Separation due to stress. Please help me

Hi, my name is Gareth, im having a big problem with my girlfriend at the moment which I would really appreciate if you could help me out with. Actually I typed a LONG letter in this box explaining everything then hit escape and lost most of it. Damn. So ill explain my problem a bit shorter this time.

Making this as short as possible, I am 22 she is 24, I met her four years ago and I love her to bits, she is my soulmate I believe, and she definitely feels exactly the same about me.

But in the four years she used to get ill alot, I would work long hours and she would do her uni work, not giving us much time together. At first it was great between us but then it went downhill slowly. I would get moody alot and she would resent me for this and she would get ill and I would resent her for that and it went on and on. I used to be deliberately nasty to her and uncaring, gave her the silent treatment often and even pretended to leave her just to hurt her.I would also be off over the phone sometimes when she called or sent hurtful text messages if I was in a `mood` BUT after being moody or whatever I would snap out of it and be loving and apologetic. I knew I had a problem and I thought I could control it. I believe it was because I used to work long hours as a porter in a hot kitchen which was always run badly, low staffed and long hours. I used to hate the place and I used to leave work angry, stressed and tired.

Then I would have to drive over to her to pick her up take her usually back to my place which used to stress me out (damn drivers!) When I used to pick her up straight from work I would be annoyed (stressed) badly and take it out on her (NEVER VIOLENCE EVER) just usually going quiet or being `off` with her. I sometimes was initially happy to see her then on noticing her being `off` with me I would then get angry and be `off` with her worse. But then I would snap out of it. Sometimes she would do or say something to annoy me and I would just switch over being nice to being angry and distant and then again later on snap out of it. She would begin to resent me more and more for this.

Everytime I was moody I would feel a lot of pressure in my head, I believe this was stress which at 22 I never thought I would be subject to.

So their was that on top of her being ill all the time. I would not see her when she was ill very often and just slipped into a rut of not being there for her and generally being offish, even though she ment everything to me and I to her. Dont get me wrong we loved each other like crazy, but only when I was happy and rested and her not ill or tired. Do you see?

It was a two sided relationship, beautiful and loving on oneside and dark and resentful on the other. In this last year of us being together I have done the stupidest things in my life which I regret more than anything.....

- I never went to see her when she was ill

- I didnt see her on her birthday

- i didnt see her enough

- I would shoosh her or tell her off

- I would get stressed and take it out on her

- On our days off I would not want to do much

- Feeling tired all the time and not wanting to do anything with her

- On a bike ride together I told her to hurry up all the time and raced on ahead of her making her cry ( felt head pressure then)

Do you see that most of the things I do are stress related and I firmly believe its because of my long hours working, my driving and genetic disspostion to be moody (its in the family). But sometimes I would just switch from being nice to nasty by her saying something slightly negative.

But I would always feel strong pressure in my head, sometimes before her even setting me off. Sometimes I could ride it out by being silent or sometimes I would just get angry.

Anyway the final straw was last Friday. We were at my house alone together and we were fine and loving to each other all evening. I picked her up from work no probs and we had a meal. But I had to write something out on the computer ( a time sheet) and I asked for her help because I couldnt draw a line, when she said `i cant do that` I said `well after 3 years at uni youd think you could draw a line, good luck in a job` OH MY GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT to this day ill never know but I switched over into moodyness and argued for 20 minutes with her. she tried to sort it out but I would not listen, she tried to hug me but I pushed her away it was ALL MY FAULT i was completely mad and unreasonable, she got her coat and called a taxi, i said `good!` and she said `im going now`, looked at me longingly upset and that was the last time I saw her

to this day (im crying now as im typing this). THIS IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE AND I CANT EXPLAIN IT.

I had to work the following two days and she became ill again, I phoned her to say sorry but she was very off with me. Then on Monday it was both our days off (supposed to pick her up to go out together in the morning) but I could not face her so I rang her up and said I was busy early and didnt say i love you and hung up(we always say it to each other ALWAYS). WHY DID I DO THIS I HATE MYSELF. I then tried ringing her all day she would not answer till tuesday morning and she said to me the most hurtful things ive ever heard including the moodyness, the bike ride, me not seeing her on her birthday, ME NOT BEING THERE FOR HER, and every little thing ive ever done wrong by her in detail but the thing that hurt me most was she said that she was SCARED of me.She shouted and shouted this and i was distraught, there was nothing I could do she said IT WAS OVER, she kept saying it over and over.

At first I was shocked and angry but then I slowly realised it was all true. I admit that everything she said that day over the phone (for an hour) was TRUE. And it all stems back to my inability to control my anger or feelings. I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HER AND I FEAR THAT I HAVE LOST HER FOREVER. She is the only person I ever want to be with and I cant live without her, she is my best friend. I can barely type now crying for remembering her face that night I last saw her.

Now she wont talk to me call me or even see me when I come over she just ignores me and I dont blame her because now I realise what a bastard I had become. I would like to say to everybody that you dont know what youve got till its gone and ive realised many things about myself which i hate. She is the most precious thing to me and I know that she loved me the same but she couldnt put up with me.

