Not sure I'm the one after 4 years ? Need Advice from men?

Hi all,

Well it is my first time ever doing this but I am really confussed and in need of some advice.

My BF of 4 years living togehre for 1 decided onm Sunday he no longer wnat the realtionship because he is not sure I am the one. WE were very happy never fought got along great, had great chemistry etc.. and he agrees and said he was happy and that he loves me but is not sure we are ment to spend our lives together?

I am so confussed beacsue he was always the one wanting more and just two weeks ago he said he wanted to be with me for life ? No this ? I just don't get it... I asked him if he was lying all along about wanting to be with me and he said no that he meant everything he said but he is not sure ? How can someone be sure for 4 years and then not the next week ?

He said that it has nothing to de with me that I am great and that it has everything to do with him ? So confussed ? Does anyone have any insight at all as to what is going on......he said he is trying to be honest with me but he just doesn't know right now and the only he does know is for the past week something hasn't felt right ? That he has a gut feeling ?

How does someone change so quickly ? How does he tell me he lpoves me and never lied about spending our lives together but then not want what you said you wanted all along ?

He keeps saying if it is meant to be it will be ? I can't leave it up to faith and not sure what to do ?

Hello 2Clueless

let me tell you a story, me and my ex girlfriend were together 4 years, we never had any arguments and got along very very good, she was also the one that just a few weeks before breaking up with me told me she couldnt wait to marry me and wanted to have a child with me, then I got the, "I dont feel the same with you, but still love you your a wonderful man speech"

Sound familiar?, I am sure the reasons my girl broke up with me is a bit different than why your guy broke up with you, but i have noticed that when things start getting "real serious" and start talking marriage and commitment even if it is them that brings it up, this can stir up some old fears they may have.

My best advice, and please dont make the same mistakes i did, dont pressure him! dont make him feel guilty for breaking up with you, give him his space, lets him find out for himself what he is doing wrong. If you contact him a lot and pressure him you will push him further away!! believe me!

Your going to go through a really tough period, I almost killed myself over my breakup, I had never been so in love with a woman and trusted someone so much as I did her. and although you will hear this a thousand times from friends and family ill say it again, you CAN find someone else, life goes on, you can feel love again, when one door closes, another opens eventually.

Although every once in awhile I get a bout of depression when I think back to what happened to me, that incident has changed my direction and outlook in life, I now plan on moving to California, change jobs, find a new love and have a family. I am finally looking towards the future after months of healing myself over my ordeal.

If you hang back and give your B/F some space, he may come back around, remember HE is the one that has a problem, and this breakup has nothing to do with you or something you did ok!? so dont go blaming yourself or have all these thoughts of whether you did this or that differently.

please write me on how your doing with this, your sistuation is something I can very well relate to, as its almost my story!

My bf of 3 years pulled that on me. He told me he wanted to grow old with me and 1 month later he said he isn't in love with me anymore. He said he doesn't know if I'm the one. He also said that it wasn't me it was him. I found out he was talking to his ex girlfriend again so I broke up with him. There is something behind his decision. It might not be another girl but something or someone has made him change his mind about your relationship. I would tell him you love him and that you will agree with him and give him his space. Tell him to move out or you move out, but still be friends and be nice. I told my boyfriend to leave but we still did things with eachother every weekend. We are back together after four months of being apart and he wants to move in with me again. I am so confused because what if he does this to me again. I decided since I love him so much that I was going to risk getting hurt again so we will be moving back in together this summer. I feel for you because I know what your going through. I have been there. I started to think it was my weight or my looks or maybe I wasn't satisfing him but it was him. He was being selfish and wanted to see how easy it would be to get out of our relationship. Little did he know I made it real easy. But, I am still scared he will change his mind, it's a risk I have chosen to take.

Hope it helped to know that you aren't alone.

Thanks so much for your replys I am sorry that both of you also have had to go through this as well.

I guess I will just have to let him be, it's hard thought because my problem is that I stew, like I should have an answer. I keep running through what went wrong, and I guess that hardest thing to believe is that nothing went wrong as he tells me. He just need space !!

I guess my thinking is Happy people don't need space, they know what they want.

I guess it is just hard to let go when you feel like you have no answers !!

Thanks again!!

After reading your message I decided I had to relate my feelings with all of you as well...because I am in the exact same situation, and I take comfort that I am not the only one going through this...

I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. On February 20th of this year he proposed in our favorite restaurant in a monkey suit. I was in total shock, he even brought my parents out to dinner to ask for permission saying I was the one, that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

I can describe our engagement like this - he put the ring on my finger and he ran. He started being so mean to me, not wanting to hang out with me, going out with the boys every Saturday night, insulting. He was surely not the same person I had fallen in love with. On Saturday I told him we need to take a couple weeks away from eachother so he could figure out what was wrong...4 days later we met up and he told me it was over. Just like that. He said he didn't 'love me that way', that he thought by proposing it might bring back the spark but it didn't and now we need to break up. He said it hadn't been there for years...Why would you stay with someone that long if there was nothing. He said he was comfortable with me that's why, and that we were best friends but couldn't be husband and wife.

