I snooped in his e-mail and found out he's been lying to me.

I'm 32 and I've been in a relationship with a guy (21) for 4 months now. We met in Asia in February while I was on vacation there and I fell helplessly in love with him. A month later I got a visa for him to come to Europe and we have been living together here since then.

He told me that his last relationship was with a guy in Australia named John (while he was studying there); that it was the love of his life; they were totally monogamous and would be together even today, but John died of cancer. Because of that he left Australia and went back to his (very poor) country in Asia to live with his parents.

Since then he was looking for a way to leave his country again and made lots of contacts with foreigners visiting there and was looking for a LTR with someone who could get him out of the country. Then he found me and told me that I am the second love of his life and he wants to be with me forever. When I left his country in February he told me he wouldn't have sex with anyone until he came to live with me in Europe (even though I told him I don't expect him to be a monk until then, but he insisted). I found out (through chatting) that he was still looking for sex partners while we were apart (I actually ran into him in a chatroom) and after a little investigation I found out he actually had sex with one guy and met another with the intention of having sex, but it didn't work out. I had a feeling there were probably more, but I never found any evidence. I confronted him with it (while we were still apart) and he denied it at first and then finally admitted it. He said he was sorry and would never do it again.

From that time I began to wonder if he's a sex addict. I've had a feeling for a while that he wasn't telling me everything he should be. I caught him checking out gay personal ads from our computer at home. He said he was just looking for friends (since he only has 2 here so far and most of my friends don't speak english.) Even though he's said he's never gone cruising in parks or anyplace else, he seemed unusually interested in knowing where there are cruising areas in our city. One day I even took him to one because we were walking in a nearby park. Once when I called him on his cell phone while I was out of town, he told me he was in a metro station, but all I could hear was a light wind blowing and no noises from people, so I had the feeling he was in a park.

Yesterday I decided to snoop in his e-mail. I found an e-mail from a year ago when he was still in Australia and still with John. He was writing with a friend in London and told him that he and John were having problems. He caught John cruising and John admitted having sex with other guys. He also mentioned in the mail that he was in love with another guy as well as John. In a later e-mail he told his friend that he had broken up with John and was living with another guy. The friend wrote him "I was afraid it wouldn't last after you told me on the phone that both you and him had started cruising in parks."

From all of this information I've concluded that he lied to me about:

1) never cheating on John and John never cheating on him

2) the fact that he's never gone cruising

3) and now I wonder if John is really still alive and the cancer story was just to gain sympathy from potential (foreign) suitors interested in a LTR

I even went as far as to download some spyware to record all of his incoming and outgoing mails and possible chats, which I installed on our computer last night.

I don't know what to do now. I am still totally in love with him, but I don't know if I should confront him now about the past lies (of course I'd have to admit snooping in his e-mail) and hope that he'll be honest with me about any chatting and e-mailing he's doing now, or if I should wait until I have possibly more evidence from the spyware and then have to admit that I also used the spyware on him.

Has anyone else spied on a boyfriend like this and how did you confront him with it? And with what reults? The last thing I want is to end the realtionship -- I just want him to be honest with me so I can deal with any infidelities he's had or help him overcome his possible sex addiction (and honesty problem). We have sex at least once a day (sometimes 3 times) so a deficiency of sex at home can't be an excuse. Help please!

Sleepless in Europe

hey sleepless in Europe...

IT sounds to me that he has a huge problem with infidelity, and by me sitting here and telling you that he will change ...will be a lie. B4 i ever married my 1st husband, he usta do the same things...and when some chik started cllin my home tellin me about their relationship, i lost my first baby from stress,...and i was gonna leave him...he told me he was gonna change. We got married, and to make a long story short...he never changed...only got much WORSE!!!...

It takes some ppl many years of heartache and torture, to realize that ppl dont change, and keep hoping for a better relationship, but it never happens...and we wind up spending a good portion of our lives,.. in misery, and all we gain as a ending result is increased knowledge, and the experience of what we dont want in our mate.

I know its panful to go thru this, and spyware will be one more reason for you to leave, but dont be fooled by any other words to come out of his mouth if ur intelligent enough to put one and one together with the evidence and his track record. It really sux when we are in a relationship, and our partner gives us a reason to believe theyre being unfaithful..and even harder to let go sumtimes..but i find it best to let go, b4 i grow any closer, and more in pain.

It takes alot of work to try and fix a broke relationship with a person like this, and even more work building up the courage to leave, when it will be best in our interest. I only pray that wise men and women take the more difficult route knowing that their decision will be in their best interest as leave knowing they deserve only but the BEST.

cookies

sleepless,

are you absolutely sure that its love and not the fact that you just want to be with somebody? it sounds to me that he might have a few problems.and spying on him wont do you any good when you confront him. it will make you look like the ba guy. but i understand why you are doing it.pretty much, i would start looking for someone new, cause its only gonna get worse like cookie said.so, if he keeps it up, no matter how much you think you love him, hes only going to hurt you more and you should pack it up and leave. move on. he might be a lost cause. thats just my advice but i would listen to what my heart is telling me.