don't stress too much about it.

    Remember, she has been contacting you & you need to decide what to do in that situation in the future. If you decide to stop the relationship, then you need to let her know that you don't want contact from her for a while to get your head together. There no point on getting down the road to recovery and getting a call from her ruining your recovery progress.

    Best of luck, and remember after 2 months, you are well on your way to recovery. Time is the best of all healers.

    Al.

  8. #7
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    Thanks mate. I have to say tho she hasnt been the one doing the contacting (until last night). I did write her a letter a month ago to say that I couldnt speak to her until I was over her. Rather annoyingly she phoned 4 days later to say she got the letter. Which seemed to miss the point somewhat!

    Again 1 phone call and 2 txts is all she has sent me in 2 months so shes clearly over me huh!

  9. #8
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    It sounds to me like she is trying to keep in contact with you. You are going to have to make the decision to see or not to see her. You seem to have decided that already though in your letter, and I thinkg you should stick to that. Maybe write one more letter, and recommend she doesn't contact you to let you know she got your letter about having no more contact for a while

    You have your decision made I think - stick to your guns and get your head together - you'll be fine!!

    Al.

  10. #9
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    I would treat her more as an acquaintance then a friend to start. It's easier that way i've found. And judging by the fact her current bf always seems to be around when you are near her spells out trouble you don't need to deal with.

  11. #10
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    Al

    Charmed!!

    You are making some excellent points!! Keep up the good work!!

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