Stay married for the kids or pursue love?

I have been married for over 15 years now and have 4 children (ages 9-14). My wife is a well intentioned, caring, and good person. That may sound like we have a strong healthy marriage, but it is far from it. There is no physical or mental abuse beyond periodic verbal sparing.

The fact of the matter is, I don't love her nor do I feel loved by her. We are at the point that she still goes through some of the motions (my perspective obviously), but I gave up on that years ago. We were married young, and reflecting back, I think we married before understanding what each of us was looking for in our lives. There were signs that should have made us rethink the commitment, but our immaturity allowed us to ignore each and every one of them. This was then compounded by having children early on.

Reading one of the articles on this site, it asked the question -- How would you feel if your wife died. Honestly, and as terrible as it may sound, it would be a sad day, but no sadder than if any other person I've known for as long passed away.

Until about a month ago, I was prepared to live out my life -- or at least the next 10 years or so -- in a loveless relationship for my children's sake. It really isn't too hard to do when you don't know what you are missing. And this is a concern I have. Are my children better off with both parents despite it not being a loving relationship? I think some of my relationship issues are because my parents remained married (and still are) despite the obvious lack of love in the home.

What happened a month ago you might ask. I fell in love with another woman. A person that I can best describe as my "yin". A person which makes me feel more complete than I ever have. The person that I dreamt for years (and feared for years) might exist. And through a bizarre twist of fate, we bumped into each other via her weblog. We have yet to meet face to face -- 3000 miles separate us -- but have spent countless hours exchanging email, IM, and on the telephone.

For the cynics, yes, she is aware that I am married. And no, she is not pushing for me to leave my family. She has made it clear it is a choice that I have to make and that she will support me either way. We've been painfully honest and up front with each other from day 1. It has been difficult and is becoming more so as each of us would like to see if this has the makings of being the "real world" relationship both of us want.

I don't like the idea of being deceptive and "sneaking away" for some number of days to see if this is real. At the same time, if it isn't, I'm left with thinking it would be better to endure life as it is for the sake of the children. If it is real (and I do think it is) things will potentially become even more difficult for the family, but at least for me (and it makes me feel selfish) a light at the end of the tunnel.

I would like to think my children could benefit from seeing at least one of their parents in a loving relationship. Giving them hope of building one for themselves later in life. And yes, they do notice that my wife and I do not have a loving relationship. They have picked up on that throughout the years. And that bothers me. It bothers my wife. But I just can't fake it.

So with all that said, I'm left with the question -- Is it unreasonable for a person pursue love for the sake of himself or should he stand pat [unhappily] for the sake of the kids?

I would quickly like to thank all those that have posted their situations. I felt very much alone until I came accross this site. It does make me feel better that I am not alone in these sort of thoughts.

Hello puckchaser19,

I think you need to get out of that marriage. Staying in a loveless mariage is very unhealthy not only for you but the kids too. I think you just need to talk to your wife and just hope she can understand. You can't stay there if your in love with someone else. You'll be miserable, Good luck 8) .

Hello...I divorced my husband after 16 years of marriage after I fell in love with another man. My divorce was final last September (it took a whole year). I stoped loving my husband in 1996 but hung in my marriage an extra 5 years because I really wanted to raise our son (now 16) in a two-parent family. Sadly, the new relationship didn't last. BUT, it did give me the catalyst to leave the marriage. You have to be prepared to be alone and have the new relationship not work out. I think you are emotionally vulnerable right now and while everyone's divorce is different I guess, I found the experience hellish and hope to never go through it again. Believe me, it will knock the wind out of your sails. Also, I am most grateful my son never knew about the other guy. I think he would have lost a great deal of respect for me. I say this because a woman at work left her husband (who had been f**king around on her for many years but the kids never knew that) for another man and she went through several rocky years after that with her kids doubting her and blaming her for the breakup. Are you prepared to have your kids that angry at you? I doubt you are. So, I think it would be better to keep quiet about the other woman until a reasonable amount of time has passed since the separation/divorce. If this woman is truly your "yin" it will last. If she isn't it won't last. Look at Prince Charles and Camilla...their relationship has survived amazing odds, hasn't it?!

