PLease Help; Am I obsessed?

I am so scared that I might have an obsession. I was dating a guy for a couple of months. I started to really have strong feelings for him, because I felt comfortable around him and I thought we had a lot in common. Everything seemed cool, until we got until a disagreement (see the forum "I ruin a potential relationship"). He got mad at me and broke it off with me for a reason til this day has left me confused. Here it is almost two months later,and I still trying to figure out how what is going. He won't give me a clear answer on why he decided to quit the relationship all together. I keep hearing rumors about what he and others have said about the situation, but I want to hear whats going on from his mouth. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him and wonder what is going on. I didn't call him much during this time, but I tried callling him two separate weekends (a few weeks apart) several times, but he still won't talk to me. When I see him in school, I say very little to him and I try to not be in around him (even though it is hard to do in a small school to begin with), because I feel that he will think that I'm stalking him. The only thing I did that was off, was drive by his place, only because I'm confused about what happened and I want answers. I ended up just deleting his number from cell phone and took him off my contact list so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him, but I still think of him. I feel ike its gotten worse, because I sometimes start crying. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I've been in situations where a guy breaks up with me and I move on just fine. However, it scares me that this guy occupies so much of my thoughts when I've only know him since January. I even dream about him sometimes, too. I try to find stories that relate to my situation, but I can't. I think somethng is wrong with me. I really don't know how to let go and accept the fact that I may not get the answers I need. I'm really afraid. Please help me!

You are not alone!! so dont worry my boyfriend of Seven months broke up with me for dumb reasons too. We had talked about getting married and even looked at rings at one point I love this boy to death. We were totally fine never had fight in the whole time we dated we got in one Little argument and now its over. This was January so its been 4 months now and I miss him more then I could ever even tell anyone. We are still best friends but its not the same. I miss his kisses and his warm embrace. I miss him calling me just to say I Love you. I miss every little thing he does and says. I want make love to him again. I just want to know that I am his again. But like you I need to move on. So no you are not dumb I know alot of girls that are this way. Sometimes its just hard to let go of someone you Love. Just keep yourself busy and hang with your girlfriends and let them help you not try to think about him.

Plus you are Young and have so many boys waiting for you love.

I left my husband of 7.5 years for a homewrecker. I mean, my husband and I already wre having problems and lets just say that I was desperate and vulnerable. This guy came along, said all the things I wanted to hear, pushed all the right buttons. God, he fed me so much bullsh*t and even though I know it was all bullsh*t I still can't get over him. It's been almost five months. I don't understand, why did he have to say all of that stuff? Why? Why do men do that? I don't say anything unless I mean it. Okay, yeah, you can say "well you made vows.." and I did, but sh*t happens, my ex-husband and I were both miserable and 7.5 years was a darn good effort on both our parts. Sometimes you just grow apart.

Anyhow, the homewrecker was calling me everyday, several times a day, telling me how much he loved me, helped me find my apartment, fed me lies, lies, lies, and then he just stopped calling and wouldn't even speak to me. Two months later, he started calling me late at night for the booty call, and stupid me, I would fall for it. I finally got call block so he can't call me, but I miss him so much. I just wish it would go away, I really do.

Hi,

Your are obsessed....but don't feel guilty about it. You only give him more power when you do. The best thing is that you acknowledge that you are obsessed with him. I myself have been in this position, except I call it a love addiction.

My story

I went out with this guy who both are parents are best friends. His parents fixed me up with this loser. Went out with him for 3 months of pure hell. He was nice...then he was mean, always on link removed...then be very nice to again. I finally got wise and broke it off with him in a very nice way. I pretty much told him that I as spending way to much time with him and I needed to meet other people. I also lent this jerk money and took his laptop with me as collateral when I ended the relationship. He called me several times wanting me to visist his parents (who live on the same island my parents live),,, and I would always refuse to see him. In the meantime..I was heartbroken. Would drive by his house to see whose car would be there on a weekly basis. He was in my thoughts constantly to the point where it made me sick and I lost alot of weight. Then my job ended and I moved back to my parents house. The loser moved back at the same time to live with his parents. He got a job on the island and got his own place. No sooner did he move in I got the phone call.