We haven't spoken since, and everyone tells me he's been crying everyday. They tell me he feels relieved that he finally told me the truth, that he doesn't want to be with me but he's sad he lost his best friend.

I'm having such a hard time not calling or emailing. Which I haven't but I'm left so confused and don't understand why he would put me through so much pain. I feel numb, I can't concentrate at work and am not sleeping right.

How do I get over this, without losing all hope in love. I feel like such a fool.

I too broke up with my GF after about 4 years, actually it was a couple days before out anniversary. She wanted to get married and even though I loved her and knew she would be a wonderful mother, something wasn't right. Sure we didn't agree on politics and certain religious issues, but I thought the things we had in common would out weigh the little we didn't have in common. Well we got back together a month later and month later from that we broke up again because I felt suffocated. She hates me for wasting her time. I still love her and will always love her but I wasn't ready for marriage and there is just nothing you can do about it. "If you don't know after 4 years," she would say, "your never going to know." The thing is there was so much happiness, but in the end we were not meant to be. I will always cherish the time we spent together and would lay down my life for her or be where she needs me in a second...but as I said, it wasn't meant to be.

The heart at the beginning is filled with loss and emptiness. There is no getting around this. What I do recommend is writing down everything you feel on paper - use a word document on my computer. I call it deep thoughts and when I am crying over what might have been or feeling that I did the right thing, I write it all down. This is extremely helpful because I find myself writing everything I feel which is the pain and the realization that it wasn't meant to be. This is especially important when I am feeling bad because I look back and it reaffirms the reason for my decision. I hope this helps.

I know you won't be able to understand this, but you will get over them and find someone else. Just be lucky for the fact that you were happy for the last 4 years and got to spend it with someone because some people aren't that lucky. If you believe life is a adventure and not a destination, and that life is about experiences on the long but in reality short road of life, then smile. If you need any further help, don't hesitate to contact me. It's been about 3 weeks since our last and probably final break up.

Take care,

Kinatra

Well Boy do I knwo how you feel as well Cynthia!!

Everyone keeps telling me in including him that he has been crying every night !! He did say once to me that maybe it was relief as well !!

But it still doesn't make sense becasuse he keeps telling me that he does love me, and is still in love with me and that we were great but he is just not sure we are ment to be together.

He is previously divorced (31) and I am 27 and we actually started dating after his seperation and alot of people think that may have something to do with it !! A fear of a previously failed marriage ? Who knows I wish I knew but something doesn't make sense ?

But I guess all our cases really don't make sense ? I just wish I knew beacuse he keeps telling me that I was great and everything was great but he is just not sure if that is all it takes to make a marriage work or if i am the one ?

AnywayI guess he has to figure it out on his own and be on his own right now, so all I can do is exactly that !!!!

Hey well I am 28....it gives me a little solace to know that I am not the only one beginning again. But it's for the best right? Better to breakdown now than after 4 years of marriage with 4 kids and a mortgage, right? The thing is you really have to take care of yourself right now. I hear this great piece of advice that someone was giving a kid who was trying to get a date with this girl, they said, "act like you want them, not need them." I know it doesn't entirely relate, but the main point is that you can be optimistic that it may get back together but you need to start taking care of you. You cannot wait in limbo...you need to move on with your life as much as that sucks to hear. As one of the previous people said, one door has closed but many have know become open to you. In other words, say you always wanted to teach english in a spanish-speaking country and your boyfriend wasn't into it and you were probably never going to have the chance again to do it after getting married.....well, now you can. Try to embrace life and try different things....

Well I saw with my own eyes what kind of guy I was with all these years....He was on a date with a girl already last night.

We broke up last Thursday, met a girl on Saturday (so he says) and was on a date with her last night and she went home with him...

He's obviously not suffering as much as I am...I'm so upset since here I am crying at home alone, and he's already seeing another girl and going out with the boys everynight. He was sure quick to move on.

When we broke up he mentioned that he hadn't been a happy for the last year, that he didn't feel a spark between us and thought that by proposing would start a spark again! What was he thinking. He obviously didn't think of the consequences if it didn't create a spark.

There are not many things I'm sure about in life (self-esteem, career, just life in general) but I was always sure we loved eachother so much that we would be spending our whole lives together. How could I have been such a fool because that's what I feel like right now...The worse feeling in the world is when you love one so fully and completely and they don't love you back.

When I saw them together last night it absolutely killed me, everytime I think I'm moving a step forward in dealing with this situation I take 5 steps back. I just wish the pain would go away...

Thanks for all your advice. I've never done this type of thing but the advice that you give brings a different perspective especially since you've gone through the same thing!