I left my marriage because I stopped loving him and stopped enjoying sex with him. I wanted to find a man I could feel passion for. There is nothing wrong with wanting love and passion. Your kids will recover. They probably already sense things aren't right. My husband and I only fought a little but there was constant tension. When I told my husband I wanted a divorce he went right out and told our son. What blew me away was that Jacob said "I figured this was coming." I've asked him several times since how he knew and he just did. He wants to see me happy. So don't worry about your kids too much. As long as they know you aren't abandoning them and that you still love them they will be just fine. You only go through life once so....yeah...take a chance.

I cant know everything, but if i were you i'd stay. I'm 16 now but my parents divorced when i was 5. The custody battle was hell for myself and my siblings (3 bros). The feelings between my two parents afterwards were very hostile to each other.

Mom got custody and Dad got us for every other weekend and thursdays. Mom remarried about 2 years later, and the only reason i can find was for financial security...i'm probably biased, but my stepfater is a complete moron/hick....very frustrating....

We moved two hours away from my dad so then there was another round of custody battles and child support....dad got us every other weekend and all holidays except sharing on christmas and thanksgiving.

My brother couldn't stand my stepfather (he was hit by him for no more than shrugging his shoulders) so he moved out and is living with my father. He is now 22 and i hardly see him.

Just something to think about....

Alibi....you have some valid points. I have frequently worried about the effect the divorce has had on Jacob. He seems to have gone through an emotional adjustment but he swears up and down that it's more his dad and I projecting our own feelings on him rather than him being depressed. He's a typical teenager who is in the process of separating from us anyway (just like you are from your parents).

In our case he had just turned 15 so there was no need for a custody battle. We have 50/50 custody so he goes back and forth week by week but he is always welcome to be at either place...so he has some control of the situation too. Also I think it helped that for the first two years following the separation and eventual divorce I lived within walking distance of the house...he loved being able to go back and forth depending on which parent was being the most agreeable (smile). Also, probably very unique for us was the fact that my ex and I made about the same amount of money each so no one had to pay child support...which always causes friction for the parent who has to pay. My ex and I are committed to co-parenting so I think our situation might be a bit different than yours. Also neither one of us has dated much. I'm not willing to let a new man interfere with being a good mom and his dad hasn't dated at all. I make enough money (not rich!) that I don't feel the need to have a man around for financial security. I just bought a house within 10 minutes of my ex's house.

At the risk of offending you I guess I feel compelled to say that as you get older I suspect your perspective on the situation will change and you will be able to see it better from your parent's point of view. It does sound like they were a bit selfish and didn't fully consider your or your siblings feelings. At age 5 you got a rotten deal. I can't imagine going through something as ugly as a custody battle, especially as young as you were. It doesn't seem fair, but I still think if a parent is stuck in a miserable marriage and is truly unhappy, it isn't better to stay married for the kids.

I appreciated reading your message!! You have shared your feelings from a kids perspective and we adults need your input just as much if not more than you need ours. Thanks.

Hello Puckchaser. Your parents are the biggest model you will emulate. I do believe my parents loved each other in those olden days: nothing demonstrative about it, a low level but deep respect, religious values, etc. My dad wishes they had sex before marriage (he was 38!), my mom 28! (very religious). This is more like an arranged marriage don't you think?

I say this because I married for this also. A most wonderful man in every way and we have a great marriage, but I realized although I love him subconsciously, I am not in love with him on the conscious! Hence, I have repeated my parents and will probably stay for the kids (no surprise there!).

I am in a struggle also since discovering this about myself after 10 years of staying together, 5 marriage and 2 kids, that physical thing is not there and never has been. You can still love a person, but you need that passion, that glue to keep it there.j

All those out there who say they had it and lost it, well get it back, some of us never had because we minimized it to see the big picture ('yeah, sex is just okay'). NO, it is very important for those of us who don't have it.

Puckchaser, I am in the exact same position as you. The only difference is I am still in the early stages of what you described. I have only been married 4 and a half years and I have a 1 year old. All the points you mentioned I feel exactly. About missing out and all that..falling for someone else then realizing what you are missing.