I AM LOST WITHOUT HER I FEEL SICK EVERYDAY MISSING HER AND THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I DID WRONG, WHY DID I NEVER SEE HER WHEN SHE WAS ILL GOD HELP ME.

It has only been a few days but I fear this is the end i dont know what to do can someone please help me.

I have since been learning stress and anger management bit by bit off the net and trying to understand. I do less hours now and I try to relax after work. I gave up my car and I cycle to work everyday and I WILL CHANGE NOT JUST FOR HER BUT FOR MYSELF.I have sold most of the expensive bits off my computer and will sell all the other crap which i wasted my money on over the years to save for our own place if we get back together. I feel 200% better already and I no longer feel pressured because I can control My head is clear and im thinking straight, but I think its too little too late for us. I know in my heart I am a good person and have funily enough never been angry with anyone else (maybe because shes so close to me) I always try my best and I love life with a passion, i love walking and cycling and music and always enjoy being with people, life is great but WITHOUT HER LIFE MEANS NOTHING TO ME. Our life together when we were happy was the best you can ever hope for. Can someone please help me in any way possible I would be very grateful.

Please dont think bad of me I just never dealt with my problem early enough I know this now. I have never been more determined in my life to make things right its the only thing that keeps me going.

Gareth

PS I sent her a letter explaining all this I hope that was not a mistake.

Wow, first I have got to congratulate you on trying to fix the wrong in your life. You know that you have made some mistakes and now you are heading in the right direction. If you ever want to have a relationship with her again, this is the way to do it. I'm very happy to hear that you are trying to learn about your problem. Even though I think the internet might help, I truly think that you might need some counseling...hearing that others are going through the same thing that you are will help tremendously....And another word of advice is to make sure that you are completely 100% better before you try to have a relationship with this women again, because if you have another one of your fits...she will probably leave you again. But I think that things will happen for you again..if you explained to her in that letter that you are trying to get help she will realize that you really do lover her and are trying to get better for the both of you. I wish you the best of luck and am happy that you are trying to get your life back in order!!

Thankyou so much Bamber. You give me hope thankyou.

Not a problem, Gaz....I think you give everyone else hope that they can change the wrongs in their life. Things will soon go way uphill for you and it will be because of things that you did...no one else...all we can do is support you and help you along the way!! Good luck with everything...I hope you get what you want in the end!

I forgot to say I really hope things work out for you too. We support each other! Thanks

Thank you so much...I need as much support as anyone else that posts here. It's true that you don't realize the wrong in your life until it's too late. I'm trying to get my boyfriend back for some things I didn't think badly of until I lost him. So I am in the process of correcting my mistakes too. So if you ever need help or just to talk....you know where to find me!! Thanks for the support!

You sound like a good guy---and I think it takes a lot to admit your weakness and want to work on it. Most people don't acknowledge their weaknesses or care enough to want to do anything about it. You have a conscience at least!

I read your post and boy, can I relate!

My boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago basically because I snapped at him. Granted, some of the things he did were kinda irritating or made me insecure. But, I was beginning to fly off the hook and then apologize afterwards quite often. Sometimes I would wonder afterwards why I acted the way I did. And like you, I think it was a lot of stress---I had a stressful job, and at the same time I was planning on moving cross-country to be with him permanently. Also I was insecure about a lot of things in our relationship. No exscuse I know, but I wished he would've understood this too. His response was to cut me off everytime I did it and not talk to me for days.

The last time I snapped at him (about money that he owed me and wasn't paying), I called to apologize but he said if he allowed it to continue it would happen again and again. Then he cut it off cold turkey with me--it's been two months since I talked to him. Maybe it was for the best since I need to come to terms with why I snapped all the time. Unfortunately he wasn't willing to at least be my friend while I was working through this. And I'm depressed, but I made it a point to work on this problem---even if he decides not to come back in my life. Like you, I wrote a letter explaining all of this, but I heard no response. I feel a lot of guilt everyday, but I can't undue my mistakes. I can only own up to my mistakes, and work on myself to be a better person.

I think there's another issue here too----I don't think what you did was sooo seriously wrong. Bad moods and fights happen and a good loving partner will work with you through this no matter what (unless of course there's physically or intense verbal abuse---which doesn't sound like anything you did). It doesn't sound like she wanted to deal with the stress of a relationship---she'll find out that no relationship is free from fights or bad moods.

Wow!! This is exactly why my boyfriend broke up with me. I snapped too many times. I felt like he didn't love me and I would snap at him because of it. In all reality he did love me very much, but I was pushing him away with all my bitterness. In a way I'm glad that he broke up with me because it made me realize how I need to act in certain situations and not get mad at little things. If I ever want to get him back, I need to show him that I've changed...just like you need to. I'm going over to his house tomorrow to talk to him....(the last time we talked it wasn't so great because I was very emotional and hurt...I gave him back everything he's given to me...including a necklace that meant the world to me) well I am going to get the necklace back and just to have a calm conversation about things...because we have yet to have one of those since the breakup...I always ended up hysterical and it never would turn out good. So wish me luck tomorrow!! I don't know if I really need it, because I feel good about going over there...I think it really is going to help things!! It's awesome just to know that there are other people out there that are going through the same situation as I am!! Thanks for all the support!!