We began dating again and I was in LOVE with him. In fact I told him but he never told me. Once again I started feeling that I could not trust him. He would say rude things to me and finally I caught him at the pool with another girl. He saw me with 2 other guys that I just met who were my friends so he thinks I did something wrong too. We have not spoken since that day and he has spread some rumor about me. It is a bad one because his parents won't talk to me and neither will anybody else that lives on the island. I am hurt, confused ...totally messed up in the head. But you know what... I WILL NEVER GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION of seeing me down. So my advice to you....KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD HI....AND MOVE ON WITH YOU LIFE AND LET HIM WONDER WHAT HE IS MISSING.....You are not ALONE>

you are not alone. i have dated this guy for 7 months. at first, i was not interested but he was really sweet and sincere. the problem with him is that he has unresolved issues from his past. he felt abandoned because his father died and his brother left the home. so from then on, he could not open his heart to anyone and always think that if he does, the person he loves will leave him again.

anyway, after 7 months of dating, he suddenly was confused and lost in the relationship because as realtionship grows, the more you need to open your heart and he realise he couldnt do that. so what he did is he just tell me he is confused and lost and we just split up. i love him so much. i am not the kind to fall in love so easily. in fact, he is my 2nd love after dating who knows how many men.

now, i am also confused and lost. it bugs me so much of not knowing what went wrong. guess i have to date as many mena spossible now just to help me through this difficult time. it helps. that's what i did when i broke up woth my first love. so maybe u should try it out too. just date and distract yourself.

OH my god, you just said everything I've felt since my girlfriend/fiance dumped me. It's a month later and she's gotten on with her life and doesn't give a crap about what I'm doing. I'm trying to stay friends but it's hard. I miss all the intimate things we shared. Just kissing and her saying "I love you". I get a sad feeling just thinking about it. In the end she left me because she didn't want to be a step-mom to my two boys. It's a hard way to lose someone. I feel for you all.

Hi all to those that have written so far,

There are two distinct features to the similarities of what you have said.

1-Obsession=Unable to let go, they fill your mind, thoughts, dreams and imiaginery conversations take place.

2-Closure=feeling that you didnt get answers to 'why' the relationship has ended.

These two unfortunate circumstances/traits, makes it much harder to move on. It prolongs time and in sevear forms can lead to physical detrimentis.

Two elements can change/alter this state.

Time and Attitude.

Time works by itself ONLY if you cease contact with your ex's. By remaining in contact, time will not have its effect. Time distorts and loses memory-mappings you have of the other person. So, be sure to stop habits such as re-reading emails, calling them on the telephone, driving by their house. Its easier to stop driving by their house than to check emails, so make a list based on which is easier and work your way through that list.

Attitude is based on your thoughts. Thoughts CAN change your emotional state. This technique involves telling yourself repeatedly a few trigger sentences, such as,

"I am better off without this person, I wont succumb to wasting my energy on this person"

"There are others whom I am able to develop just as deep feelings for later on, I must just remain patient"

Again, make a list and tell yourself these sentences each time you feel the pangs of pain in your stomach or other upsetting moment.

This attitude changing requires a bit of effort on your part and about 65% of people are too lazy to make a list and carry it out in practise.

You can and will heal in a more 'natural' way, but it takes much much longer and if you're not careful it could be dragged out for unnecessary months or years.

Start easy and develop yourself, human beings are wonderful mechanisms that endure incredible hardships, remember to be kind to yourself and if sometimes you make a mistake.......so what.......you just simply go back to being kind to yourself

Good luck to you people,

Taurean

Everything you have posted, penda, sounds more like rumination than obsession. You have done things that are well-within the range of normal behaviour for your situation. You are just concerned that you can't get him off your mind, and that's not unusual for people who are broken up with when they aren't expecting it. There was no time for you to begin to emotionally detach, and to some extent, you are having difficulty with the process.

Rumination, or persistence, seems to afflict women more often than men, and it seems to be related to low self-esteem, so possibly it's become a problematic habit for you because of the breakup; it is not the breakup, per se., that has caused you to begin to ruminate -- possibly any shock to your self-esteem might have done it.

Fortunately, one of the most effective cures for rumination is to talk about what you're ruminating about with others as you have here. The other things you can do you are already doing -- take steps to reduce your contact with him or things that remind you of him. You should also actively try to reinforce your self-esteem, and do things that would counter-act depressive moods, which give opportunity to deepen the rumination rut.

Obsession is a term that gets thrown around alot, and I hate to see it, because obsession is pathological, destructive to self and others, and is uncontrollable. Rumination is simply a bad habit of the memory to return repeatedly to emotionally upsetting events and re-run them, over and over. Because you have taken steps to reduce your contact with him, and do not feel an uncontrollable compulsion to speak with him or be with him, I do not think you are obsessed. Your desire to talk to him is possibly the result of your ruminative mood seeking to find an alternative solution that does not leave you feeling confused and devalued. But in this situation, the solution is something only you can provide, by boosting your self-esteem, and allowing the memory and your concerns over that breakup to fade away.

I love how open you guys are - it feels comfortable. I feel so ashamed of this childish obsession I have acquired for someone who was in my life for 2 months. Never did the I love you's or we are going to be together forever - nothing like that. We just did. One night I got an attitude (I really got scared because I knew I was leaving the next day and didn't know what that would change). He was very upset with me and that I night I had a huge event to attend which he was at - I should have gone home. He really treated me like crap and acted like a jealous little boy who was out to get me. He did.