The only difference here is there is love..she loves me so much..and I actually talked to her about seperation and such a couple weeks ago and she laid on such a guilt trip that I wasn't able to continue with what I was saying. I feel so bad now..like I am in a trap. I have so much guilt for the way I feel and things I think or do...that it rips me up and I don't know what to do. Sadly though..if you look closely at my marriage..it's not really bad...just something about it, isn't for me. Hard to explain..but my point is I fear ending up just like you are..that's my big concern...so I think it's probably best for you to go ahead and get out... But that's just me. Obviously I'm noone to give advice since I can't even solve my own problems.

Hello puckchaser. I would like to give an opinion from the other side of the whole marrige thing. I fell in love with a much older, married man. He was in a loveless relationship, a marrige of convenience. I geve him the motivation and the love he needed to get out of the relationship of 25 years. We are in love and he is so happy that he has finally been freed. The only reason they stayed together for as many years was becasue they have two sons. They didn't want to hurt them but PC kids grow up, and sooner or later parents need to start liviing for themselves once again.

If your age is correct and he has been married for 25 years.....he is in his mid 40's. Darling, think about what he has done. Yes he was in a no love situation, but the 18 year old looked much better then coming home to a family and a wife he didnt love......

If is hard to leave a marriage I am in one until my children are grown....Love is a great thing but be careful of his motives....

Greetings. I would like to give my opinion on your situation. I think that you should think a lot about this before doing anything. If you stop and think about what would be going on in your head right now, if you'd never met this other woman, what would that be? Would you honestly leave your wife for nobody, just to get out of the marriage? If the answer is yes, then I'd say you need to get out. If that thought strikes fear in you, then I doubt you're ready to make that move. Forget the other woman when you're making this decision though. I can guarantee that relationship has about a half a percent chance of working out - they rarely do. There will be way too many more important things going on in your life to mess with that when you go through a divorce. "The other woman" is only a button pusher for you right now. She is there for a reason: telling you that something is wrong with your marriage. (she's not literally telling you that, I mean in a karmic sense)..... I hope this is making sense to you.......

Regardless, study your thoughts about your own happiness and YOU make the decision. It's your life..... just be mature and caring and loving toward your kids and handle the divorce proceedings in an adult manner with your wife if you do it. If I were you, I'd ditch the other woman so you can think more clearly right now. The last thing you need is to throw guilt on her afterward if things don't work out and you regret your decision, etc.... not to mention the guilt you'll feel upon yourself. A clean break with no one waiting in the wings is best if you make the break. If you decide to stay with your wife, I definitely suggest marriage counseling (trite, but it works wonders).....Good Luck Guy......

Hi

I hope this is working out for you...this is a common theme nowadays.

Sounds to me like you're fairly in tune with what's going on and you have

done some thinking but are still torn with believing you may be selfish if

you pursue your own happiness because it may discourage the kids.

Valid, and well worth deep thought.

Would you rather live unhappily, and have your kids know that you are

OR

tell it to them straight and live the rest of your life happy?

If you're really GONE and its unrecoverable (only you know that), doing

what's best for you most likely is what's best for the kids assuming you

can keep a great relationship with them.

Obviously this is one lowly man's opinion, your call...you know what you

should do, no one else can tell you.

Best!

Karl

Hello

I have listened to that story all of my life. You did not get married for the kids. So why stay married for the kids, especially if everyone is miserable.

You have to do what is right for you. It would be sad to mull through life and never find your true love. Do what is best for you.

Good Luck

Kuhl

8)

Go to marriage councilling and invest in your marriage. Your wife is as lonely and discontent as you are, and if you are looking left at another woman you can not see your wife clearly on the right. You have the ability to love, give it to your wife...sorry, but I am the in the same position on the other side. If my husband had made the effort to connect with me I would have been extatic.

So easy to claim that you've met your soulmate on the internet - must be very thrilling and exciting because you don't have to deal with how she is when she has a hacking cough and keeps you up all night, gets cranky about her job, child care or in laws issues, etc. and of course never has a bad hair day.

