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Overriding obsession with uninterested person


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okay. background in brief: I'm a 21 year-old guy living in the UK. I've been pretty much without any focus or direction in my life for about 5 years since I dropped out of school because of anxiety-related illnesses. that time has been spent without any social contact or real ways of occupying myself, so it's an understandable context for this kind of thing to happen in. anyway:

 

nearly 2 years ago I got friendly with a guy I met online and we chatted frequently for a while. I basically became very attached to him - since he was very intelligent, witty, extremely good-looking, confident and self-assured, and basically had a great life which was everything I'd have wanted myself given the chance. anyway, he encouraged my affections by basically being caring and supportive and occasionally flirting until roughly a year ago I agreed to travel to the states to meet him.

 

we spent about 24 hours together, during which time we slept together (literally - no sexual element, as he didn't seem to want to initiate anything and I was just too nervous and inexperienced to try doing so myself), and then he almost literally fled (begged various excuses and went home). I went home too, rather disappointed, but continued to keep in touch with him because I thought we had initialised a relationship and would build on it over time. however, I immediately noticed that he avoided any mention of what had happened or of my rapidly-snowballing emotional feelings towards him. when I tried to talk to him about anything related to that stuff he would brush it off or just give an obviously "uninvolved" response.

 

by this time my fixation on him had totally taken over my life and I had invested my entire heart and soul in him and my hopes for our future. recently, I found I couldn't deal with his evasiveness any longer and demanded a straight answer from him, which he responded to by saying he had no emotional/romantic feelings for me at all, no desire to meet me again, and would only be prepared to carry on a very casual, infrequent online discourse with no reference to any of those things. I also gathered that he was still in love with at least two girls from his past, and regularly slept/had sex with social friends as well as total strangers (all female). obviously, I was thrown into a totally frantic state and eventually he just told me he was sorry, but he couldn't deal with it anymore and I had to stop contacting him.

 

which brings me up to date. I haven't been able to eat, sleep or perform any kind of normal daily routine action - or any action at all really - since he cut off communication nearly a week ago. I can't think about anything else, every time I try to gather any mental faculties my brain just jumps straight back to the loss and pain and jealousy, and I've reached a point where pretty much every second is excruciating. I don't know how I can go on living like this, and I don't know how I could ever find anything which would replace my love/obsession with him.

 

this seems a lot like what's described in this article as obsessive relational progression, with the obvious proviso that the object of my addiction was totally unavailable and uninterested from the start. what can I do? does anyone know what sort of treatment or action can be applied to a condition like mine before I go totally bat crazy? I never thought I could seriously consider suicide, but I'm now having to think that it could be the only way to escape this hell I've made for myself - not only does my life have no meaning or joy, but I've put every fibre of my emotional being into an agonising false hope whose collapse is now just destroying me minute by minute. I feel like I'm living some unimaginable nightmare which will never end. is there anything I can do immediately to at least find a little momentarily stability or relief from the pain? if not, what the hell CAN I do? I don't have any friends or any life or anything else to do. he's the only person I've ever had any degree of personal intimacy with. does anyone out there have any experience with this kind of mess? I'm in a mess with myself, a mess with him, and a mess with the rest of the world ... can I do ANYTHING to fix it??

 

(edit: . sorry if I should have posted this in the specific sex/love addiction forum ... I didn't see it until after I posted)

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I think that the best response is that you need counseling. You had a shock and it has only been a week, so you are still pretty disappointed, which is totally understandable.

 

I think that if you had a job that you enjoyed and felt fulfilled about, even a volunteer position, this all would be a bit easier on you as you would have some social contact.

 

Take care, these dissappointments happen sometimes to all of us, don't blame yourself over what happened. You didn't realize what you were getting into, I think that you learned a valuable lesson!

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I know how you feel. You are not alone. You need to get involved in the community where you live. If you can't work, become a volunteer. Take a class, join a sport or go to a church meeting. You need to surround yourself with people. DO NOT STAY AT HOME. You had low self esteem to begin with and that is why you became so obsessive with him. You will find that if you contribute to your community in some way, you will meet people and you will find fullfillment in that you are helping others and you will meet friends in the process. As a human we are not able to experience more than one emotion at a time. Do not think and dwell on this person. When you find your mind going to him, change your thought process. Think about something that is funny or something that makes you laugh. Put on your favorite CD or movie or take a walk around the block. Exercise is a very good way to relieve some of your stress and it will make you feel better in the proces. Read a book. If you can take a book to a coffe shop and read there and not by yourself. Reading will broaden your mind. And take a class too if you can. By making yourself leave your home and doing things in your community, you will meet people and your life will change for the better. Remember you are not alone!

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