Seriously here is the bad part. I would text him or email him something little about anything. I did get him to talk to me and we understood a lot about what was happening. It hurt because I really wanted him to stick around. I wasn't looking for marriage or love - just someone to be comfortable with in this crazy life I live. He was perfect - I thought I was too, but he just wrote me off didn't even seem to phase him that we went from basically living together for a few weeks to not speaking at all - and that's hard because we are very near each other everyday.

I hurt myself and sent him a small email just saying hey do you still have that stuff that you used for your neck - if so I can I have it? Not a worry if not. That's it. My phone rang 25 seconds later (I counted - joking). He offered to bring it over to me that night like we never missed a beat. We chatted giggled I was so nervous but is just normal. We had sex... the next day he brought food over and dropped off something of mine... we just chilled then he bolted. By see you later gone.

We would text occasionally - he isn't a big texter I am for the most part. I never thought it really bothered him. I asked because we know I am more social like that. Nope didn't bother him he said. I just got use to him texting when he wanted. Then I started feeling like he was avoiding me. He called me said he had been really busy and couldn't get back to me and just wanted me to know that. A few days later he called to come over but I fell asleep early early. I had asked to breakfast (we liked going to this cute restaurant between our houses). He always said he was busy. The night after I missed his calls he texted that he was going to meet a friend downtown but what time was I going to be up till. We texted a lot while he was out it was cute just like it always ways. I waited till 2am and was like I am out this is crazy I told him I didn't want to stand in line anymore and he was so apologetic he got stock bla bla bla... He didn't call the next day. I emailed him and just said at least girls who put them out there for booty calls get some satisfaction - I didn't get that or a call the next day.

I got a missed called the next day. Voicemail said "I am sorry I can't do this. I feel terrible about what I did." Please why the hell would I even care after that?!? I called him and we talked and giggled a little... a text message here or there - then the busy time of year came which was recent... He always shuts down around now... And... he did.

Why I am stuck on this person? He seriously has played "He's not into" clues then he acts so happy to see me or I am making myself think that. I know he really isn't "special" and just because I don't hold grudges unless you really upset me - I have all but forgotten the mean stuff. But I know it is there - and I am old enough to see the writing on the I just REFUSE to see it and it is bothering me...

Help?

This is a pretty old post, but I can see where you would be interested in it.

Okay. I think this guy has gotten you interested in him, and now he is giving you just enough attention to keep you interested in him. The problem is, you're actually getting less and less from the relationship, in terms of security, happiness and self-esteem.

Now, at this point, you may stop to ask: Why is he doing this? You may begin to invest in books about unavailable men, men who are emotionally immature, that kind of thing. Let me save you some time: It does not matter why he is doing it. It does not matter, because you cannot stop it, or change it, or fix him. He is okay with what is happening to your relationship. If he wasn't, he would be doing things differently.

This guy is just a huge world of hurt waiting to happen to you: Walk away, now, before you are any more emotionally invested than you are already. I would strongly suggest using call block. Whatever his issues are, you don't have time for them. There are guys out there who would enjoy laughing and texting and having a relationship, and you need to be thinking about them, not this loser.

My story is very similar to yours. I am a married woman who dated a guy fifteen months. When I met him, my husband and I were having problems as well and on the verge of a breakup (I bought a separate residence). I eventually moved out, but husband ended up following immediately after. I met him at a time when I was very desperate and vulnerable as well, but did not realize it at the time. I have fallen deeply in love with him and don't want to let go. A mutual acquaintance of ours (husband, myself, boyfriend) found out about the affair and informed my husband about two weeks ago. She also called my boyfriend and told him I was cheating on him as well (totally untrue). Since then my boyfriend has been very distant. He does not call when he says he will or even call at all. If call him he will return/answer my call, but there is no initiation of contact on his part. I am so devastated. I denied the affair to my husband so we are still together. I know I have gotten what I deserved, my boyfriend would not have been so eager to believe the lies I told if he considered me trustworthy to begin with. I will never do anything like this again in my life, I have honestly learned my lesson. This is so painful! I cry daily! I am so depressed! The sad part is I really love my boyfriend. I stay with my abusive husband because its just easier. I think my boyfriend assumed my husband would leave when he found out. He made the comment "I still haven't run him off yet"? Not sure how to take that, especially since he has not been contacting me as I mentioned before. If my boyfriend thought he left me, then why wasn't he calling? I thought he wasn't calling just to let things die down so to speak. He is a homewrecker "wanna be", I doubt he will want me if my husband and I break up. Still....I love him, I dream about him and I am beginning to think I am obsessed as well.