And no, this woman is telling you it's your choice but she sounds lame and pathetic if all she can manage to do is to pursue a married man in cyberspace - you can think it's so "deep" and "romantic" and meaningful but from my perspective it seems desperate and delusional. Or, she has a boyfriend or a husband or lovers and sees you as a cheap thrill with no strings attached.

I agree that for the sake of the kids, cut off contact with this woman and go to couples counseling with all your heart and soul for the next year.

Guys, just note this thread is 3 years old.

ur children are going to notice that things between you guys aren't right. especially with their age. if you don't love eachother, yet you're staying together, what kind of message is that sending to your children.

i think that being apart from your wife, will have a smaller affect on your kids then staying with her.

another thing. before u decide to go all out with this internet girl, u should really think that whole thing out. i can see this relationship with her affecting your kids. u havn't met face to face, and if you decide to, then i wouldn't expect much outta it. it just doesn't seem realistic that u would meet the perfect person over the net.

Will we ever know what happens to these poor lost souls that have their hearts clouded by infatuation and excitment.... I wonder what happened to this guy...I guess we may never know!!!!!!

Melrich!!!....good notation!!!! This thread is 3 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!! The guy probably ran off with cyber lady, wasn't what he expected and came groveling back to his ex-wife wanting to go to marriage counseling but was rejected by his ex-wife who moved on with someone new that was willing to love her unconditionally and stick through the hard times...True love!!!!!!.....

Ok ok.. I finished the story for puckchaser just in case anyone wondered what happened to the poor guy 4yrs later..

Tha Gipp

Isn't there anyone in this world that actually sticks with a marriage because divorce is not an option? It seriously seems people have no appreciation for the work of marriage, claiming a variety of reasons that it can't work. Also, falling out of love is a myth!!!

Can anyone find puck chaser? I am curious about what happened. Can an administrator email him and invite him to respond with his decision? I'm in the same position except I fell in love with a woman that I have known for several years. We started a relationship but I ended it after about 6mths of having an affair with her. I attempted to talk to my wife about divorce but the guilt she layed on me was too much and I was actually fearful of the position I would be in financially. I also feel torn because i want to be sure my daughter will be ok. My wife already started saying she was going to put my daughter in therapy right away. I told her nothing has happened yet so why talk about therapy. Now i'm afraid the divorce wont impact my daughter but my wife will impact her worse if we do divorce. I ended the affair so I can really try to fix the marriage but I feel no different and have a heavy and torn heart because I miss the woman I had an affair with. I feel she is the one I'm supposed to be with. But now that I ended it with her she may never give me another chance. Now I'm sad in my marriage and miss my lover. I think I will leave the marriage to be happy for that sake and hope that my lover is still single and willing to give me a chance.

I still want to know what happened to puck chaser. I know my decision will be my own and my results will also be my own, I just feel very curious as to what happened to puck chaser especially now that it's 9 years later. So administrators, can u invite him to respond?

Try to delete my double post but can't find how.

Isn't there anyone in this world that actually sticks with a marriage because divorce is not an option? It seriously seems people have no appreciation for the work of marriage, claiming a variety of reasons that it can't work. Also, falling out of love is a myth!!!

Not when neither partner has the strength to be respectful for the sake of the children. When that's the kind of damage happening, its better to leave.

Read the book not just friends. It'll talk about what you're feeling.

There are worse things you're kids could go though than witnessing a loveless marriage. Too many people are divorcing, period. You say there's no abuse. So, if you divorce while having four kids simply because you're not in love with your wife, it will be a completely self-centered act. Does it concern you how that will affect your kids? I can uderstand divorce when there is continued abuse, but you're not in love anymore?? Stick it out FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN. It stopped being about you and your wife solely when you had kids. You made a commitment, show your children what that means and honor it until the last one leaves home.

Your children wouldn't want you to stay with that being your mindset.

I don't know if the OP is even checking back, but counseling is the first step - also working to put the spark back. 4 kids - she is probably exhausted. I think that cheating is a very selfish thing to do if you are married to a good woman, there is no abuse and you merely decided "eh, the grass is greener." You have the potential for a deeper bond with her if you only open up and start talking.