> Cynthia

Your ex boyfriend getting a girl right away doesnt mean it was easy getting over you, this is how most guys deal with a breakup, its a rebound relationship, it relieves the pain temporarily but is a big mistake.

No matter who breaks up the relationship and for what reason, a healing period is needed, some people will be tempted to get a replacement partner right away so as to fill the void of companionship and sex, also to build ego, sounds attractive. but by not allowing their heart to heal, they will not be able to give themselves fully to a new relationship.

best advice i can give you is to avoid your Ex as much as possible, dont go to places you know he frequents, dont call, dont send or answer e-mails etc. give youself time alone, cry if need be, go through the process of healing completely, eventually youll forgive your ex, and it wont hurt anymore, and then love can come into your life and youll be able to return that love with ALL your heart.

My breakup has completely changed my life, because I made those changes, I am going to move 4000 miles away, start a new business a new life, I am taking care of my self now, and have found support through my family. I have set goals for myself, to get a new job/business and to eventually have a home and family of my own when I find the right girl that I can give all my love and affection to. this is coming from a man that was contemplating suicide at one point. If i could get past the pain so can anyone.

Well I think I finally found the missing piece.....I went away for a corporate retreat for a weekend he was happy at 5 on Saturday and couldn't wait to talk to me etc.. leaving me voice mails and by the time I got back on Sunday at 12:00 he had changed.

I remember now asking him if he had done drugs or something becasue he was so out of it and just acting weird. He said no, just tired from partying late with the boys and I never thought anything of it....Well as you have probably guessed I think he cheated .... after that night he acted weird all week and didn't want to be intimate

Now I am just assuming this but it does make sense - I didn't call him to ask him if this was true becasue I am trying to stay away but it is the only thing that makes sense, because people do not change their minds that quickly about love...especially after 4 years ..I had asked if his feeling changed for a while and he said no....so something happened to change him on Saturday night.....it does make sense why he would want to end things so quickly and not want to see me ....also he hasn't given me a reason except as I said before that he needs to be alone.

Would this be normal behoviour for someone who cheats ?

He probably can't live with himself now and it would make sense why he wants to be alone to figure everything out ??

How do men who cheat normaly act if something like this happens ?

2clueless,

Why are you doing this to yourself? Does it matter now? Is finding out he cheated going to make things different? Do you think he would tell you if you did ask him? Would you forgive him? Do you think that if he told you and you forgave him that you would be back together again? All I can see is you getting angry and hurt. You have to let him go....try to remember the good times and move on...

I feel empty like you from my recent break up...I am not happy and I am lonely but you cannot continue the reasons why the relationship broke down. I think it can be good in some respects in terms of knowing the kind of person you will be happy with (values, shared interests, things in common, shared view of the future, etc.), but bringing back the past is not going to make things better, do you?

Here if you need me,

Kinatra

Well, i can understand how you feel and my heart completely goes out.

This happens usually when there is no closure in the break up.

Questions after questions will keep spilling out of our heads.

Did he actually love me in the first place?

Did he just make empty promises to me?

What did i do that made him give up on me?

Why did such a thing happen?

If i didn't do this, would it still have happened?

Why is it so unfair to love someone so much and yet get treated this way?

Who is this new gal?

Why have you moved on with a blink of the eye?

Were you cheating on me right from the start?

even when these are answered, new ones get formed. I understand.

i'm not too sure if this advice is going to help, but what a trusted friend was to tell me was to just ask whatever questions i wanted. Because you wouldn't be wanting to be like 10 years down the road and thinking to yourself that, if you had asked him those questions, would it have helped much.

But then again, this is pretty objective. For me, i took my friend's opinion and confronted him. Not aggressively, but passively. Stay strong and didn't shed a tear.

Hope it helps Cheers and stay strong okies?

Cynthia,

Your story sounds very similar to mine. My ex-fiance proposed to me in April -- and completely surprised me by flying up both our families up to have dinner together at a really nice restaurant that night.

A month and a half later, a couple of days before my law school finals, he tells me that our "values" are too different, and although he loves me, we will not be happy in the future together because we have "fundamental differences" that we could never reconcile. Why he didnt see these "differences" before he proposed is beyond me, but all in all -- it was just a cop - out. A week later, as im in tears -- puking --sleeping-- and in depression, missing him like crazy, my firend calls me and says he has his profile plastered all over singles sites on the net.

I dont know what went on in his mind -- he is 35, and I'm 23 -- and I too feel like a fool that I could have never seen this coming - I always looked at him as the more mature one. I never expected it from him --and I wouldve trusted him with my life. I thought we were going to be together forever, and be a team forever. That's what hurts the most -- trusting and believing in someone with all of your heart only to realize it was a lie in the end.

But take heart --it couldve been worse -- you saved yourself a divorce -- you deserve better, we all do -- and god willing, we'll find our happiness soon.