Dont know how to tell her...

Me and my girlfriend have lived together for about a year. I am now 27 and she is 24. I have known her for about 2 years total. Back then I was working in the west coast and she was still in school in the midwest. After she graduated she moved to west coast and moved in with me. Previously I had second thoughts regarding living together but she didn't have a job and no place to go really (her family is not in this country) so she wanted to move in. At that time I had mixed feelings for her. I loved her but then I wasn't sure if she is the one or am I going to marry her. However, she was more certain of me I think.

Now it has been a year and we've had had our share of arguments but nothing major. I think it is so because I am generally non-confrontational and I can't get mad at her for too long. She on the other had is very stubborn type. I enjoy the times we spent together and all that. During the last year, I have pretty much paid for all her expenses including her cellphone, previous credit card debts and some of her student loans. Also recently I helped her get a car and have been making monthly payments on it. I make decent income which allows me to make this possible. SHe is grateful to me for having done all that.

She has even asked me about marraige many times especially the last several months. She has a strong desire to get married with me but I know deep down that I am not sure about it yet. In fact thesedays it is clear to me that I am not really happy in this relationship. She is a nice person to be with but I dont think she is the one I really want to spend the rest of my life with. However, I am having a really hard time trying to convey this to her. The thing that makes it difficult is that she is really attached to me. She only has her mom as a real family but with who she has a very bad relationship. I think it is mainly her mom's fault. She tells me sometimes that she never wants to talk to her again and cries after getting off the phone with her mom. SHe also has a very low self-esteem but I always try to make her feel better. She has told me that I am the closest family to her in this world and that she would be devastated if I left her. That is a really big thing for me to bear. I know that I don't want to hurt her too much but at the same time if I dont tell her about my feelings now, it might be worse later. I have broken up with her once in the past and she always tells me that she is insecure because of that and sometimes she has nightmares that I'll break up with her again. She is a very sensitive and emotional person and gets hurt easily.

I just need some advice on what is the best way tell her and how can I still remain friends with her after all that. I am even willing to give her some financial support after the breakup. I think it is mainly my fault for getting her this far without being so sure, but what do I do now?

Don't break up with her!!! Try doing things to make the relationship better, try everything! Then if nothing works I guess you'll have to break up with her.

Hello dan1304

I think you should just tell her you need time apart, put her in a hotel for now so that you can work out your feelings. I personally wouldn't be with someone in which I don't think there's much of a future with......you need to be happy too ya know? You said you'd still be able to financially support her, so tell her that. I think honesty is what's best for the both of you even though it may hurt. I wish you the best of luck 8) .

Easy said then done Fox...

I mean have you looked at it from her point of view? She has no one.. Try and work things out. What makes her "not the one"?

See if there are any other options first, or you might regret it.

-Boblong

I think that this is just a feeling that everyone goes through when you just "dont know" what to do or feel when the relationship gets serious. I personally have some times when I look at my relationship and ask myself .."is this right for me?" and by the end of the day it seems clear. I can see you guys are really in love. Yet, you are still confused about everything maybe even scared about real commitment. So, just take like 2-3 days of time apart and on that 4th day you'll know if you want her back or not. good luck!!

Give it a try.... that would be the best bet

No doubt that you have been unhappy, but i am sure you had your fair share of happy times as well, why keep looking at the bad times?

And another thing. what are you looking for in a girl that you would say 'she's the one' ? Technically, how do you look for someone like that? I am a person that believes in working things out especially when the relationship has progressed this far. Do think about things carefully and try to think of a win-win situation. You could probably tell her how you feel as honesty in the relationship is very important and many people neglect it. Miscommunication.

She probably thinks that you are happy in the relationship as you have never told her. You should probably have a serious talk with her, lay out what you are unhappy about, and try to come to a compromise. And please, don't tell her that you think 'she's not the one'.

All the best!!

~~~chocos

Why are you financially supporting her? Why doesn't she make any money for herself, at least to help out. Me and my man just broke up after being togehter three years. He was like you he wasn't happy. He cares for me a lot and I love him with all my heart so we are still going to be friends we mean to much to each other to not be a part of each others lives but we or he wasn't happy and the important thing is you both have to be happy. I think that you should have a serious talk to her about what you both want remembering that you need to be happy too. I suspect that a main reason your not happy is because you are responsible for her financially and emotionally. Her mother and her should work things out eventually. All teenagers from 17- 21 have fights with their mothers and feel like they hate them. Some are worse but she should have friends to turn to as well. If you want to leave after your talk or you want a break do it. It will hurt her more the longer you leave it and you will feel guilty. I promise you now that she will cry and she will feel hurt and rejected and promise to change. I think that you could also be helping her gain some independnce too. If you leave remember to still be there for her cause she will need to you but remember be there for her as a friend, Tell her its for the best for both of you and reassure her it will be alright. It comes down to following your heart and if its being pulled in tow directions think of the reasons why